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I’ve Just Received an Email That Says My Order Has Shipped. Can I Still Change Something in My Order or Can I Change the Shipping Method?

We receive this question several times per day. It is becoming more and more difficult to reply politely.

I Sent You an Email and You Never Replied! What Kind of Crap is This?

This can no longer happen, as we use our own server-based public forum for all communications now.

I Placed and Paid for Two Separate Orders, and Then, a Few Days Later, I Received Two Separate Orders. WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THIS?

The following paragraph appears in numerous locations all throughout this website. Here is it again:

Paying for the Same Order Multiple Times.
Some customers pay for the same order two, three, even four times. Please, if you only intend to buy one order, only pay for it once(!). You may submit as many data forms as you like without incurring any charges. However, if you go through the entire payment process via the Shopping Cart system, you will be charged each time you purchase an item.

If you place an order, then later decide you need to change something in the personalization form you submitted, just go back to the form and re-submit it with the corrected data. Customers do this all the time. We will always use the form with the latest time-stamp when we process your order.

When your order comes up in the queue for processing we’ll take the data submission associated with the order and process the order using that data. If you submit a new form after your order has already gone to processing, you’re out of luck. This is why we urge, beg and implore you to PROOF-READ your original submission, and to have friends and/or family proof-read your submission as well. Still, we allow you to change, correct and update your submission right to the last possible second. All you have to do is bookmark the submission form and return to it if you find a mistake in your original submission. Even if you forgot to bookmark the submission form, there are links to all of our forms on every product page and on our home page. Here’s the link to the master list of submission forms.

Again, if you need to correct something in your submission, simply submit a new and corrected form. But DO NOT(!) go into the system and go clear back through the payment procedure again unless you want to receive a second product. This is pretty simple stuff. If you go to a restaurant and order a steak medium-rare, and then, a few minutes later, decide you want it well-done instead, would you order a second steak? No. You’d ask if there was still time to change the first order. If you ordered a second steak, you’d be expected to pay for the second steak when it arrives. You’ll end up with one steak well-done, and one steak medium-rare, and you’ll be expected to pay for both. Of course if you order one steak, and then a friend pops in to join you, and you order a second steak for him/her, that’s not a problem and it’s done all the time.

Our customers order a second, third or fourth item all the time too. It’s usually because when they placed the original order, they forgot that “Uncle Bob” also wanted a copy. So they go back into the system, and go all the way through the payment process again, and submit a second form for the second product. They receive all the copies they requested and paid for, and all is well.

Occasionally, however (maybe two or three times a year), a customer will order a personalized product, go through the payment process, fill out the form and submit it, and all is well—or at least it could have been. They then decide they want to change something in their submission form, so, instead of heeding all the messages on this site that instruct them to simply submit a new data form, they go into the payment system and pay for a whole new product. Or three. Or five. And then they submit an updated data form for each item. They don’t email to ask us to strike one or more of the charges, or to explain that one or more of the data forms should be ignored. They just place two or three or five orders and sit back awaiting their arrival. Since we’re not mind-readers, we simply make their products and ship them.

We process orders and ship them out the minute they’re completed. Sometimes orders are processed sequentially by the same person; sometimes several employees will each take an order and process it at the same time, never being aware of what any other employee is working on. If you have five paid orders in the queue with five data forms to go with them, you’re going to receive five items. It’s just that simple.

Will you actually have to pay for all five items? 
Yes!
You pay for what you order, just like at the restaurant.

Can’t we refund on your unwanted items if you decide you don’t want them?
No!
How can we take a customized book with a picture of your Aunt Martha’s goiter on the cover, and resell it? Even non-personalized paper products can’t be resold, as they are invariably crumpled by the time we get them back. We. Offer. No. Refunds.

