Multiples of 12, by the sheet or cut
11.7 x 3 inches each, $23.95 / dozen uncut

We sell bumper stickers only by the dozen.

You may order a dozen individual stickers, cut and trimmed. Or, if you’re sickeningly CHEAP, you can order an “uncut sheet” of a dozen at a discount (see option during checkout). You’ll then cut out each sticker with a small, sharp hatchet, hacksaw, or possibly a pair of scissors. Why do we only sell by the dozen? Because our printers are too large to be efficient at printing one at a time, and because everytime “we” make up a bumper sticker, we find that we end up putting one on our vehicle, another on a co-worker’s vehicle, one or two on the neighbor’s car in the middle of the night, and we’ll give some away to friends or family who want to do the same irresponsible kinds of things.We have hundreds of sticker designs but no time to post ’em — and there’s virtually no money in selling bumper stickers in any case. We offer them here only because we make many for ourselves and friends, and the machinery and software is always in place.

In the form below you can specify your text, OR upload your own design (one or the other). If you choose to upload your own design, please set your document size at 11.7 x 3 inches (landscape mode), and the resolution at no less than 100 dpi (300 dpi is better). We may slightly adjust your image so it will repeat as needed across our large sheets. Please do your final save (the final save ONLY) as a .JPG bitmap, at 100% quality, and upload that using the form below.All stickers are UV Pigment printed onto water-resistant white vinyl with a self-adhesive backing and a matte front, etc., etc..

If you submit a plain text string to be printed, we may or may not dress your text up a little (see below), depending on our present state of boredom and available time, and whether or not we fall in love with your sticker idea. If it’s reeking dog poo, or if we just don’t have time to make it cool, you’ll get only what you pay for (plain text with no embellishments).

REMEMBER: Simpler is ALWAYS better. The form below allows for up to three lines of text, at 40 characters per line with a total set at 90 characters including spaces. That would produce a VERY crowded and “busy” bumper sticker. We suggest no more than two (2) lines of no more than 25 characters each, but of course the CUSTOMER is ALWAYS right. Snarf.

You’ll find a few bumper stickers below that we’ve made for fun — for friends, the rear bumpers of ex-friends, soon-to-be-ex-friends, ex-bosses, ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, Glenn Beck, anyone named Hannity, O’Reilly, Obama or Pelosi, etc. These probably aren’t for sale — chances are they were a one-off, spur of the moment deal for some radical ne’r-do-well / malcontent who stopped by and we didn’t even save the graphic file after we capitulated to their threats and printed the sticker. We do NOT necessarily agree with or condone ANY of the sentiments displayed below (chances are we don’t agree with ANY of them), but we continue to post them here mostly to cause trouble, to stir up overly-emotional liberals and conservatives, and to bait fanatics in, in hopes they’ll flame us with some truly uninformed, bug-eyed shrieking rant, which we’ll eagerly post somewhere below along with their IP address and ISP. Now THAT……is ENTERTAINMENT.

We receive emails from around the world from folks who figure if we only knew about “their” killer bumper sticker idea, we’d surely be rich because no idea in the universe is better than theirs. Here are just a few of the ideas we’ve received since 1998. NONE of these are our ideas. We hold the copyright on nothing in this growing list. We post them here merely as seed for thought in thinking up your own custom bumper stickers. We have not read more than about 1% of these, so if you see something offensive, please let us know.

Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
“Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.”
“If God doesn’t like something about me, let him tell me, not you.”
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Fishing is not a matter of life or death—it’s more important than that.
“If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Him what YOUR plans are… “
“I like noise. I need noise. When it’s too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.”
Fundamentalism means never having to open your mind
Stupidity: too steep a price for marrying your sibling. 
I know GOD would never give me any more than I can handle — I just wish He didn’t trust me so much!
Discourage Inbreeding. Ban Country Music!
Will litigate for food!
Come Rapture the world will be ours once again.
WWJD for a klondike bar?
Dogs think they’re human. Cats think they’re gods.
Say NO to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
My God is bigger than your god. 
Another dopeless hope fiend!
Nothing political is correct.
There is no God higher than Truth!
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors … and miss.
Leave Earth Now – Ask Me How
“Resurection? Been there, done that. Can you say Isis and Osiris? “
“Think globally, Act galactically. “
Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians.
Gravity always gets me down.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy! 
Fight Organized Crime — Don’t Re-elect ANYONE!
Don’t wear Jesus on your sleeve – Wear Him in your heart.
I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
Tow-ers will be violated!
“Jesus, don’t leave earth without him.”
Proud to be American.
“When life hands you gators, make Gatorade. “
I want to be Barbie™– The bitch has everything!
My other car!
“Harm None, Do what you will.”
Don’t assume I share your prejudices
“Despite the cost of living, it’s still popular.”
“Jesus loves me, don’t tell my husband.”
Stable relationships are for horses. 
Lingua mortua sola lingua bona est. [translation: The only good language is a dead language.]
Life is short. So buy the shoes! 
I Speak To God And I Know What’s Best For You
“Jesus loves me, but can’t stand you.”
I’m out of bed and dressed — what more do you want?
Daddy drinks because you cry.
Warning! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
“THANK GOD FOR ATHEISM — Without that, I’d have nothing to believe in!”
“Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking. “
Men are idiots and I married their king. 
I brake for animals – I accelerate for small children.
Ninety-eight percent of all Fords are still on the road. The other two percent made it home.
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Smile! Your mom chose life! 
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more!
Penny for your thoughts. Twenty to act them out.
Man created God in Mans picture.
“Ass, Grass or Gas nobody rides for free!”
Protected by Witchcraft!
“When God ordains, He sustains.”
“Diahoerea is a heredatory ilness, it runs in the family.”
If this car is being driven courteously it’s been stolen.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
“The last time they combined religion and government, people got burned at the stake.”
Mystery readers are never clueless (after chapter one)
Help! I’ve tripped and I can’t come down!
“Jesus, if your followers are going to heaven then I’d rather go to Hell.”
Objects in mirror may have flunked driver education.
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you”
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 
Round Dancers do it in a traveling box
Property of Satan! 
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
“Some days, it’s not even worth chewing through the restraints. “
I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Marx: Religion Is The Opium Of The People. Religion: Marx Was An Alcoholic.
I am getting so tired of slitting the throats of people who say I’m a violent psychopath!
Objects in mirror may have flunked driver ed
I got this motor home for my wife. BEST deal I ever made!
When in doubt – shup up!
“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. “
People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do. 
Abortion: A Baby Can Live Without It
Mean people suck.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Happiness is the planet Earth in your rear-view mirror
I need patience. NOW!
It’s God’s job to forgive Bin Laden. It’s our job to arrange the meeting.
“Wink, I’ll do the rest!”
My kid had sex with your honor student!
Keep your rosaries off my ovaries
“Not tonight dear, I have a modem.”
“Follow that car, Godzilla – and step on it!”
Proudly marching to the beat of a different kettle of fish
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Love is no game for the weak 
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
Cat: the other white meat. 
Illiud Latine dici non potest. [Latin for You can’t say that in latin.]
Reality is the Hairball in the Catnap of Life
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. 
“I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. “
Don’t upset me. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies 
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Jesus is coming! LOOK BUSY
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a hammer.
Mary is pregnant again… and the world still isn’t ready.
My other vehicle was assimilated by the Borg! 
“Take matters into your own hands, Pray!”
“You toucha my Car, you fry for Eternity.”
Don’t presume I’m Christian.
“So many lawyers, so few bullets.”
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Be alert. The world needs more lerts. 
Honk yer horn fer Satan!
“Your child may be an honors student, but You’re still an idiot.”
“If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?”
Men are proof that women can take a joke. 
Jesus is coming and you’re wearing THAT?!
“To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither is government policy. “
Do Not Meddle in the Affairs of Witches… [picture of frog]
The Ten Commandments are NOT multiple choice — God
“According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.”
“Can you think on your own, or do you need the media to think for you?”
If you’re happy and you know it see a shrink.
My kid sells term papers to your honor student.
“Your energy, your will, your God!”
Life’s a Witch… and then you fly!
“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
Visualize Whirled Peas
Support your local undertaker — drop dead.
You’re Just Jealous because the Voices are talking To Me
No government is better than NO GOVERNMENT! 
“Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”
“I’m immortal, so far.”
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work – I want to achieve it by not dying.
Will Write Code for Food!
Old age comes at a bad time. 
“Buy American, while there is still time!”
Subvert the dominant paradigm!
“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”
Real Men love Jesus. He looks fantastic in a miniskirt
If its not a baby– you’re not pregnant! 
Televangelists – Pro Wrestlers of Religion
My Other Vehicle is the Mahayana
“If it isn’t fattening, it isn’t food!”
Born free. Taxed to death!
Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
Don’t make me get out my flying monkeys!
“If Jimmy cracks corn but nobody cares, why does he still do it?”
People who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
Cats make everything taste better. 
Christianity has Pagan DNA!
Honk If you think I’m Jesus
Only sheep need a shepherd. 
Real Men love Jesus. He looks fantastic in a miniskirt!
How Dare you assume I’m a Christian!
“In case of rapture, can I have your car?”
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s just hilarious.
Anarchists of the world unite!
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore!
A Woman’s Place is in the House… and Senate!
Born free: My father’s a doctor.
I’m Pagan… and I Vote!
Is there an imaginary cure for hypochondria?
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it
Suicidal Psychopath.
I don’t deserve self esteem
“An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.”
“If ignorance is Bliss, Washington must be Paradise! “
“First they burn books, and then they burn people”
I Brake For Moloch!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. 
Happiness is the planet Earth in your rear-view mirror.
Sanity is back-ordered. Sarcasm is in unlimited supply. 
Dead men tell no tales… unless you’re in forensics
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
I got out of bed for this?
My husband said he’d leave me if I didn’t stop reading mysteries all the time… I’ll sure miss him!
Earth Air Fire & Water Bind us to her
“I’m not lost, I’m exploring!”
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
“The problem isn’t water, or waste, or space, or fuel. The problem is PEOPLE!”
Charlton Heston is MY Moses!
I considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.
All good things in moderation ….. including moderation
“I think, therefore I am dangerous”
“It may be a small world, but I’d sure hate to paint it.”
Honk if you love Vishnu
Not all who wander are lost
National Spellling Bee Runer-Up 
“We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse! “
How may I ignore you today? 
Is there a special God whistle only – He – can hear?
“Never ever say Here, kitty, kitty to a Kzin”
Back off! I’m not that kind of car.
“If a man’s best friend is his dog, don’t give him your phone number!”
“Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. “
Freya’s Folk 
“Don’t Blame ME, I Voted For McGovern.”
God is not a name. It’s a job description.
Children Are People Too.
“I am not unemployed, I am a consultant!”
“Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.”
“Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!”
Welcome to Middle Earth. NOW GO HOME. 
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Work is for people who don’t SURF THE NET
As Above So Below.
Even Jesus lived with his mother until he was 30.
“If you think our Father in heaven is mad, just wait until Mom finds out! “
“If you lived in the 7th ring, you’d be home by now.”
“Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.”
The fact that no one understands you does NOT make you an Artist!
Iambic pentameter in motion. 
I am the bad thing that happens to good people.
“Walk by faith, not by sight!”
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
Constipated People Don’t Give A shit.
“Arsonists of the world, ignite!”
Preserve the old growth lithosphere. BAN SUBDUCTION!
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
“I believe in the big bang theory, God spoke and bang it happened”
“Grad School – It’s not just a job, it’s an indenture! “
Buckle up! It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you from your car.
Animal testing is futile! The animals always get nervous and give the wrong answers
“If you don’t stop using my name in vain, I’ll make the traffic jam longer! — God”
Never believe generalisations.
Caution Vampire in trunk!
“Blessed be the censors, for they shall truly inhibit the earth”
We are Microsoft! Resistance is Futile! You will be assimilated!
Girls Kick Ass!
“If you can read this, you weren’t raptured.”
C’mon Jesus ain’t gay! Judas kissed him!
“Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.”
My Daddy says condoms don’t work!
Pro-choice? That’s a LIE! Babies never choose to die!
“Heaven, not a place but a state of mind”
Life is a Banquet… So EAT ME!
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
“The problem with religious texts is that the answers aren’t in the back, either.”
Death is hereditary.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
“If you listen carefully on a quiet night, you can hear the sound of Chevys rusting in the distance.”
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
The grass is always greener on TV!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
“The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.”
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
“Yes, I’ve heard of decaf. What’s your point?”
Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the leather straps. 
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment. 
Look at the Bright Side — This Sure Beats Working at Burger King!
Vote Democrat – it’s easier than working! 
Pass with care. I chew tobacco.
“I think, therefore I’m dangerous.”
“1.8 x 1012 furlongs per fortnight. ‘Tis a good Idea, and it doth be the Law. “
Are lightning rods contrary to God’s will?
CAUTION! – I drive just like you!
“If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?”
Goddess in training!
I’m not deaf. I’m just ignoring you.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
Who needs drugs? I go broke buying books! 
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
Just when I was getting use to yesterday along came today.
Work is for people who don’t know how to golf.
Good planets are hard to find!
My child was inmate of the month!
Men exist because cats won’t mow the lawn. Women exist because sheep can’t cook. Neither of these things explain children.
Athletes love to score!
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
So many idiots – so few comets.
“Pray, let the SON in – Smile and let him OUT!”
“It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.”
“When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you”
A hard man is good to find!
No one is free when others are oppressed.
Heaven’s for saved people… not good people!
“I love my country, but fear BIG Government.”
Unicorns aren’t mythical… virgins are! 
Why am I in this basket and where am i going?
It’s a control freak thing. I won’t let you understand!
“Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken.”
Finish your beer. There are sober people in China.
Just because you’re paranoid it doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.
Abortion: A baby can live without it!
“Men have feelings too, but who really cares?”
I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha!
If your ship hasn’t come in…Swim out to it! 
“The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake. “
A dirty mind is a wonderful thing!
Nobody’s perfect. I’m a Nobody.
I’m not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.
“Come out, come out, whatever you are!”
There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
How can there be to many children? That’s like saying there’s too many flowers. 
“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”
“I’ve heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading. “
Excess is never too much in moderation.
“When cryptography is outlawed, 7c%K@mp8T=;Rfs9bVhi*5xFwW/Q[uY”
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now!
What I really need are minions. 
Life would be so much easier if we just had the source code.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 
Work is for people who don’t surf the net!
My other ride is your mom.
“When you’re finally holding all the cards,”
You don’t need a pedigree to be a best friend
“OK, who stopped the payment on my reality check?”
America! Love it or leave it.
Nice front bumper you’ve got there. Shame if something happened to it…. 
Cats make more sense than women
Honk if you ARE Jesus
You say bitch like its a bad thing.
Give God what’s right — not what’s left.
“Impeach the President… and Fire Bill, too.”
What do Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture the moment.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more! 
Ankh if you love ISIS.
I can’t go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns. 
War is God’s way of teaching geography.
“Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I’m deaf and blind. “
“Men aren’t pigs…pigs are gentle, cute creatures!”
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities!
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Honk if you’ve betrayed Our Lord
Go Fascinate Someone Else
Honk if you are God.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Long live my car 4 it takes me where I need 2 go.
“My girlfriend told me I needed to be more affectionate, so I got two more girlfriends.”
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
I have a handgun and it’s licensed. Any more questions?
Conservatives suck
“Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.”
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
May the baby Jesus close your mouth and open your mind.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 
I’m a fool for Christ– Who’s fool are you? 
Dead people are cool.
Don’t laugh at these fogged up windows. It’s your daughter in here.
“If the French were on your side, how would you know ?”
“If Christ is the answer, what was the question?”
No government is better than NO GOVERNMENT!
I was abducted by aliens and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker.
Loud wives loose lives!
Friends help you move house. Real friends help you move bodies.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
It’s hard to Soar with Dragons when you Work with Gargoyles
It’s won’t power I have a problem with
Smoking Cures Ham!
I’m not lost-I’m born again! 
Bipartisanship.. I’ll hug your elephant if you’ll kiss my ass.
I can remember when fire fighting was dangerous and sex was safe.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
“I am not riding in this thing until you learn how to drive, it’s dangerous.- Ganeshah “
“Remember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem?”
