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BASE Jumper

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Police tackle BASE jumper upon touchdown from Centennial Plaza stunt

BASE Jumper Apprehended

Police, Fire Units Respond

Yourtown—- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

Well known local daredevil and adventurer Casey Jones got a surprise Saturday afternoon when he BASE jumped (parachuted) from the roof of a relatively small apartment building in downtown Seattle. Police were waiting for him to touch down.

“I’ve BASED about 90 buildings across the country,” says an angry Jones. “I’ve been arrested about twenty times out of all those jumps. But I’ve never been beaten like I was on Saturday! That was ridiculous!”

A team of “about twenty” SPD officers were alerted to Jones’s stunt, and had assembled at the most likely landing area on 4th and Vine.

Witnesses reported that Jones touched down, and then immediately put his hands in the air as a token of surrender.

“Then the cops just charged him like it was a football game,” said a bystander. “That guy (Jones) didn’t have a chance! He wasn’t aggressive in any way. He knew he was being arrested, and he wanted to just go with the flow. You could see that. So why did the cops beat the hell out of him like that?”

Bob Charlen, a senior Detective with SPD, said that he couldn’t comment formally on the case until all the facts were in, but it appeared that Jones “had made a threatening move”, and that was the motivation for the police team to tackle him.

Jones said, “It’s ironic—the jumps are always perfectly safe. It’s the landing parties that’re going to kill me.”

See DAREDEVILS, A New Breed, Page D-5

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Bear Comes to Town

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Local businesses visited by carnivorous patron.

Bear Finds Way to Fife

Police, Fire, Animal Control Units Respond

A young bear found its way into the Fife industrial area this morning, and was cornered by law enforcement and animal control officials.

“The animal just wandered around looking at things,” commented a county animal control executive. Apparently the bear was observed shaking locked doors in the area, and using his considerable weight to try to push the doors inward.

“It’s highly unusual for a bear to make it all the way into inhabited areas like this,” said another animal control employee. “Of course there are bears outside of town, but I can’t see this animal making it all the way over here unnoticed. Someone would have called it in.”

No zoo in the area reported any missing animals, and animal control personnel suggested that the bear appeared to have been living in the wild, as opposed to having come from a zoo.

Police set up a perimeter while animal control distracted the animal long enough for a zoo veterinarian to dart it. The bear did not immediately ‘go to sleep’ however, and spectators were kept out of the area until it was cleared sometime after 7 a.m..

“We try to never be surprised,” said one man from animal control. “But sometimes we are.”

The bear was loaded into a truck, given a complete physical, and taken to an undisclosed location.

“This bear won’t have to be put down,” said Earl Wanker, an associate at the Zoo. “He maintained his manners and didn’t eat anybody. He was just curious—and maybe hungry. He’ll be introduced back into the wild.”

Residents and business owners should sleep a little better tonight, knowing that.

See WILD ANIMALS Page D-5

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Screw Loose

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X-Ray shows bolt embedded in skull.

Headache Sufferer Diagnosed

Doctors Baffled

A Port Ludlow man may have finally found the source of migraine headaches he has suffered for over twenty five years.

Casey Jones, a retired minister, sought the help of doctors dozens of times over the years, but none could alleviate his chronic headaches.

“They put me on this drug, then that drug,” Jones said. “I think all the drugs over the years have caused me more discomfort than the headaches.”

Finally, in August of 2000, Mr. Jones was being treated for an unrelated ailment when his doctor ordered a series of head x-rays.

“When we put up the first film,” said Jones’s physician, Dr. Bill Campbell, “we all just sort of stood back and no one said anything. Then someone chuckled, because we assumed the x-ray technician was having some fun with us.”

“The doctor came in and was kind of laughing, and he said I had to do the x-rays again,” said Jones. “So I figured ‘what the heck’, and I went in and did them all over again.”

“When the second series showed the same results, we stopped laughing,” said Dr. Campbell. “But no one could think of anything to say, either. We just stared at the films, and no one knew what to do next, or how to advise the patient.”

Several more series were taken over the next weeks by two different labs, and all the results were the same: Casey Jones had a bolt in his head.

“They questioned me at length,” said Jones, “trying to figure out how the bolt might have gotten there. They found a small scar behind my right ear, and we figured that’s where the bolt entered. I was in an industrial accident many years ago, and I did have a cut behind my ear there,” Mr. Jones continued, “and it was sore for a long time, but I never suspected this.”

Doctors believe Jones’s bizarre condition is not life threatening, and they are exploring ways to alleviate the headaches the bolt seems to cause.

Casey’s wife, Hazel, saw the humor in the situation, however, when she commented, “Now I know he’s got a screw loose!”

See ‘Strange But True’ Page D-5

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Fakey Alien Abduction

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Victim asserts alien photo (above left) is genuine

First Documented Abduction

Dozens of Witnesses in Mall Parking Lot

A Kent woman, Casey Jones has filed a report with the Pierce County Sheriff’s office claiming that she was abducted by aliens while attempting to unlock her car door after shopping at Auburn’s Supermall. Dozens of witnesses support the allegation.

“I was just getting in my car to go home,” said Casey. “I was tired. I’d been shopping for hours. All of a sudden, I heard this weird kind of ‘whirring’ noise. I looked up, and there it was—a bright light was right above me. It was coming from the bottom of a disk-shaped craft. I could see little aliens looking at me out of small portholes. Then the light got even brighter, and the next thing I knew, I was sitting on the pavement next to my car, and there were people standing all around me.”

Witnesses corroborate virtually every detail of Casey’s statement. Apparently the Kent resident was “beamed” into the saucer, then spirited away for “about an hour”. Then the craft returned, and deposited Ms. Jones right back next to her car.

Casey has subsequently undergone extensive hypnosis therapy, which also tends to support her entire story.

“A lot was revealed during hypnosis,” said Casey. “For instance, they (the aliens) told me that they are very concerned for our environment. They told me that I must spread the word and convince the world’s population to stop polluting. It’s a huge responsibility. They also seemed very concerned over the current world shortage of Rocky Road ice cream. This seems to be one of their most profound priorities. They want me to appeal to the ice cream industries of the world to step up production of this vital food source. They warn that there could be ‘serious consequences’ if this is not done. I don’t know what they mean by that,” she added.

Other than that, though, Casey says the aliens are friendly, intelligent, and witty, demonstrating a peculiar strain of dry humor.

“Before they dropped me off,” continued Ms. Jones. “We buzzed the White House and made all their lights flick on and off. Those little guys laughed and laughed. It was a blast.”

The investigation is continuing.

See ‘Indications of a Growing Alien Threat’ Page D-5

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Sperm Donor

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Baby’s biological father (inset). Baby (above) bears startlingly human features.

Genetics Research Advances; Experiments Right or Wrong?

It’s a boy!

The newborn belongs to Vaughn and Julie, a couple of African Gorillas residing at Seattle’s Woodland Zoo. The pair has been caged together for fourteen years and this is their second offspring to live.

“Their first baby, a girl, was natural in every way,” says Dr. John Weston, Gorilla specialist at the zoo, and the man in charge of genetics experiments for a chain of Zoos from San Diego to Vancouver, B.C. “But this one…….this one is, uh, different.”

Casey Jones, a local resident of Kent and an employee for Hanson warehousing, was in college 23 years ago when this all began.

“I needed the money,” Casey shrugged. “They offered me $25 for my sperm. I signed a bunch of waivers. And I forgot about it.”

But Casey’s small contribution wasn’t forgotten by science. Four years ago geneticists began experimenting with techniques to clone certain characteristics of humans and gorillas together. That research has resulted in “Frankie”, the baby, uh, gorilla/human shown above.

“He’s as healthy as a horse,” beamed Dr. John. It’s too early to know exactly what we’ve produced. His facial features obviously appear very human, but who can say what else is human?”

Casey Jones has refused to discuss the matter at length, except to say that he has gone into intensive psychiatric therapy to deal with the ramifications of having produced a modern day “ape boy”. Mr. Jones appeared dazed and confused during this interview.

“He needs his rest,” offered a family friend. “He just needs lots and lots of rest.”

See ‘Indications of a Growing Alien Threat’ Page D-5

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Lotto Winner

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Three lucky Washingtonians (inset) among twenty three to win Lottery.

Biggest Jackpot in National PowerBall Lotto!

Washingtonian Buys Lotto Ticket on Dare

Twenty three people from almost as many states will share a whopping $100 million in one of the Nation’s largest lottery payoffs.

Split twenty three ways, the winners will receive over four million each. After taxes, the amounts could be as little as 2.5 million bucks, but, as one Washington winner, Casey Jones says, “That still ain’t chump change!”

Paul Jacoby, a winner from Edmonds, Washington, says he bought his ticket while getting gas on the way to work in downtown Seattle. “Even if I only end up with the two million or whatever, that’s still more than I’d make in my lifetime,” Mr. Jacoby beamed.

Janine Broderick is a successful real estate agent in Bellevue, East of Seattle, and commented that 2.5 mil is roughly equal to her annual earnings for the past few years. “Still,” she said, “this is great. This will buy me a new kitchen!”

Jones says she plans to sink the bulk of the four mil, before taxes, into various tax deferred investment plans. The remainder, she said, will buy a little bungalow in the South Pacific, and that’s where she’ll stay. “I’m ready to retire from the human race,” Ms. Jones said. “What would I do around here? If it’s a choice between loafing in the cold weather, or loafing in a tropical paradise, it’s really a no-brainer.” Asked if she’d give notice at her job, Jones laughed and turned away.

Though none of the Washingtonians attended, twenty of the winners traveled to Chicago for the award ceremony. After the banquet, the group parted with no plans to stay in touch.

See AMERICA’S FREE MONEY CRAZE Page D-5

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Double Decker Outhouse

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Double-decker outhouse says “Management” and “Employees”

New Toilet Facilities Installed at Local Warehouse

A Joke in the Poorest Taste? Or Something More Sinister?

An unlikely structure was discovered in front of the Acme warehouse in Kent, this morning. And no one seems to know how it got there.

Workers arrived for their early morning shift on Thursday to find a “double-decker outhouse” sitting in front of the customer load-out dock. On the top level, there is a sign which says “Management”, and the sign on the lower unit, directly below that, reads: “Employees”. The hole from the top unit empties directly onto the head of someone who might sit in the lower unit.

“This is in the poorest possible taste,” commented Paul Johnson, an executive with the firm. “We can’t believe that anyone would think this is funny.”

Eric Smith, manager of the complex, vowed to get to the bottom of the stunt. “Whoever did this will pay the price,” said Mr. Smith. “We have little management / employee disagreements from time to time, like any large company, but this….this is just disgusting.”

Several hourly employees milled around the spectacle during their break periods. Most thought the whole thing was hilarious.

“This is in the best possible taste,” John Walker chuckled. “I’d like to meet the man responsible for this and shake his hand.”

Pete Ogden didn’t quite agree. “This is just going to cause us trouble,” he said. “Management will be out to get us for sure, now.”

Secretary Carol Joy refused comment altogether, while Dave Smothers thought it was all just mild entertainment with no political agenda attached. “It’s just good, clean fun,” commented Mr. Smothers. “Personally, I think Gary James is responsible. That’s what I’ve heard, anyhow.”

Acme management was busily trying to make arrangements to have the “atrocity” removed and disposed of; however the outhouse remained as of press time.

“This is not good advertising,” lamented one member of the management team who asked to be identified as “Caryl. “When I find the responsible party, there’ll be some blood-letting. And you can count on it.”

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Pup in Tree

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Puppy lodged in tree near 11th Street park.

Tragedy Averted for Pup

Local Man Saves the Day

A puppy found itself in a bizarre predicament Friday as it was discovered wedged in the fork of a tree near the 11th street park.

Fire units responded to the call around noon, when several children noticed the dog. The puppy was approximately forty five feet off the ground, and the children were unable to climb that high to rescue it.

John Decker, of the Kent Fire Dept., said, “We got a hi-rigger (bucket boom) on the scene, and tried to get it up to the dog, but the area was strewn with power lines and other tree branches. It was going to be a long and tedious process to get the bucket up to the dog. Frankly, we didn’t think the puppy would stay stuck in the tree like that—it looked like he would slip out at any moment. We weren’t sure what we were going to do.”

Several minutes after the first units arrived, a passerby stopped and asked firemen to help him hold a large blanket near the base of the tree, so as to catch the pooch if it fell.

Meanwhile, Casey Jones was watching the bizarre event unfold from a nearby drive-in where he was spending his lunch hour. Casey is a dispatcher for a local trucking company, Dart International.

“I knew the puppy didn’t have much time left,” said Jones. “It was barely wedged in there. It could fall at any second.”

Firefighters said that while they pondered their next move, a man bolted from the drive-in, ran straight to the tree, and just started shinning up like a monkey. That man was Casey Jones.

But Jones was almost too late. When he was only about five feet below the pup, it wriggled loose and fell.

“I figured that was it for the pup,” said Jones. But luck was on everyone’s side.

As the dog fell straight toward Jones, it glanced off a branch. That deflected the pup’s path so that it was going to miss the blanket that was being held to catch it. Jones let go of the tree with his hands, then swung out and tried to snatch the dog in mid-air. He didn’t quite get it, but he was able to alter its fall just enough so that the firemen on the ground could catch it in their blanket.

“Casey slipped down the tree about eight feet after that,” said a fireman. “We thought we were going to lose him then, instead of the dog. But he managed to grab a big branch as he slid past it, and caught himself. He (Jones) was able to get down from there.”

The pooch was fine—and apparently very glad to be on the ground again. Jones suffered minor scrapes and cuts, but says he’d do it again, anytime.

The pooch’s owner had not been located as of press time, and speculation continues as to how the lucky little dog got up there in the first place. Aliens?

See ‘Strange and Bizarre’, Page D-5

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Skydiving Car

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Skydivers exit vehicle as it plummets to earth

Bizarre Stunt Goes Off Without Hitch

Area Skydivers Drop Car from 8000 Feet

Four Western Washington skydivers set up and performed a bizarre in-air stunt on Saturday, about 15 miles east of Ellensburg. The feat was organized by world famous adventurer Casey Jones, and filmed for the upcoming Hollywood movie, “Style”.

Jones arranged to have the automobile dropped from a helicopter at 8000 feet.

“We exited the car at about 6000 feet,” said Casey. “Then the script called for us to fly back into the car and sit there through 1000 feet. Then we were allowed to get out and deploy out chutes. It was a fun ride. I could do that all day long!”

The other three parachutists were local men and associates of Jones from other jobs around the world. All three work out of the jump center at Kapowsin, Washington.

The car impacted an empty field right on target, going about 160 mph straight down. The gasoline tank had been removed from the car prior to hauling it up to 8000 feet, so there was no danger of explosion. In addition, all air traffic was cleared from the area.

“We didn’t want to see a 2000 pound missile go down through the wing of some Cessna,” chuckled Jones.

The car, a 1967 Camaro, left a hole in the ground about four feet deep. It was hauled off later in the afternoon by a local auto wrecker.

Jones travels to Antarctica next month to freefall from 10,000 feet directly into a blimp. “Hopefully,” said Jones, “I’ll punch right on through the blimp, and will pop my chute once I’m below it. That’s the plan anyhow. We’ll see!”

See ‘Daredevils; Natural Selection’ Page D-5

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Slacker Award

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Local man, Casey Jones (above) awarded Kent’s “Slacker of the Year”.

Local Man Gets Coveted Slacker Award

Says He’s Worked Hard for the Honor and Feels He Deserves It.

A Seattle employee for Hanson Inc. was awarded the city’s first annual “Slacker Award” today. Casey Jones, a dock worker for a local warehouse, was chosen in a unanimous vote by friends, fellow employees, and, surprisingly, by the Kent City Council.

“We’ve never seen so many people pull together in such a concerted effort.” Said Eileen Johnson, who worked on the nomination committee. “It was so refreshing to see so many of Kent’s citizens utterly galvanized in this movement. We all wanted Casey to win. He was the natural choice. In fact,” Ms. Johnson added, lowering her voice, “Casey was the only nominee.”

When asked why the city decided to award the honor this year, the Mayor was quoted as saying, “Mr. Jones’s level of commitment and his attendance

record of late just seemed to call out to the community: ‘I’m a slacker!

I’m the King of Slackers everywhere! Recognize me!’ “Well,” the Mayor went on, “we just couldn’t ignore this man’s accomplishment. It deserved attention and recognition, and that’s what we’re giving him.”

Jones will be enjoying the fruits of his award soon. The city plans to have a gift certificate delivered to the Jones residence. Officially, it’s contents were unknown; however this reporter has learned from reliable sources that Mr. Jones will be given a certificate for “Dinner for One at Burger World,” (redeemable only at the Miami outlet).

Comments from the man’s superiors at Hanson Inc. were less than gracious, with Mr. Jones’s boss saying candidly, “I hope he chokes.”

See SLACKERS, a sleazy new class of American, Page D-5

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C-11

UFO Over City

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Mysterious object in sky over Tacoma.

Unidentified Object Over City

Calls Flood Police and Media

An unidentified object hovered for about fifteen minutes today over west Tacoma before vanishing without a trace in an eastward direction.

Hundreds of calls flooded Tacoma Police lines and local news papers, radio stations and television studios, as witnesses tried to make sense of what they saw.

“This is an unusual case,” stated John Pilluk, spokesman for MUFON, an International UFO reporting and research agency. “There’s lots of documentation in the (Tacoma) case in the form of videotape and pictures, but we’re not willing yet to say it was of extraterrestrial origin. We just don’t know what it was.”

McChord Air Force Base officially stated that they had no “unusual” aircraft in the area, and military officials also stated that they were not tracking any objects over west Tacoma.

The object was witnessed by numerous police and fire officials, but their accounts were varied and speculative. One Tacoma Policeman who asked not to be identified, said

he felt it was definitely a balloon of some type, and that it was merely hovering in stagnant winds.

But the Tribune also spoke with numerous local pilots who all agreed that there was plenty of wind to move the object away, had it been a balloon or a hoax of some type.

Some witnesses said they could see the object spinning, while others said it definitely did not spin at all.

Estimations of the object’s position were varied as well. Many witnesses claimed the object was hovering only a few hundred yards in the air near a 6th avenue strip mall, while other reports came in which suggested the object was high above Point Defiance.

“We may never figure this one out,” said Pilluk. “We’d love to be able to say this is a definite and indisputable sighting of an extraterrestrial craft, but we’re just not there yet.”

On Tuesday night, Seattle television stations reported large, bright green lights which “criss-crossed” the skies over Seattle and Edmonds for several minutes. It is unknown if there was any connection to the Tacoma sighting.

See EXTRATERRESTRIALS Page D-5

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C-12

Husband Killer

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Body Parts (above left) Found in Suspect’s car

Local Woman Sought in Grisly Homicide

Suspect Believed Still in Area

On a routine traffic stop Thursday night, police discovered the remains of what appears to be a Caucasian male. A female, Casey Jones, shown above right, is being sought by police in connection with the grisly crime.