We occasionally run into this scenario as well:

A customer orders ten items for a party. The party goes off well, and all the guests enjoyed our products. After the party’s over, the customer starts thinking about all those fake newspapers that won’t be used for anything again, and they wonder, “Hmmm….could I scam a refund?” They email us and tell us they “accidentally” ordered four of the five items, and they want a refund (right now!). Often, to cover their guilt, they’ll feign indignation, trying to “spin” the situation so that it appears to be our fault, hoping this will somehow convince us to refund on their orders. In reality, it only sets our resolve.

On the Yahoo Shopping feedback system, our percentage of happy customers is far above the norm. We provide great products at great prices and we virtually never make a mistake (knock on wood). Most retailers have trouble with between eight and fifteen percent of their customers. We have trouble with about one-two percent. But even those few can harden a retailer to the point where they become like cops—suspicious of everyone, jaded, cynical and angry.

If we legitimately make a mistake on your order, you’ll find we’re the most helpful folks on earth. But please, don’t try to scam us. We’ve seen it all, and we won’t tolerate it for a New York Second.

I Don’t Like Any of the Size/Format Options You Offer. I Want You to Print a Newspaper That I’ve Made From Scratch. Will You?

Of course. Rather than send us a desktop publishing file, which is virtually guaranteed to be incompatible in one way or another, the easiest way to do this by far is for you to turn your desktop publisher-created item (the whole thing) into an image. A jpg saved at 100% quality is preferred. We can easily print your image, and no formatting will get lost or mysteriously tweaked in the process. We like a minimum of 300 dpi at print size, and your file will preferably match the size of our templates. We can stretch or shrink your image, but the best clarity will be had if your image is the correct size in the first place. View our format sizes here. Ask a specific or technical question here.

I Need a Giant Check but None of Your Designs is Exactly What I Want. Will You Change the Layout for Me?

No.

Click here to make your own Giant Checks from scratch

I Need a Fake Newspaper for a Play or a Movie, Can You Help?

We do a lot of work for theaters and motion picture production companies. Our newspaper products appear in many movies. The most commonly ordered product for stage work is the “whole” size headline format. Our headlines are normally quite large; if you need them even larger, just ask.

I Know You Sent Me a Tracking Number When My Order Shipped, but I Accidentally Deleted it. Will You Check Through All Your Records and Send me Another Tracking Number?

No.
We are receiving emails from roughly one in five customers asking us to re-send the tracking number of their order. Tracking numbers are sent to each customer upon shipment. It has required more than an hour per day to re-send tracking numbers to customers who have accidentally deleted the first one. If you delete this tracking number for some unknown reason, we will no longer be responsible for sending it to you again. If you have deleted your tracking number in your email program, a copy will still remain in your deleted folder, and you may access it there.

This is a Gift. Can I Send it to My Victim Anonymously?

No. The mailing label will stipulate clearly that whatever’s inside is a gift from YOU. That way if he/she wants to take out a hit on you, they’ll know who to look for!

Exactly What Things Can I or Can’t I Change in the Articles?

You can change many things. To play with the story submission form(s) go here.

If I Place an Order, Then Cancel it, Will I be Allowed to Place Future Orders?

It depends. About three or four times per year we get customers who are obviously “on something”—or perhaps there’s a medication they should be on, but aren’t. Or maybe they’re just lion-fodder. In any case, they have trouble with virtually every step of the process. They can’t (or won’t) follow the simplest of directions (like “click this link”). Then they email a snide comment trying to make it look as though it’s all somehow our fault. If you’re one of those, we don’t WANT your business. If your business is problematic one time, chances are it will be problematic every other time, and we don’t have time for avoidable problems. Problems cost us money—some customers are so problematic that we actually lose money on their order. Since we are in the business of making money, we will not allow you to order in the future if it appears to us that you are a problematic customer. Fortunately, the vast majority of our customers are intelligent, alert, polite, and their order goes through without the slightest hitch. If there’s a glitch in the ordering process, they simply email their problem, we reply quickly with clear and decisive instructions, they follow the steps, and the order breezes through. We won’t do business with the other kind of customer. Just as there’s an element of society which should never be allowed to operate a motor vehicle, there’s an element which should never try (or be allowed to) place an order on-line. They can’t figure it out, they’ll never figure it out, and no amount of instruction, assistance, patience, understanding, training, coaching, compassion or direct intervention will get them through it. For the customer who’s having legitimate problems with our system, and who’s polite, and responsive, and who will actually follow the steps we suggest, we’ll work tirelessly to solve a problem. But if you’re having trouble, and we tell you to click on a certain link to correct it, and for whatever reason you won’t click the link, there’s really nothing more we can do for you. If you won’t even follow our directions, as they say in baseball, you’re outta here.