I’m the product of a secret government project. 
Computers are vehicles for the mind. They drive you crazy! 
Life is too complicated in the morning.
A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.
WORK is for people who don’t know how to FISH
IA499 – Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole. 
I don’t need a new religion. I haven’t used up the Old one. 
Get even. Live long enough to be a problem to your children
“Is it OK to use YHWH as a Scrabble word, and if so, do you get the extra 50 points?”
“Victims and suspects and clues, oh my!”
Support a lawyer. Become a doctor.
“If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?”
Please don’t honk – Driver may go Postal if awakened
The more things change the more they suck!
“To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.”
Nietzsche: God Is Dead — God: Nietzsche Is Dead — Satan: Everybodys’ Gonna Die.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
If At First You Don’t Succeed… Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
I’m pretty sure God prefers spiritual fruits to religious nuts.
Liberty is not Free!
“If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.”
Where is the rapture when you need it? 
“I Believe in Dragons, Good Men, and other Fantasy Creatures.”
Telepath wanted. You know where to apply.
“Blessed be the censors, for they shall truly inhibit the earth.”
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.”
“If life gives you peanuts, make peanut butter. “
“I’ve Tried To See It From A Liberal’s Point Of View, But I Can’t Get My Head That Far Up My Rectum”
Support our troops!
“ETERNITY, it’s HELL without Jesus! “
I found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time!
“I’d give up chocolate, but I’m no quitter”
“I’m not tailgating, I’m drafting!”
So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
Faster than a speeding ticket. 
Bush & Cheney Kiss My Ashcroft !
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
“If you think this car is dirty, then you should spend a night with the driver!”
Plan ahead — It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
God doesn’t want shares of your life; He wants controlling interest! 
Stop Using Jesus as an Excuse for Being a Narrow-Minded Bigoted Asshole!
Do not start with me. You will not win.
Cats humor us because they know that their ancestors ate ours.
Good cowgirls keep their calves together.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 
Annoy a politician today – THINK
I SAW that — God 
“I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.”
People are more passionately opposed to wearing fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than bikers.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Virtue is it’s own punishment.
Visualize Whirled Pizza
Profit from the Prophet!
Love is free. It’s diapers that are expensive
God has a sense of humor… He made you didn’t He? 
MONEY TALKS! But all mine ever says is GOODBYE!
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 
When God created man she was only kidding.
Never trust a smiling GM!
Not all women are fools. Some are single.
“I’ll die for my own sins, thank you.”
I swerve for cats.
“When He dried off, did He leave His face on all the towels?”
Politicians & Diapers need to be changed… often for the same reason
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. 
It’ll be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber
Dare To Think For Yourself.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Sacred cows make divine hamburgers.
Murphy was an optimist!
“No God, No Hope – Know God, Know Hope.”
“First things first, but not necessarily in that order.”
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix NEVER DRINK AND DERIVE!
“Support Capitol Punishment, Flog a Politician Today”
Cats don’t want to own people. They prefer to lease with an option.
“Pardon my driving, I’m reloading. “
“It’s OUR money, not theIRS!”
Sometimes you’re the bug and sometimes you’re the windshield.
If all else fails .. lower your standards
Only FOOLS believe there’s a Biased Liberal Media!
Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship.
I’m the Christian satan is worried about!
Ex-wife for sale. Just take over payments.
Lost your cat?! Try looking under my tires.
“West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names. “
Panic now and avoid the rush.
Dain bramaged!
We are IBM! Windows is Irrelevant! You will be Assimilated!
“Life is short, pray hard”
“So, when’s the wizard going to get back to you about that brain?”
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! 
Honk if you love God!
I have NOT lost my mind. It’s backed up on the server. (and the network is down again…)
Chess players mate better
“Suicide is a way of telling God, You can’t fire me, I quit!”
I’ll hug your elephant if you’ll kiss my ass.
Atheism cures Religious terrorism.
I love my country. It’s the government I’m afraid of.
Dr. Kevorkian for White House physician.
She said Harder! I did that. She said Faster! I did that. She said Deeper! I philosophized. 
You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who cares
We don’t change God’s message — His message changes us.
Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee!
What would Scooby do? 
Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean 
Worry. God knows all about you. 
“If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight?”
Don’t blame me… I’m just visiting this planet!
Prayer: Don’t give God instructions – just report for duty!
Did Job ever collect unemployment?
Born again Pagan.
International Folk Dancers do it by the grapevine!
Use CAUTION!
“If women are from Venus, then why can’t we send them back?”
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Warning! I know KARATE!! (and seven other chinese words)
My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Procrastinate now. 
I’m glad when I’m SKYCLAD 
The rapture was last night!
Can you kill the Holy Ghost? Or is it too late for that?
A boss is like a diaper. Always on your ass and constantly full of crap.
Trust me I’m a lawyer [picture of shark ]
Tired of being around? Call Dr. Jack.
They call it ‘PMS’ because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was already taken.
Feminism is the radical notion that women are people
Some mornings I just don’t feel like slaying dragons
http://www.sex@myplace.com.now.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit. 
Re-elect Bush: I’m tired of waiting for the Apocalypse.
“10,000 Roman Lions can’t be wrong… Christians just taste better! “
Computers are vehicles for the mind. They drive you crazy!
“Mean People Suck, Nice People Swallow.”
If You Are Against Abortion Get A Vasectomy.
Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
“HELL: It’s not the Heat, it’s the Humidity”
“So many cats, so few recipes.”
They’re Lying
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life – music and cats. — Albert Schweitzer
“BEEN THERE, DONE THAT – Can’t remember why…”
“I did not escape, I have a day pass!”
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home!
We’re staying together for the sake of the cats!
Out of the Broom Closet.
“It’s not a choice, it’s a child.”
So many christians – so few lions!
Today’s subliminal message is: ( ) 
Inside every small problem is a big one trying to get government funding
“Unborn Babies Are People, Too”
For some reason Jesus doesn’t like M&M’s.
“Now that I’ve cooked the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?”
Don’t steal. The government hates competition. 
No use telling ME to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.
Isis Astarte Diana Hecate Demeter Kali Inanna
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Too Bad This Thing Can’t Do 666 Mph.
My mother is a Goddess.
DANCE GYPSY
I’ll believe in reincarnation in my next life. Oh! Wait a sec… I’m born again!
“He who laughs last, thinks slowest! “
You can’t love God unless God loves Himself.
“I’m shy, but I have a big dick!”
“Where there’s a will, I want to be in it!”
Agnostics can do anything if they have something to not believe in.
God pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day.
Focus on your own damn family! 
Please be patient. God’s not through with me yet
Choose to be Chosen — Choose Judaism!
Weird Enough for Government Work.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
Roman Catholic and loving it!
“Come the rapture, we’ll have the earth to ourselves! “
My Airman fights for your honor student’s freedom! 
I don’t trust President Clinton (or her husband).
My kid sells term papers to your honor student 
Something Wiccan this way comes.
“When all else fails, manipulate the data!”
Well behaved women rarely make history.
Eat a bible and pass the word
“If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one.”
Axe me about Ebonics.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux. 
My Other Car Is a Chariot
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Proudly marching to the beat of a different kettle of fish!
Constipated mathematicians have to work it out with a pencil.
“Trust God, He cares.”
On a car in the Bay Area (CA) with a picture of George Bush: If only his dad withdrew earlier
Just bring me the coffee and nobody will get hurt.
God save us from religies fanatics.
Ankh if you love RA. 
What are these things in my hair? – Gaia
My kid knocked up your honor student.
Cthulhu Saves: so he can eat later.
“I don’t care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.”
You say psycho like it’s a bad thing.
“Dorothy, hate Oz, taking the shoes, find your own way home- Toto”
I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
“I try to make sacrifices, but the goat got away and I couldn’t find a virgin anywhere!”
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Where are we going? Why am I in this handbasket?
“I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.”
Life is too short to worry about how short life is. 
I pee in pools!
Impeach Bush
There is no freedom OF religion without freedom FROM religion.
Please do not honk. Driver trying to sleep.
Will the road you’re on get you to my place?– God
“If men are from Mars, then why can’t we send them back?”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Has Anyone Seen My Constitutional Rights?
Civil Disobedience – It’s not just for revolutionaries anymore!
I’m Pro Choice and I Vote!
Practicing Rampant Nonjudgementalism!
I fart to make you smell better.
I love animals. Especially in a good gravy!
“Now that you’re after me, wanna get married?”
Are you happy or are you married?
Absolute zero is Cool.
I LOVE CATS. They taste just like chicken.
I brake for green lights.
The First Amendment grants Freedom of Speech. THE SECOND GUARANTEES IT!
Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Life is like a box of chocolates .. full of nuts!
It’s not who you sleep with… It’s who keeps you awake!
God knows all the answers – and She’s not telling!
“Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU’RE still an idiot. “
He’s YOUR God. They’re YOUR rules. YOU burn in Hell!
Work harder!! Millions on welfare are depending on you.
Who are you to question why your god doesn’t want me to believe in him?
“I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong!”
If you keep on cursing I’ll just prolong the traffic.– God
WARNING! Dates in calendar are closer than they appear!
I want my rib back! 
Why didn’t I start sooner?
“Some days, the most interesting thing on the TV is a sleeping cat!”
“This may not be the Mayflower, but your daughter came across in it.”
Save trees! Eat more beavers.
Religion is for those who fear hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there.
UFO’s are real. It’s the Air Force that doesn’t exist!
The Big Bang theory: And God said ‘Pulleth my Finger’
Get Right or get Left! 
“When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you. “
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. 
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Wiccan Army: We will not fly silently into the night!
“Jesus Christ said, ’I came not to bring peace, but a sword.”
Nice front bumper you’ve got there. Shame if something happened to it…
“No fat bitches, or my shit will scrape!”
The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere!
A closed mind doesn’t need drugs– It’s already wasted
Mankind is the result of millions of years of evolution designed to produce a better Cat Servant
“Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, then change the subject.”
I’m sweating like a pedophile in a playground.
Liberals want misery spread equally.
“I believe in dragons, good men and other mythological creatures”
Religions are just large Cults!
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
Faith Is Believing What You Know Ain’t So. – Mark Twain
Happiness is a warm machinegun.
It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark
Avoid life. It’ll kill you in the end.
A bad day of golf beats a good day of working.
Annoy a Liberal Work hard and be happy
Perfect people never improve.
Tourist season is coming up! Don’t forget your license!
Goddess Bless! (with Goddess names)
English Country Dancers do it the traditional way!
“100,000 Lemmings can’t be wrong!”
“If you’re living like there is no God, you’d better be right”
Problem with the gene pool …… no lifeguard.
I’m retired. Go around me. 
“Don’t blame me, I’m from Uranus.”
“God, give me patience, but RIGHT NOW!”
“Steal from one person, and you’re a criminal. Steal from EVERYONE, and you’re a GOVERNMENT!”
I drive like lightning. I hit trees.
Born Again Atheist 
“I’m so far behind, I thought I was first. “
A good university needs a football team like a fish needs a bicycle.
The mountain won’t come to Muhammad. Jesus keeps moving the thing.
My Goddess gave birth to your God.
Cats keep their claws sharp because they know that just a purr may not be enough
CATS. The other white meat!
Guess which one isn’t protected? (pic of baby and seal)
You have the right to remain silent. So please SHUT UP.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Dogs think men are gods. Cats are not so easily deluded.
Nobody is ugly after 2am!
Your TURN SIGNALS are for my enjoyment ! 
Line dancing. See what happens when cousins breed?
“Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.”
Clinton doesn’t inhale… he SUCKS!
“If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults. “
The Goddess does not seek worship – she rejoices in being vividly imagined.
“Without sports, this bumper sticker would be about my honor student. “
“All men are idiots, and I married their King.”
FEED THE HOMELESS TO THE HUNGRY
Had a life. Traded it for a faster modem.
“Cuz when the night falls, you make me forget.”
Life is sexually transmitted.
“I’m a drunk, not an alcoholic. Alcoholics have to go to meetings.”
“I love my boss, I love my job, I’m self employed”
Heading in the wrong direction? God allows U-turns.
“Be creative, invent a perversion!”
Honk if you love cheeses.
Bush Lied
“All men are Animals, Some just make better Pets!”
Barbie is not a slut: her legs won’t open.
I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to work.
“Screw world peace, visualize DRIVING. “
“One abortion – two casulties… one dead, one wounded”
“Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist, ought to have his head examined.”
Teach. Don’t Preach.
“I might be driving slowly, but I’m still in front of you.”
“Grad School – It’s not just a job, it’s an indenture!”
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
“Face it, girl, Prince Charming isn’t coming. He’s living with Mr. Right.”
“It’s FREEDOM OF religion, stupid (Pentacle) “
“I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.”
Caution! Rosemary’s Baby On Board!
I’m an imbecile and I vote!
“Don’t look back, they might be gaining on you!”
Fast during Ramadan; not while you’re driving.
“When the Rapture comes, can I go to the Summerlands instead?”
Jesus rules… Do you live by them?
Save a man from drowning. Take your foot off his head.
Don’t Panic. Count to ten… then Panic!
EARTH IS FULL! GO HOME!
If they can send a man to the moon why can’t they send them all?
I need a bigger bumper for all the stickers I want
Father God created Mother Earth!
Do Not Meddle in the affairs of Witches …
“Well, at least the war on the environment is going well. “
I snatch kisses and vice versa.
“Cute and definitely huggable…YES, me!”
“A loving choice, adoption”
Beautify Texas! Put a Yankee on a bus.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
“Love thy neighbor, but don’t brag about it!”
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
“Back Off, I’m a Goddess.”
Can’t Make It To Church. Just Too Many Human Sacrifices To Perform. Sorry.
I get plenty of exercise just pushing my luck!
Live simply… So I can have the stuff you don’t use!
Sex without partners — charter member.
“He who angers you, controls you!”
“Life is a Witch, and then you fly”
Hire teenagers while they still know everything!
Been there done that… smile; God still loves you. 
“Follow your dreams, not me.”
Irish dancers do it step by step!
My computer goes down on anybody.
Cats are dogs with a college education.
“Sex is like pizza. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good!”
Nice guys finish last and bring you breakfast in bed!
Ain’t goin’ down ’till the sun comes up!
Repeal Inhibition!
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Keep honking – I’m reloading.
Just say NO! To sex with pro-lifers
“If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.”
Proud parent of a honer student at Cutlery College. 
Churches only worship the prophet margin. 
“I have a nice body, and its in my trunk.”
“Power corrupts, and absolute power is kinda neat.”
BRAISE THE LORD: 450 degrees for 90 minutes. Add Veggies. Season to Taste.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
“Gosh, I’m going to miss her.”
“Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.”
I was abducted by space aliens and I vote!
Attitudes are the real disability.
Nothing to lose!
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
Beauty is only a light switch away.
I’ve given up bowling for sex because you don’t have to take your shoes off and the balls are lighter.
“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”
Been There – Shit Happened.
“Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite.”
Equal rights for unborn women
Blondes have more fun… with Me! Blow your mind. Smoke gunpowder.
“Born once, that was plenty.”
Book lovers never go to bed alone! 
“Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.”
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to recent cutbacks.
Saw It … Wanted It … Had A Fit … Got It!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
“If we are what we eat, I’m cheap, fast, and easy.”
“Heaven doesn’t want me, and Hell is afraid I’ll take over.”
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
We are America. Prepare to be assimilated.
“Members Only, Trespassers will be Baptised! “
I love animals. They’re delicious. 
“If it has tires or testicles, it’s going to be trouble.”
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? 
“Some days you’re the Dog, and some days you’re the Hydrant!”
We are IBM™! Windows™ is IRRELEVANT! You will be ASSIMILATED! 
“When Cthulhu Calls, he calls 1-800-Collect.”
“Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum. “
Don’t Like Religion? Don’t have One!
I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them!
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter. 
I’m looking for the right pedestrian to run over.
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount! 
“Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese “
My kid got your honor student pregnant!
Hang up and drive. 
“Anyone who can see through a woman, is missing a lot!”
My grandfather sodomized your honor student.
“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. — John Lennon, 1971”
The best things in life aren’t things.
He Is Not My President
“I’d rather go hunting with Cheney, than go driving with Ted Kennedy”
“If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!”
