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Item Number — FT-1
Fake “Medical” Tests
Medical Science has truly evolved. The miracles of DNA research have brought us simple home tests which, even a decade ago, would have been considered nothing short of Voo-Doo. -Not!
Test for just about anything you can think of, and be guaranteed a positive result every single time!
Looking for a Ready-Made Fake Pregnancy Test? Click HERE
Have Fun with a
Test for Anything Under the Sun
Always a False Positive!
Convince Your Roommate He’s Gay After All!
Tell Your Wife You Have Distemper, and Show Her the Test Result to Prove it.
Have Fun with an “Always Positive” Drug Test!
Show Your Little Brother that He Really is “Retarded” After All!
Convince Your Boss You Have Malaria and Need a Few Days Off…
Maybe You Always Wanted a Raging Case of Rickets? Test’s Positive!
Hoof’n’mouth Disease? No Problem!
Have Fun with a “Gay/Lesbian Proclivity Test”
Think Your Wife’s a “Mad Cow”? Test Her and Be Right!
How does this work?
Type in the name of the test (like Home Homosexuality Test, Stupid Test, whatever), and also a line below the name which describes the test. Make up anything you like. The test is the same regardless.
Important: Whatever you type into the form is
exactly what will print on the label of your test kit.
The possibilities are limited only by your imagination!
Usually ships same day, always within 72 hours.
Personalize a Test Kit for Your Own Gag
Choose a name for your test or make one up from scratch
Sample only — Test Label Will Say Anything You Specify
Specify a NAME for the test, and a DESCRIPTION of the test. What you type into the form will appear on your test-box label as shown below:
May not be customized to test for any “real” medical condition
Remember: If you want a Fake Pregnancy Test, click HERE instead of ordering this item. Fake Pregnancy Tests are in stock and will ship immediately. You do NOT have to complete a form for a Fake Pregnancy Test, but you MUST fill out a form if you purchase this item.
In the Kit…
What the heck’s in the test kit, anyhow?
Each kit contains all the goodies you need to utterly convince your mark the test they’re taking is legitimate. Contents include sterile pads to wipe your pee-pee, complete instructions, some medical gibberish that will totally confuse your victim, a little urine collection vial, the test strips themselves, etc. etc..
Each kit contains supplies for two complete tests—your victim can take the test twice to be twice as convinced of their affliction, or you can share it with a friend.
If your victim can pee in a cup, they can do this.
Every test will yield a false positive. If you’re testing for, say, the presence of an alien implant, the test will peg itself to the extreme end of the color-matching scale, and there’ll be no doubt they’ve been probed by creatures from outer space—probably anally.
The color-matching scale is graduated from yellow to green to dark blue. Unless you’re an alien, every subject’s natural urine will move the marker past green, which is a positive result in and of itself, and right on to dark blue, which is the “WARNING ZONE” indicating such a strong positive that other anomalies may also be present. When the subject’s pee turns the marker dark blue, the instructions advise to freeze the specimen in the freezer (a freezer-acceptable container is provided), then consult a doctor ASAP for further testing. It’s up to you to stop them before they make a rush appointment, then spend $75 at the doctor. Or not. Either way, you’ll laugh yourself into a gut-ache, watching them jump through the hoops.
If you like a gag with class, this is for you.
CAUTION: This item has the potential to be used irresponsibly. By completing and submitting the form below, you agree not to use this product for purposes which may be illegal, immoral, fraudulent or hurtful to others. Like almost any item in existence, this product may be used for fun or for evil, depending solely on the intentions of the user. It is designed as a novelty/gag device. Be sure your “mark” has a sense of humor before unleashing this product upon them!
Gay / Lesbian Tendencies (tests for closet gay-ness)
Heterosexual Tendencies (tests for closet straight-ness)
Cranky (tests for “genetic crankiness”) (terminal / incurable)
Bitch (prove conclusively that your mate’s a BITCH!)
Asshole (prove conclusively that your soon-to-be ex is a RAGING ASSHOLE!)
Malaria (proof for your boss that you’re having a malaria flare-up and need the day off)
A.D.D. (tests for “Attention Deficit Disorder, which you already know your S.O. has)
Computer Illiterate (tests for computer illiteracy—hey, it’s in the genes)
Stupid (tests for genetic stupidity—get ’em to take the test, then show ’em what it’s for)
Blond (specifically tests for the blond gene (is it real or is it bleached?)
Happy in Relationship (tests to determine if a person is generally happy or unhappy)
Sexual Fantasies About Animals (animal molesters carry a certain gene—this test shows whether or not you have it)
Deviate (sexual deviates all have a particular malfunctioning gene—see if your boyfriend has it)
Pervert (see above)
Intelligence (this test will react positively if the subject’s intelligence is genetically superior to the average)
Hottie (think you’re a Hottie? Real beauty is more than skin deep. If you’re TRULY a Hottie, this test will prove it. Find out for sure)
Stud (tests to see if you have abnormally high levels of testosterone (which makes you more of a man than your friends)
Rickets (test to see if you need the day off because you have Rickets. What’s rickets? We have no idea)
Flesh-Eating Disease (prove you have the Flesh Eating Disease and you’re sure to get the day off—probably with pay)
Had Sex with a Horse (people who’ve had sex with a horse invariable undergo a physiological change which can be determined by this test)
Alien DNA (tests for the presence of Alien DNA–are you a space baby?)