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Will You Correct My Typos, Spelling Errors and Bad Grammar?

No. We used to do that! We don’t anymore. In about two cases out of five, when we corrected someone’s spelling, punctuation or grammar while setting up the template to print, we’d receive a semi-nasty email back from the customer a week later, explaining that “Grammmy” really was spelled with three M’s in THEIR family, or that they left that comma out on purpose, or that Billy Ray was one word, not two, that nefarious was actually spelled nefarius in eastern Florida, etc. etc. ad nauseam—and we’d end up having to send them a whole new order for free. So, no, we don’t change or correct anything. We’d like to; it drives us crazy not to be able to; but we’ve learned the hard way to keep our mitts off the content of your story. That’s why it’s doubly and triply important for you to proof-read your story before submitting, and have a friend or relative proof-read it as well. Twice. But what if something you send us doesn’t make sense. Won’t we correct it then? About a third of the stories that are submitted to us, make no sense to us! They make perfect sense to the author—but not to us. Usually it’s some “inside joke”, the meaning of which we’re not privy to. We cannot possibly be in the business of second-guessing the author’s intentions in every instance that’s unclear to us. We print what you supply. Period.

What If I Don’t Like My Product?

Almost every product we produce is created at the time the order is placed, specifically for you. We maintain no stock upon which we must pay taxes.

We guarantee our products to be free from errors and defects. If wee spel yore name incorrectly in a newspaper article, use the wrong location, etc. etc., or if we paste your head onto a donkey instead of a dog on your customized poster, or if there’s an obvious flaw in a stock poster or key fob, we’ll fix it and replace it immediately if not sooner, after you return the flawed product. And we’ll pay the shipping, and apologize profusely to boot. But this policy is to be applied within reason. If you’re a spoiled-brat CEO and you’ve simply changed your mind after ordering $300 worth of custom gift-wrap, for instance, we will not replace your product for free unless you can demonstrate a real and documentable flaw that renders the product unusable. If you try to invent issues that don’t exist, we’ll simply cut you off.

We offer no refunds in any case, under any circumstances. Our product pictures are very clear; they are either actual photographs of the product or are scans of the product; our descriptions are verbose to say the least. There is no way any customer can say they didn’t know what they were ordering.

What Else Does TrixiePixGraphics Produce and Sell?

We also make stock AND personalized key-fobs. We feature a line of stock posters, both weird and traditional. We do custom “before and after” makeover compositing. And we produce stock t-shirt graphics (not personalized). We also sell a few fake certificates, fake books, fake magazines, and giant cashable bank checks, with more products being added almost weekly.

I Don’t have Any Money. Will You Barter for Your Products?

No.
We often receive requests to barter. The requests sometimes come from huge corporations, or magazines with gigantic circulations (one sold 17 million magazines per month). Why did they want to barter? We receive requests from movie companies to barter. Websites want to trade us for advertising space. In the past we’ve indulged a few of them. In no case that we can remember did it work out to our benefit. Our policy now is not to barter.

May I Write Absolutely Anything in My Customized Article?

We only have one taboo at present—kiddie porn. Nothing makes us angrier, quicker, than to stumble across kiddie porn on the net. It is one of the most predatory acts one human being can inflict upon another. Any other type of adult material is fine. Got an idea you want to run by us? Email it! Remember that we do not read any of the stories that are submitted for print. We simply don’t have time. Occasionally we’ll run into a formatting problem while preparing your order, and we’ll be forced to read a paragraph or two in order to solve the problem.

