Purple Owie Award (fake Purple Heart)

Now You Too Can Have John Kerry’s

Purple Owie Award

Got a paper cut?
Painful hangnail?
A Pimple?

You qualify for a Purple Owie Award

Item Number — FC-47

Some people don’t know if they like John Kerry or not. He doesn’t seem to have a lot to say. Why? Because he’s too busy boasting about his Purple Heart. For a guy who couldn’t wait to cut the thing up in public after Vietnam, he sure likes to work it into conversation when he thinks it’ll pull in a few votes. Make up your mind, John! Either you’re proud of the thing or you’re not!

We have questions about the severity of John’s “wounds” for which he received his Purple Heart(s). We sort of wish the United States Armed Forces wouldn’t hand the real ones out like candy. A Purple Heart should be a serious award. It means the recipient has put it all on the line for his country (you and us), and almost lost the game. We feel that when Purple Hearts are given out like aspirin, it detracts from the value of the award when given for real injuries, like lost limbs.

You don’t have to go to war and get shot to get this Purple Heart. You can have it for a few bucks. -Or, heck, maybe John Kerry’ll give you his.

Certificates are personalized with:
Victim’s name 
Injury(s) suffered
When and where

“A Unique and welcome gift for anyone with an owie!”

Gold seal is pressure-embossed (not printed). 8.5 x 11 inches.
Printed on heavy glossy stock, this particular certificate is highly detailed.
(that’s John Kerry from our “Morning After” collection on the medal)

The perfect alternative to a cheesy “Get Well” card!
Tape this on the wall in the patient’s room and watch the staff provide slightly better care.
After all, what nurse can forget the patient who’s won the Purple Owie Award?

Know someone who just broke an arm, leg, skull, their ego?
For friends recovering from an illness, injury, operation…
Forget cheesy “get-well” cards. Make ’em smile with a
Purple Owie Award!

We’re not sure how fond we are of George W. Bush these days,
but My God! Give us something better than Frank Burns and Howdy Doody!
Give us more than a cry-baby 2nd Louie and a smarmy Tele-vangelist!
Give us something more than Ted Baxter and the Cheshire Cat!
And the government wonders why no one votes. FOR WHOM?!?

We accept MasterCard and VISA, etc..
FC-47, “Purple Owie Award” generally ships within 1-2 days. 
What our customers say about us.

$16.95 for 2

Printed with archivable inks

Item Number — FC-47

More About John Kerry’s Purple Heart(s)
John Kerry aka Frank Burns

Louis Letson, today a retired general practitioner in Alabama, says he remembers his brief encounter with John Kerry 35 years ago:

“I have a very clear memory of an incident which occurred while I was the Medical Officer at Naval Support Facility, Cam Ranh Bay. John Kerry was a (jg), the OinC or skipper of a Swift boat, newly arrived in Vietnam. On the night of December 2, he was on patrol north of Cam Ranh, up near Nha Trang area. The next day he came to sick bay, the medical facility, for treatment of a wound that had occurred that night.”

“The story he told was different from what his crewmen had to say about that night. According to Kerry, they had been engaged in a fire fight, receiving small arms fire from on shore. He said that his injury resulted from this enemy action.”

“Some of his crew confided that they did not receive any fire from shore, but that Kerry had fired a mortar round at close range to some rocks on shore. The crewman thought that the injury was caused by a fragment ricocheting from that mortar round when it struck the rocks.”

“That seemed to fit the injury which I treated.”

“What I saw was a small piece of metal sticking very superficially in the skin of Kerry’s arm. The metal fragment measured about 1 cm. in length and was about 2 or 3 mm in diameter. It certainly did not look like a round from a rifle.”

“I simply removed the piece of metal by lifting it out of the skin with forceps. I doubt that it penetrated more than 3 or 4 mm. It did not require probing to find it, did not require any anesthesia to remove it, and did not require any sutures to close the wound.”

“The wound was covered with a Band-Aid.”

“Not [sic] other injuries were reported and I do not recall that there was any reported damage to the boat.”

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On 8-20-04 John Kerry filed a complaint with the FEC (Federal Election Commission) claiming that the advertisement (above), sponsored by the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, was contrary to campaign rules and Kerry wanted the ad “shut down” for that reason. It’s doubtful this tactic will work — that pesky First Amendment and all.

Let’s stop and think about this for a moment. If, in fact, the allegations by the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth were false, Kerry could bring libel and slander suits of absolutely Galactic proportions against all connected with the ad(s). Kerry could easily and inexpensively seek and be granted an emergency restraining order preventing the ads from being shown. The restraining order could be procured in as little as 24 hours at a cost of as little as $200. Such a thing has been done against us, even when we were telling the truth! (it was subsequently overturned). Logical minds must ask: Why hasn’t Kerry done this? Could it be because the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ads are truthful and can’t be stopped by straightforward legal methods?