Warning Invisible Dragon in Back Seat
I love you and you and you and you and…– God
“He’s YOUR God, They’re YOUR rules, YOU go to Hell!”
Chaste makes waste.
Rehab is for quitters.
Money wouldn’t be so important if everybody didn’t want some.
Some things must be believed before they can be seen!
“If You’re Not Outraged, You’re Not Paying Attention”
“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes. “
My daughter turned down your honor student!
Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas. 
Think this looks bad? You should see the front.
God doesn’t believe in atheists.
Don’t let school interfere with your education.
“Make love, not war; get married and do both!”
I suffer from c.r.s. (can’t remember shit)
XXX the censors!
Eat a beaver. Save a tree.
“The way I drive, I’ve gotta have Faith! The way to a man’s heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs”
Know Sin. No God. Know God. No Sin.
I have yet to hear a MAN ask for advice on how to combine marriage and career.
“The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy. “
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Evangelists = Evils Agents.
My reality check just bounced.
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph. 
It looks to me like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks.
We are the people our parents warned us about!
A.A.A.A.A. – An organization for drunks who drive!
Vasectomies stop abortions.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
No radio. Already stolen.
HUG A LOGGER – you’ll never go back to trees.
Pro-Free Speech. Pro-Gun. Pro-Choice. PRO-FREEDOM!
Dyslexics Untie!
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
Ban toilet cleaner. Germs have feelings too.
Religions are like cults- just more people
Don’t Californicate Oregon!
Bean me up Scotty! They make lousy coffee down here
Honk Forty Times if you’re Orthodox
“When a Buddhist is absorbed in his computer, does he enter Nerdvana?”
Honk if you love peace and quiet. 
Did you check if your horn works? 
Get a taste of religion. Lick a witch.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors. 
Mary had a little lamb and he died for his flock.
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail!
Creature of the Night
“I am a nobody, nobody is perfect… Therefore I am perfect.”
Liberal Arts major: will think for food. 
Heavily medicated for your safety
Watch out for the idiot behind me. 
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Morris dancing is an exercise in fertility 
“Hey jerk! You are driving a car, not a phone booth”
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
I love you — God 
Mmmm. I smell a t-bone ahead. 
You can’t chill out in the Hellfire… It’s cooler to be a Muslim
“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. “
“I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. “
practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
Don’t honk! I’m peddling as fast as I can.
“Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don’t drive! “
The complaint department is closed!
I only LOOK sweet and innocent
Dead men tell no tales… unless you’re in forensics.
Rejoice! Your Mom was not PRO-CHOICE.God doesn’t believe in Atheists
Never trust a government that doesn’t trust YOU!
“In case of rapture, have a designated sinner “
How do you confuse a wanker? 37
Never take life seriously.
God is coming… and is She pissed!
Don’t think God has a sense of humor? Look at the platypus.
My sexual preference is: Often
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 
Fueled by Satan.
Fundies are Fundies. No matter if they quote the Lord or the Goddess.
Real Men Love JESUS!
Death Before Dishonor. Nothing Before Coffee!
“Everything I really needed to know, I learned in sniper school”
What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
“Did you take a shit today? Well, put it back!”
“If you want a country run by religion, move to Iran.”
Are you making an appointment with St. Peter on that cell phone?
“I tolerate all religions, except any that are different from mine.”
Want to be Jesus? I’ll get the cross if you get the nails.
I’d give my right hand to be ambidextrous.
I found Jesus! He was hiding behind the couch.
“Clinton can’t feel my pain, Clinton IS my pain!”
Save the whales! Collect the whole set.
To err is human. To really foul things up requires computers.
“God must love stupid people, he made so many.”
“Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.”
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t. 
Speak to the Earth and it shall teach thee — Job 12:8 King James Bible
“I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?”
“Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is bad for you!”
“Honesty pays, but not enough”
The first boat people were white!
I haven’t been the same since that house fell on my sister 
Al-Hajj: God’s version of Lollapalooza.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Do to the other fellow as he would do unto you. But for God’s sake do it first!
Empty the prisons – Make room for congress.
“186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it’s the LAW.”
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
To all you virgins… thanks for nothing.
“One abortion, One Dead, One Wounded”
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
“The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
Christians: can’t live with them can’t feed lions without them.
“When you are tired of Jesus, can I have him?”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
“I do not have any messianic delusions. At least, that’s what God told me”
“I’m not born again, my mother got it right the first time.”
“I am a child, not a choice”
I’m back by popular demand. 
Abortion: The Ultimate Child Abuse
“To hell with the dog, beware of the owner”
I’m a vegetarian – I eat anything that eats greens.
Jesus paid for our sins. Now let’s get our money’s worth!
“Veni, vidi, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.”
It’s a dog eat dog world… And I’m wearing milkbone underwear!
“Oh, no! I turned out just like my mother!”
Inland Revenue: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got. 
I’m not nearly as think as you confused I am!
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
The Klingon Prime Directive: [tiHoH in Klingon font] Kill Them!
Religious freedom means ANY religion!
The lottery is a tax for people who are bad at math.
“If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport”
Been there. Done that. Can’t remember why…
I feel so much better since I’ve given up hope.
“No Jesus, No Peace – Know Jesus, Know Peace.”
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
My God = My Judge; Butt Out! 
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened. 
Politically incorrect and proud of it!
Support the right to arm bears!
Power Corrupts – Isn’t that what it’s for?
Judge not so that you may not be judged.
A six pack to you is just a six pack… To me its life support!
“Learn from your parents’ mistakes, USE BIRTH CONTROL”
SO MANY CHRISTIANS — SO FEW LIONS
“Joe’s morgue: You kill’em, we chill’em!”
Every path has some puddles.
Don’t Start With Me. You Know How I Get.
I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I just can’t get my head that far up my ass.
Sure you can trust the Government! Just ask an Indian! 
Support bacteria! It’s the only culture some people have.
Celebrate Science & Humanity….Darwin Day!
I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere. 
“I may look funny, but I’d kick your ass on Jeopardy.”
Could Jesus change a water cooler into a wine cooler?
Dont assume I Share Your Prejudices
White Anglo-Saxon PAGAN!
“100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? “
“I don’t come with dices, so dont play me!”
In the beginning was the word – and the word was four bytes.
Do it to me one more time …
“God Is my Copilot, but He can’t drive either.”
Evolution is both fact and theory. Creationism is neither. 
“Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.”
I don’t believe in gnomes – they are liars!
Proud to be a Republican!
Ever seen an UZI fired from a car window?
Murphy was an optimixt!
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
“When in doubt, set and turn!”
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
“Faith isn’t faith, until its all your holding on to”
“If the van’s a’ rockin, don’t come a’ knockin”
“A world without war; a dream to some, a nightmare to the arms manufacturers.”
“You can have my First Amendment when you pry my cold, dead hands off the Second.”
“I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.”
Scottish dancers love a fling!
Book lovers never go to bed alone!
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Carpe DM: Seize the Dungeon Master
Diarrhoea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!
Do it only with the best.
“Don’t vote for a jack-ass, vote republican.”
“Back off, I’m a Postal worker.”
“If men had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.”
Save the planet! Kill yourself!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
“Lord, save me from Jesus.”
“I live in my own little world, but it’s ok they know me here.”
“God Created Adam, saw the mistake!”
I’m not bald. It’s a solar panel for a sex machine.
My karma ran over my dogma.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Anyone who claims that God is on their side is dangerous as hell.
I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving. 
“If you don’t like abortion, don’t have one.”
What would Gandalf do? 
“God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.”
ZenCrafters Total enlightenment in about an hour!
The Damned Make Better Lovers
Invest in America. Buy a Congressman!
Just bring me the coffee and nobody will get hurt
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
Evolutionists Do It With Increasing Complexity 
Get off my tail or I’ll flick boogers on your windsheild!
Annoy a politician today. THINK!
Honk if you’re illiterate!
Serial Killer.
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
“Unless you’re the lead dog, the view doesn’t change!”
Is it too late to get the Russians to nuke Washington?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
The best things in life aren’t things
I’m not a schizophrenic. And neither am I.
“Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES!”
“Forget world peace, visualize using your &+%?*$! Turn signals!”
“C:Coffee.exe NOT FOUND bort, etry, rew another pot?”
Marijuana aint against my religion. People in the bible got stoned for everything.
He who hesitates IS LUNCH!
Heart Attacks … God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
My wife’s other car is a broom stick!
“Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.”
“Don’t call us gun nuts– with a government like ours, we’d be nuts not to have guns!”
“I do listen to your prayers, I’m just not interested in the game — God”
“150 Million True Believers. 144,000 taken up in the Rapture. Do YOU feel LUCKY?”
Guns are for people who can’t get their Broadsword up!
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Griping about My cigarette smoking can be hazardous to YOUR health!
“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”
“A tisket, a tasket, a victim in a casket”
“If you’re born again, do you have two belly buttons?”
God loves you! And I’m really trying.
If you think it is hot here…..think of what Hell is like!
If I wanted a bitch…..I would have bought a DOG!!!
“Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me. “
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me
“I love kids, but I can’t eat a whole one”
There is no freedom OF religion without freedom FROM religion
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu: It Found Me! 
Have You Hugged A Witch Today?
“Jesus saves, Moses invests, but only Buddha gives Dividends”
Witches Heal!
“Jesus, protect me from your followers! “
So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute!
We All come from the Goddess
“Will the last American leaving Miami, please bring the flag?”
“The older you get, the better you realize you were.”
“If you don’t like my attitude, stop looking at my Stickers!”
Do you trust a government that doesn’t trust you with guns?
EARTH FIRST! We can stripmine the other planets later!
“Reincarnation: Been that, done there.”
[Alien face] Nice little planet you’ve got here. Shame if something happened to it.
“Abortion Hurts, Jesus Heals”
Zero to naked in 5.1 beers.
B-5/DS9 – Boldly going in circles where no TV shows have gone before (this week)
“When the Church Ruled the World, it was called the Dark Ages.”
Shake your a** for Jesus!
“Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.”
“As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.”
Dyselxics have more fnu
Support the Theory of Evolution. 400 Billion Amphibians Can’t be Wrong!
Don’t Re-Elect a Son of A Bush!
Lost your cat? Look under my tires.
All The Arms We Need Are For Hugging. 
Make the world a better place. Kill a bigot.
Cat: The Other White Meat
“If men could get pregnant, nobody would have ever THOUGHT of abortion.”
Heaven is a lonely place. Everybody thinks they’re the only one going
“Eat beans, not beings”
“If a woman wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.”
I don’t brake.
“Downsizing is good, right? Then let’s fire Uncle Sam!”
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins. 
I didn’t do it. You can’t prove it. Nobody saw me. The sheep are lying! 
My parents think I’m in college
Are you stoned or just stupid?
Whoop dee fuckin doo!
Welcome to Hell – I’m your caseworker.
It’s worse than you think and they ARE out to get you! 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 
United We Stand!
“God Must Love Dumb People, He Made SO Many Of Them”
Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.
Never trust a naked lawyer.
Regular or extra-crispy: How will you spend eternity?
[Dragon] Some things must be believed before they can be seen
Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
“We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?”
Lawyers have feelings too 
I’m Pagan & I vote!
Prone to random acts of senseless reckless endangerment.
You! Out of the gene pool! 
So many cats. So few recipes.
You’re pro-life? That’s fine. Now get one and stay out of mine!
“If you hold a Unix shell up to your ear, can you hear the C?”
IA500 – Have you forgotten about Jesus? Isn’t it about time you did? 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
“Jesus loves me, this I know – that is why I don’t drive slow! “
Horn Broken … Watch For Finger
God is alive – he’s just unemployed.
“I believe in God,I choose to call her Mother Nature.”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is!
“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most!”
“Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.”
Cats make more sense than men
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
“Christians: You can’t live with them, you can’t feed them to the lions anymore .”
Study art and logic. Learn to draw your own conclusions!
“Laugh, and the world laughs with you – Snore and you sleep alone.”
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her 
I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. 
Feminism Is The Radical Idea That Women Are People.
Honk if you love Allah
Invest in America Buy a Congressman!
You think it’s hot here?– God
“If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.”
I always finish what I st 
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
“The fundies keep telling me I’m going to Hell and they’re going to Heaven. If they aren’t there, it won’t be Hell, so I guess we’re all going to the same place!”
Never fight ugly people—they have nothing to loose.
“I’m not littering, I’m donating to the Earth!”
“All generalizations are false, including this one.”
I go from zero to bitch in 3.5 seconds.
I Don’t Do Windows.
I got kicked outta Scouts for eating a Brownie.
KALI: A necessary evil 
Ax Me About Ebonics
Loved the wedding. Invite me to the marriage. — God.
Klingon Empire Survey Vehicle
“Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaler educatus et nimim propinquus ades! “
“Listen to Limbaugh? No thanks, my parents weren’t related”
“Join the Army. Visit exotic places, meet interesting people, then kill them.”
“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? “
I Hate Bumperstickers 
The buck doesn’t even slow down here!
“Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Gals: No Shirt, No Charge”
We cannot win peace. We cannot buy peace. We must earn peace.
Darwin and the Dead KNOW better NOW. 
Come closer and tell me about it!
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”
The trouble with the gene pool is that there’s no lifeguard. 
“Today isn’t your day. Tommorrow isn’t looking too hot, either.”
“I’m not losing hair, I’m getting head.”
“If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?”
“If it’s not a baby, You’re not pregnant”
“Everything I know, I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.”
“Beautiful women don’t intimidate me, but I sure wish they would try!”
“Guilt, Fear, Mass Insanity -3 chears for christianity!”
Nietzsche is dead. — God
Heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh.
“I gave up drinking, smoking and sex – Worst 15 minutes of my life”
New! Divorce Barbie. Barbie doll with all of Ken’s accessories.
Out of mind – Back in 5 minutes
Who’s Who In Hell? Read the book.
“I don’t mind straight people, as long as they act gay in public”
My other car is a Porsche
Remember my name — you’ll be screaming it later.
God is my CoPilot & He Can’t Drive!
Life’s too short to dance with ugly men.
All Acts of Love & Pleasure Are My Rituals.
Inside every large program is a small program trying to get out. 
I am suffering from a Sexually Transmitted Disease: Children! 
“REAL PROGRAMMERS DON’T DOCUMENT If it was hard to write, it should be impossible to understand!”
Hatred is NOT a Family Value.
“If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you! “
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk. 
You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
“Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?”
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
A bad day of fishing beats a good day of working.
Most men would respect a woman’s mind more if it bounced gently as she walked.
The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
The Easter Bunny didn’t rise from the dead. 
Dont laugh. Your daughter could be in here.
Terror! Abortion kills 4000 Americans Every Day!
PARTY SKYCLAD!
Freedom of Religion means ALL Religions
Try a little coven lovin’ (Heart w/Pentacle) 
“God grades on the cross, not the curve.”
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”
“GO AHEAD, HONK If I can hear you, you’re in range “
“Trust me, I’m a lawyer!”
Dont drive faster than your guardian angel can fly
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
MY MIND IS NOT FOR SALE OR RENT TO ANY GOD OR GOVERNMENT
Bobbitt’s Tavern. Have a few too many and we’ll cut you off!
Jesus to his followers upon his return: You did WHAT in my name?!
Smile – things may get worse more slowly.
“If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative”
I didn’t do it. You can’t prove it. Nobody saw me. The sheep are lying!
Saw it… Wanted it… Had a fit… Got it!
“The four Cat food groups: Dry, Canned, Natural, Yours.”
“Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.”
“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.”
I love animals. They taste great!
Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
One World = One God
“Trust God, She cares.”
Born OK the First Time.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
You read my bumper sticker. That’s enough social interaction for today. 
“The meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it. “
I need a little less talk and a lot more action.
It’s time to pull over and change the air in your head!
Firefighters are always in heat.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether!
The Ten Commandments are not the ten suggestions!
“If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.”
Forbidden Fruits create many Jams!
Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.
“If you don’t like the news, go out and make some of your own!”
Fight organized crime. Abolish the IRS.
Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3.
Boycott ignorance. Sleep in this Sunday.
My other vehicle was assimilated by the Borg!
The Goddess loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re a jerk.
SAVED@THECROSS.COM
On the Road or On the Phone — PICK ONE!
Rapture– the only way to fly!