I Have a Birthday (or other time-sensitive emergency) Coming Up. How Quickly Can You Fill My Order?

Please order early. WAY early! Rush orders are stressful for you—and for us. They increase the chances of there being an error in your order, and they detract a bit from the fun-factor of this whole experience. But for those who didn’t order early, or can’t, there’s hope. We can generally turn a newspaper around overnight. Please remember that by asking us to rush your order, you’re slightly increasing the chances that an error will be made; but more than that, there will not be time to correct the error before your deadline. Still, about 60% of our business is ordered via some type of overnight service. Overnight shipping may or may not arrive overnight. We don’t guarantee it, and if it flubs, it’s between you and the carrier. Please DO NOT ask for shipping methods that are not available at checkout time. We offer NO quick solutions on custom artwork. Read more.

I Was Trying to Email Someone About Something I Saw on the C-Mar Industrial Diving Site, and I Ended Up Here! What the Heck Happened?

We handle all email for C-Mar Industrial Diving, which is a commercial diving site hosted on the TrixiePixGraphics.Com domain. Go ahead and send your email. It will be automatically re-routed for you.

I Placed My Order, and When It Arrived I Found an Error in the Story. What Do I Do?

Email us and bitch! If it’s our fault, we’ll correct it immediately and send out a replacement. We’ll probably also engage in some form of self-mutilation to show how sorry we are (bamboo shoots under the fingernails, branding of the buttocks with red-hot irons, the plucking of all body hair with needle-nose pliers, etc. etc.). If it’s NOT our fault, you’ll be expected to do all of the above and send pictures as proof. Or you could simply place a new order. Copy errors are virtually non-existent because we do no manual data entry. Everything in your product is electronically copied from your submission form, including your shipping address. But on the off chance we do screw up, email your complaint here. We do occasionally receive nasty, foul, insulting emails from customers who received their order and claim they found a mistake. In virtually every single case we can show them that it was THEIR mistake by providing a copy of their order form. Amazingly, some STILL demand that we replace their order for free. At that point we will sever contact with the customer and no future orders will be accepted.

I Need to Make a Miscellaneous Payment to You, for the Additional Charges, or Something Else. How Can I Do This?

We can bill your card manually. We will need the following data:

Name as it appears on the card
Billing Address
Card Number
Card Expiration

While the chances of some hacker grabbing your credit card info out of the ether as your email passes through a server somewhere are almost nil, they do still exist. Some customers elect to send part of their credit card number in one email, and the last part in a second email.

I Want My Picture Actually Composited into the Background Scene So It Looks Natural, Not Just Pasted There as a Rectangular Inset. Can You Do This?

Yes, but there’s an extra charge associated with composite work. You will need to describe exactly what you need in an email; then we’ll quote you a charge. Remember, also, that an order that is set aside for compositing cannot be delivered nearly as quickly as a standard order. Please be sure you REALLY want your image composited before inquiring.

Will You Spam Me After I Do Business With You?

We figure that if we ever go to prison, it will be for offing some rotten, stinking, monkey-brained spammer. So the answer is a resounding NO! We do not maintain your contact information at all. We’ve never sent a spam and we never will. We are commonly victims of spoofers, however, and you may think you’ve received something from us when in reality you’ve received something from some evil-doing punk (a la Bill Gates) who uses other people’s email addresses in the reply field so they won’t be confronted by the angry masses who object to their unwanted and mindless spam. For instance, in early 2003 we’ve been informed that someone is sending out spams featuring some sort of foot-warmer product, and faking the header so as to make it look like it came from TrixiePixGraphics. We’ll make a standing offer: We will pay $500 for the name and current (up to the minute) location of anyone engaged in such activity. You will need to provide PROOF of the allegation. No police will be involved.

