Simplified Help in Placing
Your Fake Newspaper Order
98.1% of our customers place their order without a single hitch.
They browse the articles and select one.
They fill out the story submission form.
They press the SUBMIT button which takes them to our Shopping Cart.
They choose any options they want.
We process, print and ship the order.
They receive it a few days later.
Everyone is happy.
And that’s that.
But 1.9% have trouble.
Unfortunately, the problems experienced by those few customers are so weird and varied that we are unable to set up the system to eliminate them. So here’s an overview of the concept and process. What the heck is this fake newspaper thing anyhow? The concept is this: We offer basically three styles of fake newspapers. You can choose between the small, full and whole newspaper styles. To learn more about each one, go here. Your story is placed in a certain place on the page, in a certain format. Please inquire BEFORE ORDERING if you require an exception. Additional charges may apply. Since all articles are formatted in exactly the same way, and since we must often crop your main or inset image to make it work or fit, no automatic preview of your finished article is available. Once you’ve decided on a style / size, you have two choices: (1) Do you want to write your newspaper story completely from scratch? Or (2) Do you want to use one of our pre-written stories?
If you want to write your story from scratch:
Depending on which size you choose, you may also fill in such things as the newspaper name, the newspaper headline, the article title, the article date, and a bunch of other stuff. Most people would send a photo of the event they are describing, and also a photo of the individual they’re writing about. This would be inset onto the main photo (we do that for you). Many people choose not to use any photo at all. It’s entirely up to you. If we receive a photo, we’ll use it. If not, we won’t!
If you decide to use one of our pre-written stories:
You need to figure out which one you’re going to use. You should start at our home page (here) and begin browsing through the categories. When you’ve found the story you want to use, simply fill in the form, click the SUBMIT button and follow the prompts. You may use the complete text of the article you’ve ordered, or you may use bits and pieces of several of our pre-written stories to make one story. You may change our pre-written story in any way you desire. It’s entirely up to you. We don’t care what you write, or how you write it. We do not read your material in any case. You may send us a picture of your victim to be used as an inset on the main image, or you may elect not to send us any pictures. By default we use the same image that appears in the sample; you may add an inset of your victim or not. You should fill in any of the spaces you want us to use with the text of your choosing. If you don’t want certain things to be used (like the date, or the location, etc.), type NONE in the box. That’s all there is to it.You do not “have” to use a story at all. Some people only want a headline (usually movie companies and playwrights). Some people only want a picture with no story, not even a headline. It’s entirely up to you. Whatever you provide, we’ll print. Whatever you don’t provide, obviously won’t be printed. When we receive your order, we’ll arrange everything onto one of our templates. Once it’s all arranged, we print, and then notify you when it’s been shipped. You’ll receive your order a few days after that. You may specify and pay for rush delivery. Rush orders also increase the chance of an error being made on your order. Roughly 60% of our business is shipped by some type of overnight delivery. We figure God hates us.There is nothing about the ordering process that’s hard, or that needs to be confusing. You simply supply us with whatever text and image(s) you want us to use, and we arrange it all onto a newspaper and print it and ship it.If you have additional questions, please skim through our FAQs. Virtually any question you can think of has already been answered there. If you still have a question, email us here.
Common Mistakes That Customers Make:
(1) NOT READING DIRECTIONS!
(2) We receive many (many) emails per week from customers who have received their notice that their order has been shipped, yet they want to know if it’s too late to make a correction.
(3) Completing the story-form with a scrambled mass of gibberish (i.e. the by-line has been entered into the date space, the location box contains the person’s email address, the article title contains a Copyright notice, etc.) and we simply can’t process it.
(4) Emailing questions that are already answered in our FAQs.
(5) Not paying attention to punctuation and spelling. We often receive stories which contain virtually no punctuation, and in which the spelling makes the piece almost unreadable. Perhaps some people think we will go through and correct their text. We do not. Years ago we did— until we began receiving too many nasty complaints from customers who said they had misspelled something on purpose, and our correction had ruined their product.
One of our employees is married to a woman who works at a local pizza parlor. During her regular course of duties she is required to take phoned-in orders for delivery. On a routine basis, (several times per day on average), customers phone her to place an order but don’t know the address they want the pizza delivered to. While the employee waits, the customer must either go ask someone else in the household, or must physically go outside to look at the numbers on the house. In some cases (quite a few, actually), the customer never does figure out where they live, and must abandon the order. This has taught us that no matter how simply and clearly we try to explain the process of ordering from us, there will always be a few customers who will not be able to figure it out. As a guideline, if you don’t know your own address, chances are that ordering a fake newspaper will prove difficult, and may not be worth your time. If, on the other hand, you DO know your own address, you’ll almost certainly be able to grasp the concept and complete the order without a hitch. If you do get stuck, email us! There’s no such thing as a stupid question. –Except, perhaps, “Where do I live?”