Anally Probed by Aliens (when aliens probe you anally, they leave behind certain DNA markers which are revealed by taking this test)
Anally Probed by Anyone, Ever (this test shows if anyone has ever probed you anally—not just aliens)
Mad Cow Disease (use this with extreme caution—there’s a disclaimer sticker on the bottom of the test)
Sex Change Operation (tests to see if your sexual orientation has been changed surgically)
Anal Sex (if you’ve ever had anal sex, this test will reveal it)
Impregnated by Aliens (if you’ve ever been impregnated by aliens, this test will give you the proof you need to file complaints and file suits)
Nuts (tests to see if you’re a nut-case)
Virginity (tests to see if you’re truly a virgin–remember, every test always shows positive)
Virginity (tests to see if you’re NOT a virgin–remember, every test always shows positive)
Syphilis (tests for Syphilis—watch your partner run screaming to the VD clinic, and watch the docs roll on the floor when they see your victim’s frozen specimen)
Gonorrhea (see above)
Crabs (sometimes you can’t see ’em, and you have to run a test)
Worms (got worms? This test will show it)
Black Blood (tests for African American DNA—give this to your Good Ol’ Boy bigot friend from Mississippi)
Homicidal Maniac Tendencies (tests to see if you’re a natural-born killer)
White Blood (tests for Caucasian DNA—give to your racist black friend to show him he’s really white deep down)
Indian Blood (prove you’re a Native American—get grants, free medical coverage, land, monthly payments from the BIA, etc.)
Iraqi Blood (a la “Ich bin ein Iraqi”)
Guilty (guilt brings about profound hormonal changes in the body—this test shows that you’re guilty, guilty, GUILTY!)
Wants a Divorce (a person who wants a divorce can be tested for the XA-3572b hormone—this test will show it conclusively)
Pregnant (everyone (even our friend Bob) wants to know if they’re pregnant)
Hoof-in-Mouth Disease (we tested a friend once and told her she had a faulty gizzard. Unfortunately, her doctor told her we were bullshitting. Hoof’n’Mouth is every bit as good an affliction as a faulty gizzard)
Malfunctioning Gizzard (see above)
Genetically predisposed to: (genetically predisposed to whatever you can think of: bad driving, dishonesty, nymphomania, cheating, infidelity, wife beating)
Exposure to Radiation (shows your victim has radiation poisoning. Where’d they get it? Probably from those aliens)
Distemper (got distemper? Of course you do)
Positive for Drugs (you KNOW your husband’s been into the cocaine again, but you can’t prove it—test him and make him spill his guts)
Immediate Result for Lying (the world’s full of lying liars. For about 60 seconds after you lie, your body chemistry will betray you. Ask your question, then quick—make ’em pee. You’ll get the truth–at least your version of it)
Female Hormones (males start out as females after conception. Sometimes, those female hormones still rage, even decades later. Test your overly macho boyfriend to knock him down a peg or two–a positive test result shows he’s basically a girl who’s been trying real hard to be a man)
Male Hormones (test your tom-boy girlfriend)
Diabetes (test for diabetes. Why? We’re not sure)
Allergic to Cats, Dogs, Ferrets (do you absolutely hate your girlfriend’s cat? Well, who wouldn’t. Show her the test results, then tell her the cat has to go (better than killing the mangy little shit))
High Blood Pressure (want someone to have high blood pressure? Now you can give them the gift that keeps on giving (watch ’em hit the Atkins diet, then the gym)
Huge Breasts (men who swear they don’t care about the size of your breasts are probably lying. Test ’em and prove your point)
Small Breasts (some men really do prefer small breasts. If you have big breasts, and your mate says he loves ’em, but you suspect he’s lying, test him!)
Sex with Pygmies (there is a certain gene in males AND females which makes them prefer sex with pygmies. They may hide this secret lust all their lives, but in the end they can’t help it—it’s genetic. Test to be sure)
I.Q. Less than 80 (people with very low IQ quotients can sometimes fool the standard IQ test. If they’re geneticallySTOOPID, this test will show it)
Fake Medical Tests, Fake Pregnancy Tests, Fake IQ Tests, Fake Drug Tests, Fake Lesbian Tests, Test for Lesbianism, Test for Homosexuality, Test for Cowardice, Test for Truthfulness, Test for Honesty, Test for Infidelity, Test for Fidelity, Test for Stupidity, Test to See if Your Mate is a CRANKY BITCH or an ASSHOLE! Buy a test and call it a “Chemical Polygraph Test”. Tell your gullible mate the test will show if they’ve lied in any significant way in the previous 60 seconds—then make ’em take the test real quick. Trust us–it’ll say they lied!