If you’re having a problem with spammers, you can profit from it. In fact, you can almost make a living from it! For information on how to make spammers pay, go here. Trust us—it works. There is a growing sentiment on the Internet that suggests simply killing spammers who pester. The strategy goes something like this. Contrary to what spammers think, you really do have the God-given right to be left alone if that’s what you choose:

“Ask the spammer one (1) and ONLY one time to cease and desist contacting you. Of course this will provoke them to positively bombard you with even more spams. Assuming they do not honor your polite request (and they never will) track the spammer from an Internet Cafe, paying for your time in cash. Many tools are available online with which to track spammers. Even the trickiest caneventually be traced to a physical address. Wipe the keyboard clear of prints when you’ve tracked your spammer. Travel to the person’s home and shoot them until they are dead. Destroy the weapon. Don’t tell your wife. Don’t tell your brother. Don’t tell your priest. Don’t be tempted to mention or even allude to it fifty years later.”

Do we endorse or condone such actions? 
What a silly question….

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I Don’t Like Giving Out My Credit Card on the Internet. Would You Ever Do Something “Bad” With My Credit Card Info?

We generally never see your credit card information, which is fine with us. When you pay us for something, you’re not really paying us. You’re paying Yahoo!, or Paymentec, or some other nationally-known credit card payment acceptance company. We’ve provided a link to our card handler’s privacy statement. These companies are as secure as they get. We’ve made literally thousands of purchases on-line ourselves. We’ve never once had a problem with fraudulent use of our card. Credit card companies nowadays protect their users from that anyhow. 

I Am Ordering From a Foreign Country. Can You Alter the Article and the Rest of the Newspaper to Look as Though It Was Written and Published in My Country?

Yes. And no. More no than yes. Our templates are American by default. That means that we use the American dollar sign when referring to money, we use the American format for dates, times, etc. Any references to places or events in the filler text is made from an American point of view. If we change the references in the article itself to reflect the flavor of your country, then the filler text would be inconsistent. We could offer a template specifically designed for each and every country, but well over 100 countries visit us, and that’s totally impractical. You’re free to mention (or ask us to mention) in your particular article that the event being portrayed occurred in country “X”. But it will always look as though it is an American newspaper doing the reporting. The exception to this would be if you ordered a custom project, tailored explicitly for your country. That would mean we would have to swap out all of the filler text, which portrays American events, for news stories from your country. This would almost certainly cost you more than you’d like to pay. Remember that American newspapers report on just about every silly thing around the world (and are sold at news stands around the world), so it’s not unusual that your story would be reported in a US newspaper. 

Can You Make a Newspaper Article in Another Language?

We no longer offer this service.

What if I Place an Order Then Cancel it. Will I Get My Money Back?

If you’ve ordered a non-personalized item, yes. If you’ve ordered a personalized item, we’ll charge you a $10 processing fee regardless. When we receive an order, a new file is automatically set up. This requires input on our part, and if you cancel the order, it requires time and work to cancel the order out. We will refund all but $10 for cancelled orders of personalized items. However, bear in mind that if your order has already been processed and manufactured, it will ship and you will be charged the full amount even if you cancel. If you order dinner at a restaurant, for instance, and when it arrives at your table you say you changed your mind, you’ll still have to pay for the meal. It’s not as if the cook can give your meal to someone else. Please understand that if you cancel a personalized order we lose money even though we charge you $10. For this reason, customers who cancel personalized orders are generally not allowed to order in the future.

I Emailed You a Photo and a Story Awhile back, But Something Came Up and I Didn’t Get Around to Completing the Order. Can I Complete the Order Now, and Do You Still Have My Photo and/or Story?

This happens occasionally. We hold the story and/or image briefly. Then, if the order isn’t consummated, the system automatically purges the files off the drives. In that case, you’ll have to re-email the stuff and/or complete a new form.

May I Call You Up and Ask You Questions?