“I performed a routine stop about 7 p.m.,” says patrolman Amos Blackfield. “I wasn’t expecting anything unusual. When the suspect’s car had almost come to a stop, a woman bailed from the driver’s seat and disappeared into thick brush off of Maple Road. I called for backup and then went on foot pursuit, but she had slipped away in the twilight.”

The officer returned to the suspect’s car and was shocked to find a number of body parts in plastic bags on the passenger side floor.

“We discovered two feet, two eyes, one hand, and some miscellaneous organs, you know, a lung, a liver, and whatnot,” stated Detective Jorgenson. “I really can’t comment beyond that. We don’t know where the rest of this person is. We need the suspect to tell us that. We’re hoping this girl will just come in and talk to us.”

The partial body is presumed to be that of the suspect’s husband, who did not show up for work Tuesday and was reported missing by his family.

Ms. Jones’s co-workers expressed only mild surprise at the incident.

“We knew she was capable of something like that,” stated Dave Brown, a truck driver employed by Casey’s company, Dart International. “We’ve all had some pretty scary encounters with her. She’s always made me uneasy. She used to keep little dolls in her desk drawer. Dolls with no heads. She was unbalanced. We all knew it.”

Another employee, who asked to be called “Timmy”, suggested that Casey’s husband might have deserved such a gruesome end. “It’s pretty clear to us that Casey had something going with her boss, and together they off’ed the husband. He wasn’t much. That’s what we all think, anyhow.”

A $2000 reward has been offered for Casey Jones, by the family of her husband.

“We’ll git thet bitch,” commented a distraught family member. “She can run, but she can’t hide.”

Anyone having information as to the whereabouts of Casey Jones should contact Kent Police immediately.

“We believe Ms. Jones is armed with a rather large knife. And it’s obvious she’s extremely callous and dangerous,” a police spokesperson said. “Don’t try to apprehend this woman yourself.”

See “Women: Violent Killers” Page D-5

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C-13

Outlaw Bikers

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Rear tire literally on fire as outlaw biker rolls on throttle

Outlaw Bikers Hit Seattle

Bikers Used to Ride “Hogs”. Now They Ride 220 mph Missiles.

The Capital Hill area of Seattle fell victim to another onslaught of so called “outlaw bikers” Saturday night. The group consisted of about 14 men and 3 women on new, very fast, mostly Japanese motorcycles.

“We’re seeing a new breed on the streets these days,” says Seattle Detective Maurice Constance. “We used to have to deal with a lot of felons on Harleys, or ‘Hogs’. Those bikes were relatively slow, and they weren’t all that reliable. Many times we’d be in pursuit of a lawbreaker on a hog, and his bike would give up the ghost before the rider did. We could pretty much always catch ’em.”

But the new biker is different. Conversations with local motorcycle dealers reveal that many off-the-shelf sport bikes nowadays can top 200 mph, and can go much faster with only a little custom tuning. In addition, they’re getting to those higher speeds much, much faster than the old technology Harleys. Some new bikes can do 0 to 60 mph in under 2 seconds.

“That’s fast,” admits John Boker, an SPD motorcycle patrolman. “Even our own Japanese machines can’t begin to match that.”

The “gang” that terrorized Capital Hill Saturday night was made up of 20-35 year old “hooligans”, as one officer described them. “They scared the hell out of women, children, dogs and Goths,” said the cop. “And we only made one arrest, one ‘Casey Jones’. He’s one of the worst, and he’s going to pay.”

See “Bikers; The New Breed” Page D-5

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C-14

Crippled Airliner

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Airliner “drags” in low and slow at SeaTac; smoke billows, crowds gather

Another Emergency Landing at SeaTac

Passenger Plays Critical Role in Dangerous Landing

A Confederated airliner made an emergency landing at SeaTac International Airport last week after developing a malfunction in-flight.

Alaska Air flight 345 was grounded at LAX due to a computer glitch in scheduling, so 119 passengers were rerouted to the Confederate flight as a courtesy by Alaska Air.

“We thought we were doing our customers a kindness (by re-routing them to another flight),” said Darlene McKinley, spokesperson for the airline. “Of course we had no way of knowing something like this would happen.”

The flight was enroute to Seattle when one engine displayed a fire warning at 34,000 feet.

“Everything had been uneventful until then,” commented the co-pilot. “When we were forced to shut down the starboard engine, the plane naturally yawed. But the yaw was extreme and the cause of such an extreme yaw was unknown to us at the time. Apparently the fire in that engine had weakened a large section of the wing, and that section was causing the drag that caused the yaw. It’s kind of like you’re flying sideways,” the co-pilot added. “It’s very uncomfortable and the plane is quite hard to handle in that configuration.”

The pilot had his hands full controlling the plane, while the co-pilot was forced to place both feet on the left hand rudder pedal to keep the plane from yawing even more.

“That engine kept re-igniting,” said Shirley Andersen, senior flight attendant on the flight. “We had to keep pulling the fire handle to put out the fire. I had to do that, since the flight crew was busy keeping us in the air. But we also had quite a few of the passengers with emergencies of their own. We had two heart attacks in First Class alone. That’s when Mr. Jones stepped up to the cockpit and asked if he could help.”

“I’ll be honest with you-we were glad to have him,” the co-pilot continued. “We put Casey to work at the Halon control, and whenever we got a flare-up in the starboard engine, Casey fired the (fire) suppressant and knocked the flames down. We were only about 20 minutes out of SeaTac by that time, but it was still a long 20 minutes. We all applaud Mr. Jones. He was a great help and we won’t forget him.”

The plane landed safely at Sea-Tac.

See Airline Safety Page D-5

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C-15

Ten Passenger Motorcycle

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Seattle Man Announces New Concept in Mass Transportation

“This machine will revolutionize mass transit.”

“This machine will revolutionize mass transit,” says inventor Casey Jones.

Jones is so sure he’s on the right track that he has mortgaged his home to finance mass production of the unusual motorcycle.

The vehicle is a hybrid made from components of nearly a dozen production bikes. Jones said he took the best from all, and left the mistakes.

The odd contraption has been dubbed “The Centipede”. Jones says he does not support the handle.

“She puts out almost 200 horse,” says Jones. “Her frame is strong enough to hold the weight of ten ‘full figured’ passengers. And she’ll do about 80 mph.”

Jones hopes to start production within five months, under the trade name “Shizzam! Motors Inc.”

DOT officials admitted that Jones is seeking to license the vehicle as a taxi.

“I can compete with any cab company in America with a fleet of these,” said Jones.

The company is taking orders; the ten passenger model will retail for about $26,000, or $3000 over the price of a four-wheel taxi cab.

See Honda Stock UP Page D-5

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C-16

Contest Winner

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Trophy Awarded to Local Girl

Seattle Hairdresser Wins ‘Miss Western Washington’

Judges Voted Unanimously—First Time in 94 Year Contest History

A three man/two woman panel voted unanimously today to award the state’s 94th “Miss Western Washington” to Casey Jones. She was chosen from a roster of over four hundred ladies, with twenty three making it as far as the finals. This is the first time in the contest’s history that the vote was unanimous.

“Casey is a heart throb in every sense of the word,” commented 57 year old judge Thomas Brighton. “As the contest progressed, we were all left fairly speechless. Ms. Jones’s charm was captivating, her intelligence was like a sunbeam in a dark and irrational world, her beauty was utterly unsurpassed. No other contestant came close in my estimation.”

Ms. Jones will formally assume her duties in about two months time. She will continue her hairdressing career with 5th Ave Barbers in Seattle. Ms. Jones has vehemently refused a million dollar photo-op offer from Playboy, saying she doesn’t feel that’s what the region needs right now.

“I have lots of plans for the betterment of our area,” says Casey. “But taking my clothes off for money isn’t among them.”

Darlene Johnson, one of the two female judges on the panel, said simply, “Casey is a Princess. Her heart is true and her mind is straight. We love her.”

See Contest Principles and Goals Page D-5

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C-17

Plane in Wires

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Light Planes Hangs in Wires

Private Plane Crashes Near Industrial Area

Pilot Feels Lucky to be Alive

Pilot Casey Jones says he feels lucky to be alive after an incident which left 30,000 without power for twelve hours yesterday.

“I was flying with my wife at about 4000 feet over the edge of town. We were sort of, you know, making out,” Jones admitted a little sheepishly. “We’ve done it before. It was no big deal. But, well, I don’t know—something just went wrong. Next thing I knew, the plane had stalled. I tried to recover, but a part of my wife’s clothing got hooked on the yoke, and I couldn’t push it forward.”

That kept the plane in a stall for about 3700 feet. With only 300 feet to spare, Mr. Jones was able to start recovering from the stall, but he still couldn’t miss the wires.

“Sure it was scary,” said the pilot. “We figured we’d bought the farm. If it hadn’t been for the wires, we probably would have hit one of the buildings.”

The FAA is investigating, and will decide later whether or not to cite the private pilot.

“We see quite a few of these,” said John Kenny, FAA inspector. “I investigate maybe 20 cases a year.”

The plane was extracted from the power lines by crane later in the day.

There were no reported injuries.

See ‘Mile-High Club’ Page D-5

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C-18

Toilet Computer

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Your Spouse Spends How Much Time On-Line?

One Woman Says Enough!

A Kent Man, Casey Jones, spends so much time on-line that he has moved his desk into his bathroom to reflect the needs of his lifestyle.

“It’s all fully functional,” says Jones. “I spend a lot of time at both activities, so why not consolidate my schedule?”

The family has two bathrooms, so Mr. Jones is free to spend as much time as he likes, uh, “working”..

“Now I don’t have to feel rushed no matter what I’m doing.”

Casey’s wife, Delann, says this is the last straw.

“I hardly ever saw him before this!” she fumes. “Now, I’m tempted to just seal off the door and slip his meals through the crack. After all, what reason would he ever have to come out again? Maybe someday the toilet will overflow and he’ll drown. I guess when his emails stop, we’ll know he’s dead.”

See America’s Laziest People Page D-5

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C-19

Meteor Destroys Home

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Meteor Roars Through Sky, Impacts on Rainier Beach Residence

Meteor Demolishes Local Home

“Hopefully Not Precursor to Bigger Event,” Say Scientists

At 11:05 A.M. Pacific time, Monday, a meteor of unknown size rocketed through the skies of the western United States. But where would it land?

“We didn’t even see it coming,” said Paul Zurflu, a spokesman for the Lowell Observatory outside of Flagstaff, Arizona. “Generally, when there’s a ‘significant event’ in the offing, even if we don’t see it, someone will call it to our attention to it so we can take a look. But there was no warning whatsoever in this case, and that’s a little frightening.”

Hundreds of drivers and pedestrians stopped and watched in awe—and some in terror-as the ghastly sight plummeted through the atmosphere.

“It was just like the movie,” said one couple. “You think it won’t really ever happen, but this is proof that it not only can, it will.”

Alex Martinez, whose house was utterly flattened by the disaster, said he was unable to fully express how he felt.

“I’m glad we weren’t home, for one thing,” said Martinez. “But once you get over the relief of that, you start to think about your house, your pets, all your belongings, all the things insurance can never replace. Then the really scary part hits you: Will insurance even cover this? I don’t remember checking the box on the policy for ‘meteor protection’. It could be that we’re really wiped out, and we just don’t know it yet.”

Scientists say that meteors often come in “groups”, or “meteor showers”.

“There’s no way to predict what could happen in the next few days to a week,” said Paul Zurflu. “We’ve got people looking—I think it’s safe to say there are thousands of people looking after this event. But right now there’s no way to know anything for sure. This could be a one-time, isolated event, or it could be the remains of a larger rock, and dozens of more fragments, larger or smaller, could come in at any time. This epitomizes the need for a great deal more funding in this area. This was a complete surprise, and it shouldn’t have been.”

See New Data from Mars Probe Page D-5

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C-20

Not Used

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C-21

Motorcycle Bungee

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Local Man Rolls Off Bridge Near Twin Falls, Idaho

Bungee Jumpers Take Stunt One Step Further

“This has got to stop!” says Twin Falls Policeman.

A Tacoma man has pulled off an amazing feat by bungee-jumping his motorcycle from the I.B. Perrine Bridge outside of Twin Falls, Idaho over the weekend. The jump covered the entire distance to the river, 265 feet below.

“It was a perfect jump,” beamed Casey Jones. “I was able to just dip the front wheel into the river. I scooped a handful of water, then the bungee pulled me back up. It was magical.”

Promoters of the stunt filed with Guinness to have the feat recorded as a record, but since the event wasn’t monitored by official Guinness staff, the request was denied.

Asked what his next adventure might be, Casey smiled and said, “I can’t be specific, but it might have something to do with a tall and unique building in Seattle. We’re still working out the technical side of it.”

Although neither Jones or his crew was arrested at the time of the stunt, the Idaho Highway Patrol has made it known that it would like to speak with Jones, or anyone else connected with the stunt, “as soon as possible.”

See Daredevil Splats After Montreal Jump Page D-5

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C-22

Machine Gun Fisherman

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Local Man Taken into “Protective Custody”

Local Man Causes Stir

“He just kept saying, ‘I Never Catch a Fish’!”

A local man, Casey Jones, was taken into custody Sunday morning after numerous fishermen called in to police headquarters that there was a ‘crazy man’ loose on the lake.

Officers responded, but didn’t have a boat with which to approach the subject.

“We stationed units along the shore,” said Paul Ripley of the county Sheriff’s office. “We didn’t want this guy to get away.”

Officers with Fish and Game finally arrived on scene with a boat and transported sheriff’s deputies out to where the suspect was motoring around in the odd little craft.

“As we approached him, we kept our guns trained on him, naturally,” reported a spokesman for Fish and Game. “We started calling to him through a bullhorn, but the man didn’t seem to be aware of our approach. We couldn’t figure out what he was up to.”

Finally the officers worked their way close enough to the suspect to be able to hear him muttering to himself.

“He seemed to be talking to the fish,” said one deputy. “He was just quietly swearing at them. Like ‘Elmer Fudd huntin’ wabbit’. Then he’d giggle. Then he’d curse them some more. It seemed that he was having trouble catching fish, and had resorted to more ‘powerful’ means.”

“When we came alongside the dingy,” said officer Ripley, “he seemed surprised to see us. He had been training his gun (later identified as a .50 caliber machine gun) into the water whenever he thought he saw a shadow, but he never fired it as long as we were on scene.”

The man was taken into “protective custody” and his boat and apparatus impounded.

“We’re discussing the case with the prosecutor’s office,” said Ripley. “At this point, we don’t know if charges will be filed. We’re not sure if he (Jones) even committed a crime. He’s been sedated, and we have him under observation. He just keeps muttering about fish, and how hard it was to catch them. He called the fish a lot of names. We don’t know what he might have done if we hadn’t come along when we did. He might have opened up with that cannon, and that couldn’t be a good thing for anyone.”

Jones was resting peacefully before press time, and refused an interview.

See America’s Dying Ecology Page D-5

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C-23

DB Cooper

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Route of Cooper’s 727; Right: The real Daniel (D.B.) Cooper

Hijacker “D.B.” Cooper Caught!

FBI Says No Question of Identity: “This is Our Man!”

The hijacker actually called himself Dan Cooper; a law officer mistakenly described him to the press as “D.B.” and the name stuck.

The original jumping skyjacker, Cooper boarded a Northwest Orient flight for Seattle on Thanksgiving Eve in 1971.

He had no unusual characteristics, flight attendant Larson recalled. He wore a dark suit, dark tie, white shirt and the sunglasses, which he never took off, and chain-smoked.

He also had a black briefcase, which he opened for Larson, showing her a couple of red cylinders, wires and a battery.

Once aloft he threatened to blow up the plane and demanded $200,000 and four parachutes. The plane landed at Sea-Tac to accommodate his demands.

After Cooper’s demands were met, he ordered the 727 to again take off from Sea-Tac and then jumped from the rear of the plane somewhere over Washington state.

Cooper dove into a freezing rainstorm at 10,000 feet, wearing only a business suit and loafers. The temperature was 7 below zero, not counting a wind chill factor estimated at minus 70 because of the plane’s speed of 200 mph.

When the jet landed in Reno, the stairs were down and Cooper was missing, along with the money and two parachutes.

Despite exhaustive searches, Cooper’s body was never found and his whereabouts were unknown.

Until now.

FBI agent Himmelsbach had always believed Cooper either landed in the Columbia and drowned, or died in the mountains and the money was washed out.

But last week a Kent man, Casey Jones, walked into FBI Headquarters in Olympia and provided proof that he was the original Daniel Cooper, AKA “D.B”.

“The proof is irrefutable,” said John Bookman, special agent with the Olympia Bureau. “Although the case is technically open, we really never thought this could happen. But we’ve checked and rechecked this man’s story and documentation: He’s the real thing.”

Jones’s attorney claims the statutes have run out on any crimes his client “may have” committed in the hijacking. But the FBI and the Justice Department aren’t so sure.

“We’re checking our list and checking it twice,” said a Department spokesman. “Right now Mr. Cooper-or rather Mr. Jones is not in custody, but that could change at any moment.”

Jones said he was glad it was finally over. He had undergone extensive plastic surgery in the Seventies to disguise his identity, and had used the loot from the hijacking cautiously all these years.

“I’ve lived a new life since those dark days back in 1971,” said the man. And I’m going to continue enjoying that life.”

See More on Cooper, Page D-5

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C-24

KKK

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Local man (center) ‘fesses up: I Am the Grand Wizard!

Washington’s Grand Wizard for Seven Years Goes Public

“Why Did I Do It? I’m Tired of Being Asked That—It was My Version of an IQ Test for These People. I Wanted to Know if They Could Really Tell the Difference Between a White Man and a Black Man. They Couldn’t.”

The “Good ‘Ol Boy” network of KKK members in Washington state was rocked on its heels today as Casey Jones, an African American dock worker for Hanson Inc., announced publicly that he was installed as the KKK’s Grand Wizard seven years ago, and has held that position ever since.

“There’s no question that’s the man,” conceded an angry Billy Bob Wanker, spokesman for the NW Chapter of the Klan. “We put (Casey) in that position and we’ve supported him all these years. We’re not sure where the breakdown occurred, but you can be hot-damn sure some heads are gonna roll because of it!”

Casey says he took the position on a lark.

“Everything with those folks is done in secret. Most of them don’t even know what the others look like,” said Casey. “There was a slip-up nine years ago, when one of the Klan accidentally called me at home and informed me that I’d been

“cleared” to join the KKK by some guy named Jimbo, who was the third cousin of some other guy named Billy Ray, a member of the Klan in good standing. For the heck of it, I played along with the phone call. I never expected it to go further than that. But on the morning of the meeting, I started having crazy thoughts. I attended the meeting that night, with a white sheet over my head of course. Well, those guys liked me. They liked me a lot. And two years later they elected me Grand Wizard. What an honor! I never laughed so hard in my life, and I’ve been laughing ever since. Hell, I even cancelled my cable TV—who needs more entertainment than this? The KKK has made me a happy man. Watching those guys has been like watching Beavis and Butthead for seven wonderful years. I owe them a lot.”