We find that the skills needed to judge another man’s character have atrophied in the American population. The reasons are many; among them is the country’s relative affluence. An affluent population is one which may have less direct interaction with the real world. Affluence allows a populace to insulate itself from many of the hardships of reality. Unfortunately, those very hardships are what tend to build character. Remove the obstacles from a person’s life, and you rob them of the ability to grow strong. Two cases in point: Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton, arguably two of the dumbest, most valueless human beings on the planet.

We feel John Kerry’s character is as transparent and insubstantial as Saran Wrap. We believe it was flawed from birth. We believe there is no hope for redemption. We are terrified that a man of such weak character and obvious disingenuousness could be even  considered for any managerial position, let alone the post he has applied for. We feel pretty-much the same way about Hillary Clinton and Martha Stewart, if anyone cares.

We submit that if you placed John Kerry in a situation in which he must beg employment from, say, test pilots or astronauts or deep sea divers or cops or loggers or commercial fishermen or firefighters or coal miners or public utility linemen or real people engaged in any of a thousand other occupations which require at least a certain degree of character in order to succeed or, indeed, to stay alive, John Kerry would be spending his days in the unemployment line. He may make a passable short-order cook. He hasn’t the True Grit to be President of anything.

Once, years ago, while riding a barge to Alaska, we set out to identify and label what it was that we, test pilots and astronauts and deep sea divers and cops and loggers and commercial fishermen and firefighters and coal miners and public utility linemen, found distasteful about smarmy politicians and greedy bankers and sue-happy lawyers and the ilk — it was this: They tend to have no heart. We don’t believe John Kerry has sufficient heart to lead anything but the girls’ high school basketball team.

We realize these are inflammatory words, even “fightin'” words to some. Those who disagree are more than welcome to voice their own opinions on their own website. But please don’t misunderstand us — we’re not much more fond of George Bush, documented drunk driver and, by all accounts, alcoholic asshole, at least before he “found God”.

We know there are decent, honorable, capable, wise, straight-thinking human beings on this planet capable of doing a fine job as President. There are countless Viet Nam vets who didn’t lie to get medals, who stood up and by God fought like men; there are countless qualified men and women who would have never, ever engaged in drunk driving, who are balanced and moral and strong… We’re saddened that it appears to be impossible for those types to get within five light-years of the position of President of the United States. We’re saddened that the only options presented to us as voters are weasels and drunks and liars and con-artists and thieves and womanizers and other assorted genetic blanks who, without the happenstance of wealth and position, would have failed even as Burger King franchisers. We’re sorry we have no one to vote for. We see the choices as Satan or The Devil. We refuse to help either one become leader of this country.

But if you still like John Kerry, consider this: If you elect him, and if, (Allah forbid), something “untoward” happens to the guy (Teresa beats him to death, let’s say), you’ve then actuallymade John Edwards President of the United States. And if that doesn’t uncurl your pubic hair, you’re brain dead.


On November 2, 2004, George W. Bush was, as most of us know, overwhelmingly re-elected President of the United States.

Democrats are “stunned and amazed”.
One European magazine states: 
“How can so many Americans be so dumb!?”

Let us try to inject some sense into this situation:

(1) No one WANTED George W. Bush! –At least not in great numbers.

(2) We weren’t given a better alternative!

Many Americans feel they “must” vote—even if they dislike both candidates.

Most Americans DID. NOT. WANT. to vote for George. But what was their alternative? John Kerry? A whining, disingenuous cry-baby who couldn’t even manage to put forth his purported “plan” –he could only berate Bush’s existing plans? His running mate (The Face) was about as smarmy as they get—John Edwards was perhaps the poorest possible choice of running mates and we have to wonder at the intelligence of anyone, let alone an entire campaign team, that would choose such an individual. Add that silly choice to America’s unarguable loathing of Teresa Heinz Kerry; now add to that John Kerry’s outrageously counter-productive decision to have, of all people on Earth, Bill Clinton stump for him in the last days, and who’s left to vote for? If you’re applying for a job as manager of the local daycare, you don’t list PeeWee Herman as a character reference; to do so would be stupid. And it is exactly this stupidity that showed up in every aspect of John Kerry’s campaign; it was manifest in his choice of running mates, in his choice of wives, in his choice of references. The fact that Kerry would allow such stupid tactics to mold his campaign means the man isn’t smart enough to lead a country.

We submit that the Democratic party could have easily off’d George Bush had they provided America with an even remotely workable alternative.

They didn’t. So now we have what we have. Of the 59,459,765 voters who voted for George Bush, we suggest that only a small percentage of them actually wanted George Bush. They just hated John Kerry more.