Sorry, no. We communicate only by email. That helps us avoid misunderstandings, mis-quotes, and subsequent, resultant mistakes. When we develop your product, we need to have everything written down, easily accessible, all in one place, because we never know who will end up processing your order—it almost certainly won’t be the person you spoke with on the phone. We’ve run into problems in the past, trying to keep track of a plethora of spoken promises, unclear answers to questions, phoned-in corrections and updates, hastily-made additions and deletions, etc. etc. Please don’t email us and ask us to return your call. We do check email often, almost on a 24-7 basis. We like things in writing. Email.

May I Write You a Letter? Where Can I Mail My Photo Submissions or Checks?

Our mailing address is posted on our “Contact” page. You may pay on-line with a regular checking account; just choose that option after clicking one of the “Order” buttons. Printable Order Form

How Will My Picture Appear in the Article?

If you order a regular “personalized” news article, your picture will appear as a small, rectangular inset into the background of the article, just like a regular newspaper does it. Compositing costs extra, takes longer, and must be special ordered. The inset will be sized and/or cropped so as to be appropriate for its background. It may or may not be converted to grayscale, and will be slightly “pixelated” so as to match the dot format of most newspaper images. If the image is exceptionally clear, a bit of noise (snow) will be added as well. If you supply a color image and order the “full” or “whole” size versions, your image will be printed in color, regardless of the color-space of the background image. Color is not available in the “small” or “pocket clipping” sizes. If you supply your image in grayscale, it will be printed in grayscale regardless of the size you ordered or the color-space of the background image.

Do I Get Just One Sheet or a Whole Newspaper?

When you order the small format, you get ten sheets of the same story that are about 6 x 9 inches in size, printed on both sides. When you order the “full” format you get three sheets of the same story, printed on both sides. When you order the “whole newspaper” you get one entire newspaper which is made up of eight pages (two sheets of four pages each). You may include multiple stories (additional charges apply). The “Whole Newspaper” order yields two (2) identical copies, unless you specify additional copies. Various formats can be viewed here.

Can I Use Any Headline, Any Picture, Any Text or Story I Want?

Yes. We normally don’t read any of the stories that come through, unless there’s a formatting problem of some sort that requires us to put things in context. If your story looks as though it could be used for illegal purposes, including harassment, we may kick it back to you for modification. While your mark may well deserve to be harassed, we can’t knowingly be a party to it. We may ask you to sign a release and waiver, or we may refuse to complete the order. We’re very open-minded. But our products are about laughter and good times—not The Dark Side. Imagine the chaos we could wreak upon the world if evil was our goal!

If I Don’t Supply a Snapshot of the “Victim”, Could You Remove That Box That Says, “Any Photo Here”?

Amazingly, we are often asked this question.

I See a Big, Obnoxious “COPYRIGHT NOTICE” Plastered Across Most of the Products on Your Website. Does This Print on My Personalized Order?

Our printed products will have a tiny (almost microscopic) copyright notice somewhere on them. The large, diagonal copyright notices you see on our images on the website are there only to protect our copyrighted images on the WWW and do not print on your order.

If My Article is Shorter Than Usual, Can You Fill the Unused Space with Something?

Of course. It’s done automatically. Please don’t ask us this.

Can You Make the Newspaper Look Exactly Like, Say, the New York Times?

No. Regarding the actual formatting of the paper, we could create a whole new template as a custom project, and it would exactly match any newspaper in the world, but it would cost you a LOT.

What If I Want More Copies Than the Regular Order Allows For?

The ordering process through the shopping cart allows you to buy extra copies. If you still need more, email, and we’ll arrange a special order.

What If I Buy Some Newspapers Now, and Then, in Three Months or a Year, I Decide I Want Some Additional Copies. Would You Make Me Pay for a Whole New Order?

Yes.

What If I Place an Order This Year, and Then Next Year I Want Almost the Same Thing But with a Few Minor Changes. Would That Be Considered a Whole New Order?

Yes.

If I Wanted Three Separate Headlines or Three Separate Stories, Could You Do That?