Heads have indeed begun to roll within the inner sanctum of the KKK.

“Frankly,” said one KKK member, “We don’t know if the Klan can survive this. It’s a disaster.”

See Intelligence: What is it Exactly? Page

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C-25

Santa Killer

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Suspect shown with Santa; several reindeer lay slain nearby

Santa Claus and Four Reindeer Slain!

Suspect Arrested, Released on Bail

A Tacoma, Washington man, Casey Jones, was arrested Sunday on suspicion of homicide and cruelty to animals. He was taken into custody after witnesses reported the individual shooting at a man in a red suit, who was riding in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, about twenty miles due east of Nome.

“This is a sad case,” said Federal Marshal John Menthe. “We’ve identified the victim as one ‘Kris Kringle’, AKA Claus, Santa, age, uh, well, I don’t have that information. Apparently Mr. Kringle was testing a new sleigh, and conditioning his reindeer for an upcoming trek in December. It’s a common event in these parts. -Kind of a practice run for the old guy. Most everyone hereabout knew him.”

Casey Jones had been querying local residents regarding this annual practice of Mr. Kringle. Several residents of Nome had been corresponding by mail with Mr. Jones, thinking he was merely interested in writing a story about Kringle.

“We never dreamed that this guy, Jones, had anything sinister on his mind.” Said Hannah Barclay, who runs the Nome Chamber of Commerce. “He seemed so polite.”

Authorities have traced Mr. Jones’s actions during the 24 hours prior to the shooting.

Sheriff Wheldon offered an accounting of the facts his office has uncovered:

“Mr. Jones was tipped by a local that Kringle was out testing his new sleigh. That was on Saturday afternoon. Jones booked a flight to Nome and arrived within eight hours.

The suspect stayed in the ‘Log Cabin’ motel Saturday night, then headed out into the bush on snow shoes early Sunday morning. He carried with him a Remington .338 Magnum rifle, outfitted with a 15 power Leopold scope. It’s not uncommon to see folks troopin’ around the countryside with a rifle,” added Wheldon. “Bears and all.”

“Folks heard the first shots about 10:15 a.m.. A couple of village kids ran their snowmobiles out there to see if someone had had a run-in with a polar bear. But what those poor kids saw was—well, it was…”

Deputy Verger was forced to take up the Sheriff’s place:

“Santa was just flyin’ across the sky. It’s a beautiful sight, if you’ve never seen it. This guy, Jones, was blasting away with that elephant killer of his. First one reindeer was hit, then another. They were screamin’. The sleigh was startin’ to spin toward the ground. Four of the reindeer broke loose of the harness and flew off into the clouds. And Jones, cool as you please, just kept firin’.” Deputy Verger paused to compose himself, then went on:

“You can all see the end result. Santa augured in like a meteor. He was probably dead when he hit the ground. Jones finished off the reindeer as they lay tangled in the harness. Then he just stood there with one foot on the old guy, yelling ‘YES! YES!’, until we cuffed him.”

Jones was released on $1,000,000 bond and has returned to Western Washington. He was unavailable for comment at press time.

See Shameless Commercialism Page D-5

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C-26

Child Creature

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Local Woman Cured of Congenital Malformations

“She Looks Almost Completely Normal!”

Early Childhood Photo

A Kent woman has undergone some of the most intensive and invasive plastic surgery ever performed on a human being.

Casey Jones has endured 23 operations in four years to redefine her appearance in its entirety.

“Ms. Jones suffers from a condition known as ‘reptilica estradus magnaminous’,” said doctor Thomas Elgin, a plastic surgeon of wide repute. “Casey’s condition was as severe as any we’ve seen. Her skin was completely covered in reptilian scales. She had a tail. And you can see for yourself how hideous was her snout. I’ll tell you frankly, I was afraid of her. And several of my OR assistants refused to come in the room until Ms. Jones was very securely restrained on the operating table. Oh, sure, there were a lot of jokes, like ‘This ain’t no veterinary hospital’; you know, crude things like that. But I believe in treating anyone (and anything) that needs my help. I took an oath, after all.”

Ms. Jones had been prevented from attending public school because she frightened the other children. And sometimes she bit them. She couldn’t talk because her throat was anatomically that of a crocodile. And she never seemed completely comfortable unless she was in the water, the more brackish the better.

“Casey has a whole new life ahead of her,” said her doctor. “Yes, we do have some concerns about, well, about the possibilities of producing offspring. We’re looking into that. But even if she produced a litter of chomping little crocs, imagine the research opportunities!” the doctor chuckled.

Ms. Jones’s medical expenses, which totaled over 3.4 million dollars, have been waived by the hospital on the condition that she allow medical science to study her for the rest of her life.

Casey says she’s happy to come forward and tell her story, if it will help others.

“We need to know where creatures like this come from,” said a hospital spokesman. “She’s a marvelous specimen, and she can teach us a lot. We can’t wait to get our hands on her.”

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C-27

Backhoe Hits Bridge

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Overturned backhoe stuck under bridge near Fife, Washington

Backhoe Being Hauled on Truck Hits Bridge

DOT Admits Bridge Improperly Marked

A Sequim, Washington truck driver got a surprise Tuesday when the backhoe he was hauling on his ‘low-boy’ trailer hit the underside of a bridge on I-5 near Tacoma.

“It was a hell of a sudden stop, I’ll say that,” commented driver Casey Jones. “From sixty to zero in one point three seconds. It gets your attention.”

The backhoe was being hauled from San Francisco to Seattle and had completed 99% of the trip with no incident.

“We’ve measured and re-measured the clearance,” admitted DOT investigator Rob Milhouse. “The bridge is not as high as it’s supposed to be. There’s no mistake.” Mr. Millhouse added that recent repairs on the bridge may have inadvertently lowered the clearance a few inches without anyone really paying attention to it.

Truck driver Jones was understandably angry. Asked if he felt he was liable in any way, Jones hesitated, then said, “That’s a damned stupid question.”

Rob Milhouse of the Dept. of Transportation answered the question differently.

“I don’t think there’s any question the driver is at fault,” said Milhouse. “He may have been issued a document by the DOT which states that all bridges on his approved route are of sufficient height to handle his load. But that doesn’t relieve him of the responsibility of making sure that’s the case.”

Mr. Milhouse was asked what steps a driver might take to assure his load would clear each and every bridge. He replied, “That’s not the department’s problem. We can’t hold these drivers’ hands. If they feel they need to stop at every bridge, get out of the truck, and measure the clearance with a tape, then I guess that’s what they better do!”

It was unclear at the scene if driver Jones would be cited by Washington State Patrol.

Jones says he’s sick of bureaucratic stupidity, and wants to elect Mr. Ed for President.

See Bureaucrats—Can’t Live With ‘Em—But We Can Sure Live Without ‘Em! Page D-5

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C-28

My Anus

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Casey Jones Slips Into Tank of Raw Sewage

So, You Think Your Job Stinks?

Another Day, Another Dollar

It’s pronounced “my-A-nus, named after William Mianus, town father. It’s a real place in Western Washington. And it’s all about…..sewage.

The plant consists of a series of huge concrete tanks set in the ground, which are used to direct the flow of sewage through various settling areas. Large valves are set into the concrete in the bottoms and side of the tanks, which may be as deep as 25 feet. Occasionally those valves get plugged, and, just like an overflowing toilet, something needs to be done quickly in order to avoid a horrendous mess.

That’s where Casey Jones comes in. He’s the employee who’s charged with the dubious responsibility of keeping the valves clear.

“Unfortunately,” says Jones, “there’s no automatic or mechanized way to clear the valves. The engineers have tried to come up with something over the years, but nothing has ever worked as well as a ‘hands on’ approach.”

Several times a day an alarm sounds in the main control booth, and Jones snatches up his mask, snorkel and flippers, and sprints toward the tank that’s getting ready to overflow.

“I’m in a hurry,” says Jones, “because if the tank does overflow, it’s my job to clean up the mess. Think about 800,000 gallons of slippery poop oozing out across the countryside like The Blob. An ounce of prevention is worth a lot here.”

When Jones finds the offending tank, he wastes no time in “getting right into” the task.

“I immerse myself in my job,” Casey chuckles.

“I used to use SCUBA gear, but it was too time consuming to put all the gear on. And the high concentration of urine in the water tended to disintegrate my wetsuits. I also had a lot of trouble with turds getting stuck in the mechanism of the regulator. When you just use a snorkel, you can cough those babies right on out.”

It generally takes Jones about ten minutes to clear a clogged valve. Then he hoses down with one of the lawn sprinklers outside, and returns to the control shack to wait for the next alarm.

“I make about $8 an hour. I just do this part time, after my regular job, to make a few extra bucks. I really enjoy it. Sure, I’ve had some trouble with diseases. But I keep a bottle of Clorox handy, and I douse any little lesions that pop up, and it kills the parasites and worms too,” said Jones. “It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it.”

See Occupational Therapy Page D-5

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C-29

Street Prostitution

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Streetwalkers Ply Their Trade in Ponder’s Corner Area

Street Prostitution “Out of Control” Says Mayor

Vice to Initiate Major Crackdown

Tacoma Vice Detectives announced Thursday that street prostitution in the Ponder’s Corner area near Lakewood has become a major concern, which “merits major action”.

“We’re seeing a 60% increase in street prostitution,” said Paul Williams, spokesman for Tacoma PD. “The vast majority of crime that’s associated with prostitution stems from the street level, as opposed to organized brothels.”

Police arrested 27 women Saturday night alone, for prostitution related charges. Among them was a young girl named Casey Jones.

“Look, I’m just trying to make some friends out here,” said Jones. “So what if they give me money? I’m not doing anything wrong. I like lots of people—lots of guys. There’s no law against that. Guys like me too. Why can’t they (the police) just leave us alone. This is all bull****.”

“This girl is a hard case,” said Detective Morain. “We’ve seen her come through the system several times. It won’t be long before she graduates from simple prostitution to assaults and robberies. There just aren’t enough counseling resources to help steer these girls straight before they end up like Casey here.”

The Mayor’s office says it simply has no alternative but to crack down, and crack down hard.

See “Young Morals” Page D-5

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C-30

Ferry Sinks

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Ferry Sinks!

119 Rescued

The Washington State ferry “D’Sonoqua” was rammed by an Australian freighter today in Elliot Bay. Despite massive salvage and rescue efforts it sank in 43 minutes. There were no fatalities.

At 2:47 p.m. the Australian freighter “Princess of Sydney” entered Elliot Bay under the command of a Washington State pilot from Port Angeles. It was also maneuvering under the direction of the Seattle Traffic Service, a United States Coast Guard service which monitors, directs and advises all shipping traffic on inland waters.

“There was a catastrophic lapse in communications,” declared a Coast Guard spokesperson. “It may be months before we get to the bottom of it.”

There were dozens of heroes on the scene, mostly pleasure boaters who were cruising in the area and responded to the vessels’ MAYDAYs. Coast Guard Officials conceded that the reason there was no loss of life is directly attributable to the heroic actions of those local boaters.

One man, Casey Jones, was credited with the single-handed saving of the Browns, a family of six, when he found them trap-

Continued Page

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C-31

Mugger Gets Surprise

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“Victim”, right, demonstrates technique; “suspect” shown on left

Would-Be Mugger Gets Surprise

“That man hasn’t got the brains God gave a crowbar if he’s gonna mess with me,” says victim

A Tacoma man, Harley Birch, thought he’d make a few easy bucks on Saturday. He didn’t plan on working for the money though. He figured he’d just take someone else’s.

“I work hard for my money,” says victim, Casey Jones. “I work at Sears, and I only make about $4 an hour. There’s no way that guy was going to get it!”

Ms. Jones was headed for her car in Southcenter parking lot when a man approached her and said he had a gun.

“He said, ‘Gimme your money or I’ll blow your (expletive) brains out.’ But I didn’t want to give him my money. And I didn’t want him to blow my brains out either.”

The victim reportedly retorted, “You take your clothes off and dance like a chicken, or I’ll beat you ugly.”

Mr. Birch laughed, and that’s when Ms. Casey snapped and started beating Mr. Birch with her fists.

“At some point during the altercation,” said Detective Perone, “the guy lost his gun and realized he was in trouble. He decided to do as Ms. Jones asked, in hopes she’s stop beating on him. He took his clothes off and danced naked in the parking lot. But I guess Ms. Jones wasn’t amused, and she laid into him again. Birch finally crawled back to the mall and begged a security guard to call the police. We found the guy naked, bleeding, barely conscious, barricaded in the men’s john. We had a heck of a time convincing him to come out. He wasn’t coming out until he was sure the victim was no longer in the area.”

Mr. Birch is recovering from serious injuries, but he said the incident turned his life around.

“I been in prison quite a few times, but I always came out feeling just the same. Now I gotta rethink some things. That woman was mad,” said Birch. “I don’t ever want nobody to be that mad at me again!”

Casey Jones suffered no injuries in the altercation except a skinned knuckle, and refused to press charges against Mr. Birch.

“He got what he deserved. He’ll be a good boy now, I’m sure of it,” said Ms. Jones.

Tukwila police consider the matter closed.

See “Frontier Justice; It’s Wrong, but is it Wrong as Often as the Courts? Page

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C-32

Nicest Employee Award

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Warehouse Employee Awarded “Nicest Employee”

City of Seattle Awards Warehouse Employee Title

“It was an easy choice this year,” said Gloria Johnson, spokeswoman for the contest.

A Kent woman, Casey Jones, was awarded Kent’s 39th annual “Nicest Employee” award. Casey works for XY Enterprizes, a regional distribution center for Hanson Inc. in the valley.

“Well, sure, I’m happy to be chosen,” said Ms. Jones, “but,” she added in characteristic modesty, “I’m not sure I deserve it.”

But her coworkers disagree.

“Casey has always been a rock of helpfulness and compassion,” said John Walker, a dock worker. “No matter how unruly or obstinate a customer might become, Casey always has time to help them through a problem or a mix-up. No one deserves this award more than Casey. No one at all.”

“I wish I had a whole company made up of Casey Jones’s,” commented her boss, Rob Smith. “We have a fine crew here, and lots of these folks are deserving of their own awards. But Casey has always been special to us. We wouldn’t know what to do without her.”

Dave Brown, a truck driver who’s in and out of the warehouse most days, said, “I can always count on Casey to be one of the brightest spots in my day. I look forward to stopping at this warehouse just to see her smile.”

Paul Moore voiced an almost identical opinion, as did everyone else this reporter spoke with.

“Casey is just a sweet, sweet woman,” said another co-worker, Bette Davis. “I don’t know if Casey knows how many friends she has here. Maybe it’s time we let her know.”

“That’s just what this award is about,” said Gloria Johnson. “…to let someone know when they’re cared about and appreciated. We’re happy to have someone like Casey Jones to present it to.”

See ‘Good Help’s Hard to Find These Days’ Page

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Outlaw Bikers on Monorail

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Biker nears end of Monorail track at Seattle Center

Seattle Man Arrested After Monorail Stunt

Suspect says, “I didn’t see a single “Keep Out” sign!”

A local man was arrested Saturday after completing a bizarre stunt in which he rode a motorcycle from Westlake Mall to the Seattle Center—about a mile and a half—along the track of the Monorail, over 40 feet above street level.

Scot Hasenkamp was taken into custody without incident after he stopped on the track on the west end of the route.

“It was a lark,” Hasenkamp admitted. “We’ve been planning this for a couple of years now. I did a lot of practicing in parking lots by chalking off a course that was exactly as wide as the monorail track, and then riding along that path until I knew I could stay within the lines no matter what. Then there was all the planning involved in sneaking the bike to the monorail platform at Westlake, and then we had to get it through the toll gate and out onto the track. We worked hard to pull this off.”

Asked if it was worth it, Hasenkamp replied, “Let’s wait and see how much my bail is before we make that determination.”

Hasenkamp had arranged to videotape the stunt, and then sell rights to the video tape to various “Extreme Sports” shows in the TV market. In a twist of cruel irony, one photographer forgot to bring a charged camcorder battery, and the other was mugged for his camera at 5th and Blanchard, so no videotape was taken.

See Outlaw Bikers Page D-5

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C-34

Divers Raise Ship

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Vessel Rescued from the Deep

“She was in forty fathoms and the currents were hard.”

A Hoodsport man, together with several SCUBA diving friends, have raised a 99 ton fishing vessel from the briny deep.

The ship, “Cape Star”, was sunk in over forty fathoms in Rosario Strait after suffering an explosion aboard which ripped a hole in her bottom. The vessel sunk in about twenty seconds, taking all hands with her. Salvage Master Casey Jones was hired by the insurance underwriter to raise her—if he could.

Jones said it was a tough job. “We were working in four knot currents, at a formidable depth. Our bottom times were severely restricted. Visibility was zero. We suffered numerous gear failures. The vessel had been substantially damaged, and that made it all the harder to raise her.”

Coast Guard officials, who monitored the salvage operation, said, “It was a job well done. We’d like to send more work Jones’s way.”

Mr. Jones earned about $140,000 for four days work. Of course that’s before expenses.

“I’ve been wanting to get into this level of salvage for a long time,” said Jones. “I’m happy to finally get the chance to do something big, and then to have the luck to pull it off without a hitch.”

Jones and his dive crew said they’ll be soliciting more work of this type in the future.

See Shipwrecks of Old Page D-5

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Diver Recovers Ring

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Tenders ready diver for deep dive; barge waits patiently (background)

Deep Dive Recovers Lost Artifact for Local Woman

Woman Loses Wedding Ring—and Husband—in Sinking Nearly 75 Years Ago

“I can’t bring my husband back,” says 94 year old Ezmerelda Fitsimons. “But now at least I have his ring.”

The saga began nearly 75 years ago. John and Ezmerelda Fitsimons were newlyweds on their way to the Alaska gold fields aboard the HMS Sergeant when she struck another ship in fog in the middle of the Queen Charlotte Straits, near the Canadian and Alaska border. The ship went down in minutes, taking 24 men with her. All the women were put into lifeboats.

“I cried. I cried so hard,” said Ezmerelda. Her eyes grew wet as she told the story. “I tried to stay with John. I told him we should be together no matter what. We were both crying.”

The sirens were screaming and fog horns from other ships in the area were rumbling through the dark, swirling fog. John carried his bride to the last lifeboat and pried her trembling hands from his clothing as he said good bye. Then the lifeboat pulled away and John stood at the tilting rail, blowing kisses to his wife.

“I don’t know what made me do it,” remembers Ezmerelda. “In one second I took off my brand new wedding ring and threw it to John. I didn’t think it would even reach the ship, but my husband just put his hand up in the air and it fell right into it. He looked at it, then I could see the tears streaming down his face. By this time the deck of the ship was starting to go under. John’s feet were underwater. The men were yelling at us to row harder so the suction of the sinking ship wouldn’t pull the lifeboat under. Then I saw John kneel down and take one shoe off. I thought, ‘What could he be doing’? Quick as a flash he stripped the shoelace out of it. Then he used the shoelace to tie my wedding ring to the rail of the ship. By the time he was done tying it, the water was up to his neck. We looked at each other, then he just went under. He was standing right there at the rail where he tied my ring, and he just went under the water like that. He never came up. I never saw him again.

