Jennifer Wilbanks, John Mason, Danny Porter, Mayor Shirley Lasseter, Runaway Bride in Duluth
“The size of the eyes was such a surprise,
But the size of the lies was bigger…”
Convicted Shoplifter and God-Only-Knows-What-Else
Lots of stories make us sick. This is one. Our position is this: If Jennifer Wilbanks wants to act INSANE, more power to her. If John Mason wants to try to forge a relationship with a spoiled whack-job like this, well, that’s what life is all about—learning lessons. And he’ll learn some doozies with this woman as his wife. The thing we really object to is the squandering of tax dollars in a case like this. We don’t know about you, but we paid plenty in taxes last year. Thanks be to Jennifer Wilbanks, we’ll pay even more next year. Maybe the District Attorney will make her pay back a portion; maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll charge her with the crime(s) she committed, or maybe the good ol’ boy network in that part of the country will protect her. Either way, we say: “Let the aliens have her, and her parents too.” We herewith nominate Jennifer Wilbanks for our “World Record Spoiled Brat Award”. Good freaking grief.
|Fake/Joke Newspaper Article Text — Copyright © 2007 TrixiePixGraphics|
Alien who abducted Jennifer WilbanksJennifer Wilbanks Changes Story AGAIN!By Mike Peters
AP ReporterDULUTH, Ga.—
We’ve all heard the story of “Runaway Bride” Jennifer Wilbanks — this is the Duluth, Georgia gal who bought a Greyhound ticket and plotted her escape even while her family hawked the family jewels in order to give her a fairy princess wedding to boyfriend John Mason.At first, Wilbanks, calling from a phone booth near Albuquerque, New Mexico, claimed she’d been abducted by a Hispanic male and a Caucasian female and dropped off, unharmed, in Albuquerque. Federal investigators soon got to the bottom of that, however, and Ms. Wilbanks tearfully recanted her tale and told authorities the supposed truth: There had been no abduction at all; she was merely nervous over her impending marriage.“Well shucks,” commented Mayor Shirley Lasseter. “I would have done the same derned thing in her shoes. That’s certainly reason enough to incite half the country to look for you.”Ms. Wilbanks was returned to her home town and her fiancé’, but authorities contend she is anything but contrite, saying, “She doesn’t seem to grasp what she’s done; she doesn’t seem to understand why anyone might be miffed or even disappointed.” Authorities indeed had more to say off the record, and it appears that much of the quiet hamlet of Duluth is nearly up in arms over Jennifer Wilbanks’ outrageous inconsiderateness.District Attorney Danny Porter seemed at one point to be leaning toward the filing of charges against Wilbanks which could include one or more Felonies.In response to a general call by the community for Wilbanks’ head on a platter, her attorney, Amil Schmungoner, announced Monday evening that the real story had not yet come out.In an interview before national media concerns, Schmungoner related that, after all, Jennifer Wilbanks had been abducted, but not by the Hispanic male and Caucasian female she claimed, but actually by space aliens.At one point Schmungoner stepped aside and allowed Jennifer to relate the tale:
“I was just jogging along, you know,” said Wilbanks. “I saw a bright light, and I heard a buzzing sound. The next thing I knew, I was in Vegas!”Reporters quickly demanded to know if this was, at last, the real story, to which Wilbanks replied, “Would I lie?”Wilbanks related a familiar tale of probes and exams while in the alien ship, but she refused to go into detail.“It was horrible,” lamented the woman. “I mean, all that probing and probing and probing…. I think it’ll be months before I could endure something like that again.”District Attorney Danny Porter concedes that, given these new revelations, he could not in good conscience file charges against Wilbanks. “She’s the only real victim here,” admitted Porter. “Let’s give this poor girl a break.”Porter did say his office would be filing charges against the fiancé, John Mason, for offering to marry the woman after all. “A community can only tolerate so much stupidity,” said Porter. “I’m going to throw the book at that guy, and her parents deserve the chair.”
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