Yes, but it would be considered three separate orders.

I Notice That Some of Your “Risqué” Titles Have Black or Gray Bars Covering the Juicy Parts of the Image. Can These Be Removed?

Yes, though we require that you submit to us a waiver (which we supply). Also remember that no “real” newspaper would show those parts, so removing the bars detracts considerably from the “credibility” of the article, if you’re trying to fool someone. Still, the shock value can sometimes be worth the loss of credibility.

What If I Can’t Find an Article I Want. Will You Make One for Me?

You’re free to write your own article. You may word it any way you like.

I’m from Bolivia / France / Luxemburg / Switzerland / Russia (etc. etc.) and My English is Not So Goot. If I Maketh My Book as Finely as I May, Why Not You Can “Fix” it So it Reads Unbadly in English?

We do this fairly often. We charge extra—generally $20 (US). But we reserve the right to charge more if your English is more than a little rough. Email us your story draft and we’ll quote you a price. We will not write stories from scratch.

Who Owns the Work When it’s Finished? I Mean….I Paid for It, After All!

When you order a work from us you indeed do purchase some rights to its use. You purchase the right to personal use. We almost never sell “all rights” to any work, and when we do, it’s by special arrangement. We use the same Copyright policies as most “Quick Portrait” houses, most of whom will ask you to sign a Copyright agreement before they’ll give you your own picture! We understand how this can be confusing. Try to think of it this way: If you were to purchase, say, a pretty postcard from a tourist trap in Naples, you’d then have every right to display it, to hang it on your wall, to sleep with it, to destroy it, to send it to a friend…. But you would NOT have purchased the right to sell COPIES of it, or even to MAKE copies or give them away free. The person or company that creates the product automatically retains the Copyright to it unless it is specifically sold or licensed to someone else.

I Want to Re-Write One of Your Articles, But I Don’t Want to Re-Type the Whole Danged Thing From the Screen. Where Can I Find an Editable Copy of Your Articles?

Go here.

What If One of Your Articles is Almost What I Want….But Not Quite?

When we sell you a regular “personalized” article, you’ll be given access to the editable text so you can customize it any way you like. If you want to write your own article from scratch, or re-write one of ours, you may. You may always preview the newspaper submission form (as well as all other forms) here.

Can You Make an Article for Me If I Don’t Have a Picture of the Person?

Sure. We do it all the time. A photo is NOT required to do the piece. Most people prefer to use one, since it adds a great deal of credibility to the piece at a glance. But some clients simply can’t GET a picture of their boss, or their evil mother-in-law, or their loud, obnoxious neighbor, so we go ahead with just the person’s name. In some cases, too, it can be more fun to omit the person’s picture and not even mention their name until near the end of the story. This way, you can get them to read some outrageous story about some guy who’s naked, taking a shower in a carwash, for instance, and he’ll think it’s just another story about some nut-case somewhere—until he sees HIS NAME in print. Be sure to clear the room before he gets to that part.

May I Send You a Picture of My Dog’s Butt??

Yes, absolutely. There’s nothing we’d enjoy more. If you feel compelled to send us a picture of your dog’s arse, please do. We ask, however, that it be clear and properly exposed (no pun). Email pictures of your dog’s butt here.

May I Send You a Virus?

Yes, absolutely. There’s nothing we’d enjoy more. Seriously. We keep them as pets, then pass them along to other deserving folks. (Just kidding—they don’t even begin to survive the firewalls they must pass through to get to us.) We receive an average of 300-400 emails per day—that includes 1-3 viruses every day. Send more if it makes you happy.

May I Send You Adolescent and Harassing Email Through an Anonymous Remailer?