Never play leap frog with a Unicorn.
I can’t get enough minimalism. 
I’m out of estrogen and I’ve got a gun.
God was my co-pilot but we crashed into a mountian and I ate Him
Don’t steal. The government hates competition!
Bad cop. Bad BAD cop. NO DONUT. 
“If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.”
Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational mind 
It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish
Reincarnation is making a comeback!
“And on the 8th day, God went skiing!”
Put politicians in their place – Landfills!
Archaeologists are the cowboys of science.
“If you can read this, thank a teacher”
Dole for Pineapple.
The way to a man’s heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs
Dyslexics have more fnu.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.
Friends don’t let friends line dance.
The #1 cause of divorce is Marriage.
Bush & Cheney Kiss My Ashcroft
“I don’t repeat gossip, so listen closely the first time.”
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada.
Learn Spanish! Jesus is coming. 
My cat dislikes the term pet. It prefers friend and confidante. 
Don’t let your mind wonder. It’s too little to be left alone.
You are depriving some poor village of its Idiot.
“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories…”
Support Search & Rescue – Get lost!
Speed kills. Drive a Chevy and live forever!
“The Cat Philosophy of Life: If you can’t Eat it or Shred it, then Sleep on it.”
“My job drives me to drink. If it wasn’t for that, I’D QUIT!”
“If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0!”
“If the music is too loud, you’re too old.”
“If God didn’t want people to have sex, They wouldn’t have made it so much fun.”
I’m going to Hell in a bucket. At least I’m enjoying the ride.
A man and his truck: It’s a beautiful thing.
Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
“Hell is like Florida: It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”
Ask me if I care!
Your honor student swallows!
“I doubt, therefore I might be.”
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Don’t let the world press you into its mold.
My other car bumper sticker is funny.
No Jesus. No salvation – Know Jesus. Know salvation.
DIVORCE: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
“Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.”
“We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.”
Editing is a rewording activity.
God Bless the USA.
Reality is the leading cause of stress
Doing my Part to P*** off the Religious Right
“Veni, Vedi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.”
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
Wizards have crystal balls & Halloween – what have you got?
Accepting Jesus is only good for eternity.
I’m not speeding. I’m just qualifying.
Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids?
IT’S A GIRL! (Nativity Scene) 
“If all the world’s a stage, I want better lighting!”
You are proof that God has a sense of humor.
Control your destiny or someone else will.
“Support Capitol Punishment, Flog a Politician Today!”
Blondes arent dumm
Grow your own dope. Plant a man.
I always said I wanted to Be Somebody. I guess I should have been more specific!
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, Implants?”
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Die Yuppie Scum!
It’s bad enough driving sober. Don’t drive drunk
How do you pamper your parents? That depends.
Am I supposed to be impressed?
Dyslexics of America-Untie!
“They may break our hearts, but not our Spirit!”
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
My other car is a broom 
The Rapture already happened — no one made the cut.
Fighting for Peace is like f*cking for virginity
Christian Math: 1 + 1 + 1 = 1
“It said ‘Insert disk #3’, but only two will fit.”
It wasn’t for ALL of us that Jesus died; but it Was for EACH of us.
“I’m not a bitch, I’m the bitch.”
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
“Warning! I intentionally run over small, furry animals.”
Don’t drop out…of church.
Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
I have a degree in Liberal Arts – do you want fries with that? 
“If you can read this, thank your teacher.”
Cthulu: My God ate your God.
Hang up and drive!
Why suffer from insanity when you can revel in it?
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Lord save me from your followers!
“Moon cycle wax and wane, bring Her blessed face again”
Marijuana is nature’s way of saying high.
“Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it!”
With my life I could be on all of Oprah’s shows.
“I plan to live forever. So far, so good! “
When God created man She must have been drunk and horny.
“LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.”
My other car is a space ship
Jesus loves the Hell out of you!
“Beat the evening rush hour, leave work at noon!”
Against Abortion? Then Don’t Have One.
Happy Happy Kill Kill
America needs a Faith Lift!
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. “
Get your own bumper sticker and stop staring at mine.
Having Abandoned My Search For Truth I Am Now Looking For A Good Fantasy 
“If you enjoy your freedom, Thank a Vet!”
It’s YOUR hell. YOU burn in it.
“Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that. “
“Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!”
What wouldn’t Jesus do? 
“I brake for fairys, elves, gnomes, the toothfairy, the easter bunny, santa and other little creatures that only I can see”
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
Gun Control isn’t about guns. It’s about control.
“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?”
Practice safe sex. Go screw yourself.
“Forget the Jonesses, I keep up with the Simpsons.”
“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”
Keep your Butt in the your car. The earth is not your ashtray.
What’s a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
“It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. “
I had a good wife once. Then she went home to her husband.
Warning: mental backup in progress. 
Mankind is the result of millions of years of evolution desidned to produce a better Cat Servant.
The winner of the rat race is still a rat. 
My other car was a bicycle last time.
Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Bin Laden used Your gas money.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
“At Exxon, we help Jesus walk on water.”
The meek shall inherit the Earth. The rest of us are going to the stars!
I souport publik edekasion.
“If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?”
“If you talk to God, it’s prayer. If God talks to you, it’s schizophrenia.”
If you can read this:- you are too damn close.
Squirrels: Nature’s speed bumps. 
Are you wearing a condom?
“I VOTE ON MORAL ISSUES – Greed, Corruption, Poverty, War, Intolerance, Hunger and Equality”
Tithe if you love Jesus. Any fool can honk
“I owe it all to my boss – Ulcers, nausea, paranoia…”
“I’m not shy, I am just examining my prey.”
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I’d be a presbeberian if I could spell it.
“Welcome to Sunny Pandaemonium, The Sinner’s Playground!”
You are 98% chimp. 
Contradancers do it when called!
“I had the right to remain silent, but I didn’t have the ability. “
“Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.”
“Welcome to Florida, now go home.”
Legalizing Concealed Weapons would be just fine if stupidity was outlawed
Boldly going Nowhere!
“When God made man first, She was only practicing.”
“If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.”
I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
“If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.”
Unicorns aren’t mythical … virgins are!
The waist is a terrible thing to mind.
“If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?”
Rebel PRIDE!
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
When rapture comes. I’ll move in with your family.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
Don’t drink and drive… You might hit a bump and spill your drink!
FREE TIBET! — with weapons technology purchase
“My life may be weird, but at least it’s not boring!”
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American! 
Wars are not fought to decide who is right.. Only who is left.
“Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.”
Always be sincere. Even when you don’t mean it!
Your village just called. They’re missing an idiot.
“Another Deadline, Another Miracle!”
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils: people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing. 
My way is the highway — God
Really want to eat my bumper for dessert?… My brakes will help you!
Allow me to introduce my selves.
“If you think life is bad, wait ’til you get to Hell!”
“If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?”
Jesus loves you… Everyone else hates your guts!
“If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.”
The Christian Right is NEITHER
I’m talking to myself – please don’t eavesdrop!
No thanks. I gave at the orifice.
What part of Thou Shalt Not… didn’t you understand?– God
There are not enough hours in the day for all the bitching I need to do.
“If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?”
Smoking is like sex– It should always be between consenting adults in private
“If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.”
“Incontinence Hotline… Can you hold, please?”
Life would be easier if I had the source code. 
“The ways are many… The Light is one! (with graphics of Yin/Yang, Kokopelli, Ankh, Pentacle, Cross, Star of David, Muslim Star/Crescent, Sikhism, and Buddha)”
Vegetables aren’t food. Vegetables are what food eats.
Be ye fishers of men: You catch them. He’ll clean them.
I’ve Got Nothing Against God… It’s His Fan Club I Can’t Stand
“Everyone’s got to believe in something, I believe I’ll have another drink”
Don’t laugh! I just bought this car for my wife. Best deal I ever made!
Dumbass!
“On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.”
Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods.
0 to bitch in 3.6 seconds.
Normal people worry me
Money can’t buy friends but it can buy a better class of enemy.
“Reality bites, and I have the teeth marks to prove it!”
He who hesitates pisses off everyone behind him.
Do Not Underestimate the Power of the Chocolate Side of the Force! 
XXXXXX the censors!
I’m from Texas. What country are you from?
“Dyslexics of the world, untie! “
“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”
It’s men like you that make women gay.
Oh you’re a feminist…Isn’t that precious.
The Moral Majority is neither. 
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Agnus Deae 
“If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.”
Wizard Wagon – Tailgaters will be toad!
ANKH if you Love Horus. 
Easier said than sung in Russian.
“Life, the choice of the next generation”
Can’t stop now. On my way to hell.
“Ossifer, I swear to drunk I’m not God!”
My convictions are not for public display.
I can’t go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
The truth is out there. Trust no one. Deny everything.
Just say NO to negativity. 
You eat three times a day; why can’t you pray five times?
My car does all the driving. I just sit in here.
Different drummer? I’m my own band!
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film. 
The religious right is neither.
I saw Elvis making crop circles
Have a crappy day
“Which is the odd one out- Texas, Alabama, Arkanas, Tolerance?”
Real women drive trucks.
“If you are what you eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.”
Poo-Poo happens.
Forgive them Mother for they know not what they do. 
Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.
A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose.
Your honor student never gets laid!
Always proofread. You might have something out.
Born Again Voodooist
“I came, I Saw, I did some shopping.”
I don’t have a problem with willpower.
The computer revolution is over – the computers won!
“Love is not FINDING the right person, it’s BEING the right person”
Fish still swim and Jesus still lives
“Power on, Magic on, All systems are go, We have lift out! “
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
Beam me back Merlin.
“Don’t cross your fingers, fold your hands.”
“If you can read this, I’ve lost my boat.”
Are you sure this isn’t just a live-action roleplaying game?
The Virgin Mary Was An Unwed Teenage Mother
“If you do not feel close to God, Guess who moved? “
I can hold my own. But I’d rather hold yours!
Pagan and Proud!
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
“If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?”
Bombing for peace is like screwing for virginity
I think therefore I’m dangerous
“Once you pull the pin from Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend.”
I spade my dog!
“If only closed minds, came with closed mouths.”
“COMPASSION? Try it, you’ll like it!”
Honk If you want to see my finger. 
Seven out of ten voices in my head say Call in sick
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
“Censorship? We don’t have any censorship. If we did, I couldn’t say XXXX or XXXX..”
The truth is too big to fit in any religion
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. 
You’re pro-life? That’s fine. Now get one and stay out of mine! 
I died and went to heaven and all I got was this lousy Halo.
“In my next life, I want more memory installed!”
Actions Speak Louder than Bumperstickers.
Evolve D**M it!
Read the Bible — It will scare the hell out of you.
Is it too late to get the Russians to nuke Washington? 
“We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and lack of transgression for integrity!”
I’m helping my Church grow. 
I’m schizophrenic and so am I. 
Assassins do it from behind!
Cloggers do it flat-footed!
“You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.”
Commit random acts of kindness and create senseless beauty!
“Where there’s a Witch, there’s a Way.”
I’m not lost-Just getting my directions from the Bible!
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
We love them both! Choose Life
Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
“Real men keep promises, I do”
“If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!”
Drive with care. You are on Indian land. (with North America graphic)
That which does not kill me pisses me off.
Vote Democrat — it’s easier than working!
I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
I’d rather be driving a golf ball
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
THIMK [please note; this is not a typo; the sticker really is spelled with an M.]
I have a problem with drinking—two hands and only one mouth.
You’re just jealous because the Voices only talk to ME.
Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
“Stand aside, plebians! I am on Imperial business!”
“I tried self-restraint, once, but I couldn’t close the fourth handcuff.”
Whatever …
Is it time for your medication or mine? 
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
“If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.”
Religions are cults with more members.
“Jesus is coming, Look Busy!”
God created Whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
Been there. Done that. Went back for more.
Wanna get laid? Just crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait!
You don’t believe in Jesus? You will on Judgment Day.
“If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it WRONG!”
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. 
“I think, therefore I’m single.”
Only BIG BABIES are pro-choice!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
“BAST & SEKHMET, The sign of the cat. “
First they burn books then they burn people
You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
Caution – Driver Legally Blonde
Don’t spank me with your Bible belt.
“If it isn’t fattening, it isn’t food! “
Gravity: It’s not just a good idea. It’s the law. 
“I fish, therefore I lie.”
Motherhood is a proud profession
“If God always was and always will be, why weren’t we born 100 years ago?”
Science is my god.
Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.
“If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.”
Weird Enough for Government Work
“I’ve run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead.”
“Lord, please protect me from your followers.”
“Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Don’t pray in my school and I won’t think in your church
I may be slow but I’m ahead of you!
“It never fails! You start having fun, and they send in the lawyers.”
“Of course I don’t look busy, I did it right the first time.”
Ignore your rights and they’ll go away
Don’t be stupid. We have politicians for that!
Neutrinos have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic!
Smile and the world audits your taxes.
Information Superhighway Official Roadkill!
“51% angel, 49% bitch and 10% mathematician!”
I am the English Teacher about whom your mother warned you. 
I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 
The media are only as liberal as the conservative businesses that own them
I speed for school zones.
“And on the 8th day, God sobered up!”
Buddha on Board.
The road to hell is paved with Democrats
“Be nice to me, or I just might develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo!”
Ask Me About My Previous Lives.
Who needs drugs? I go broke buying books!
Jesus is returning… resistance is futile 
Honk if You Don’t Exist
“Just when you think you’ve won the Rat Race, along come faster Rats.”
A synonym is a word you use if you can’t spell the other one.
It’s been Monday all week.
God was downsized… we’re on our own!
I’m the one Jesus warned you about. — Muhammad.
Why do I have to get married? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Let’s skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking! 
Stalker. Makes frequent stops.
If you can’t tie good knots… tie many.
Save the humans!
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
Disco still sucks!
Diversity is the spice of life.
“If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.”
Quit Picking On Me!
I brake for… wait… AAAH!… NO BRAKES!!!
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance. 
A little honey is good for your health. Pick me up at 8:00?
The only trouble with Baptists is they don’t hold them under long enough.
I don’t do drugs anymore. I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
“If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?”
A woman and her truck… It’s a great thing.
Man’s way leads to a hopeless end — God’s way leads to an endless hope.
“If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.”
My Lawyer can beat your Lawyer!
Quiet! Genius at work.
Ordain women or stop baptizing them.
Only One Way To Heaven. Crash Through The Gates Gas Pedal To The Floor.
Save a cow. Eat a vegetarian.
Sometimes I think people are the sperm of the devil.
I read the end of the book. We win
Thank God Mary and Joseph weren’t pro choice!
why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Girls Rule!
Welcome to Eternity…Smoking or non smoking ?
Before… I knew better!
Stamp out crime — abolish the IRS.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
“Doctor’s try, Jesus saves!”
“I’m not speeding, I’m qualifying. “
I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
Had a rough week? We’re open on Sundays.
Gamers love a challenge – Particularly if there’s pizza!
Proud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy
“A Real Friend isn’t someone that you use once and throw away, a Real Friend is someone that you can use again and again!”
Keep Off my Tail! (Picture of Dragon)
Grow your own dope! Plant a politician!
“If you can’t read this, thank the teacher’s union. “
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
Did you forget God? Or was I supposed to pick him up! 
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.
Satan for President – Why pick the lesser of two Evils?
A sense of humour is the difference between ambition and achievement.
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
Love is blind. And when you get married you get your eyesight back.
Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
“I’m not suffering from insanity, I’m enjoying every minute of it!”
“God was my co-pilot ..but we crashed in the Andes, and I had to eat him. “
“Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch!”
“Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”
“God spoke, and BANG! It happened!”
Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister. 
“The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. “
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
The best sermon…is a good example
I Give Evolution Two Opposeable Thumbs Up.
MY GOD’S NOT DEAD. SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOURS
“If you can read this, there’s someone in front of me.”
I have a perfect body. It’s your vision that’s defective. 
“To a Cat, People are just Furniture that does Tricks”
Equal Rights Are Not Special Rights.
“Once you pull the pin from Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend. “
Where’s The Messiah When You Need HER?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
“As a matter of fact, I DID sleep in these clothes. “
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
Clones are people two.
COLE’S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Pagans make better lovers.
Computers are like the Old Testament God. Lots of rules and no mercy.