75 years later Ezmerelda read a magazine article describing new hard-hat deep diving techniques, and she had a crazy idea.

“I just had to try,” she said.

In October, renowned deep diver Casey Jones took on the challenge free of charge.

“This dive was to 483 feet,” said Jones. “It’s not a dive one takes lightly.”

A barge stood by with the team’s support equipment, and 97 minutes later Jones surfaced with his fist clenched around an object.

“The shoestring had long since rotted away,” said Jones. “But a bunch of marine growth had attached itself to the string before that happened, and that formed a new string of sorts, holding the ring to the rail exactly as it had been for 75 years. It was exciting to find it.”

Mrs. Fitsimons says she feels she can now rest in peace. .

See Shipwrecks of the Pacific Page D-5

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C-36

San Diego Shark Attack

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Diver swims frantically to avoid second attack—to no avail

Local Man Returns Home After San Diego Shark Attack

“I’m just glad to be back in shark-free waters!” says victim.

A Tacoma man, Casey Jones, is resting comfortably this evening after surviving a harrowing shark attack while visiting relatives in the San Diego area.

“We were down about 90 feet, looking for Abalone, when we started seeing big, dark shapes all around us. This little shark came in real fast and chomped Casey’s leg. Casey knocked it in the head with his Abalone knife and it went away, but I could see a cloud of blood coming from Casey’s leg, and then right away the other, bigger ones came in. One swam right past me to get to Casey’s bloody leg. It was a rush, for sure.”

Jones thought he’d gotten away clean when he fought off the smaller shark. “But when I saw the big one coming, I swam like you couldn’t believe,” recounted Jones. “I didn’t even feel that leg.”

The second, much larger shark circled Jones once, then went directly for the kill.

“It was amazing,” said Jones. “I saw him coming, I knew he wasn’t going to waste time circling again, with all the other sharks around there. I couldn’t begin to out-swim him. I tried to think of something to use as a weapon, but all I had was my Abalone knife, and it was like a twig against a fish this big. I pretty much figured that was it. End of the game.”

“I was trying to think of maybe some way to distract the shark,” said Jones’s friend. “Maybe I could conk it with my camera. But then I realized I couldn’t get to Casey in time. There was nothing I could do but watch. I was so horrified that I let the camera slip out of my hand, and it sank down to the bottom.”

As the shark closed in, it opened its mouth. But Jones was lucky twice in a row.

“It seemed like I could just slip right into that mouth and never come out again,” said Jones. “But when it finally chomped down, it chomped right onto my SCUBA tank. I could hear its teeth grating on the aluminum, like fingernails on a blackboard. For a minute, I thought, ‘You dumb (expletive). This serves you right.’ I figured at least the shark was going to break a few teeth before finishing me off.”

But it seems the shark didn’t like anything about the taste of Casey Jones or his SCUBA gear. After that one initial bite into the tank, it swam off and didn’t return. The two divers didn’t waste any time getting out of the water.

“Sure, I’m glad to be alive,” admitted Jones. “My leg’s still pretty sore, but what the heck. Now I have a story to tell.”

See First Giant Squid Captured Page D-5

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C-37

Grand Canyon Jump

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Motorcyclist flies high and long

Grand Canyon Jump Successful

“This was the greatest jump of my career!”

A Tacoma, Washington man has successfully jumped the Grand Canyon—well, a piece of it, anyhow.

Casey Jones has been planning the jump over a portion of the south rim for five years. Although the jump wasn’t a record breaker for length, it was for height. Jones jumped a linear distance of only 245 feet, eight feet less than the 253 foot record. However, the drop from the centerpoint of the bike’s trajectory was 1,461 feet.

Asked if it looked like a long way down from the top, Jones retorted, “I wouldn’t know. I had my eyes closed.”

Jones plans another stunt in Seattle within the next few months, though details are sketchy.

“I’ve always wanted to ride right off the roof of the Space Needle and parachute into downtown Seattle,” Jones grinned. “Maybe that one’s in my future.”

Videotape rights to the Grand Canyon jump are being sold to the highest bidder. The starting bid was $110,000.00.

“Taxes and expenses will eat the vast majority of any amount like that,” said Jones. “But it’ll still leave me with a good day’s wages.”

See Biker BASE Jumpers Page D-5

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C-38

Skydiving Raft

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Rubber Raft Floats to Earth Like a Leaf. Sort of.

Local Skydivers Take to the Raft

“It was just a lark,” said organizer Casey Jones

A number of Tacoma skydivers got together over the long weekend to have some fun.

They “abandoned ship” as it were, from 9,000 feet near Mt. Rainier, and took to the life raft.

“The raft would only fit three of us,” said Casey Jones, the man responsible for thinking up the stunt. “So we drew straws. I got to sit in the middle between Bob Hernandez and Eddie Jones. I figured I could use them as padding in case my chute didn’t open,” he chuckled.

The skydivers who weren’t in the boat spread out and deployed their chutes at about 3,000 feet. But Jones and the others stayed with the boat all the way down to 1000 feet.

“It was floating along so nicely, none of us wanted to get out.”

The raft hit the ground in a vacant field and was completely undamaged after a couple of bounces.

“We’ll use it again sometime,” said Hernandez, who was the one who shelled out the $89.95 to buy the raft at K-Mart. “That’s a quality ship.”

This was Jones’s first jump.

“I wasn’t scared,” he said. “I was tethered to Hernandez! I figured I was perfectly safe, knowing how cheap that guy is. He’d never let anything happen to that boat. It’s his most valued possession.”

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C-39

Naked Man in Carwash

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Security tape shows struggle between naked man and car-wash manager

Local Man Arrested Again for Indecent Exposure

“I just needed a shower!” claims man after stripping down in public car wash

“It’s gotten to be a crazy world,” said Doug Moore. “I have no idea what prompted this guy to take his clothes off in my car wash. He kept saying he just wanted to take a shower. As far as I could tell he hadn’t been drinking. It didn’t seem like he was on drugs. He just wanted to take a shower in my car wash. I don’t know what else to say.”

Casey Jones admitted to taking his clothes off in the car wash, and also to an altercation that took place between himself and the business manager. But, he says, there were extenuating circumstances:

“I just needed a shower,” Jones complained. “There wasn’t anybody around. There weren’t any customers. So what the hell? I was going to pay the guy. But then he had to come up and put his hands on me. Now I ask you, is that a healthy situation? A guy’s all soaped up and naked in your car wash, and you think you can just walk up to him and put your hands on him? That guy’s a (expletive) pervert. His hands were slippin’ all over the place. You never know where a man’s hands are going to end up in a situation like that. Know what I mean, Vern?”

The business manager has elected not to press trespass charges against Jones if Jones agrees not to press assault charges against him.

“We removed the man from the premises for everyone’s good,” said officer Paul Eaton. “He was cited for public indecency, but the car wash has refused to pursue a trespass complaint. We’re quite familiar with Mr. Jones. We want to see him get some help.”

Jones was cited and released after officers located his clothes under some nearby shrubbery, and he promised to keep them on, and to not trespass on the business’s property again.

See City Struggles with Increase in Deviate Behavior Page

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C-40

Big Surf Anywhere You Want it

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Local man shows talent

Biggest Surf in 40 Years Hits Washington Coast

Only the bravest and most intrepid surfers try these waves

The biggest surf in over 40 years hit the central Washington coast over the weekend, sending many to watch, few to surf.

“This is big, big stuff,” said one man who stood on the beach with board in hand—but who never went in the water.

“The sets in this part of the world come much closer together,” said Casey Jones, one of the few who did surf. “A 30 foot wave here is much more challenging than a 30 footer in the lower latitudes. This is some heart-stopping stuff out here today,” he grinned.

Casey says he’s a “mid-level” surfer, but many who called themselves experts or pros never got their feet wet, saying they “just weren’t used to conditions in this part of the world.” A prudent stance, perhaps.

The Coast Guard station at Westport publicly announced that surfing was “not advised” in current conditions. “We see very few surfers this far north,” said Petty Officer John Hanks. “We’re not really equipped to deal with emergencies involving swimmers in the surf. The beach has no lifeguards, and by the time we got a rescue 41 (footer) out there, it would almost certainly be too late.”

Those intrepids like Casey Jones said they accepted the risks.

“We’re not asking to be rescued,” he said. “We’re out here on our own, and we’ll take our chances. Thanks for the concern though!”

The mammoth conditions only lasted about six hours. When the tide changed, the seas calmed, and even the tourists went home.

See El Nino Lingers Page D-5

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C-41

Devil Beaten

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Confrontation escalates

Man Dressed as Devil Beaten

Devil Not Liked in Locally

A man showed up on the streets of downtown Seattle yesterday, dressed in a devil’s costume, holding a sign that read: “Get to Know Me! I’m Not so Bad!”

Reports vary and witnesses were scarce, but apparently the ‘devil-man’ met with vocal—then physical resistance almost immediately.

“We saw him get out of a car on 4th,” said one witness who asked not to be identified. “We figured he was going to a costume party, and we didn’t think too much of it at first. But then he held up this sign and started running around trying to hug people. People got really, really angry. The guy didn’t have a chance.”

The devil-man was identified as Casey Jones only after he checked himself into Harborview Hospital in Seattle with various cuts and abrasions, none of which were serious.

“His devil costume was kind of messed up,” said Amy Christiansen, a nurse in the ER. “But considering, he was in pretty good shape. We had to take his sign away from him. It was, uh, bothering some of the other patients. He seemed like a really nice guy otherwise,” she added.

Jones said he was just trying to make a point. It was unclear exactly what that point was. Seattle police asked the hospital to hold Mr. Jones for a psychiatric evaluation, but hospital staff said the man didn’t display behavior that was aberrant enough to suggest that he was a threat to himself or to others—after all, it was the public at large that beat him up. Jones was treated and released.

A spokesman for the Seattle police said there was no evidence of Jones having committed any crime. “But,” the spokesman said, “he’s just asking for trouble if he goes back on the streets again like that.”

Jones was last seen in an office supply store near the hospital, buying supplies with which to build a new sign.

See Religious Freedom, an American Right Page D-5

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C-42

No Life on Mars Rocks

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Photos show ALH84001, a Mars rock once thought to contain alien life

“Organisms” on Mars Rock are Life—But Not from Mars

NASA Scientists say they’ve solved riddle of Mars rock.

Scientists studying the Mars sample ALH84001 have reached a conclusion regarding whether or not it contains the fossils of alien life forms, announced Diane Freeman, spokeswoman for the NASA panel.

“We have definitely concluded the rock harbors the remains—I said remains, not fossils— of life forms,” Ms. Freeman said to a somewhat confused crowd of reporters Saturday afternoon. “The organisms are organic. They are the leftovers of carbon-based life forms. But they originated right here on Earth.”

A stunned crowd murmured their disappointment.

“As you know,” Ms. Freeman went on, “There has been considerable controversy regarding this sample. In order to get to the bottom of it once and for all, we began a trace of the sample, a very painstaking trace of its movements from the time it was discovered, until it was placed into safe keeping in our laboratory. We’ve concluded that there was only one brief period when the sample was not under complete and unbroken quarantine by the scientists who brought it back to the United States. I’ll introduce Mr. James Reavner to explain what we’ve discovered.”

“Sample ALH84001 was technically ‘exposed’ for approximately 60 to 90 seconds, in the men’s room of SeaTac Airport near Seattle,” Mr. Reavner explained. “Mr. Farquarson, the man who was actually carrying the rock in his briefcase, had entered the men’s room at this location during a brief layover of his flight to Los Angeles. At some point during his time in the men’s room, he was approached by another gentleman, a Mr. Alex Gardner—actually he was spoken to by Mr. Gardner from an adjacent stall. Mr. Gardner’s request was simple: ‘Do you have any toilet paper?’ Mr. Farquarson replied that his roll was empty as well, but that he thought he had a travel kit in his briefcase, and he would be happy to share with Mr. Gardner. Mr. Farquarson did, in fact, find some travel wipes, and he passed several to Mr. Gardner under the stall divider. While fumbling to pass the wipes, their hands touched briefly. We have discovered that what we thought was an alien life form from Mars, is actually the result of that contamination from Mr. Gardner to Mr. Farquarson in the men’s room at SeaTac Airport. It is not an alien life form at all, but a rather virulent and aggressive form, a certainly rare form of jock itch, introduced by Mr. Gardner when he brushed hands with Mr. Reavner, and Mr. Reavner then later touched the Mars sample.

We deeply regret our handling of the sample, and we deeply regret the false alarm that has spread to every corner of the planet.”

Mr. Reavner then invited questions from the reporters.

See Jobs at NASA Page D-5

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C-43

Diver Recovers Prop

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Diver shown working on removing giant propeller

Sport Diver Recovers Propeller from Steamship Sunk in 1918

Lucky Find is Diver’s Dream

A Tacoma man has located the sunken wreck of the Lithuathian-registered steamer “Edmond Horacio” which sank in a storm in Hood’s Canal in 1918. All hands were lost.

The vessel was undergoing sea trials after extensive repairs to her boilers and propeller in Seattle. A freak NE wind struck in late December, and she was forced to run her boilers at maximum pressure in order to keep herself off the lee beach at Hoodsport. One boiler blew up, and the 293 foot ship went down in about three minutes.

The exact location of the ship was sketchy, since there were few people living around Hoodsport at that time, and only one or two residents claimed to have witnessed the event. In those days, underwater salvage wasn’t common, so no one really cared where the ship was.

Casey Jones finally located the wreck in 185 feet of water this summer, and has been planning to recover the huge propeller ever since.

“We didn’t know if the prop was bronze or iron,” Jones said. “If it was iron, it was almost worthless. If it was bronze, well, then it was worth getting.”

Jones said he went back and tested the prop a few months ago, and was disappointed to find that it was black iron. But his disappointment was short-lived. A California collector of old ship memorabilia heard of the find, and offered Casey $90,000 for the prop, give or take, depending on condition.

“It turned out the prop was virtually new,” said Casey. “It had been refitted only days before in Seattle. And the black iron held up beautifully at that dark, cold, low-oxygen depth. My buyer has a gorgeous prop, and I have enough money to go find some more of them—plus the memories and experiences of having recovered this one. It couldn’t have worked out better.”

Casey worked on removing the propeller for about two weeks. The propeller shaft was tougher than he had counted on. Additionally, the prop was housed inside of a device that today is called a “Kort nozzle”. “Such a thing was unheard of in 1918,” said Casey. “Some marine engineer was way ahead of his time.”

Casey said he may return to the site from time to time to scavenge more goodies. He claims the ship’s location is a secret, known only to him.

See Treasure Hunters, Legalities and Liabilities Page

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C-44

Largest Penis in the World

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Guinness Defends Choice in Records.

Man Sues Over World Record

Kent Man Claims Damages Against Guinness

A local man has filed suit against Guinness Corporation, the company that markets the “Guinness Book of World Records”.

The Washingtonian, Casey Jones, claims in court documents that Guinness Corporation has refused to honor his claim to the largest “appendage” (penis) in the world. The suit asks for unspecified damages, alleging that the claimant (Jones) has suffered monetary damages in that his fame for holding the world record has not been properly and duly advertised due to Guinness’s decision not to record or publish the record. Mr. Jones claims that if Guinness were to publish the record, he would be recognized officially as the record-holder, and could thereby enjoy the profits that such fame would inevitably bring him.

Guinness calls the reasoning ludicrous.

Mr. Jones’s attorney states that the claim has been documented by numerous agencies, and that the size of his client’s penis is not in question.

That being the case, the attorney argues, Guinness has a moral, legal and honor-bound duty to report the record, as it has reported thousands of other records over the years, many of which were, the attorney suggests, “much more obscure than the size of the largest penis in the world. That’s something that everyone wants to know about.”

Casey Jones says he’ll gladly drop the suit if Guinness will simply give him the credit he deserves—-in print.

Hustler Magazine claims to have documented the record, as has the Multi-National-104, a self professed union and activist group for the pornography industry in the United States and France.

Both agencies agree on two measurements: one for a length of 17.3 inches fully erect, and a circumference of 9.2 inches in the same state.

Representatives from Guinness Corporation refused to examine the appendage, but suggested that “if those measurements are correct, then the thing can’t possibly be genuine, and therefore would not qualify for a record in our book anyway.”

See ‘Does Size Really Matter?’ Page

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C-45

President Clinton Felt Me Up

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Hoodsport man tells all on Oprah: Clinton Felt Me Up!

4th Sexual Harassment Lawsuit Filed Against Clinton

“I Don’t Have the Money to Continue Fighting these False Allegations,” says the Prez.

A Hoodsport man has joined the ranks of people claming to have been groped by President Clinton.

Mr. Ron Ault has filed suit in Federal Court alleging that during Clinton’s most recent visit to Seattle, in August of 2000, he was visiting his attorney in the Columbia Tower in downtown Seattle when the “assault” took place.

“I was just leaving my attorney’s office,” the claimant said, “when I saw a group of men coming down the hall. I knew the (Clinton) was in the building, but I never expected to run into him.”

Mr. Ault further states that the President stopped and said hello. Ault said hello back, because, “I didn’t know what else to do! I was so shocked at even seeing the president, let alone to have him actually stop and talk to me.”

The suit alleges that President Clinton then dismissed the Secret Service, asking them to wait down the hall. Court documents further allege that Mr. Clinton asked to speak to the victim in an unused office of the law firm.

“I didn’t know what to do except to go with him,” Ault said. “After all, he’s the president. I mean, all that power. How do you refuse a man with that much power?”

Mr. Clinton then proceeded to “grope me up one side and down the other,” states the complaint. “I just stood there and let him do it. I mean, what else could I do? I let him do whatever he wanted. I was afraid to resist. He kept calling me ‘Monica, Monica, oh Monica’. I didn’t really like that part.”

The suit has asked for seventy five million dollars as “a token restoration of Mr. Ault’s heterosexual reputation.”

“I think that’s more than fair,” said Ault’s attorney.

Mr. Clinton’s public relations liaison office issued a simple statement: “By the time they (the secret service) heard Mr. Clinton yelling for help, the claimant had already molested the President.” The Clinton team says it will counter-sue for $500 million.

See Clinton’s Harem Page D-5

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C-46

Mother of the Year

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Trophy Awarded to Local Woman

Local Mother Wins ‘Mother of the Year’

Judges Voted Unanimously—First Time in 94 Year Contest History

A three-man, two-woman panel voted unanimously today to award Washington State’s 94th “Mother of the Year” to Mrs. Casey Jones. She was chosen from a roster of over four hundred ladies, with twenty three making it as far as the finals. This is the first time in the contest’s history that the vote was unanimous.