Of course you may! We recognize that as a mark of our success. Every Internet business of any consequence receives absurd emails from absurd people. Drew, at Fark, for instance, tells us he receives them “all the time”. The Internet is overflowing with snotty little fourteen year olds who see their place in the world as being the destroyers of all things—as long as they can do it anonymously, of course. Just go to any chat room, or listen to any C.B. radio. It’s the illogical noise of the unwashed masses. If you feel your opinion is so valueless as to be not worth attaching to it your valid name, current address and working telephone number, we’ll be happy to grant it the exact same degree of respect. The anonymous remailers can’t get through our security, so, if you’d like to snipe us, be sure and use a web-based service like Yahoo! or Hotmail, because, after all, you want to stay in the shadows as much as possible and snipe anonymously. Of course we can always track you through these services, but unless it’s a particularly slow week, or you actually make us angry (pretty hard to do), we probably wouldn’t bother. After all, it’s a free country and you’re as welcome as anyone else to make a fool of yourself. If we can get enough of these snipes, we’ll post a page of them, complete with IP addresses and tracking data. But take care: if you DO manage to piss us off, you’ll come to recognize in time that you’ve…… “made a mistake”. As retired law enforcement, we have access to methods and remedies that you don’t. The only puzzling part of this whole phenomenon is trying to figure out why these lower life-forms think anyone CARES what they have to say. Maybe their mommies did—but no one else does. And no one else ever will.

Who Writes All These Weird Articles, Anyhow? 

About two thirds of the news articles are written by the owner of Trixiepixgraphics. He has written for national magazines and newspapers since 1981, an eclectic assortment of works including selected accounts of 321 rescue missions he performed in the North Pacific, 132 vessels raised from the ocean floor, wild mustang training methods, law enforcement techniques including several works about rustler patrol on the Nevada range, tales of undercover work for the Federal Government in the ’70’s, a commercial diving column for SCUBA Times, aviation training pieces for Flying Magazine, helicopter emergency procedures for Ag-Pilot International, political satire for Hot Boat magazine, and countless others. Stories appearing in Nautical Quarterly have now become collector’s items with some back-issues selling, worn and used, for $600; his work may be found in any library.

Who’s That Guy on Your “Collage” Shown in All the Weird Pictures??

That’s our company’s illustrious (so he thinks) owner. We used his picture because he’s small, and weak, and we figured any one of us could kick his ass if he objected. All of the pictures are composites except one. The shot in the lower left corner is his actual photo. All others were made from that. If you’re a cute, rich, single girl and you’d like to meet this guy, we can arrange it for a modest kickback of, say, $3.21, which will be divided equally between the office staff. Email your request here.

Your Articles Download So Danged Slowly. It Really Ticks Me Off! 

Guess what. You’re right! This is a problem peculiar to this particular product. It has nothing to do with our domain server. The fact of the matter is that no matter how tightly we squeeze and squish and compress our newspaper articles, they still take up about 200k if you want to be able to read them. We could make their dimensions on-screen a little smaller—then they get hard to read. We could lower the resolution—then they get hard to read. We could turn the samples into plain old screen-shots, but they’d lose the feel and flavor of newsprint. We could compress them farther—then they develop compression artifacts, and they get hard to read. We could offer them as a text file, but that wouldn’t reflect the actual feel and quality of the finished article. If you’re thinking of upgrading to broadband, we can’t recommend it highly enough.

I Have a Little Snapshot I Just Love. Can You Turn It Into a Poster? 

Yes. No. And Maybe. Certainly we “can” do it. We can make a postage stamp ten feet tall by ten feet wide, if that’s what you want. But the question is, “Do you WANT us to do it?” Why wouldn’t you want us to? Because, while it’s relatively easy to make big things small (you just throw away the unwanted extra data), it’s quite difficult to make small things big (you have to invent new data to fill in the holes). We have lots of tricks for enlarging small images without losing clarity. Some work better than others. But in the end, you’re going to lose “some” degree of quality. How acceptable—or terrible—the enlargement ends up looking is dependent on many factors. We take enlargement jobs on a case-by-case basis. We’ll evaluate your image and tell you what we can—and can’t—do, for free. Just email it and we’ll reply in a day or two.