“If you don’t like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.”
“Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!”
Stop reading this bumper sticker and watch the road!!! 
The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny
Get a taste of Religion. Bite a Minister
“Some days, it’s just not worth gnawing through the straps”
“He who dies with the most toys, wins!”
“Nuke a godless, communist, gay baby seal for Christ.”
“If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?”
The Earth Is Full – Go Home
“Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.”
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? 
My gamer fragged your honor student. 
My life goal is to piss off brahma so much that I wont need another life goal!
Love Heals
Honk if you see something fall off.
This is Not an abandoned vehicle.
“I’m pink, therefore I’m SPAM. “
Proud parent of the inmate of the month at the Chino corectional facilities.
“In space, your cat can’t hear you open the can”
Definition of a prostitute: Receiver of swollen goods.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Stop animal experimentation. Use lawyers.
“In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned.”
Not all of us are sheep.
Earth first! (We’ll rob the other planets later).
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Police Station Toilet Stolen… Cops have nothing to go on.
“God, make the bad people good and the good people nice.”
Joan of Arc heard voices too!
I have a drink problem – I can’t afford it.
JESUS SAVES… He Passes It To Gretzky… Gretzky Shoots… He Scores!
I am perfectly sane. The little voices in my head told me so!
Don’t pray in my school and I won’t think in your church.
Techno-Pagan. I worship the holy Mother Board.
“I have PMS and a gun…excuse me, did you have something to say?”
Cabtender I’m fitshased call me a bar to take me drunk I’m home.
Presidents should be planned and wanted. ABORT CLINTON!
Head sucks – really it does!
Barbie SUCKS! (And Ken loves it)
Careful… Former Fetus Driving
Go fascinate someone Else.
I Have PMS And A Sword–Any Questions?
“Back off, I just found out that I’m God and I’m pissed.”
Was today really necessary?
“If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?”
“I live in my own little world, but that’s okay. Everybody knows me here.”
“I’m a bomb technician, if you see me running, try to keep up.”
Thank God for the IRS. Without them I’d be stinking rich!
“I can’t wait for the rapture, then we’ll have the world to ourselves. “
It sucks to be a man in a lesbians body.
Where did Cain’s wife come from?
“Jesus died to take away your sins, not your mind.”
“If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now!”
Real feminists don’t kill baby feminists
Let him who is without aim cast the first stone.
“Prayer, Just Do It!”
Atheism is myth-understood.
“To a Cat, People are just Furniture that does Tricks.”
Save the ugly animals too!
I [heart with pentacle] GODDESS
“Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash.”
What’s the ultimate in rejection? When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
“Live fast, die young. Leave a good looking corpse.”
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Dogs come when called. *I* need more DIRECT stimulation!
Seek God in good times… not just in bad times.
My God’s Is Always Horny 
“The four essential elements: Means, Motive, Opportunity and Chocolate!”
Don’t wait for six strong men to take you to church.
Enlightenment is like a really good cheesecake but different.
Organized Religion gave us the Dark Ages!
Nine out of ten men who have tried camels prefer women.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Remember Lot’s wife
An erection does not constitute personal growth.
“Live like James Bond, die like James Dean.”
Inflation is when the buck doesn’t stop anywhere. 
“A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of java and a good book. Ah paradise!”
“I’ll do anything for money, except work.”
Politicians prefer unarmed peasants.
“Stop abortion, vote pro-life “
CAUTION! – I brake for tailgaters
“In America, anyone can be president. That’s one of the risks you take. “
Denial is not a river in egypt!
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 
“Under Republicans, man exploits man. Under Democrats, it’s exactly the opposite!”
Israel is the land of milk and honey. Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
“I know milk does a body good, but damn, how much did you drink?”
Smoking Cures Ham
I’m a nice guy. My car is evil.
How many pinheads can dance on the head of a Hell’s Angel?
Don’t wash this vehicle – Undergoing scientific dirt test.
“Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you’re an @$$hole”
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. 
I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy. 
“Men are not pigs. Pigs are sweet, intelligent, sensitive, clean animals.”
Jack is Lord 
“Always remember: Pillage first, THEN burn!”
“Give the anarchists an inch, and the next thing you know, they want to be in charge!”
Sex is like rain. It all depends on how many inches you get.
I’d rather be fishing
LAWYER: A cat settling a dispute between 2 mice.
Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.
“It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. “
Cats make great pets — out of their owners
“Prevent truth decay, read the Bible!”
Illiterate? Write For Help
“Hello, officer. Put it on my tab.”
“Not your child, Not your choice!”
What we really need is a moment of SCIENCE in the public schools!
“If I could get a firm grip on reality, I’d choke it! “
Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
A man is not truly drunk until he can’t lie on the floor without holding on.
Sona si Latine loqueris! [translation: Honk if you speak Latin!]
Had a life. Traded it for a faster modem
Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee
“If you think Our Father In Heaven is angry, wait ’till MOM finds out! “
“Those who can, Teach. Those who cannot teach ARE RUNNING THE SCHOOLS! “
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS 
Charter Member: International Xenophobe Society.
Yes this is my truck. No I wont help you move.
Lead me not into temptation. I know my own way.
“When Jesus ascended into heaven, who got custody of the Halo?”
I Swerve to Hit People at Random!
You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
“Support wildlife, throw a party!”
More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
W.A.S.P. White Anglo Saxon Pagan!
Dancers do it with rhythm.
“Fishermen don’t die, they just smell that way. “
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law’s face on the back of a milk carton.
I’d kick your ass but this is my best dress.
Thank God I’m an atheist. 
“I’m not saying you’re a monkey, but take this banana and scram. “
Be Your Own GODDESS
Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
All ya gotta do is just gimme that wink.
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
I’d rather be hunting
“Don’t Abort, Adopt!”
“If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.”
Do autoparanoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?
Marilize legajuana.
Ask me about my vow of silence
Dancers do it to music.
Evil on board.
“A flight attendant is to save your ass, not to kiss it!”
“Open your heart, Jesus wants in.”
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT. 
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. 
Jesus Loves You… But I’m His Favorite. 
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister!
Take back the Night.
I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about the other 95%? 
Does the universe lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
“I’m supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse? “
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 
Need directions? — God
This vehicle leased to: American Association for the Abolition of Acronym Abuse Regional Group Headquarters Staff Transport Office Pool (AAAAARGH/STOP)
I suffer from premature-ejaculation when masturbating!
“An angry Dragon may eat you, but an angry Woman is truly dangerous”
Annoy a liberal. Work hard and smile.
Safe sex is in the palm of your hand
And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be? 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
“If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong”
A black hole will see you through Monday.
I found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all the time.
Women can be saints. Why not priests?
“Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger please.”
Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
Heredity is the thing a child gets from the other side of the family.
I am not a bum. My wife works!
Save Your Breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date!
Money isn’t everything. It simply isn’t enough!
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
“Some days, it’s just not worth crawling out of the primordial ooze.”
“The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.”
What the HERE Are You Looking At?
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive. 
Ignore your rights and they’ll go away!
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 
Save a horse…ride a cowboy
Let’s let the anti-gun people fight the next war.
“When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.”
“I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.”
I want to be Barbie! The bitch has everything!
“I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.”
Grandchildren are spoiled because you can’t spank the Grandma!
“If money could talk, it would say goodbye!”
Do not adjust your mind: it is reality that is malfunctioning!
At last! I finally found the perfect man!
Vote Republican – it’s easier than thinking! 
Odin’s Child!
Abortion: A woman’s right to capitulate to the patriarchal establishment.
When I am right nobody remembers. When I am wrong nobody forgets!
“Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam.”
Closet Extrovert.
Guys have feelings too? Who cares… 
A real gentleman wouldn’t stare at my stickers.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
You have to be really secure to be seen in a car like this.
“My ship finally came in, but it was the Kobayashi Maru!”
National Atheist’s Day April 1 
Visualize Whirled Peas!
I R S: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got. 
“Kids in the back seat cause accidents, Accidents in the back seat cause kids.”
“I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it”
Shit happens!
Bosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass!
Remember when sex was safe and motorcycles were not!
Peace be upon your Savior.
I respect your opinion. Just don’t want to hear it!
Never trust a government that doesn’t trust YOU! 
“If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy!”
That Love Thy Neighbor thing… I meant it.– God
Obsession is the word lazy people give to those of us who are motivated.
Montana – At least our cows are sane!
Hit’em All! Let EMT’s sort’em out.
“Without ME, it’s just AWESO. “
“Vegetarian, Indian for poor hunter.”
JESUS CHRIST. He loves the hell out of you!
I am driving this way because I want to PISS YOU OFF!
My child serves honor rolls at Baker College. 
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
Cracker Jacks must be in the license business again.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
“With enough thrust, lift is irrelevant.”
“Libertarian, it’s cheaper than TAXES.”
“Keep honking, I’m reloading.”
“If, a two letter word for futility.”
“Read the book I gave you, there will be a test — God”
“Baby, I’m your’s!”
Aren’t you glad your mother was Pro-Life? 
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Welcome to Kentucky – Set your watch back 20 years.
“Save the Baby Humans, Stop Abortion”
I wasn’t created in YOUR image of God
Where was the INS in 1492 when we REALLY needed them? (with graphic of Sitting Bull)
“All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.”
“If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.”
Which is Worse? Screwing an intern or screwing the country.
“Where there’s a whip, there’s a way”
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy!
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
“Do Not Meddle in the Affairs of Dragons, for You are Crunchy and Good with Ketchup.”
Ignore the propaganda. Focus on what you see.
“If you can read this, you’re not the president. “
Remember half the people you know are below average.
4-given
[pentagram] Give me that REAL Old-Time Religion!
I’m looking for true love. But I’ll settle for cheap sex.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Forget Love – I want to fall in Chocolate
“I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.”
“If there is a tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?”
“If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother. “
Love thine enemies… It really pisses them off.
They’re not hot flashes…they’re POWER SURGES! 
Be prepared. The meek are coming.
Jesus is not a Republican.
DEATH to all fanatics!
Humpty Dumpty didn’t fall…he was pushed.
Common sense isn’t very common.
Avoid alliterations always. 
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Have i found Jesus? don’t tell me he is lost again!
“Fight crime, shoot back!”
Karl Marx was wrong! Religion is the opium of the ASSES!
“Where Goddess Goes, Magic Grows.”
Behind every successful woman is herself.
No job too easy – No fee too large – Dragons Rescued – Virgins Slain
She changes everything she touches!
God forgives… I don’t.
Don’t blame me- I’m just visiting this planet!
“Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch”
The male sex drive prevents extinction. The female sex drive prevents overpopulation.
“A chill in the air, a cat on the lap, a mug of chocolate, and a good book. Ah, Paradise! “
“And, whose cruel idea was it for the word Lisp to have a S in it?”
if God be for us who can be against us
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than going swimming makes you a fish
“Adam was a divorce’, First Lilith Then Eve. “
Let Go and Let God in!
Time is Nature’s way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
Meeting – an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
And I believe my book is true… I guess we’re even.
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about?
Not Another SON of a BUSH in the White House
“We’ve got ENOUGH Youth, what we NEED is a Fountain of SMART!”
“No coffee, no peace. Know coffee, know peace.”
BAN BUMPER STICKERS!
It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish. — Mother Teresa
“When Jesus took a shower, did He walk up the spray from the shower nozzle?”
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be 
Be reasonable. DO IT MY WAY!
A politician should do two terms – one in office and one in jail
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
“51% Angel, 49% Bitch. Don’t push it!”
Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
“God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts!”
Earth first! (We’ll strip mine the other planets later).
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. DON’T DRINK AND DERIVE!
My wife’s other car is a broom.
Old truckers never die. They just get a new Peterbilt.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. 
“When you’re in love, you’re at the mercy of a stranger.”
Witch Wagon – Tailgaters will be Toad!
God is dead — Nietzche … Nietzche is dead. — God.
Your honor student sells bumper stickers!
“In case of rapture, can I have your car? “
“If you’re happy and you know it, see a shrink.”
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 
“The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.”
God is Coming AND IS SHE EVER PISSED! 
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Stupidity should be Painful!
“Give Blood, Play Hockey!”
Being over the hill is much better than being under it!
The Face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my Name.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 
“So many men, so few who can afford me!”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list. 
“Above all else, sky. “
“If it wasn’t for plumbers, you’d have no place to go.”
My other car is a Zamboni.
In the Dark? Follow the SON. 
“Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.”
“You found God? If nobody claims him in 30 days, he’s yours! “
My Governor can beat up your Governor.
Cats don’t want to own people. They prefer to lease with an option. 
[Pegacorn] Some things must be believed before they can be seen
“Microsoft™: If you can’t beat them, buy them. Apple™: If you can’t beat them, sue them. IBM™: If you can’t beat them, ignore them.”
NOT A MORNING PERSON DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT!
“My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.”
Next mood swing: 6 minutes. Keep safe distance
I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I never saw an American Flag burned at a gun show!
Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music.
Modified Rapture?
System analysis is the process of finding exactly the right wrench to pound in the required screw
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon!”
“Get a second opinion, read Al-Quran.”
“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The opposite of progress is Congress.
Save California! When you leave take someone with you.
Bomb Texas. They have oil!
Get in – buckle up – shut up – and hold on!
The New Right is fundamentally wrong
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
“I brake for unicorns, fairies and other creatures only I can see! “
Is there life before coffee?
“What do you mean we can’t shoot them, its tourist season isn’t it?”
WWJD — Why Won’t Jesus Drive?
Friends don’t let friends drive imports.
I’ll go to YOUR hell if you go to mine ;}
“God makes miracles, but He doesn’t clean cars.”
Jesus Saves by shopping wisely and using double coupons
Eve Was Framed. 
Pierced and Tattooed in Places You’d Love To Lick!
I love cats. Want to trade recipes?
Stop! Partial Birth Abortions
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep. 
Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I’ll have another cup of coffee!
Friend don’t let friends die without Jesus!
Keep honking while I reload. 
“A good girl is Good, but I’m even Better!”
Sudden prayers make God jump.
“A zealot’s stones will break my bones, but gods will never hurt me.”
“Don’t laugh, she swallows.”
SACRED COWS MAKE DIVINE HAMBURGER
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
My kid and your taxes go to Starfleet Academy
“Some push the envelope, some just lick it, and some can’t find the flap!”
My other car is a beater!
Testing drugs on computers just makes them safe for computers.
Hot Enough For You?
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
User Surly
Freedom is the distance between Church and State.
Sure you can have my gun: Bullets first!
“All men are Animals! But if you can train them, they make good pets.”
Cover me! I’m changing lanes. 
Don’t Vote? Don’t Bitch!
“When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.”
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
Dysfunctional family on board.
This isn’t a life it’s a forced March!
“Next year, why not vacation in the millions of worlds of a used book store? “
I’m the man of this house and I have my wife’s permission to say so.
Gun control is being able to hit your target.
“Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.”
The fact that no-one understands you does NOT make you an artist
“This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.”
“Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!”
“In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.”
Vegetarians taste better!
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist. 
“Welcome to South Carolina, Yankee. NOW GET THE HELL OUT!”
Will build thermonuclear devices for food
Heart is beating 24 days after conception
“If we quit voting, will they all go away?”
My boss is a Jewish Carpenter.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.
I’m going compostal for the environment. 
Half of all patients who enter abortion clinics don’t come out alive
“It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.”
“If you want world peace, fight for justice.”
Save the Dolphins. What did the cows do wrong?
God isn’t with you? Who moved??
“She’s a child, not a choice “
“Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?”
“I’m a handy man, I’ll screw anything.”
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
Thank God I’m an atheist.
If Democrats and Republicans could read they would be Libertarians.
I believe in the teachings of the Bible — It’s a lot easier than actually reading the thing.
Amateur Rocket Scientist: My other vehicle is in orbit.
“Great Goddess Great Horned God, Moon’s Wink And Magic’s Nod!”
Don’t mess with Texas
“Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges!”
On fire for God!(Anybody got some water?!)
If God is your piolt why are you driving?
It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
Don’t laugh! It’s paid for!
“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. –S. Holmes”
I am a mallaholic. Please do not give me directions to the nearest shopping mall!
Honk if you’re not wearing underwear!
“Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!”
“If you can’t trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with a child? “
My kid sold your honor student all of the answers to the tests!
