(Great Stocking Stuffers)

Present one as a twisted gift, to send a “special” message, make a political point, or leave one in the cupboard to scare the hell out of the babysitter or nosey in-laws, neighbors or your children’s ever-mooching friends.

Write your own label
Choose your own ingredients

A few ideas:

Ferret’s Feet (in light gravy sauce)
Testicles de France (vera vera small)
My Ex-Husband’s Testicles (small, petite)
My Ex-Wife’s Brain (dehydrated)
Baby House Rats (in light gravy sauce)
Bill Clinton’s Brain (dried)
Fish Scales (Mixed Species)
Belly-Button Lint (unsalted)
My Husband’s Testicles (one pair)
My Ex Husband’s Testicles (one pair)
Dehydrated Water (add water)
Pig’s Eyes (with lids and lashes)
Monkey Balls (Fully Cooked)
Can O’ Money (small bills)
My Secret Stash (do not open)
Rotten Red Meat (snake food)
Dehydrated Mice (add water to reconstitute)
NAPALM (handle with care)
Nitro Glycerin (handle with care)
Fried Ants (in sugar syrup)
Kitten’s Ovaries (with Tofu)
Boiled Blood Clots (type-A, unfiltered)
Hairless Pink Rat Tails (in cheese fondue)
Cat’s Eyes (with socket flesh)
Poodle Ribs (in brown gravy)
Fingernail Clippings (a rice dish seasoning)
Belly Button Lint (unsalted)
Fish Scales, Salted (dehydrated)
Maggots (live, in brown sugar with peas)
Whirled Peas (we all wish for it)
Human Pubic Hair (balled, unsanitized)
Nose Buggers (assorted colors, fleshy)
My Husband’s Self Respect (microwaveable)
Index Fingers (five fingers in water)
Feline Hairballs (medically extracted)
Saddam Hussein’s Courage (contains one grain of rice)

Item Number — FC-00