“Mrs. Jones is the obvious choice in every sense of the word,” commented 57 year old judge Thomas Brighton. “As the contest progressed, we were all left fairly speechless. Casey’s charm was captivating, her intelligence was like a sunbeam, her beauty was utterly unsurpassed. No other contestant came close in my estimation.”

Mrs. Jones has refused several magazine offers, saying she feels the award is a solemn honor, which she doesn’t want to commercialize.

Casey’s daughter, Julia Childs, says she’s “thrilled beyond words” for her mother. “We’ve had good times and stressful times—mostly good times,” said Childs. “But Mom’s most striking beauty was always manifest in one special way: She stuck by me no matter what, no matter why, no matter when, no matter how. That is the truest expression of a character that’s as pure as gold.”

Darlene Johnson, one of the two female judges on the panel, said simply, “Casey is a Princess. Her mind is straight and her heart is true. We love her.”

See Clinton’s Harem Page D-5

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C-47

Smuggled Cuban Cigars #1

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Vessel scuttled and abandoned (left). CG searches Keys (right)

Hoard of Rare Cigars Smuggled from Cuba

“This case gets curiouser and curiouser,” say US Customs Officials. “It’s mystery heaped on intrigue.”

US Coast Guard Officials ended their search today for the occupants and crew of an old wooden luxury yacht which eluded law enforcement agencies and was finally found scuttled and abandoned in a remote area of the (Florida) Keys.

US Customs has taken over the case.

“They’re professionals,” admitted George Applegate, spokesman for the Miami office. “And they’re good.”

The whole thing began when US officials received word from certain unofficial entities within the Cuban government that a “significant” theft had been effected by unknown Americans, against a secure warehouse in Havana owned by the Castro regime. Reportedly, the thieves got away with “about twenty two tons” of “pre-Cohiba Lanceros” (cigars). It is unknown why the Castro government was holding such a large cache of such a rare product.

“It may be just a case of hoarding,” said Emile Francisca, Customs Offical. “It’s odd though, because Castro was reported to have stockpiled the ‘Trinidad’ cigar, which was reportedly one of his favorites. But why he’d be hoarding such a large quantity of these (Lanceros) is beyond us at this time.”

Indeed, the plot thickens as US officials are informed by official channels in Cuba that no such cigars ever existed in any government-owned warehouse, and, further, that no such cigars were stolen.

But US Coast Guard officials disagree: “We know the yacht docked in Cuba. We know Cuban authorities ‘interacted’ with a number of Americans. We know the yacht departed in a hurry, possibly under fire from Cuban authorities. We tried to intercept the vessel; it eluded us. These are all facts. Once we found the yacht scuttled in the Keys, it was searched, and several hundred pounds of the pre-Cohiba Lanceros were found in the hold. The evidence suggests that the yacht carried many times that amount-perhaps as much as twenty two tons. The street value of that many is almost incalculable.”

Customs has few clues in the case. They are seeking two “persons of interest”, Mr. and Mrs. Robert and Carol Jones, who are believed to have been involved in the incident. “These folks aren’t ‘suspects’ per se,” commented Customs Officials in Ft. Lauderdale. “We’re not sure exactly what their involvement was. But we are seeking them, and we do need to speak with them without delay.”

See Cigars at Sotheby’s Page

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C-48

Biker on Monorail Track

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Biker Races Monorail as it Departs Westlake

Seattle Man Arrested After Monorail Stunt

Suspect says, “I didn’t see a single “Keep Out” sign!”

Scot Hasenkamp was taken into custody without incident after he stopped on the track on the west end of the route.

Asked if it was worth it, Hasenkamp replied, “Let’s wait and see how much my bail is before we make that determination.”

See Outlaw Bikers Page

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C-49

Biker Bridge Stunt

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Risky Business

Local Daredevil Pits Skills Against Bridge

“I’ve done a lot of crazy things,” said Ault. “But this is one I won’t repeat.”

A Hoodsport man, Ron Ault, has tackled the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, and won—sort of.

Ault added the Tacoma Narrows Bridge to his growing list of accomplishments(?) this weekend, when he rode an off-road motorcycle up one of the cable stays that support the bridge. He used no safety lines. Getting down, however, proved to be a bit too much.

“You can say I beat the bridge,” said Ault, “And you can also say the bridge beat me.”

Ault’s bike was lifted up to the small walkway that ascends the cable stay by half a dozen strong friends. Then he rode straight to the top without stopping.

“I got the bike turned around at the top without too much trouble,” he said. “But, to be perfectly honest, the ride up there bugged me a little bit. I sat there looking at that long hill down, and I just sort of choked.”

Ault was helped back to the bridge deck by local firefighters and rescue personnel.

“The guy really did it all himself,” said John Burger, rescue coordinator. “We stayed with him all the way down though. We made him put on a safety harness, and we relayed the safety cables past all the handrail stanchions. It was pretty good practice for us.”

Ault was promptly arrested on the car deck, and his motorcycle was impounded.

A spokesperson for the Pierce County Sheriff’s office was quoted as saying, “This (expletive expletive) has got to stop!”

See Tacoma’s New Narrows Bridge Page

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C-50

Castro’s Gift of Cigars

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Castro Throws Gala for Friends

Fort Lauderdale Couple Given “Gift of Friendship” from Fidel

The Trinidad Cigar has Long Been Castro’s Personal Gift

A Ft. Lauderdale couple, Bob and Carol Jones, was spotted recently, hobnobbing with some of Cuba’s Elite, among them Fidel Castro himself.

“The celebration was held to honor close friends, and did not signify any political event,” said Fidel’s press secretary.

AP has learned that the Jones couple declared a rather unusual personal import upon return to the United States: roughly seven hundred pounds of cigars. And not just any cigars.

“I’m sorry this has become public knowledge,” said Mr. Jones. “It was a personal gift from Fidel, not something a gentleman boasts of or displays. I’ve known Fidel since childhood, and we’ve always been close. We’ve managed to keep our relationship out of the media, as is proper, since it’s basically none of their business. Our friendship has no basis in politics; in fact, we never even discuss the subject. We simply enjoy each other’s company. I often stop there traveling to or from Puerto Rico so as to not attract attention. I’m just very saddened that this whole thing has come to light. I offer my apologies to Fidel.”

Carol Jones commented that her husband has always enjoyed Fidel’s Trinidad cigar, and Fidel was merely showing a kindness.

“Bob didn’t care much for the Trinidad that’s being sold on the open market nowadays. Fidel still has a cache of the original cigars, and he wanted to be sure Robert had enough of them to keep him going. That’s all there is to it.”

Customs records show that the Jones’s declared nearly half a ton of the coveted Trinidads, still sealed in their original cases, and bearing the official seal of the government of Cuba.

The US State Department has refused comment on the incident, saying it knows of no political significance that should attract their attention.

The question on many Floridians’ minds now is:

Will Jones share?

See More About Ellian Page D-5

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C-51

Bears Downtown

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Local businesses visited by carnivorous patron.

Bear Finds Way to Downtown

Police, Fire, Animal Control Units Respond

A young bear found its way into the downtown area early this morning, and was cornered by law enforcement and animal control officials.

No zoo in the area reported any missing animals, and animal control personnel suggested that the bear appeared to have been living in the wild, as opposed to having come from a zoo.

“We try to never be surprised,” said one man from animal control. “But sometimes we are.”

The bear was loaded into a truck, given a complete physical, and taken to an undisclosed location.

“This bear won’t have to be put down,” said Earl Wenker, an associate at the Zoo. “He maintained his manners and didn’t eat anybody. He was just curious—and maybe hungry. He’ll be introduced back into the wild.”

Residents and business owners should sleep a little better tonight, knowing that.

See WILD ANIMALS Page D-5

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C-52

Eiffel Tower Clone

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Skyline takes on ‘European Airs’

Eiffel Tower Clone Finally Completed in Seattle

The Duwamish Isn’t Exactly the Seine River, But…

The real tower is located on the southern bank of the Seine River in France and is 300 m (984 ft) high.

Seattle’s newest skyline icon is a scale model measuring only 401 feet tall. But it’s an exact replica in every other way, and it’s an impressive addition to a booming tourist industry.

The scheme was hatched five years ago when Seattle was scrambling to improve its tourism prospects.

“The Eiffel Tower was a natural choice because it already had its own aura of popularity, and that meant minimal advertising to maximize its profile here in Seattle,” said John Barker, chief architect for the project. “Soon it will be as famous as the Space Needle, and that’s good for all of us.”

The structure, shown here ablaze with lights to celebrate the Grand Opening, will be open to general tourism in ‘about two weeks’. The fee to ride to the top, $4, is designed to ‘borrow’ a few of the Space Needle’s patrons who might already be a little miffed at the steep prices required to hitch a ride to the observation deck of the Needle.

“We don’t have a restaurant at the top of the (Eiffel) Tower,” said Joline Carter, official spokeswoman for the project. “What we do have is history. The Eiffel Tower is one of the richest historical icons in the world. That gives it an undeniable romance. And now we can experience a little of that culture and mystique right here in our own backyard.”

More information on Seattle’s new baby can be found at http://www.eiffel-towers-r-us.com. .

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C-53

Moon Out of Orbit

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Scientists Closely Monitor Situation

Recent Astronomical Alignments Alter Moon’s Orbit

Scientists Call Situation “Serious”, but Not Time to Panic

NASA astronomers disclosed today that, according to calculations from scientists around the world, Earth’s moon may be tracking in an altered orbit.

John Simpson, Chief of Astronomy for NASA’s interest at Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona, reported that scientists in some circles have become “concerned”.

“We’re able to calculate trajectories (orbits) for celestial bodies going back many thousands of years. That’s never been at issue,” he said. “And we can extrapolate orbits, movements and alignments for celestial bodies far into the future. That’s not a problem, either. Based on those simple calculations, we’ve always known that in terms of any foreseeable future, none of the heavenly bodies that could affect our lives on Earth, would change their courses. We’ve always been comfortable with that. But what we haven’t taken into consideration, however, was the possibility that repeated alignments of certain bodies could have a cumulative effect on other, otherwise stable bodies. In other words, let’s say that once every million years, a number of large bodies have a tendency to line up in a certain way. That alignment exerts abnormal gravitational pulls on other bodies, which tends to shift their orbits very, very slightly. The changes are so slight that they’ve never been a concern to us. What we’re realizing now, however,” Mr. Simpson continued, “is that, in the past thousand years, our solar system has endured about a dozen of those abnormal astronomical alignments. That means that those very small orbit-changing forces have, cumulatively, become fairly large and significant forces. The immediate result has been that our (Earth’s) moon has sustained a ‘significantly altered orbit’.”

The long and the short of it is that (a) scientists don’t know exactly how far out of whack the moon has been pushed, and won’t know to any degree of accuracy for one to two months. And, (b), even if the moon’s course change has been large, few scientists can agree on exactly what that means for Earth.

“This is the biggest point of contention among scientists in anyone’s memory,” Simpson said.

According to a poling of astronomers, predictions, ranging from best case to worst case scenarios, run something like this: Best case: The Earth’s rotation will be slowed over the next eleven years, meaning that a 24 hour day will become 24 hours and 23 minutes. Worst case: Within four years, the Earth’s rotation will be slowed so that a 24 hour day will be more like 26.3 hours. Nights will become very long, but so will days. Nights will be colder, days will be warmer. In either case, violent weather will be likely, and no estimates of crop and ecological upheaval are even available as yet.

See Ocean Currents Running Rampant Page D-5

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C-54

Second Mars Face

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NASA Plate shows “unidentified” symmetrical pattern

Second Face Discovered on Mars Surface?

NASA Scientists Discredit Interpretation

NASA scientists and astronomers met behind closed doors today in Seattle, to presumably prepare a collective statement regarding the claim that a second “face” has been discovered on the Mars surface.

“It was there all the time,” said Bill Slokum, proponent of the notion that certain symmetrical patterns represent a face. “We just needed the plates that showed it under the proper lighting conditions. We were sure when the first face was seen,” continued Slokum. “But when we obtained new plates through the freedom of information act, and saw the new pattern east of the original, then we knew we were really on to something. This is one of the plates NASA didn’t want you to see, ladies and gentleman. It’s up to the people to ask them why.”

James Andersen, a veteran of many Mars probe projects, was selected by the elite group as temporary spokesman while in Seattle.

“I can state categorically,” said Andersen, “That this new area of random rock formations is just that and nothing more—random rock formations. There is no possible way anyone could interpret the images as representative of anything more.”

Slokum says his group expects to receive more previously unreleased NASA Mars plates. “We’ll see what we see then,” he concluded.

See Manned Mission Finally on Docket Page D-5

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C-55

BASE Jumper #2

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Police tackle BASE jumper upon touchdown from stunt

Base Jumper Apprehended

Police, Fire Units Respond

Well known local daredevil and adventurer Billy Wilson got a surprise Saturday afternoon when he BASE jumped (parachuted) from the roof of a high rise building in downtown Seattle. Police were waiting for him to touch down.

“I’ve BASED about 90 buildings across the country,” says an angry Wilson. “I’ve been arrested about twenty times out of all those jumps. But I’ve never been beaten like I was on Saturday! That was ridiculous!”

A team of “about twenty” SPD officers were alerted to Wilson’s stunt, and had assembled at the most likely landing area on 4th and Union.

Witnesses reported that Wilson touched down, and then immediately put his hands in the air as a token of surrender.

“Then the cops just charged him like it was a football game,” said a bystander.

Bob Charlen, a senior Detective with SPD, said that he couldn’t comment formally on the case until all the facts were in, but it appeared that Wilson “had made a threatening move”, and that was the motivation for the police team to tackle him.

Wilson said, “It’s ironic—the jumps are always perfectly safe. It’s the landing parties that’re going to kill me.”

See DAREDEVILS, A New Breed, Page D-5

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C-56

Eaten by Sewer Crocs

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Graphic Photo Shows Remains Inside Croc

Crocodile Found in Seattle Sewer

“We’ve seen babies (crocs) over the years, but this is a first!” Say Animal Control Officials

A Seattle man, Casey Jones, got a surprise Saturday afternoon when he and a friend encountered a full grown crocodile in a Seattle sewer system near Alki Beach. The two were beachcombing and exploring a sewage outfall when they made the discovery.

“We found a big hole (tunnel) that was covered by brush, and we just went in,” said Jones. “We were in maybe a quarter mile and we were just talking about turning around and heading back out because our flashlight was getting kind of dim. Then we heard a scraping sound, and when we turned around, there was this big (expletive) thing. It was like straight out of a science fiction movie. We just ran like hell.”

Animal control officials responded with Seattle Police for backup.

“It took almost no time at all to locate the lizard,” said an SPD spokesperson. “And the animal was ‘dispatched’ without delay.”

In actuality, the animal was shot seven times with a Remington .338 magnum rifle before it was pronounced dead at the scene. It was then hauled from the pipe and examined by the King County Coroner’s office. That’s when the grizzly discovery was made.

“Yes,” responded Jeff Goldwin, assisting the coroner’s team. “We did find the remains of a partially digested Caucasian male, in his late twenties or early thirties. I can’t comment beyond that at this time.”

Off the record, authorities indicated the remains may be that of a homeless man who was reported missing by a companion only a few hours before. “It all fits,” said an official who asked not to be identified. “The victim was still recognizable; he hadn’t been in there long.”

A search will be conducted to see if there are any more giant crocs in Seattle’s sewers. Authorities say they can’t even begin to speculate as to where this one could have come from. The grating that normally blocks the entrance to the outfall was repaired.

See Bats in the Belfry at the Capitol Page D-5

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C-57

Record Fish Caught

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Record African Pompano hangs on hoist in San Juan, Puerto Rico

It’s a Boy!

New record for African Pompano—52 Lbs., 8 Oz.

No one seems to know if it’s a boy or not, nor does anyone care.

All that matters is that it’s BIG.

How big?

Big enough to usurp the world record from Tom Sargent, whose 50 lb., 8 oz. beauty had held it since Apr. 21, 1990.

Casey Jones was charter fishing out of San Juan when he hooked the monster.

Casey said he was actually fishing for Barracuda, but will take the win anyhow.

He hasn’t yet decided if he’ll have the fish mounted.

“It would be a crime not to (have it mounted),” commented charter skipper Martin Fredrico. His company has offered to have the mounting done for free (in exchange for honorable mention in the record books).

Mr. Jones said catching the fish was the most fun he’d had in years.

“I’ll definitely be back!” said Casey.

See “Forty Fathoms” Page D-5

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C-58

Valentine’s Day Gag

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Can’t afford a trip to Rio? There are other ways to say you care!

Seattle Man Puts it All on the Line for Love

“I Wanted to Do Something Really Special.”

A Seattle man, Casey Jones, said he wanted to take his Valentine to Rio De Janeiro for Valentine’s Day. But there was a problem.

“Do you have any idea how much it costs to fly to Rio?” he said.

So he decided to do something that turned out to be far more special than a trip to Brazil. He told the world he loved her.

Casey’s public proclamation began about 9:00 a.m. in the downtown area. He strolled through the crowds until late afternoon.

“Everybody loved it,” said Jones. “I’ve never received so many compliments—and propositions-in my life!”

Casey had arranged it so that his Valentine, Maria Walker, would run into him as she was doing some shopping downtown after work. He thought it would be quite a surprise, and hopefully a treat for her to see his love expounded in such a manner. But Maria was unexpectedly given the day off, and had done her shopping miles away.

“I still don’t regret it,” Casey admitted. “I just hope somebody got a picture! Maybe you guys will print this story, and I’ll be able to prove to her what I did!”

Well, Casey’s heroism can’t go unrewarded. There’s none more worthy cause than Love.

So here’s to you, Casey Jones! We hope your girl’s impressed!

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C-59

Penis Squats in the Olympics

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Local man demonstrates peculiar “talent”

Man Sues to Include Bizarre Event in Olympics

Olympic Spokesman: “This is the Most Ridiculous Request We’ve Ever Encountered.”

A Seattle man, Casey Jones, has filed suit in Federal court to attempt to force the International Olympics Committee to accept a peculiar and, some say, offensive “event” into the Olympics Games.

Harvey Schroeder, spokesman for the Olympic Committee, says, “This is absurd. Holding up a barbell with an erect penis can in no way be considered either a talent or a feat—it’s just disgusting. There’s no way Mr. Jones can win a frivolous suit like this. He’s wasting our time, and the court’s time.”

But Casey Jones’s attorney maintains a different viewpoint:

“I could make a long and eloquent case for my client,” said James Whitters, attorney. “But let’s just cut to the quick of it: If Synchronized Swimming is worthy of the Olympics, so is this.”

Mr. Jones says he doesn’t know why there’s even a controversy. “The Olympics have long revered weight lifting as one of the purest forms of competition. Athletes lift with their arms, their legs, their biceps, their abs—I lift with a particular muscle that I’ve developed and honed for this specific event. Are the Olympic judges going to propose to make a list of the muscles an athlete can and cannot use in any competition? I don’t think so!”

The case is scheduled for early next year.

Mr. Jones says he has high hopes for winning the suit.