“They couldn’t repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.”
“It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.”
ATLANTIS RISING!
90% of people are made by accident.
“The more I learn about terrorism, the better I understand the phone company”
Life’s a beach – and we’re just surfing time!
“Lord, I wish to find you, but spare me from those who have!”
Help wanted: Telepath … you know where to apply.
“Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?”
Jesus saves; Buddha recycles.
“If it isn’t broken, fix it until it is.”
Protected by Angels!
“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’, till you can find a rock.”
“Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.”
So many pedestrians. So little time!
“In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.”
God’s glory or bust!
“Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot!”
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.”
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt. 
All I need is some peace and quiet. If I got a piece I’d be quiet!
I’m disturbed. I’m depressed. I’m inadequate. I’ve got it all!
“I found God in myself, and I loved her, I loved her fiercly.”
Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
My dog can lick anyone.
For God so loved the world He didn’t send a committee.
How many roads must a man go down before he’ll admit that he’s lost?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
“If Sex is like Chocolate, let gets drunk and make Cocoa!”
Had a life. Traded it for broadband.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I found Jesus. He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 
Reality is for people with no imagination 
Instant idiot. Just add alcohol.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Drive it like you stole it!
Arsenic is natural. Hemlock is organic.
This truck has been in 15 accidents… and hasn’t lost one yet!
He who hesitates is probably right.
It’s worse than you think and they ARE out to get you!
“As a matter of fact, I do own the road.”
Goddess is alive and magic is about! 
Sex is a killer. Want to die happy?
“If at first you don’t succeed, aim lower.”
“Ferrets are better than television. Ferrets won’t try to sell you useless junk, they never use a laugh track, they won’t insult your intelligence, they have no remote to lose, they’re portable without using batteries, they’re never loud, and you can enjoy them without having to develop a short attention span!”
Take a friend to Heaven!
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
“Silly Fundie, myths are for kids.”
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Practice Safe Housing – Use Condos
“Any God is good, When possitive!”
My other car is also a piece of junk
This is your brain (Pentacle) This is your brain on drugs (Inverted Pentacle) 
God protect me from YOUR followers.
Apathy: I could take it or leave it. 
Death Before Dishonor Nothing Before Coffee
“Frankly, Scallop, I don’t give a clam. “
Jesus just left the building!
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Need help? — God
Druids do it in Stone Circles 
“Are you going to cum quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”
“Only lawyers get to be judges, and that’s the (F)LAW!”
Amateur Rocket Scientist My other vehicle is in orbit
Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency. 
Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of alcohol.
STOP – Squeal tires on pavement.
Love is a 4-letter word.
I’m going nuck’in futz.
“A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.”
Rest assured that all your hard work and effort will go unnoticed.
Honk if anything falls off.
“I know that you have a thing for me, but why is it so small and deformed? “
I gave you a brain. Use it.– God
“I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ve made enough mistakes today”
“Dogs have owners, cats have staff. Ferrets have playmates!”
A woman with a big fat ass should dump him
What did God do on the eighth day? Go bowling?
Born to Shop!
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician!
Seven days without prayer makes one weak!
It’s hard to stumble when you’re on your knees.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog!
What would an adult do in this situation?
Witch’s Parking ONLY! All Others Will Be TOAD!
CAUTION! – Driver just doesn’t give a shit anymore!
[bear with rifle] Support the right to keep and arm bears! 
“Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I am a Rocket Scientist!”
Sado-masochism means not having to say you’re sorry.
“Drunk,redkneck and dangerous.”
“If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.”
Keep honking – I’m deaf!
“So many men, so little reason to sleep with any of them!”
Romance is like a game of chess: one false move and you’re mated.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
“Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself.”
I don’t want to believe; I want to see! — Carl Sagan
“If you can read this, I am heartfully sorry.”
My other vehicle is a broom stick!
Nobody cares how you do it up north.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
“If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex? “
“You found God? If nobody claims him in 30 days, he’s yours!”
Answer my prayer — steal this car.
Say it with flowers! Give her a triffid!
God is here: She’s cooking dinner for Jesus.
Having children is like being pecked to death by ducks.
“I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.”
A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
“Don’t follow me, I’m lost!”
Impeach Clinton. And her husband.
Pray for the success of atheism!
Nonconformists are all alike.
“500,000 battered women and I’m still eating mine plain!”
“Judging by the pictures, Hell looks better than that other place.”
PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals.
In Goddess we trust
“He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.”
“If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I AIN’T GOING!”
“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance!”
“God, Protect Me From Your Followers.”
How long do I have to be a grad student before I can petition for tenure? 
Honk if you love Isis
“Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.”
I’m a giant midget.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. 
I get along with God just fine. It’s his fan clubs that I can’t stand.
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
“Out of Body, be back in five “
How long do I have to be a grad student before I can petition for tenure?
“As a Former Fetus, I Oppose Abortion”
“God isn’t dead, I just talked to Him this morning.”
“When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. “
667 Neighbour of the Beast.
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them! 
Life’s a beach – and we’re just surfing time 
“If you pray, why worry?”
The best way to get on your feet is to get off your ass!
“If you are psychic, think HONK”
Men. Give them an inch and they think they’re a ruler.
Free Speech keeps Rush on the air. Free Thought keeps me from believing him.
Pray is a four letter word you can use anywhere except in public schools!
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour. 
Jesus has a mullet!
Tolkien is Hobbit-forming.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers…
My other ride is your girlfriend.
“Question Authority – Don’t ask why, just DO IT!”
“If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again”
My kid can beat up your honor student!
Shin – Device for finding furniture in the dark
Avenge Yourself – Be a problem to your children.
“If you’re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes”
“Give a man a fish, and he will eat for one day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer every day!”
It’s an Honor to teach my Student at home
“The closer you get, the slower I go.”
Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible! 
Support the Math Illiteracy Tax – Buy Lottery Tickets
Remember when conservatives protected privacy and freedom?
Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
Let’s get drunk and wreck.
National Sarcasm Society. 
Hell’s too hot; Heaven’s full of religious people. That’s supposed to be a choice?
Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
“A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you flash me.”
So you’re kids no honor student. Society needs laborers. 
Friends don’t let friends eat pork.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
“Go on, I’ll see you at the next traffic light.”
A friend in need is a pain in the ass!
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Jezebel was a feminist! No wonder she got such a bad rap.
Interbeing- not just for bodhisattvas anymore.
“Anarchy, No rules – OK?”
“A day without sunshine is, like, night.”
Vote Republican. It’s much easier than thinking.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
I’d rather be CONTRADANCING
“Go ahead, Honk! If I can hear you, you’re in range.”
Judgement Day Happens.
White Witch!
Honk If You Want To See My Finger.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
I am suffering from a Sexually Transmitted Disease: Children!
God gave man 2 heads and only enough blood to use one.
I can resist anything but temptation
Flush Rush!
Never give the devil a ride — He will always want to drive.
Adoption not Abortion
I married my wife for her looks… But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
“If the kid is an honor student, he must not really be yours.”
Churches should stay out of politics or be taxed.
Mom’s Travel Agency — Ask about our guilt trips.
“Club soda, not seals.”
Beam Me Up Scotty! There’s No Intelligent Life Down Here.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; never got around to it.
“I said no to drugs, but they didn’t listen.”
BIA Betraying Indian Assets since 1824
“Pee for enjoyment, not for employment.”
Don’t Be Sexist. Broads Hate That!
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying No Hard Feelings.
Hemp Hemp Hooray
Hire the Handicapped… Were fun to watch!
You – Off my planet. 
“If you’re rich, I’m single!”
“WARNING: The Attorney General has determined that Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms can be dangerous to your health, and get away with it!”
Only God is in a position to look down on people.
“More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!”
Merry Christ Myth!
I never thought I’d miss Nixon. 
This is my other car!
“Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you’re a jerk.”
Ted Kennedy’s car has killed more people than my gun. 
“I fight poverty, I work”
Support D.A.M. Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Nonconformists of the world unite!
Getting a free kitten proves that you don’t need money to get love.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
“I’m Black, Proud, and Pro-Life”
The Lord forgives; why don’t you ?
“Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to your level and beat you with experience.”
“Allah gives and forgives, Man gets and forgets.”
“Usenet Cheaper than drugs, just as addictive, but you have to know how to read! “
“Life’s a beach, and then you drown.”
Skydiving — good to the last drop.
My other vehicle is a broom!
Could Jesus change a water closet into a wine cellar?
Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
“Nobody gets out alive, anyway”
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Jesus is coming… are you ready to meet him?
REAL SCOTSMEN WEAR KILTS because sheep can hear a zipper at 500 yards!
Witch: My other vehicle is a broom stick.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
“If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.”
“God is alive and well,and working on a less ambitious project! “
“Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom? “
Are you as close to Jesus as you are to my bumper?
All extremists should be shot.
“Experience, the name given by men to their mistakes.”
“Keep granny off the streets, support bingo.”
I’ve given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
Your body would look good in my trunk. 
Under Protection of the Goddess
Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
“If God had not meant us to write on walls, he would never have given us an example.”
They told me I was gullible… and I believe them.
“Some call it stalking, I call it love.”
The good old days: When sex was dirty and Michael Jackson was black.
|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.
“Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You!”
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Jesus saves. I don’t.
“Just when you think lifes a bitch, it has puppies.”
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
My Hockey Mom can beat up your Soccer Mom!
A man is as old as the woman he feels.
Honk if you understand Punctuated Equilibrium.
Religious freedom is measured by the distance between Church and State.
“Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.”
There’s no place like 127.0.0.1
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
Darwin Loves You.
Procrastinate Later!
You Go Yahweh – and I’ll go Mine! You have every right to hear my opinion.
Wage Peace! 
“I doubt, therefore I might be. “
I’m only driving this because aliens ate my Volvo
Always put the important before the merely urgent. 
“Militant Agnostic. I don’t know, and you don’t either!”
“I love my country, but I fear my government”
What happens when none of your bees wax?
I’m not really a bitch. I’ve just had PMS for 30 years.
I Brake For Celestial Choirs
“We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.”
“Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you’re squinting to read it.”
Computers help us to do stupid things faster!
BEER: Helping the ugly get laid since… FOREVER!
Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home. 
“If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.”
Caution! Messiah on Board!
My dog is really a tiny dragon.
“Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around. “
That is so five minutes ago!!
We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You will be Assimilated. 
“Naturians, Nerture Nature!”
“I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense!”
September 12: Sell your SUV day!
There’s one in every crowd and they always find me.
Born right the first time.
I’m not driving fast – Just flying low.
Bin Laden hates Rock’n Roll.
Keep honking while I reload.
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.
“When there’s a will, I want to be in it!”
“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
F**K the Poor!
Could Jesus change the Whitewater Scandal into the White Wine Scandal?
Adjure obfuscation. 
Friends let you hide at their place. Real friends let you hide bodies.
Conserve water. Shower with a friend.
Cowgirls like to ride bareback.
“If you were made in God’s image, how did you get to be so ugly?”
Life’s too short to dance with ugly women.
What would Ashton do? 
“If Jesus restored the power of speech to a parrot, would it still be considered a miracle?”
“If you don’t like the way I’m driving, You come and get these handcuffs off!”
The trouble with life is there’s no background music. 
If god created man in his image. Then whats wrong with you?
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Horn broken – Watch for finger
My husband said he’d leave me if I didn’t stop reading mysteries all the time… Why didn’t I start sooner?
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I don’t discriminate. I hate everyone equally.
Untie Dexlysics!
Bad Cop!! No Donut!
Just be happy I’m not a twin. 
“Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!”
If you can read this I’m not going fast enough.
“One by one, the penguins slowly steal my sanity.”
Is that how they drive on your planet?
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
“And on the 8th day, God went fishing!”
Infertility is inconceivable.
“Is what you’re living for, worth dying for?”
My Goddess Is Your God’s Mother!
Professionals are predictable. Amateurs are Dangerous!
My kid saved your honor student — God. 
Why be Normal?
CAUTION! – I brake for hookers
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
Just say NO to sex with pro-lifers.
“Keep working, millions on welfare depend on you.”
Atheists are Beyond Belief 
“If a man’s home is his castle, he can learn to clean it!”
“If this car were a horse, I’d have to shoot it”
Nuke the Whales! We’ll hunt them at night. 
“The lord is my shepherd, but he’s looking for a better job!”
Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the straps
Help! I Farted and can’t roll down my windows!
Every day’s a holiday when you’re pagan! 
The Few. The Browed. The Klingon Marines. 
Bin Laden used Your gass money.
Focus on your own D**M Family!
Warning! I have an attitude and i know how to use it!
“Piercing, schmiercing: I’m holding out for amputation.”
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
“If you think I’m a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.”
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Get a life? I’m a gamer! I have lots of lives!
I’m only half evil. 
“Jesus is the answer, but I forgot the question.”
Do you think you’d drive any better with that phone up your ass?
The Goddess Is Alive And Magick Is Afoot 
My cat dislikes the term PET. It prefers FRIEND AND CONFIDANTE.
God knows all the answers – and He’s not telling!
“GOD-3,000BC; GODDESS-10,000BC; He was made in HER image “
“If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.”
Jesus loves you. But I’m his favorite.
“Come to Florida, and DIE!”
“Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route. “
Witches do it in circles!
Ask Me About My Eternal Torment.
“Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.”
Karmically challenged.
“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.”
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Crap! This is a terrible time for the meds to wear off. 
Driver carries no cash. He’s married.
I wasn’t born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
“My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still. “
Don’t believe everything you think
Under protection of the Goddess.
My karma ran over your dogma!
“God please grant me chastity, but not just yet”
Custer wore an Arrow shirt. 
I’m 33 1/3 RPM in an iPod world. 
I’m an English major: You do the math. 
Abortion Hurts Women 
I’m not as think as you stoned I am.
Jesus was a Liberal!
Old upholsterers never die. They always recover.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups!
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M
Casinos Still Give Better Odds than Churches. 
Feed the Homeless to the Hungry!
Remember September 11 Forever!
Only Jesus saves – we just make back-ups.
“I said for better or for worse, not forever!”
My other ride is your boyfriend.
Christian have more fun… especially later!
Balance the budget. Declare politicians as game and sell hunting stamps.
Adoption the Caring Option
“I used to be religious, then I got saved!”
Remember when this [Christian fish] wasn’t a WARNING LABEL?
I had no idea when I married Mr. Right that his first name would be always
Heaven is at your mother’s feet. (Muslim bumper sticker)
“If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?”
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
“He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.”
“A wise man sometimes changes his mind, a fool never does.”
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
“Be Kind to Animals, Don’t Eat Them.”
Snowmobiles: Natural selection at its finest.
It’s no longer fruitful to multiply.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
Allah Protect Me From Your Followers.
Welcome to Texas; speak English.
What part of No don’t you understand?
Once Upon A Time God Was A Woman! 
All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.
“If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons? “
“If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over… [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]”
“If you’re looking for a sign from God to get back to church, this is it! “
“Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either! “
The meek shall inherit the Earth. The rest of us are going to the stars! 
“The last time religion got involved in politics, they burned people at the stake”
WWGD: What would Groucho Do? 
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Steven King WISHES he wrote something as scarey as the Bible!
Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult.
“I may be fat but you’re ugly, and I can lose weight.”
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
“5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.”
Smoking is like sex– It should always be between consenting adults in private.
I read the Constitution for the articles. 
“For a good time, call a square dance!”
Abolish mornings! 
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
“Welcome to Shit Creek. Sorry, we’re out of paddles.”
Pagan Voter
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull!
I can walk on water… when it freezes 
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.
I have PMS. Therefore I can legally kill you.
Previous owner had an honor student!
Alaskans For Global Warming.
Freedom Of Religion means ANY Religion.
Evolution created anchovies – Man’s ignorance put them on pizza!
Computers aren’t intelligent. They just think they are.
Earth First. (We’ll screw up the other planets later).
Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
I can resist anything but temptation.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Reality is the Anchovy on the Pizza of Life
“An angry dragon may eat you, but an angry woman is truly dangerous.”
“God loves you, he just has an unusual way of showing it. “
“I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, either! “
My feminine side is lesbian. 
If it’s tourist season then why can’t we shoot them?
“Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?”
“When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. “
Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.
Don’t ask me about Scientology.