Conversely, Mr. Schroeder says he has high hopes that Mr. Jones will be hit by a truck between now and the trial date.

See ‘Penis Squats- A Woman’s Perspective’ Page D-5

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C-60

Stuck Bottle

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Local Man Suffers More Embarrassment than Injury

You got a bottle stuck WHERE?

“I don’t usually do things like this,” says patient.

A local hair stylist, Casey Jones, of 8th Ave. Barbers in Seattle, was admitted to Harborview Hospital in Seattle over the weekend complaining of “rectal pain”.

“He came in with a blanket draped around him and walking ‘real funny’,” said a hospital nurse who asked not to be identified. “We didn’t know what we were dealing with until— until we got the blanket off of him. He didn’t want to give it up, either,” the nurse laughed.

Jones said he was at a party “just horsing around with friends, you know.” One thing led to another, and before Jones realized it, he had a problem.

“We tried everything,” said Jones. “It just wouldn’t come out. At one point some of the guys got kind of rough. They were afraid they might have to call 911, and no one wanted to do that. So they started trying all sorts of stuff to get it out.”

“They seemed like good guys at the time. They worked on it for, oh, a couple of hours. Finally there was nothing left but to come on in [to the ER].”

Jones’s friends put him in the back seat of a car and drove him to the hospital. They helped him out of the car at the ER entrance, and got the blanket around him.

“They helped me figure out how to walk. They pointed me at the doors. Then they ran like hell. They’re all a bunch of bastards.”

The wine bottle was successfully extracted from the patient around 3:00 a.m. He received an undisclosed number of sutures in an undisclosed location, and was sent home face-down in the back seat of a taxi.

Said one nurse, “We offered to bag up the bottle for him in case he wanted it as a souvenir, but he said that was in ‘the poorest possible taste’, and he stomped out. Imagine that.”

Seattle PD says it has no evidence that any crime was committed, so it will not become involved in the incident.

See Mayor Cracks Down on Deviates Page D-5

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C-61

Woman chased by bear

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Local businesses visited; woman chased

Bear Finds Way to Downtown

Police, Fire, Animal Control Units Respond

A young bear found its way into the downtown area early this morning, and was cornered by law enforcement and animal control officials between Wall and Vine streets, on 4th Avenue.

No zoo in the area reported any missing animals, and animal control personnel suggested that the bear appeared to have been living in the wild, as opposed to having come from a zoo.

One woman, unaware of the bear’s presence, came out of a shop along 4th Ave. and came almost face to face with the animal.

Said Arlene Richardson, “It took a long time for it to register. I thought at first I was seeing things. Then I thought it was someone in a bear costume. Then the police started yelling at me to go back inside, and I realized it was really there. I don’t know why I did it. I suppose I panicked. But I just started running.”

And the bear followed-at least as far as Vine St., where SPD officers jumped in between Ms. Richardson and her pursuer, and turned the animal back.

Shortly after that, police set up a perimeter while animal control distracted the animal long enough for a zoo veterinarian to dart it. The bear did not immediately ‘go to sleep’ however, and spectators were kept out of the area until it was cleared sometime after 7 a.m..

“We try to never be surprised,” said one man from animal control. “But sometimes we are.”

The bear was loaded into a truck, given a complete physical, and taken to an undisclosed location.

“This bear won’t have to be put down,” said Earl Wenker, an associate at the Zoo. “He maintained his manners and didn’t eat anybody, though, perhaps, not for lack of trying. I think he was just curious—and maybe hungry. He’ll be introduced back into the wild.”

Residents and business owners should sleep a little better tonight, knowing that.

See WILD ANIMALS Page D-5

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C-62

More critters come to town

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Local businesses visited by tall, handsome patron.

Giraffe Finds Way to Shopping Mall

Police, Fire, Animal Control Units Respond

A young bear found its way into the downtown area early this morning, and was cornered by law enforcement and animal control officials between Wall and Vine streets, on 4th Avenue.

No zoo in the area reported any missing animals, and animal control personnel suggested that the bear appeared to have been living in the wild, as opposed to having come from a zoo.

One woman, unaware of the bear’s presence, came out of a shop along 4th Ave. and came almost face to face with the animal.

And the bear followed-at least as far as Vine St., where SPD officers jumped in between Ms. Richardson and her pursuer, and turned the animal back.

“We try to never be surprised,” said one man from animal control. “But sometimes we are.”

The bear was loaded into a truck, given a complete physical, and taken to an undisclosed location.

Residents and business owners should sleep a little better tonight, knowing that.

See “CIRCUS” Page

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C-63

Female Flasher

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Local woman arrested in string of public exposure complaints.

Break in Flasher Case

Suspect Identified in Seven Incidents

A local woman was arrested this morning in connection with a rash of public indecency complaints that ranged from Seattle to Tacoma over the past month.

Shanna Agosto was arraigned and released on $25,000 bond, hours after she was apprehended in the Queen Ann district of Seattle.

Three women and four men identified Agosto in a total of seven cases where the defendant allegedly approached groups of two or three people in broad daylight, and exposed her breasts.

She kept saying, “Poly want a cracker; Poly want a cracker” said one witness who asked not to be identified. “She just kept saying that while she shook her breasts in the air. Several people saw it. Then she ran away giggling.”

A Kent man told police that the suspect walked up to him as he left a local restaurant with his wife, and opened her blouse, singing, “I gotta be me”, and making her breasts move with the lyrics.

The district attorney’s office claims this particular crime is on the rise in western Washington.

“We’ve seen this offense almost double over the past two years,” said Earl Johnston, assistant city attorney. “Maybe it’s an MTV thing—too many whackos watching Tom Green or something.”

Psychiatric therapy to curb this behavior has not proven overly effective in the past, says Dr. Thomas Baldwin, a professor of psychiatry at Western Washington University. “This type of deviate simply enjoys this activity too much, and they’re not put off by relatively light sentences.”

One victim’s wife told reporters candidly that she planned some retribution against Agosto. “If I had been there,” the wife continued, “I’d have slapped that girl silly. These people need to be locked away. Enough is enough.”

Shanna Agosto’s attorney did not return our calls.

See Girls Can be DEVIATES Too Page D-5

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C-64

Blimp Crash

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Advertising Blimp Crashes; 2nd Blimp Circles

Blimp “Lands” on Monorail

“It was a ‘precautionary’ landing,” says Pilot

Authorities arrived only seconds after a small advertising blimp “landed” on the Monorail tracks in downtown Seattle yesterday morning. Both tracks of the Monorail were tied up for over two hours while the wreckage, mostly thin, rubberized fabric, was removed.

“Of course the power to the tracks had to be shut down,” commented SPD officer John Williams. “The fabric that thing’s made of is really unwieldy. It was hard to work with, and there’s more of it, square-yard speaking, than we imagined.”

It was quickly ascertained that no one was injured in the crash/landing. There was only one man aboard, the pilot, Mr. Frank Zurflu.

“It was a miscalculation,” admitted Zurflu, a Vietnam veteran pilot with 3300 hours flying lighter-than-air craft under his belt. “I simply didn’t keep the envelope inflated. I lost lift, and couldn’t get it back up in time. I saw that I was going down, so I chose a spot that seemed unlikely to hurt anyone.”

Apparently two blimps were flying in the area as a promotional stunt. The other airship, also a one-man advertising craft, experienced no difficulties, and circled low over the crash site in case it could be of assistance.

“I couldn’t figure out what he was doing,” commented the pilot of the second craft, Bill Hasenkamp. “I was watching him. We were both over by the Space Needle. It looked like his blimp was just getting softer and softer; flaccid, really. A blimp has to stay pretty firm to be controllable. The guy had plenty of time to save it. I just don’t know why he didn’t. Of course,” said Hasenkamp, smiling, “this isn’t exactly the first time that company crashed a blimp. You never want to let your blimp go limp,” he said, chuckling.

Indeed, that seems like good advice.

Ownership of the blimp could not be confirmed at press time. Our calls have not been returned.

See ‘When the Going Gets Tough’ Page D-5

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C-65

Wild Animals Come to Town

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Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

“Western Washington is seeing an unusual increase in wild animal activity,” says John Werner, spokesman for the Department of Natural Resources. “It’s uncharacteristic of the region, and of the animals. At this time, we just don’t know why it’s occurring.”

Wild animal reports from concerned citizens have increased 740% over last year, say authorities. Mountain lions have been among the worst offenders. Bears come in second.

“It’s partly due to a reduction in trapping,” Mr. Werner admitted. “Today’s

society is somewhat anti-trapping, but they also don’t like the consequences of reduced trapping-namely, increased animal activity in their neighborhoods.”

Redmond animal control units have responded to twenty six reports of bears in yards, in garbage cans and even in garages just since the first of the year. There have been two attacks which were not fatal.

The bear shown above was captured and released unharmed yesterday when it began prowling a business complex early in the morning.

Some animal behavioral scientists suggest the trend will continue, reaching “amazing proportions”,

Cont’d D-5

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C-66

Balloon Man

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“Balloon Man” touches down in parking lot

NOT AGAIN!

Local Man Flies from Westport to Seattle

It was July 2, 1982 when truck driver Larry Walters strapped 45 helium balloons to his new Sears lawn chair in Southern California and slipped the surly bonds of earth. He got cold at 16,000 feet and used his BB gun to shoot out a few of the balloons, thereby facilitating his descent. It was the craziest stunt anyone had ever heard of.

Until now.

Seattle man Casey Jones decided to try his own luck at balloon gliding, so he copied many of Walters’ techniques, and sent himself aloft at Westport, Washington, using nearly as many balloons as Walters did in 1982. Jones didn’t use a chair, but just hung, suspended from a climbing harness.

The 43 year old insurance salesman rose straight into the heavens and was spirited away on a rare Southwest wind that blew him straight across the county and into a labyrinth of skyscrapers in downtown Seattle. How high did Casey go?

“I had an altimeter that I bought from the Army/Navy surplus a week before. According to it, I only hit about 11,400 feet,” said Casey.

Not quite as high as Mount Rainier—but close enough.

Casey encountered the same trouble Walters had—cold, hypoxia, and fear.

“Naw, I wasn’t really scared,” said Jones. “Well, yeah, I guess I was.”

Jones did admit that he got the idea from Walters. “That guy has always been my hero,” Jones confided.

Jones was buffeted in swirling air currents all throughout the downtown area, where he says he brushed by “all sorts of buildings”, sometimes up around the 20th and 30th floors.

“You can’t believe what you can see in those offices,” says an astonished Casey. “I think I want to try high-rise window washing now.”

The local office of the FAA in Seattle said it wasn’t sure if old Larry Walters was ever fined for his intrusion into restricted airspace, but a spokesman said the office was sure that Mr. Jones would be.

“And,” commented one FAA investigator who asked not to be identified, “we’re not even sure our calculators can add that high!”

See Crazy Human Tricks Page D-5

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C-67

Bizarre Traffic Lights

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First man cited for not obeying new traffic signal

New Traffic Lights Arrive Ahead of Schedule

City Council in Uproar Due to Cost Overruns

Seattle is the first city to receive and implement the newest state-of-the-art traffic signals. Eleven more are scheduled to be in place by the end of summer.

The decision to purchase the units, costing roughly $213,000 each, has met with some criticism. “But overall,” says City Councilman Bob Brown, “it’s a positive step.”

The lights, manufactured by a Polish firm, are touted as being the best of the best.

“These lights will save lives in intersections,” argues Phil Blander, a member of the team hired by the City of Seattle to study the plausibility of the new controls. “Each lane of traffic will see three separate banks of lights. Each light in each bank is synchronized to show the same colors at the appropriate times, except for the turn-lanes, which will see two yellows always, then the pertinent red or green depending on conditions. It’s a masterpiece of technology, really.”

But opponents cite numerous fatalities in test cities overseas, in which motorists were so confused by the ungainly array of changing lights, that they made inappropriate decisions and caused accidents. There have also been cases in which the lights malfunctioned, and displayed the wrong colors at the wrong times, causing more wrecks.

“We deeply regret those instances,” says City Councilman Earl Jones. “But when you want progress, when you want to make an omelet, you’re going to have to break some eggs. This (new system) will be worth it in the long run.”

Drivers are already furious about the new contraptions. Casey Jones was the first to be ticketed for not obeying the light on 5th Ave.

“I had no idea what to do!” fumed Jones. “I couldn’t tell which light was mine. I couldn’t tell if I was supposed to stop or go! And then they give me a $77 citation for running a red light! I don’t think that cop could tell which light I was supposed to obey either! This is ridiculous!”

Seattle authorities remain stalwart in their decision to implement the new signals.

“We know what we’re doing,” commented one city council-woman. “The public just has to trust us.”

See ‘City De-Criminalizes “Jay” Walking’ Page D-5

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C-68

Head-on Car Crash Kills

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Semi and car burn after head-on. Local man loses life.

Man Dies in Blazing Head-On

Car and Tractor-Trailer Collide

A Beaverton man has died in a fiery head-on collision involving an auto and a semi tractor-trailer rig on route 10 near Hazeldale Tuesday night. Sheriff’s office officials said it did not appear that alcohol was a factor in the crash.

John Buckman, driver of the truck, is listed in critical condition with third degree burns to 50% of his body. Buckman’s rig was carrying 42,000 pounds of paint thinner which ignited upon impact.

Passersby pulled Buckman from the burning truck but were unable to help Casey Jones, who was pronounced dead at the scene.

A Sheriff’s office spokesman, Brian Billane said, “It appears the tractor-trailer suffered a blow-out of the left front steering tire and crossed the [center] line, striking the Jones vehicle head-on. That’s preliminary and will have to be confirmed by investigators.”

The truck driver was not cited but the investigation will continue.

Jones, 48, employed in Internet Marketing, is survived by unspecified family.

See Airbag Improvements Page D-5

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C-69

Pacific Bridge

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New bridge scheduled for completion in mid 2006

Pacific Bridge Progress Ahead of Schedule

Airlines Fear Loss of Revenue; Call Span “Unfair Competition”

Project authorities announced today that the “Pacific Bridge” project (sometimes referred to as the Pacific Span) is ahead of schedule and under budget—good news for taxpayers.

“We expect to see traffic flowing from Coos Bay to Hawaii in mid 2005,” said Paul Kimble, chief architect for the project. “We’re very pleased with our progress, and we think we can maintain the pace through completion.”

Constance Construction, the primary contractor on the project, openly admits that the rapid progress has been due to “irregular” weather—meaning lighter winds and fewer winter storms than normal, a possible side-effect of global warming.

“Weather is critical to a floating span,” said Mr. Kimble. “The calmer the ocean, the faster we can fit floating span segments, and the more miles we can cover each week.”

The toll for the bridge is expected to be hefty—perhaps as high as $250 for one car and two occupants, each way. Still, major US airlines are calling foul on the Federal Government, citing ‘unfair competition’.

“We need a certain reliable flow of consumers to keep our trans-Pacific flights operating,” lamented Jane Hellings, spokesperson for a conglomeration of airline-oriented corporations. “We’re concerned that this (new bridge) is going to leech customers away from the air travel market, which will ultimately cause some of those carriers to fail and collapse. We don’t feel the Federal Government has any business funding projects that compete with us—and this bridge is a blatant example of direct competition.”

Government officials counter that the bridge has been needed for decades, and that construction is for the greater public good, and therefore warranted.

In any case, Pacific Island Real Estate values are expected to soar, while tourism in the Coos Bay area is expected to increase by as much as ten thousand percent within two years of the completion of the bridge.

“This is America’s ‘Chunnel’,” commented Senator Bill Campbell. “England has its great historical bookmark, which is the tunnel under the English Channel from the UK to France. Now we (Americans) have something just as romantic and impressive in our resume.

See End of an Era? Page

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C-70

Sea Monster Caught

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SCUBA Divers struggle to photograph sea creature

Bizarre Sea Creature Caught

“It’s about time we got some hard evidence!”

“Between ourselves, and various law enforcement agencies in the state, we log around 1100 reports of strange or bizarre sea creatures in Washington State each year. Most are reported in salt water, but many claims come from sightings in fresh water, as well,” explained Darcia Melbourne, with Washington’s Department of Fisheries. “Virtually every single one of those reports can be explained away as…logs, seals, debris, flotsam, garbage, you name it. Never once have we been able to get hard data (the creature itself) for study and corroboration. This (catch) is just spellbinding. It’s the most exciting thing I’ve run across in my career—it’s the most exciting find I’ve ever heard of in the field of marine biology.”

Numerous scientists and experts seem to mirror Ms. Melbourne’s enthusiasm.

“The most persuasive aspect of this whole case is that the creature was alive when first submitted to us,” said Jon Bolero, with the University of Washington Marine Biology Department. “That rules out any kind of fraud—unless the prankster has the gift of life, and that’s doubtful. This is a real creature. And we haven’t got a clue what it is.”

Three SCUBA divers spotted, photographed and then captured the critter while sport diving at Edmond’s Underwater Park.

“Sure, we were terrified,” admitted Casey Jones, one of the trio. “But this….this was something you just can’t pass up. This is the catch of a lifetime-of three lifetimes. We just can’t believe it!”

Scientists speculated openly on the creature’s features, namely, the human-looking ears on both sides of its head.

“We won’t know what we’ve got until we get in there,” commented one expert, (meaning when an autopsy is performed), “And that will be a ways down the road.”

The creature is being frozen at the U of W, and will be made available to researchers around the world.

See Sport Divers, Page D-5

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C-71

Earthquake #1

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Buildings Left Askew in Wake of Quake

Major Earthquake Hits City!

State Under “State of Emergency”.

At 10:55 A.M. a magnitude 7.0 earthquake struck the Seattle area, centered 11 miles Northeast of Olympia at the apex of Nisqually Valley Delta and Puget Sound.

Damage is reported as extensive and at least 12 are hospitalized.

Western Washington has been placed under a state of emergency.

Police and fire resources are strained.

Sea-Tac Airport is closed until further notice, and highway traffic in and out of the area is limited.

Telephone outages are widespread, with cell capabilities being completely overwhelmed, and hard-wire telephone service being heavily strained.

Many downtown buildings have sustained structural damage, and at least two search and rescue operations were underway inside collapsed buildings at press time.

The Pioneer Square area of Seattle seems to have sustained the worst damage, being home to most of the area’s oldest buildings.

See Related Story Page D-5

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C-72

Earthquake #2

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Buildings Left Askew in Wake of Quake

Major Earthquake Hits City!

State Under “State of Emergency”.

At 10:55 A.M. a magnitude 7.0 earthquake struck the Seattle area, centered 11 miles Northeast of Olympia at the apex of Nisqually Valley Delta and Puget Sound.

Damage is reported as extensive and at least 12 are hospitalized.

Western Washington has been placed under a state of emergency.

Police and fire resources are strained.

Sea-Tac Airport is closed until further notice, and highway traffic in and out of the area is limited.

Telephone outages are widespread, with cell capabilities being completely overwhelmed, and hard-wire telephone service being heavily strained.

Many downtown buildings have sustained structural damage, and at least two search and rescue operations were underway inside collapsed buildings at press time.

The Pioneer Square area of Seattle seems to have sustained the worst damage, being home to most of the area’s oldest buildings.

See Related Story Page D-5

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C-73

Monorail Jumps Track

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Aftermath of Monorail Accident on 5th Ave.

Seattle Monorail Jumps Track

23 Injured in Bizarre Crash

23 passengers were injured, 4 critically, Sunday afternoon when the Seattle Monorail jumped its track and plunged 38 feet to the pavement below.

Mike Walker, spokesman for the Seattle Center, said the accident is under investigation. “At this point, we have nothing to offer (the media),” said Walker. “We have crews en route the scene, and we’re trying to get a chance to speak with the operator. We just don’t have a clue what could have caused this.”

“It just fell off!” observed Marcia Moore, a witness who was walking on the sidewalk on 5th Ave., almost directly below the monorail tracks. “I heard it coming, and, you know, you always tend to look up to watch it pass. I was looking right at it. It seemed like it started to bounce or hop a few times, then it just started leaning sideways. And then it just fell over on its side, all the way down to the street. Sparks were flying. I guess it hit that SUV down there.”

The street was immediately flooded with patrons of local businesses as they ran from the shops.

“We figured it was an earthquake,” said Adam Laskey. “We heard a rumbling, then everything started shaking. Then there was an incredible crash. Just incredible.”

Police arrived within seconds and cordoned off the area. In the middle of it all they found Casey Jones, a passerby, pulling people from the inside of the train.

“He was like a human dynamo,” admitted SPD Officer Paul Neilson. “There was this guy in the middle of all this mayhem—people screaming and clamoring over one another trying to get out of the train. There was smoke and fumes from burning wires. When we (SPD) got there, you couldn’t even see inside the (monorail) cars. But this guy, Jones, was in there just shoveling people out. The last person he brought out was a seven year old girl. When the firemen tried to take her from him, he wouldn’t let her go. Then he showed the EMT’s that he was plugging a severed artery in her neck with his finger. He rode all the way to the hospital with her, and kept his finger there until the doctors could get a clamp on the artery. He collapsed at the hospital from exhaustion, but they say he’ll be okay. You gotta respect a guy like that!”

At press time Harborview had admitted 23 injured.

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C-74

Meteor Shower to Cause Damage Locally

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Is this the “Big One”? Astronomers Say No

“Significant” Meteor Shower Headed for US

“We do expect at least minor damage.”

Scientists are unanimous: This is not the big one. So say observers and astronomers at the Lowell Observatory outside of Flagstaff, Arizona.

“We’re in for a ‘significant’ event,” admits Jane Armstrong, NASA spokesperson. “This is not the end of the world; we certainly need to stress that. It’s possible that this event will come and pass almost unnoticed. But it’s also possible that we’ll see some considerable damage if they (meteors) strike in populated areas.”

The whole thing started nearly a week ago when observers around the world began tracking a batch of “rogue” meteors on a collision course with Earth.

“The fact that we spotted them at all is just luck,” explained Ms. Armstrong. “This particular batch is too small to be ‘looked for’. But many of these objects are certainly large enough to be a bona fide threat to human safety in the impact areas.”

Current estimates put the number of projectiles at “several hundred”, ranging in size from dust, which won’t even make it through the atmosphere, to pebble-size pieces of rock, to basket-ball sized chunks.

“People tend not to be afraid of something the size of a basketball,” said Eric Steiner, NASA astronomer. “But even very small pieces, traveling at extreme velocities, say, 40 miles per second, bring with them the energy of much larger artifacts. For instance, you might compare the impact of a golf ball sized rock at very high velocities, to a rock the size of an apartment building, traveling at the speed of a modern jet.”

Astronomers around the world are calculating furiously to pinpoint the areas of impact. Estimates may vary slightly in the next few days, but at present the impact area includes about 50 square miles roughly ten miles southeast of Seattle. This would include the city of Renton, and possibly Kent.

The meteors are expected to impact between 3:30 p.m. and 9:00 p.m. on Thursday.

Radio and television will broadcast upgraded estimates as they become available.

Evacuation of the affected areas will be mandatory, and will be enforced by the local Sheriff’s offices, WSP, and the United States National Guard.

See Kecksburg Sighting Page D-5

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C-75

Fortean Blobs

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Car covered with “white slime”

Another Dousing of So-Called “FORTEAN Blobs”

County subjected to pelting for four hours; analysis shows substance similar to other cases.

King County was subjected to a pelting of white, slimy globules that fell from the sky for nearly four hours on Wednesday. Scientists have come to refer to the phenomenon as “FORTEAN Globs”, which have been reported for at least a century. Most reports have come from the western United States, however other instances include cases in France, Germany, Italy and the Scandinavian countries. The European cases involved slime which was brown, green or blue in color. None of the latter cases was ever subjected to scientific scrutiny, as were the samples that have been collected since 1994 in Washington State.

The Washington State Department of Ecology was the first official agency to properly study the phenomenon in October of 1994, after the Oakville, Washington area suffered a colossal covering on two separate occasions. In that instance, motorists in the region were brought to a halt when the white slime covered their windshields and could not be removed by conventional means. Several Oakville police cars were rendered immobile while officers struggled to clear their windshields. “It was like glue,” commented one patrolman. “The more you tried to wipe it, the stickier it got. After awhile we couldn’t even peal the windshield wipers away from the glass.”

The goo is blamed for the deaths of numerous pets in half a dozen counties; the smallest animals seem to be the most susceptible. Humans have become quite ill after touching the globs, though no human fatalities have been reported.

Scientists with the Washington State Department of Ecology who studied the Oakville samples say the globs are made up of living animal cells. “Some large, some small, and all except one, unidentifiable”. The one cell type that has been identified in the slime is human. Curiously, however, those cells are only the white cells, and none of those cells contained the cell nuclei.

“We have no explanation at all for that fact,” said Mike Osweiler, with Washington’s hazardous materials unit.

The blobs that blanketed King County on Wednesday appear to be the very same substance. Citizens are warned not to touch the globules, and to stay indoors when they are falling.

See Best Guesses Page D-5

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C-76

Organ Thieves

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Doctors keep vigil over local man

“Organ Harvesters” Strike Again

Seventh Case in as Many Months

A local man hovers between life and death after being assaulted by “organ harvesters”— the seventh incident in nearly as many months, in four states.

Ho Sing, a 34 year old warehouse worker, was found in his own bed in critical condition Thursday morning when he failed to report for work. His eyes and one kidney had been crudely removed.

“The (thieves) took the organs in a rough and hasty procedure,” said ER surgeon Dr. Donald Walker. “They made a half hearted attempt at closing (the incisions of) Mr. Sing after the, uh, operation, but it appeared as though they didn’t really care if he lived or died.”

“There have been a lot of rumors flying around-‘local legend’ kinds of things,” admitted Sgt. Adam Laskey with the Pierce Co. Sheriff’s office. But we’ve only documented the three cases locally. We’re hoping this isn’t the beginning of a trend.”

It’s believed that several foreign factions are responsible for the organ thefts. “These groups generally anesthetize an entire household by pumping various gases into a structure after a family is asleep,” continued Sgt. Laskey. “It’s silent and effective. Then they’re free to enter the home at will, knock the victim out with an injection, and remove whatever organs they feel they can sell to desperate recipients. Often they botch the removal and the organ is wasted, and often they can’t find a recipient with matching tissue types, and the organ is wasted. There is no crime more dumb than this.”

Three fatalities are associated with this bizarre crime; four more victims languish with near mortal injuries.

See Need for Organ Donors on Rise Page D-5

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C-77

Stock Market Crash

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Floor Frantic in Wake of Slump

Stocks Slump; Emergency Actions Invoked

A Few Markets Hit Lows Comparable to 1989

The local sharemarket suffered its biggest decline in more than twenty eight months yesterday.

It fell 3.8 per cent as investors reacted to concerns the United States is heading towards a recession which prompted another savage fall overnight on Wall Street.

The All Ordinaries index closed 157.2 points lower – its biggest drop since the start of the “tech wreck” in April of last year – wiping $112 billion off the value of the equity market.

Leading the decline was Data Corp, whose shares fell $14.41. Shares in the media group, trading at a record highs in March, are now $14.12 lower than at the start of the year.

Data Corp, together with Feps and Mende Lease, accounted for more than half the All Ords fall.

The local market plunge followed a 5.5 per cent slump overnight Wednesday on the influential Dow Jones Industrials index. The Nasdaq fell 17.1 per cent, bringing its fall so far this week to 21 per cent. Nasdaq is now at levels seen last in March 1989.

The US Federal Reserve Board, which opted to keep interest rates on hold this week, is expected to cut rates well ahead of the next scheduled meeting of the Federal Open Markets Committee, its interest rate setting body, late in January.

Mr Winton Summoriagli, head of funds management at Investors Security, said despite the volatility, trading on the local sharemarket was expected to show “some resiliency”.

He is advising investors to stick with solid stocks traditionally associated with earnings certainty.

“In the current climate stocks like the banks may continue to hold steady,” he said. “High techs, however, will still suffer ‘more than significant’ downside.”

“This is a very scary time.”

See Emergency Meeting Page D-5

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C-78

Nazi War Bike Restored

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Restored Nazi War Bike

Local Man Completes Nazi War Bike Restoration

“It’s a V-12, 655 HP on the Dyno,” says its Owner

A Lynnwood man has completed a three year restoration on a 1939 Heidenvolkker, an oddball motorcycle built by the Nazis to be the “Ultimate War Bike”.

“It was one of Hitler’s greatest brainstorms, or biggest follies, depending on who you ask,” said Brian Jennings, motorcycle historian for Collens University in Michigan.

The monster features a V-12 aluminum air-cooled block, with all 12 pipes exiting the left side of the machine.

“Believe it or not,” said its owner, Adam Laskey, “it’s really quite comfortable to sit on and ride. The only problem I’ve had is with the exhausts burning my pants off. But I can work around that.”

Laskey has toured the bike around the area, but has made no long trips on it, and says he doesn’t plan to, citing a shortage of parts if it breaks down.

Only about 28 of the motorcycles were built. They were judged unreliable, and not utilitarian, which is what the German army needed in the days before WW II. Mostly the bikes were procured by officers and Gestapo echelon, who rode them around the compounds and barracks until, one by one, they broke down and were abandon. Laskey’s relic is believed to be one of three remaining in the world.

“It’s value is hard to calculate,” said Laskey. “But it would be well over $750,000.”

Laskey says he has no plans to sell.

See The Strangest Things on eBay, Page D-5

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C-79

Demi Moore or Memorex

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Police question “mystery woman” in local ruckus

Was it Demi or Was it Memorex?

Only Her Dentist Knows for Sure!

The quiet town of Hoodsport got some excitement early Sunday morning when neighbors reported a verbal altercation between a man and a woman at 2931 Riverview Drive.

Police arrived and found a naked woman handcuffed to a pole. A man was standing in the open door of the house, with nothing on but his boxer shorts.

Police initially believed they had a kidnapping or perhaps an attempted rape on their hands. But the woman quickly set them straight.

It seems this gal had come calling on a Mr. Ron Ault, who owns the house and property. She claimed she visited Ault “once every few months”. “It’s just a sex thing,” the woman admitted.

On this particular occasion, Ault wouldn’t let her in. And that made her mad.

“I told her it was over a long time ago,” lamented Ault, who talked with police without donning any clothes at all. “I like Demi. I always have. We’ve had some great times. But, to tell you the truth, the attraction just isn’t all that strong for me. I told her I felt we’d make better friends than lovers. I thought she understood.”

‘The woman’ said, “Ron has always been like this. It’s just his game. We go through this every time.”

But this is the first time local police had to break up the fight.

Police attempted to identify the woman, who at first said she had no ID. Police quickly found her stash of clothes in some shrubbery and located a driver’s license which read “Demi Moore”. The woman, however, claimed that she only worked as a look-a-like for the famous actress, and that she was required to carry identification in Ms. Moore’s name as a condition of her contract with the studio. But police didn’t buy it.

“The [ID] appears to be genuine at this point,” said officer Walkens. “We’re not positive yet. I really can’t comment beyond that.”

Demi—er, ‘the woman’ admitted to police that she had handcuffed herself to Ault’s fence to force him to talk to her. The handcuff keys were finally located near her clothes. She was told to dress and leave the area.

Neither party would comment further on the incident.

See The New Bruce Willis D-5

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C-80

Naked Men Arrested

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Mysterious gathering on front lawn

Eight Arrested in Mystery Gathering

Judge asks eight: “Is this a cult?”

Eight more men were arrested Saturday night in another of Denver’s crackdowns on this new and mysterious fad. The arrests occurred in the Alder Downs neighborhood, at a residence owned by Casey Jones (inset above).

Eight men pleaded “no contest” to counts of indecent exposure and lewd behavior, and were fined and released.

“Well, we’ve seen our share of indecent exposure cases over the years,” commented Alan Speagle, vice detective with the Jefferson County Sheriff’s office. “It’s generally limited to the downtown urban areas. Once in awhile we see it out here (in the suburbs). But not like this. This is just weird.”

County prosecutors say the arrest of eight on Saturday brings the total arrests in two months for the same infractions to 184.

“These are not homeless people looking for a place to urinate,” conceded Bob Williams, spokesman for the prosecutor’s office. “These are professional men, family men, clean cut, respected—at least until now— These men, for the most part, have no criminal record at all. Yet night after night we’re finding them in small groups all over the city, sitting along the curb, enjoying barbeques, or just standing around their front yards, stark naked. In every single arrest report we read that the men didn’t resist (arrest), and in fact didn’t even object. They just went quietly to jail, naked as the day they were born. When they come to arraignment, not a single man has divulged any reason for his actions. They pay their fines and go home. And sometimes we pick them up the following week doing the same damned thing. The psychologists can’t even tell us what’s going on, and whatever it is, it’s only happening in this county!”

The eight arrested on Saturday night have refused our requests for interviews.

See Personal Freedom Page D-5

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C-81

Alien Implant Gag

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Foreign object embedded in spinal column

Mystery Object Removed in Two Hour Procedure

Doctors Baffled; “We Have No Idea What this is.”

A Boise man says he suffered from back pain for years. Sometimes he had trouble walking. Sometimes he missed days at work. And once in awhile, he couldn’t even get out of bed.

“The doctors said this, then they said that,” complained Casey Jones. “They tried muscle relaxers, heat therapy, they made me exercise and stretch. Nothing worked. I figured I was just one of those people who had chronic back pain and would always have it.”

But one day Jones’s luck changed. After appealing to nearly a dozen doctors over the years, Jones ended up the victim of a hit and run fender bender. He had a stiff neck, and went to the doctor for X-rays. Those X-rays revealed something more serious than a pulled muscle.

The two ounce “device” was removed from Jones’s spinal cord without incident.

Doctors said, “We have no clue what this object is. We don’t dare even speculate.”

See The Aliens Among Us Page D-5

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C-82

Experimental Black Hole Out of Control

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Tiny Black Hole Artificially Created for Research

Physics at Scotland University Run Afoul; Science ‘Concerned’

“These experiments should have never been allowed to go forward.”

Physicists in Scotland last January performed pioneering experiments to create tiny, artificial black holes in the laboratory which will be able to suck in light or sound waves.

The researchers expected the “desktop black holes” to provide important information about the fundamental behavior of matter and energy and to help resolve some of the apparent contradictions that lie at the heart of theoretical physics.

The foundations for the experiments were developed by Professor Adolf Heinrich and his team at the University of St. Marcos, with funding from the Engineering and Physical Anomalies Research Council.

In space, a black hole is formed when a star collapses in on itself. Because of its hugely concentrated mass, it has an extremely high gravitational pull. To escape from a black hole, matter or energy would need to travel at a velocity greater than that of light — something which is not possible.

The experiments were carried out in strict secrecy due to substantial opposition and controversy regarding the safety of the procedures involved. Many scientists believed that once a black hole was created, no matter how small, it would be destined to grow in size and strength, and could never be stopped. It was akin to the nuclear “China Syndrome”. Eventually, some scientists argued, any black hole would consume the earth. Those fears were rebuffed by physicists involved in the project.

“It’s unfortunate,” admitted Professor Heinrich, “that control of the experiment was lost.”

The University has confirmed that the microscopic black hole has, indeed, “resisted all attempts to neutralize it”. In an official statement the University said: “We regret that the [black hole] continues to grow. We are working to contain it, however our attempts have been only partially successful. Still, we do not believe there is any significant danger to the population at this time.”

Scientists with the project have confirmed off the record that the tiny anomaly continues to “absorb” any container they try to place around it. As it absorbs more and more matter, it needs to absorb more and more matter. This will increase at a geometric rate and may be unstoppable. When asked for some estimate of the black hole’s “area of influence”, one researcher conceded that one wing of the University has been cordoned off, while “some portion of one room” has been [absorbed] into the hole.

The US State Department promises to look into the matter.

See Human Cloning Legalized in South Africa Page D-5

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Guy Meets Rock Star Girl

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Fender Bender Culminates in Surprise for Local Man

Good Samaritan Rewarded for Caring

“I’ve always tried to help folks,” says passerby.

A Yourtown motorist was running an errand Tuesday when he witnessed a fender bender between a bus, a van, and a compact car. Like any good American, he stopped to help.

“There might be some situations where I wouldn’t stop,” said John Doe, a local resident and employee of Acme Rentals. “It looked like these folks were having trouble, so I stopped. That’s all.”

But witnesses say there’s more to the story than that.

A woman who initially stated her name as Ms. Spears, (then asked not to be identified), said she had flown in from Hollywood and was being chauffeured to an important appointment when the accident occurred. She was unhurt, but one male victim in a compact car wasn’t so lucky.

“That poor guy—he just couldn’t seem to catch his breath. He was passing out. None of us knew what to do,” the unidentified woman later told police. “Then this other man, John Doe, showed up. He went straight to the injured man, and somehow figured out that he had some broken ribs. All he needed was to be propped upright; then he could breath again. Was I impressed? Yes, I was impressed. It was beautiful!”

A patrolman admitted off the record that the first name on the woman’s driver’s license was “Britney”, but refused to comment beyond that.

John Doe took Ms. Spears—er, the unidentified woman to her appointment (after she dismissed her bodyguards), and waited for her outside. When she emerged, she took John to dinner.

“It’s not something a gentleman discusses,” said John when asked about any possibility of a “relationship” between the two. “We had dinner—her treat—and we talked. She’s a remarkable woman. I might have gone into this thing harboring a few preconceptions about Hollywood people. But those misconceptions are gone. This is a quality person, and I’d love to be her friend.”

When asked her opinion of the encounter, the woman admitted, “At first, I was taking John to dinner out of a sense of obligation because he was so nice and helpful today. But after we’d talked, I began to see this man as a true gentleman, and I do mean gentle man. There’s no question we’ll be spending more time together. I feel good about this.”

The mystery woman caught a flight to L.A. at two a.m., but was overheard making a new date with Mr. Doe for a few weeks hence.