“If you can read this, you are too close!”
POSTAL! (with graphic of speeding bullet)
“Incontinence Hotline…Can you hold, please?”
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Don’t play stupid with me… I’m better at it!
Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
“Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done.”
My ex gave me a reason to live — I want Revenge!
I’d rather be skiing
Get in touch with Jesus at http://www.calm
“People, Planet, Lifestyle. Pick Two.”
Dog is My Co-Pilot
We need to talk.– God
Life’s too short to dance with ugly men/women. 
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
I found out why those 40 virgins stay virgins. – Mohammed.
Licensed Broom Pilot!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
“I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead. “
“I drive the speed limit. If you don’t like it, call a cop!”
“C:Coffee.exe NOT FOUND <A>bort, <R>etry, <B>rew another pot?”
Support your State Troopers. Drive really Fast.
Procrastinators Unite… Tomorrow!
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu!
The ark saved Noah… the cross saved me!
I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
I hate intolerance.
“When the chips are down, the Buffalo is empty!”
“I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”
Caution! Will brake for tailgaters.
Resistance is futile 
“Get a Past Life, Too”
Beer: Teaching white people to dance since 1867.
God loves you just the way you are. But He loves you too much to leave you that way.
Miskatonic Summer Games – Fastest food in Arkham
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Crus de agnus Deae con quilon menthae Crus de agnus Dei con quilon menthae 
A closed mind doesn’t need drugs. It’s already wasted
“There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t. “
Don’t laugh! Your daughter may be inside!
Morris Dancers do it with bells on!
“When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.”
Question Authority before it Questions You!
Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn’t exist.
ALPHA FEMALE
Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Don’t honk! I’m pushing as hard as I can.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
Chicken Little was Right!
“Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.”
“If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.”
Pro-Free Speech. Pro-Gun. Pro-Choice. PRO-FREEDOM! 
CAUTION! – Driver legally blonde!
Unborn babies are people too
You! Out of the Gene Pool!
Don’t moan- Moses 3:3
“Jesus is my shepherd, Toto is my poodle.”
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
“Sorry my car’s a piece of crap, my parents didn’t buy it for me.”
Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.
Honk if you love me.
“Know God, know life…no God, no life”
“Body By Nautilus, Brain By Mattel!”
Abortion is FOREVER — get the facts first.
“100,000 sperm and You were the fastest?”
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to read?
“I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. “
“Be nice to me, or I just might develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo! “
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
[fish with legs] You keep believing… we’ll keep evolving!
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
We do precision guesswork.
“I’ve seen her wrestle, now I’m gonna see her box.”
“Dolphins: Don’t trust a species that’s always smiling, its up to something!”
I’ve found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.
I Think Therefore I Vote Republican
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
Smuck Fog!
“Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered. “
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Belief is no substitute for knowledge
A parking lot is not the place to think outside the box!
Caution! Former fetus driving!
“Jesus loves you, just not in that way.”
Pavlov: Name ring a bell?
“That’s irrelevant, and irrelevant never forgets. “
Honk if you’ve never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle. 
Never trust a religion that calls its members ‘sheep’.
“If this truck was a horse, I’d have to shoot it.”
My girlfriend only has one breast so I got her a part-time job at Hooters.
“KPLA All Klingon, all the time”
“Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”
“Entropy was just a concept, until I got a cat!”
Save trees. Wipe with an owl.
“Your child may be an honors student, but You’re a moron.”
“If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.”
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him or her.
“Save a human, eat a cannibal”
I is a college student.
Square dancers do it when called 
THANK YOU for deciding what’s good for me.
Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons? 
“Hard work never hurt anybody, but then I figured why take the risk. “
“You’re making a food order, not choosing life insurance.”
“ALL MEN ARE ANIMALS! but if you can train them, they make good pets…”
“If first you don’t succeed, suck and suck until you do succeed.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
You non-conformists are all the same.
God Is Just Pretend!
You probably don’t recognize me without the cape. 
Dont piss me off- I am running out of places to hide the bodies
“If you like my bumper, you’d love my headlights.”
I’m the Christian the devil warned you about
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. “
“God was my co-pilot. But we crashed in the Andes, and I had to eat him.”
Subvert the Dominant Paradigm.
Extremism in defense of religion is no virtue.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Normal is a setting on my washing machine.
Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Four space stations were lost and they still funded a fifth? Only on TV – Babylon 5
B.S. (Phys): Why does it work? B.S. (Engr): How does it work? B.A. (Acctg): How much will it cost? B.A. (Arts) You want fries with that?
Jesus told you to wash your car?
Don’t hate yourself in the morning… Sleep till noon!
“Join the army, travel the world, meet interesting people and shoot them!”
“C code. C code run. Run, code, run! (please?)”
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
“If life deals you lemons, make lemonade! If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.”
I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
“Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. “
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to!
“Nuke their ass, take their gas!”
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Tell the kids I love them– God
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
I can tell your parents are close. I’m guessing second cousins.
Archaeologists will date any old thing. 
“I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing. “
My other wife is beautiful!
“If love of money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it?”
Proud to be a Democrat!
Money talks Chocolate Sings!
“All right, who put the Morning People in charge?”
I have seen the evidence. I want DIFFERENT evidence!
Welcome to California. Now go home! 
The best things in life are free plus tax.
“Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole. “
MAKE JOBS NOT WAR
Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons?
“Don’t drink water, fish breed in it.”
Jesus loves bikers too! 
“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. “
“There’s no business like show business, but there’s no job like a blowjob. “
Ask me about my compost pile. 
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank. 
“Proofread carefully, to see if you any words out.”
“Bad command. Bad, BAD command. Sit! Stay! “
RU-486: Hitler in a Pill
Jesus Just Left!
I tried sniffing Coke once. The ice cubes got stuck in my nose. 
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
I didn’t climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 
I’m storing up my treasure in heaven – just look at my car 
“Mumble, mumble, mumble … POOF!”
Don’t hate yourself in the morning — Sleep till noon!
“How much deeper would the ocean be, if sponges didn’t live there?”
“If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.”
Witches are just so crafty!
“I haven’t had my coffee yet, don’t make me kill you.”
What we really need is a ten-day waiting period and background check before you can buy a Congressman
“To err is human, to moo bovine. “
May the forest bewitch you.
“The Cat Philosophy of Life: If you can’t Eat it or Shred it, then Sleep on it. “
“CHAOS – More than a theory, it’s the Way of Life”
I used to live in the real world. I got evicted.
“To a dog, you’re one of the family. To a cat, you’re one of the help.”
Two wrongs don’t make a right but three rights make a left.
“If the host is the body of Christ, is it OK to add a little A-1 Sauce? “
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
“If we can put a man on the moon, why not all of them?”
RAPTURE THIS! 
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. “
“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”
“My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.”
May the forest be with you.
“I used to have schizophrenia, but we’re better now.”
“That’s not a haircut, it’s a cry for help. “
I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people!
Charter Member: Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.
“Imports are like tampons, every pussy has one!”
God is real unless declared integer.
Trust in God. She will provide.
“One person, one vote (Offer not valid in Florida)”
Don’t like my driving? Then QUIT watching me.
The main problem with Baptists is: They don’t hold them under long enough
How much does an abortion cost? One Human Life!
“If guns cause crime, matches cause arson!”
Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum.
“I love defenceless animals, especially in gravy “
Somewhere in Texas there’s a village missing an idiot
“I like your approach, let’s see your departure”
Opinions expressed on this vehicle are not necessarily those of the driver.
Pray for the end of 5 o’clock traffic!
“If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? “
The control key on the keyboard does not work. 
God is still on the throne!
“Back up off my bumper, it’s a letal weapon.”
I do it with runes!
“Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep”
CAUTION! Trigger-happy Klingon on Tactical! 
“Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.”
“If guns are outlawed, can I still use my sword?”
“Lord, Save you from your disciples.”
“If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children.”
God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 
A book worth banning is a book worth reading
A penny saved is a government oversight.
“It’s your Hell, You Burn In It.”
“I think, therefore we have nothing in common.”
That was Zen. This is Tao!
You’re stupid! 
“In God we trust, as long as we have the money it’s printed on.”
Hug you kids at home and belt them in the car.
I got a sweater for Christmas… I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Warning! Dates on Calendar are closer than they appear.
My idea of a team effort is a lot of people doing whatever I say. 
43% of all statistics are useless.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
“C:\COFFEE.EXE NOT FOUND <A>bort, <R>etry, <B>rew another pot?”
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico. 
Computers cut my work in half… and the boss expects me to put it all back together!
South Korea’s got Seoul! 
“If you see this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, try to think of it as one more anomaly in the cosmic order. “
Never drive faster than your Guardian Angel can fly.
Don’t follow me. I’m lost too.
“Talk is Cheap, until you hire a lawyer.”
You’ll need to know my name. You’ll be screaming it later.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes. Use birth control!
HEY! CAN U SEE @¿@ (THIS)
“Love, peace, and fat free chocolate… Now thats heaven.”
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost
“If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!”
You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! 
B.I.B.L.E.- Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. 
“Summa cum laude graduate, Darth Vader School of Personnel Management”
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Worry. God knows all about you.
My honor student can drink yours under the table!
“To you its a 6 pack, To me its a support group.”
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
“Since Jesus’ blood was wine, does that mean He was always drunk? “
“If it has wheels or a skirt, you can’t afford it.”
“If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?”
Political Correctness is Intellectual Fascism
“Federal Espresso – When you absolutely, positively have to have something that will get you going, no matter what you were doing overnight!”
“If the world is going to end at midnight 2000, which time zone will God use?”
Real Psychics don’t have 1-900 numbers. They call you… collect!
“I don’t think, therefore I am not. “
“I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.”
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane. 
Be alert. Your country needs lerts.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them. 
Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.
“Righteousness, the unforgivable sin.”
I’m doing my part to piss off the Religious Reich
God grant me patience. And I want it NOW!
If it has boobs or wheels it will give you a problem.
Jesus died for us and lived to tell about it!
The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work!
“Cute and definitely huggable…YES, you!”
why should I go to YOUR hell just because I dont believe in it?
Make love – not jihad!
I don’t give a damn what your other car is!
The First Amendment grants Freedom of Speech THE SECOND GUARANTEES IT!
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
Reunite Gondwanaland
“Without geometry, life is pointless. “
My Job is to Comfort the Disturbed & Disturb the Comfortable 
Get stoned – Drink liquid cement.
“My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she’s going to leave me. Gosh I will miss her.”
“Jesus may love you, but he won’t respect you in the morning.”
Will work for food… Will beg for sex
Was Jesus into body piercing 2000 years ahead of his time?
I’m not a slut! I’m popular.
“When faced with to evils, take the one you never tried before!”
“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! “
Don’t Be A Jackass! (Vote Republican)
“I’m Canadian. It’s like being American, but without the gun. “
I don’t need a new religion. I haven’t used up the Old one.
If you don’t vote people like Bush get elected
Goddess on board!
“Unless you are the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”
“Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I’ve Been Doing Since 15.”
Warning! Literal Belief In This Book May Endanger Your Health And Life.
They said it couldn’t be done and I proved it.
Thank God I’m Female!
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I’ve lost my virginity but I’ve still got the box it came in.
Don’t hit me. My lawyer’s in jail.
“I’m not perfect, but I’m so close that it scares me. “
My honor student sells the best dope!
“If you try to get my gun, don’t expect to get my trust”
Love That Loki.
Exxon Suxx.
The Natural Choice is Life
“Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.”
I’m objective; I object to everything.
“If God is all-powerful, then why doesn’t the alphabet begin with the letter ‘G’?”
Can I test drive your vulva?
Peace in the womb! Abortion is violent
Make Magick Happen… Vote!
My dog is smarter than your honor student. 
The seed of the soul is to serve
“If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.”
All generalizations are false.
I Believe In Life Before Death 
One Nation Under-Educated
I’d rather be playing golf
I feel like a new man. Do you have one I could use?
Very Pagan Person! 
A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck.
Blessed by Jesus – Spoiled by my husband.
Eternity: Smoking or Non-smoking?
“A baby’s life begins at conception, yours ends when you knock up my daughter.”
Look Ma! The ranks of the heathen are growing!
“Sure I know Jack Shit, I married him!”
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
“Next year, why not vacation in the millions of worlds of a used book store?”
Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
“Hot Flash? No, power surge!”
“I like kids, but I can never finish a whole one.”
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Computer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to be able to read?
Believe in life after death. Mess with my car and you’ll find out.
Abolish mornings!
Men exist because cats won’t mow the lawn. Women exist because sheep can’t cook. Neither of these things explain children. 
“First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.”
Driver carries no more than $20 worth of ammunition 
Witches are Crafty People!
Religious groups should stay out of politics; or be taxed 
I don’t know why I’m even out of bed. 
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
“My kid swindled your honor student at the Ferengi College of Business, where students learn to profit from more than just mistakes. “
Boldly Going Nowhere
Tell me to ‘stuff it’ – I’m a taxidermist.
“I’m on the road constantly, where the hell is Easy Street?”
WWJD 
Vampires Suck! 
I love my country. It’s my government I fear.
Hands that help are better than lips that pray.
“If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi!”
Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
“If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.”
Bee Healthy. Eat your Honey!
Don’t make me mad. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
My reality check bounced!
Jesus Saves by shopping wisely and using double coupons.
“So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.”
Equal Rights for Our Unborn Sisters and Daughters!
If you outlaw evolution; outlaws will evolve
There’s no Police like Holmes
Not afraid of heights – afraid of widths.
Get off my ass before I start to like it!
Didn’t I make you feel like you were the only man?
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
You’re People of the Book; what are you worried about?
CAUTION! – Vampire in trunk!
Never knock on Death’s door:
The road to hell is paved with Republicans
Jesus is coming – Everyone look busy!
United We Stand. Divided we Fall!
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain
Baby in trunk!
“Jesus, protect me from your followers!”
“Abortion doesn’t make you unpregnant, it makes you the mother of a dead child!”
Raising children is like getting pecked to death by a chicken!
Lawyers Have Feelings Too! (allegedly)
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
“If morons could fly, this place would be an airport.”
Nuke the Whales. 
My kid beat up your honor student.
REPEAL PROHIBITION!
Get a Life! (exclamation point is a cross) 
Procrastinate Later
Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.
Witch Wagon – Tailgaters will be Toad
The urge to scream tells me I must be at work.
“All around me I see Chaos, Panic and Disorder. At last, my work here is done!”
I read the bible…thats why im an atheist
Better half a slogan… 
Gun Control isn’t about guns. It’s about control.
Insanity: a small price to pay for sheer brilliance! 
We Pray Too
Egrets? I’ve had a few. 
CARPE BANDWIDTH!
“If you drink like a fish – swim, don’t drive”
Your College Sucks!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 
“I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.”
“Pagans make the best of friends, they worship the ground you walk upon.”
To hell with the Baptists. I’m going to Disneyland.
Carpe Noctem – Anything worth doing happens after dark!
I love cats. Want to trade recipes? 
“I know that you have a thing for me, but why is it so small and deformed?”
In a few years I’ll be tall enough to see over the wheel.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
God is not dead — just theism!
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost! 
“If ignorance is bliss, Washington must be paradise!”
God’s true name is unpronounceable…because God is Welsh!
Grow your own dope! Plant a politician! 
You earthlings have such strange eating habits
“So many men, so little reason to sleep with any of them”
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Will Write Code for Food
“I fish! Therefore, I lie.”
“If I could get a firm grip on reality, I’d choke it!”
“When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the Tax man.”
Don’t like my driving… Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT.
“Sanity is a state of mind …but the taxes are so high, I had to move away.”
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states. 
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your children.
It takes a Viking to Raze a Village
Give me that old-time religion!
Nice little planet you’ve got here. Shame if something happened to it.
Kill ’em all. Let God sort it out.
Dancers do it on the floor.
Atheism- There’s no substitute for being right.
Atheism is just a religion.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
Don’t skinny dip with snapping turtles
“Life’s a bitch, and then you die!”
“If I would like to hear from an asshole, I’d fart!”
Will Genetically Engineer Organisms For Food
So you’re a feminist… Isn’t THAT precious?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
“I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.”
DAMM: Drunks against Mad Mothers.
I love animals- they taste great.
“Trust me, I work for the government!”
“Sorry I missed Church, I’ve been studying WitchCraft and becoming a Lesbian.”
Don’t follow me I’m following my bliss.
“The more people I meet, the more I like my dog!”
Do you think you could drive any better with that car phone stuck up your BUTT?
My heart is on the rock my name is on the roll
“If you think the system is working, just ask someone who isn’t.”
Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?
Welcome to Middle Earth. Now Go Home.
Go ahead and honk. I’m reloading!
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up. 
The south WILL rise again.
My heros have always killed cowboys!
How’s my driving?.. Pray!
Will litigate for food [with disclaimer]
It’s not my fault I’m the only one in the world who knows how to drive correctly.
Friends don’t let friends boot OS/2tm.
Why do they call apartments apartments when they are built together?
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
“In dog years, I’m dead! “
“Keys in ignition, car left unlocked, purse left on dashboard. Rottweiler on the back seat.”
WORK as if you don’t need the money. LOVE as if you’ve never been hurt. DANCE as if no one is watching.
“I decided to get in shape, and the shape I chose was a sphere.”
God is not dead – he just couldn’t find a parking place.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 
“If it’s too loud, you’re too old.”
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
“Jesus loves you. I don’t. Now, BACK OFF!”
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
“I’m a Woman, not a Womb!”
God is my favorite fictional character.
“If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament!”
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
“If you can read this, you are in phaser range.”
“Drive carefully! Remember, it’s not only a car that can be recalled by it’s maker.”
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
“If you haven’t gotten to where you are going, you aren’t there yet.”
Abortion? The Supreme Court Also Legalized Slavery
“Smile, it confuses people!”
“VOTE: REPUBLICAN, it’s easier than THINKING; DEMOCRAT, it’s easier than WORKING; Libertarian, it’s cheaper than TAXES”
“I started with nothing, and I still have most of it left!”
“I don’t care, I don’t have to.”
Have you confused a Christian today? 
“When I grow up, I wanna be just like Barbie. That Bitch has Everything!”
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Smoking – think of it as evolution in action.
Read your Bible. There WILL be a pop quiz…..
“You’d be like this, too, if they dropped a house on your sister!”
“When praying, don’t give God instructions — just report for duty.”
If You’re Born Again Do You Have 2 Belly Buttons?
Do not wash. Vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
“If you can’t change your mind, are you sure you still have one?”
We’re the largest street gang in America. We’re the POLICE
Caution! Trigger-happy Klingon on Tactical!
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The early worm gets caught.
Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.
I’m in shape … round’s a shape isn’t it?
RTFM
“If you can read this, you are inquisitive.”
“Are you always an idiot, or just when I’m around?”
Old lawyers never die — they just lose their appeal!
This vehicle is insured by Smith&Wesson.
Forget the Flag. Burn a Politician.
“Housework is evil, it must be stopped.”
“It is as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.”
“Ironic isn’t it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03.”
“To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, that why pencil have erasers “
I have read the Bible–still don’t believe it
MAGIC HAPPENS! 
“Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.”
Cats keep their claws sharp because they know that just a purr may not be enough.
My mind is not for sale or rent to any god or government.
“If the Rapture would rid us of some of these idiots, it couldn’t come soon enough!”
Warning! Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
Omnipotent Omniscient Omnibenevolent – Pick two.
Choosy moms choose life!
Humpty was pushed!
I LIKE CATS! They taste just like chicken. 
“Jesus, save me from those who worship you.”
“This car is like my husband, if it ain’t yours don’t touch it!”
“If you ask God if He exists and He says NO, should you believe Him?”
A kiss is an upper persuasion for a lower invasion!
“Life stinks, and then you reincarnate “
Toonces is my co-pilot.
“No matter where you go, you’re there.”
Necrophilia is dead.
Closet Extrovert
“If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.”
Dare to Legalize Drugs.
Jesus Saves Sinners: And Redeems them for Valuable Prizes!!
How is it possible to have a civil war?
“Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.”
“If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.”
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Not all men are fools. Some are single.
King Midas’ dog–did everything he touch turn into a golden retriever?
It’s lonely at the top… but you eat better.
Friends don’t let friends vote Republican
Illiterate? Write for our free brochure.
A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her… or something like that.
Women belong in the house (and the Senate).
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you’re a jerk.
“Minds are like parachutes, they function when open.”
Reunite Gondwanaland.
Merry Meet & Merry Part and Merry Meet Again! 
“If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!”
Even Darwin believes now.
To some it’s a six-pack. To me it’s a support group.
“Another Deadline, Another Miracle”
“Welcome to California, take someone with you when you leave.”
“If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’LL PUT SHOES ON THE CAT!”
“The more people I meet, the better I like my cat!”
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
The New Right is fundamentally wrong.
“I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.”
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Jesus saves… But not on my salary!
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. Adlai E. Stevenson
i suport publik edjicashun
Ham and eggs – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
“Pro-Woman, Pro-Child, Pro-Life!”
Orgasm Donor!
Metaphors be with you.
“I knew Bush could not read maps, but this is ridiculous”
“When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and driving against traffic.”
“Woman make great leaders, you’re following one!”
“To all you virgins out there, thanks for nothing!”
“When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.”
“Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway”
“To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer”
I feel better after I wine a little. 
Wizard Wagon – Tailgaters will be toad
Too bad stupidity isn’t painful.
It’s In To Be Out
Don’t argue with your wife. Dicker.
As a former fetus I oppose abortion.
Support Faith Based Missle Defense Systems.
“I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. “
I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
A day without sunshine is like night. 
Pissing off the world one person at a time
Stop signs with the white borders are optional.
“If I ever want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.”
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? It’s easier to run with your kilt up than your pants down!
I’ll get a life when someone can prove that it’s better than what I’ve got now.
Stamp out global whining.
“Some babies die by chance, no baby should die by choice”
Spiritual people inspire me – Religious people frighten me. 
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Stop repeat offenders Don’t re-elect them!
BE WITCHED.
Diapers are Disposable… BABIES ARE NOT! Stop abortion!
Mop and Glo – The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team. 
Men are pigs
I poke badgers with spoons. 
Driver caries only $20 in Ammunition!
I brake for hallucinations.
There’s no right way to eat a Rhesus. 
“Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I’m deaf and blind.”
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
Never give the devil a ride — He will want to drive.
Abortion: Pick on Someone Your Own Size
What if the whole world FARTED at the same time?
Don’t laugh! Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
“I don’t know anything Lord, leave me alone.”
Support the Math Illiteracy Tax – Buy Lottery Tickets.
“On your mark, get set, go away! “
Are you better off now than you were four years ago? Vote Democrat 2004
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
I’m not as think as you confused I am.
Spike Lee and Charleton Heston for President.
Honk if you are just a honker.
“If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people! “
Cats are children that you don’t have to send to college
Born Again? Why don’t you just grow up?
GOD HAS MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES.
“Sorry I missed church, I was busy practicing witchcraft”
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
“Guns didn’t make America unsafe, Courts and Congress did!”
“Stop looking for the right person, BE the right person! “
Oh sure. But what’s the speed of dark?
An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.
Sure you can trust the government. Just ask an Indian!
We’re spending our kids inheritance!
Honk if the twins fall out. 
JESUS SAVES at Banco de Mexico 
Get into the SWING! (with couple dancing graphic)
Who said beer won’t make you smarter? It made Bud wiser!
Weird Load
Sometimes you’re the dog and sometimes you’re the hydrant. 
Have fun in bed with someone you love. Use your car for better things.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
There’s too much youth; how about a fountain of smart.
We are spending our kids inheritance.
“Bean me up, Scotty! They make lousy coffee down here”
Take your ex out tonight. One bullet ought to do it!
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
“I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now. “
Never shoot to kill. Always shoot to live.
Dyslexics are teople poo. 
Practice random and senseless acts.
Our God is an AWESOME GOD!!! 
Jesus was not a Bigot!
I inhaled and I vote
Celebrate Goddess! 
Happiness can’t buy money.
Don’t believe in reincarnation? Better luck next time!
Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
“Pan Pipes, Pan Plays, Pan’s Delight “
Powered by broom fuel.
Quantum mechanics: The stuff dreams are made of.
Fundamentalism stops a thinking mind
DO NOT DISTURB Occupant is disturbed enough already 
Babylon Express – When you absolutely positively don’t want anyone to know where it went or how it got there.
“If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomoly in the cosmic order. “
Mean People Suck
Semite: God talks to me.
I am an escapee of a political correction facility.
Am I supposed to be impressed? 
“Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.”
“American by birth, Irish by blood and Celtic by choice.”
“NyQuil – The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. “
Eris is my co-pilot – Loki is my bombardier
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes! 
Drugs cause amnesia…and other things I can’t remember.
“If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.”
“We are born naked, wet, and hungry…. Then things get worse. “
Get the hell out of my way. I’m late for church!
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
“If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over.”
“And on the 8th day, God played golf!”
“Sex on television can’t hurt you, unless you fall off.”
“Sorry if I look interested, I’m not! “
Vote Conservative! There’s no mistake like an old mistake!
“Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. “
My ex gave me a reason to live: I want Revenge!
Some mornings I just don’t feel like slaying dragons.
“When Jesus changed the water into wine at the wedding of Cana, wasn’t that enabling behavior?”
All I want to do is massage your back. TRUST me…
“If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.”
Hukt on fonix reely wurkt for mee!
What a nice night for an evening.
The church is prayer-conditioned.
“Born Again. And again, and again, and again ….”
“A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture”
“I intend to live forever – so far, so good.”
All you need is One. 
“Daddy Farted, and we Can’t get out!!”
I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.
Inside every small problem is a big one trying to get government funding.
Come the Rapture – Can I have your Car?
“Don’t miss today, worrying about tomorrow!”
My God is alive – sorry about yours.
Dijon vu! – the same mustard as before.
“I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back. “
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.”
“Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole!”
“My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns. “
“If you get any closer, you’d better have a condom”
Keep your laws off my body.
Getting a free kitten proves that you don’t need money to get love
“I’m not opinionated, I’m just always right.”
“If You Don’t Like How I Drive, Kiss My Nether Regions”
Life would be so much easier if we just had the source code
I got this truck for my wife / good trade huh!
“When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being Mean.”
A seven day honeymoon makes one weak.
Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
“I’m not playing with myself, I’m just adjusting my jewellery.”
“Those who can, Teach. Those who cannot teach ARE RUNNING THE SCHOOLS!”
Don’t Be Sexist – Bitches Hate That
“Oh my God, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!”
Lord give me patience… But Hurry!
Can’t shake the devil’s hand and say you’re only kidding.
“In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma — But never let him be.”
Who is Jesus Christ? Inquire within!
Earth is full. Go home. 
Have a nice day… somewhere else.
The Earth is full. Go Home!
“In case of rapture, the car’s yours.”
“First Hilary, then Jennifer – now us.”
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film!
“I fish, therefore I lie. “
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. 
Like to travel? Enjoy sex? Take a f*cking hike.
Honk all you want. I’m deaf!
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi… Oooh! Donuts!
I hate plants.. That’s why I became a vegetarian!
My dad is a fairy. (No he ISN’T gay!)
Cats are children that you don’t have to send to college.
“Unless you’re a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!”
“The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.”
“If you want to get laid, crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait!”
Pro-choice? That’s a life! Babies don’t choose to die
I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.
Legalizing Concealed Weapons would be just fine if stupidity was outlawed.
“If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?”
My Other Car Is a Pitchfork
“I still miss my wife, but my aim is improving!”
I’m only driving this because aliens ate my Volvo 
“If you aren’t allowed to laugh in heaven, then I don’t want to go there”
“I’m A Citizen, Not A Suspect”
“I don’t care WHO you are, you’re not walking on the water while I’m fishing. “
Who cares who’s on board?
Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
Proud ancestor of an honor student at STARFLEET ACADEMY
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
“Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”
Nuke an unborn gay baby whale for Jesus
Anime-niac
Honk If Anything Falls Off
I will mess with Texas
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME. 
Freelance gynecologist.
Running Microsoft? What do you want to fix today?
We’re the largest street gang in America. We’re the Police!
Don’t blame me. I voted.
Christ’s table is open to all… Guess who’s coming to dinner!
I drink from Cerridwen’s Cauldron 
I will finish what I sta
Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends.
I thought I was indecisive; now I’m not so sure. 
There’s a sucker reborn every minute – PT Robertson
Skin Bin!
“Clear the road, I am SIXTEEN!”
I can handle pain until it hurts.
“If Darwin is right, you’ll be a monkey’s uncle! “
“Horn not working, Watch for hand signals”
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
“I don’t think, therefore I am not.”
Any school can be a good school if you help to make it one!
“God created Man. And Man, being the gentleman he is, returned the favor.”
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
If God is your Copilot – swap seats!
This truck belongs to me. Everything else belongs to her
I hate coffee. It keeps me awake at work.
“What God didn’t give me, My plastic surgeon did!”
Saturday has a morning?
[pentagram] Born Again Pagan
The Goddess Loves You …whether you believe in her or not!
REPEAL INHIBITION! 
My computer doesn’t understand me!
“LILITH WOULDN’T SUBMIT, God always had a problem with that “
“Sure, I believe in God. Now where are the miracles? “
Defecation eventuates.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.”
I’m Too Poor to Vote Republican
Forget About World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
The Christian right is neither.
“If your bumper sticker wasn’t so damned small, I wouldn’t have to drive so close to read it!”
Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy. 
SUV: Super Unpatriotic Vehicle.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why don’t you believe in me? I believe in YOU!
GODISNOWHERE!
CUSTER WORE ARROW SHIRTS
“If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?”
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
The real problem with Baptists is that they never quite seem to hold them under long enough.
Honk if you’re horny!
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can’t.
“Isis, Isis, Ra Ra Ra”
“I believe in unicorns, dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures”
Thank you for not breeding.
“I used to be a schizophrenic until they cured me, now I’m just lonely.”
This car stops for all roadkills.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
“Trust in God, but lock your car.”
Heaven won’t take me and Hell is afraid I’ll take over.
My Co-Pilot IS God!
In Perfect Love & Perfect Trust
Gun Exchange programs would work great if they gave you a gun when you handed in a criminal!
What we need is a patch for stupidity! 
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be Evil.
Witches’ Parking – All others Toad.
“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? “
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
I scored points for Death Race 2000.
“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”
Perfectly Pagan!
My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that. 
Practice Safe Housing – Use Condos!
The road to success is usually under construction.
Some choices are wrong!
“If you can’t see my mirrors, it means I’ve hit another cyclist.”
Do Not Disturb… Occupant is disturbed enough already
“Where there’s a whip, there’s a way.”
Why be difficult. Be impossible!
Life is just like a straw – it SUCKS.
Who you know determines where you go!
“I’m still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes. “
“If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? “
“When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.”
Eschew obfuscation.
It only seems kinky the first time.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Old skiers never die — They just go downhill.
“When Cthulhu Calls, he calls 1-800-Collect™”
“I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?”
Life’s too short to hunt with an ugly dog.
I found Jesus in my trunk…$5 to see him!
Dogs are like children that you don’t have to send to college
If your life is rusty… Your bible is dusty!
I Cayman went.
Honk if you hate noise pollution.
Eris is my co-pilot
Prevent death on the road. Drive on the pavement.
Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
“If I’m talking, everyone should be taking notes. “
You can’t fix stupid
This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to Me.
“Turn back to God, America.”
Don’t drink and drive… You might hit a bump and drop your beer!
You never see a Harley parked in front of a shrink’s office.
It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.
“I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. “
“In a world full of caterpillars, it takes balls to be a butterfly.”
[UFO] Some things must be believed before they can be seen
Always yield to temptation. It may never pass your way again.
Thou shall not steal… my automobile!
God doesn’t support Road Rage!
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine!
“If God Created Man in his own picture, I really think, I prefer Satan”
“As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. “
Weird Load!
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“Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill: An it harm none, do what ye will.”
The Christian Right Is Usually Neither.
Ahhhh… good to the last drop!
I love my country. It’s the government that pisses me off.
“I love babies, born and preborn”
The computer revolution is over: The computers won!
“Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.”
“Cats are amazing! Cute, furry, friendly, and only 140 calories per serving!”
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Frodo failed. George Bush has the ring.
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. 
Plunder globally. Manage media locally.