Could this be a hot tip for the National Intruder?

See “Nice Girls” Page D-5

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Finland Leased by United States

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Map shows area of SE Finland affected by agreement

Negotiations Culminate in Agreement Between US and Finland

Displaced Fins to Receive about $2300 each (US) to relocate

The Bush administration, with the State Department, made a joint statement today regarding the outcome of talks and negotiations between the US and Finland.

In a deal which was negotiated in secret over four years, the Finnish government has agreed to lease a huge section of southeast Finland to American petroleum interests.

“This will in no way affect the culture or lifestyle of Fins in the region,” insisted a State Department spokesperson. “We’re going to considerable lengths to make sure that the American presence there will in no way intrude on the existing population.”

But not everyone is convinced.

Said John Wilkhams, professor of sociology for Princeman University in Chicago, “What the State Department seems to be neglecting to mention is that American oil interests are gearing up to move over three quarters of a million American oil workers into that region over the next two years. That’s not counting an almost equal number of support and peripheral workers, which will be Americans, not Fins. That’s not a presence the Finnish population is going to be able to ignore.”

Indeed, it seems the State Department is not telling all. A program has been uncovered which allows for recompensation to Fins who wish to relocate out of the American occupied area, to more western or northern regions of their country. The base compensatory allotment is about $2300 (US equivalent) to each family who feels they cannot live in their homeland after the Americans arrive.

“These people certainly do not have to leave their homes,” commented Wayne Conklin of the State Department. “The US lease was granted for 99 years, which is a standard duration for such a large occupation. The only scenario which could even conceivably cause mandatory relocation of [the Fins] would be if there were concerns that the US personnel were unable to amicably co-exist with the existing population. In that case, of course,” Mr. Conklin continued, “the US contract would take precedence, and perhaps some of the existing population might be displaced forcibly. We really don’t think that will happen though,” he was quick to add.

American personnel are scheduled to begin moving into the region within 60 days.

Many Fins are reported to be “extremely angry” over the deal. Small demonstrations broke out across the region within minutes of the announcement.

See Related Story Page D-5

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Win the Kentucky Derby

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Winner’s Circle for Horse, Jockey and Gambler!

Local Man Wins Big in Kentucky Derby

“I’m going to enjoy this!” says winner.

A North Dakota man joined the ranks of big winners in the Kentucky Derby when he placed a “significant” bet on the horse “Monarchos”, who overpowered his derby rivals yesterday at Churchill Downs in a fantastic win.

Russell Sherman Sr, 72, says he has faithfully followed the Derby for years, but couldn’t attend this year. He had a friend place his bet, which netted a whopping 1.3 million dollars when the horse “floated like a butterfly” to nearly bust the track record set by Secretariat, only 2/5 of a second faster.

Mr. Sherman said he couldn’t be happier. He’ll pay off some bills, and maybe invest in a fishing lodge-a lifelong dream.

Sherman summarized his experience by saying, “I always knew that if I was good to the ponies, the ponies would be good to me.”

See Related Story Page D-5

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Brown Noser

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X-Ray Documents Office Worker’s Predicament

Doctors Vow to Study Bizarre Case

“I’ve Learned My Lesson,” Says…..”Victim”?

A Tacoma, Washington woman, Casey Jones, was hospitalized Thursday afternoon for what doctors are calling “the most bizarre case on record”.

Casey, 34, is a secretary at Johnson Tile company, where she’s been employed for the past three years.

“Casey was always climbing that corporate ladder,” commented one associate who asked not to be identified. “If you ask me, Ms. Jones was just a little too darned eager to please. But that’s just my opinion.”

“She’s been like that ever since she came here,” admitted John Smith, a ten year veteran of the accounting division. “We tried to ignore it as best we could, but it was pretty blatant.”

The trouble apparently started Thursday morning when a number of Casey’s co-workers noticed she was trying especially hard to Brown Nose the Boss.

“She brought him coffee, then she ran out and bought a box of donuts out of her own money. That was sickening enough. But Casey just kept on all morning. We figured she’d own this company by noon,” lamented another disgruntled worker.

At about 1:30 p.m., just after lunch, Ms. Jones went in to see if her boss wanted any desert. She cleaned up his lunch dishes, then brewed a fresh pot of coffee, then apparently brought her superior a warmed wash cloth so he could wipe his face.

“But she didn’t stop there,” said Smith. “Next thing we knew, she was actually wiping the man’s mouth for him. And when she missed a spot, she wiped it on her dress. It was right after that the accident occurred. We all saw it coming.”

Edna Wilkins recounts: “The first thing we heard was a big sucking sound. You know, like when that last bit of water goes down the drain in the bathtub. That startled us, you know? Then there was a real sloppy sounding POP, like when a kid sucks on a lollypop too hard. We all knew what that meant.”

Immediately thereafter Casey’s boss let out a horrendous whoop and came skittering across the office floor on his hands and knees, and right out into the employee lounge. And Casey Jones was much too close behind.

“It took us all a minute to get our wits back,” said Edna. “But it was clear the guy needed help, and poor Casey could hardly breath, her head was stuck so far up that man’s ass. We called 911 right way.”

Casey will be okay, according to hospital officials.

“She was without air for some time,” explained her doctor. “But she’s been treated for oxygen deprivation, and we expect to release her in the morning. As for her boss, well, he’ll be walking funny for awhile, but the only scars he’ll bear will be emotional.”

See Getting Ahead Today Page D-5

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Mystery Investigator

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Police Search Statewide for Missing Family

Police Call in “Mystery Investigator”

Local Man Drafted to Help in Search

A Des Moines, Iowa man, Casey Jones, was drafted into service by Federal Law Enforcement officials Friday in the continuing search for a family of five which vanished without a trace while on a skiing holiday in the mountains near Ellensburg. No trace of the family has been found; investigators are desperate for clues.

“We have nothing,” admitted Detective Williams. “We’ve never seen a case in which there were fewer clues. We have no motive—that’s assuming a crime has even been committed, and we have little evidence of that as yet. We just don’t know anything.”

That’s where Casey Jones fits in. Law enforcement officials dodged repeated requests to know who the mystery man was, and how he fit into the case, but tips eventually led reporters to his identity and his function in the case.

A spokesman for the state police missing persons task force finally revealed under media pressure that the mystery man, Casey Jones, has been inducted to work on numerous cases in the past, most notably the recent “Hillside Slayer” investigation which eventually turned up the culprit, James (Jimmy) Mackinny, a serial killer who had been terrorizing the hilltop district of New Haven for three years and who racked up four grisly homicides to his name before being apprehended.

Police admitted that Jones had been “instrumental” in tracking and capturing Mackinny. “We would still be looking, and victims would still be dying, if it wasn’t for Jones,” revealed a high-level investigator with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. “We don’t know how he does it, but we’d like him to continue doing it,” the investigator said.

Jones is an unassuming man by all accounts, with no formal training in this specific field. His value to law enforcement, it seems, stems from an unusually keen mind which can sift and catalogue clues more efficiently than a computer.

“And he’s tough,” cited a Bureau spokeswoman. “He doesn’t give up. When there are no clues, he finds clues, or he finds new ways to look at old clues. We have whole departments trained for this, and they do their job well. But Jones….just seems to have this innate ability to shed light into dark corners, and we’ll take all the light we can get in cases like this.”

Jones refused to comment on the case except to say he was glad to be of assistance, and he felt confident the missing family would be found soon. Asked if Jones felt the family was still alive, he replied, simply, “I don’t look for dead people.”

See Latest Crime Statistics Released Page

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C-93

A Crop Circle Near You

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Aerial photo shows crop circle about 150 yards in diameter

First Crop Circle Found Locally

Investigators from England Arrive to Study

John Graham got out of bed this morning and ate the breakfast his wife had cooked for him, thinking it was just another day. But John Graham was mistaken, as he quickly realized when he glanced out the kitchen window and noticed what has come to be called a “crop circle” in the middle of his “South Forty”.

John’s wife called her mother, Alice, and Alice called her friends around town, and within hours John Graham’s fields were overrun by the curious, the media, self proclaimed investigators and experts, and even more media.

“Well, it’s a big deal for a little berg like Eatonville,” admitted Mr. Graham, who was coping admirably with the hoards of people trampling his fields. “Sure,” John admitted, “this is costing me in terms of crop yield—but nothing like this has ever happened around here, and folks just have to see it for themselves.”

By noon about a thousand people had gathered in the fields 18 miles east of town off of route 28. A police helicopter could be seen making lazy arcs across adjacent properties, and sightseeing Cessna pilots almost created a traffic jam 500 feet above John’s field as they clamored and maneuvered for the best aerial photos.

Local authorities refused to comment on the phenomenon other than to suggest it was the product of hoaxers.

But several scientists who have studied similar circles in the UK and the Netherlands claim the circles in John Graham’s south forty exhibit all the bizarre physical properties of circles in Europe which have been pronounced “authentic”. And dozens of spectators have described various sensations while standing in parts of the pattern, including a feeling of warmth, and a ringing in the ears “like bells which never stop”. Some have claimed they can hear faint singing while in the circles, and still more have described “a feeling of horror and dread” and have refused to re-enter the patterns.

See Strange Lights Sighted Page D-5

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Smallest Penis in the World

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High Tech Equipment Put to Dubious Use

University of Washington Discovery

“This is done in the name of science,” says Professor

A local man, Casey Jones, 32, has found himself the dubious recipient of scientific and media attention over the past few weeks.

“I just want it all to stop,” says Jones. “Doesn’t the world have anything better to do?”

Jones’s fame-or his problems, depending on your point of view, began three weeks ago when he visited his physician for a routine checkup.

“I’ve always dealt with a particular doctor,” said Jones. “He’s known me all my life, and he understands my, uh, uniqueness. But my regular doctor was on vacation this time, and I had to get my checkup done to satisfy my insurance company.”

Casey proved to be in perfect health, but his substitute doctor noted a physical anomaly which Jones has been careful not to advertise during his life.

“I’m small, okay?” said Jones, a bit derisively. “I was born that way; it’s never caused a problem, and my wife says she’s perfectly happy. That should be the end of it.”

But Casey’s interim doctor was so intrigued by the medical aspects of his patient’s atypical anatomy that he talked Jones into undergoing further tests, simply for the sake of science.

“This guy told me a number of times that the tests would be strictly confidential, and that the results would never be made public. Apparently he just plain lied,” opined Mr. Jones.

Casey’s doctor disagrees.

“I don’t recall promising Casey his case could be kept totally secret. I certainly didn’t divulge it, but you have to realize that when you have a dozen or more technicians working on a case, well, a slip of the tongue, no pun intended, is inevitable. Regrettable, perhaps, but inevitable.”

The University’s new Blair Model 3322 electron microscope was commandeered for the project, and the results have been certified by lab personnel.

“Mr. Jones’s penis,” stated the physician at an off-campus press conference, “is, we believe, the smallest organ on record.”

Indeed, measuring a mere .0003 microns in length, it took the University staff roughly three weeks to locate it.

“To put it in perspective,” continued Casey’s doctor, “If Casey’s penis was a toothpick, a human hair would be a California Redwood. This is very exciting.”

Asked if the discovery would be reported to Guinness for possible inclusion in the official record books, the doctor replied, “That would be in the poorest possible taste.”

See “What is Poor Taste?”

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New Age Dance Studio

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Dancers Rehearse “New Age” Routines

Alternative Dance Studio Opens

“New Age” Dance Studio Aims to Transcend all Sexual Barriers

Casey Jones has opened the “New Age Dance Studio” in Kent. Jones says he’s tired of sexual stereotypes, and aims to teach dance in such a way that students of all sexual preferences will feel welcome, nourished and loved.

“My feeling is that we’re all God’s flowers,” says Jones. “We all want to find a place where we can feel free and safe to express our individualism and our true inner selves, whatever that might be. I want ‘New Age’ to be the kind of school where gays, lesbians, transsexuals and cross-dressers would never feel ostracized or discriminated against. Our group is about loving one another through creative dance.”

Jones’s theatrical accomplishments range far and wide. He recently won the coveted “Tinkle Me Elmo” award, sponsored semi-annually for distinguished dance by the “San Francisco Gay Rights Foundation”.

“We just love Casey,” said Maurice Hernan, founder and president. “It’s not often you get to honor such a sweet, sweet man.”

The studio has already opened for pre-registered students. Applications from the public will be entertained “in about a month”.

Jones summed it up: “We’re just so excited. We think we’re just going to have so much fun. Our instructors are a lovely bunch of boys, and we’re just going to change the world!”

See Local Police Crack Down on Public Deviates Page D-5

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Goat Molester

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Local man, (above) shown with favorite goat he named ‘BOSCO’.

Man Arrested on Charge of Goat Molestation

Local Man Faces Possible Prison Term

A Kent man, Casey Jones, was arrested today on multiple charges of goat molestation. The City Attorney’s office says this is the first charge of its kind in Kent’s history.

“We will prosecute this to the fullest extent of the law,” said Assistant Prosecutor Elaine Fullmore. “We need to send a signal to our young people that goat molestation has not ever been, and will never be, tolerated in this district.”

But Casey’s co-workers defended their friend during an exclusive and emotional interview: “C’Mon! He’s just that kind of guy! Cut him some slack! Goats, pigs, small farm animals of every kind— Casey has always been an animal lover, and this is just his way of expressing that love.”

Mr. Jones was finally located at the Acme Warehouse, where he works as a loader. He defended his actions and called the Assistant City Attorney “a big fat whiner”. Jones said he has no plans to stop molesting goats, and resents that anyone would suggest that he stop.

“Hey,” Casey said, “If the goats like it, and I like it, where’s the crime? There’s no victim here!”

In response, Elaine Fullmore was quoted as saying, “I’m gonna git that sucker.”

An unidentified woman commented to press officials, “Hey! What can I say? Without them goats in the backyard, I wouldn’t stand a chance. I mean, that man’s after me day and night. I don’t NEVER git no rest-leastways, not until Casey got them goats. Now, life’s pretty good.”

A trial date has not been set.

See GOAT RUCKERS Page

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Just Horsing Around

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Local woman “just horsing around”

Woman Arrested on ‘Cruelty to Animals’ Charges

Suspect says, “Who’s the victim here? Tell me! Who’s the victim? There is no victim!”

A Seattle woman, Casey Jones, was taken into custody Sunday in an industrial loft on Capital Hill, and booked on charges of cruelty to animals. She was photographed having sex with a horse. When asked if ‘cruelty to animals’ was an appropriate charge, Vice Detective John Clintok replied, “It’s the only charge that was at all appropriate. We have no evidence to suggest that Ms. Jones charged the horse money to perform these acts, and the horse certainly wasn’t forcing the girl to have sex with it. Jones can’t be charged with prostitution—I mean, the horse has no money. It’s clear to us that the horse didn’t want to be there, that it was there against its will, that it was in fear of bodily harm if it departed, and that constitutes cruelty. The horse is an animal, therefore, Ms. Jones is charged with cruelty to animals. I know it’s a logic that may be difficult for the lay-person to follow, but the law enforcement mind is highly trained.”

Contrary to Detective Clintok’s appraisal of the situation, the horse did not appear eager to depart from the scene. In fact, four handlers with cattle prods were required to pull the horse off the woman.

“I just don’t see the problem,” commented Casey. “This was a consensual act by both parties. We do it all the time. Hell, the horse likes it, I like it, it’s no one’s business but ours. Who the hell do these people (police) think they are, barging in here like this? No crime has been committed! I’ll sue these bastards.”

The King County Prosecutor’s office issued a statement claiming it would not consider dropping the charges, nor would it consider any type of plea bargain. “This horse has been traumatized,” said a spokeswoman. “It’s our responsibility to look out for the welfare of these animals. This poor beast will have to live with this for the rest of its life. The animal will have his day in court. I owe it that.”

See Horse Racing: Secrets to Faster Times and Happier EquinesPage

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Head Up Ass

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Medical Science Insists Feat is Impossible, but “Seeing is Believing”

Man to Register Talent with Guinness

“I’ve wanted to be able to put my head up my ass all my life!”

A local man, Casey Jones, says he has perfected a talent, the pursuit of which has consumed him all his life. Mr. Jones plans to market his odd skill to various entertainment fields, and will be formally registered with “Guinness Corporation” next month.

“The title of the record Mr. Jones will attempt to set has not yet been decided upon. The feat itself is self explanatory,” said Guinness spokesperson, Emily Carter.

Mr. Jones has undergone seventeen surgeries over ten years in order to adapt his body to be able to accomplish the stunt. He claims the procedures were expensive and painful, “but it was more than worth it. This is the fulfillment of a dream,” insisted Casey.

Doctors have almost unanimously denounced the practice, “the dangers of which should be self evident,” warned Clifton Essent, M.D. “I can’t imagine the man can ever have an normal bowel movement again. And let’s examine the sanitary ramifications.”

Jones counters by saying, “My bowel movements are none of anyone’s business. For the record, though, I haven’t suffered from constipation for years.” When asked about sanitary concerns, Casey shrugged and replied, “Hey! I don’t open my mouth in there! And I never try to look around.”

Jones will appear on David Letterman next week. It’s unclear if he’ll be allowed to “perform”.

See ‘Assholes, an American Tradition Page

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Prostitution Sting Nets 8

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Local man says he’s not ashamed

Prostitution Sting Nets 8

Local Man Tells Police, “Stop Harassing These Girls!”

A Hoodsport man was among eight others rounded up Saturday night in another of the city’s long history of ‘tough love” on prostitutes in the Ponder’s Corner area.

Casey Jones, owner of a Hood Canal SCUBA shop, was arrested on “suspicion of procuring the services of a prostitute”. He was released on his own recognizance.

“First,” says Casey, “you have to realize that these girls are just out here trying to make a living. They aren’t doing anything wrong. They’re just sweet gals who are lonely and broke. I help ’em in both departments.”

Vice Detective Barry Holden says the ‘girls’ are getting older as the years go by.

“We’re not seeing a lot of young women break into the profession. That leaves more room for the, uh, ‘more experienced’ ladies to ply their trade.”

A police spokesman who asked not to be identified said candidly that the city may want to re-think its current crack-down on the red light district in Tacoma.

“These gals are just too (expletive) old to be arrested!” he fumed. “Hell, we had three of them collapse with coronary events because we startled them when we knocked on the doors to their motel rooms. Four more fainted on the way to jail because they had skipped their blood pressure medicine. We couldn’t get the cuffs on one old broad because her hands were shaking so badly with Parkinson’s. And six more couldn’t be identified because of their various states of Alzheimer’s—- they couldn’t remember their own names! Arresting these gals is a huge liability to the city. We just can’t afford it!”

Asked to explain the attraction to “older” hookers, Casey Jones shrugged and said, “Hey! They’re the sweetest ones! They don’t cause any trouble. They’re easy to please, and half the time they pay me!”

The Mayor’s office has declined to return our calls.

See ‘Aged Like Fine Wine’, or ‘Just Old and Smelly?’ Page D-5

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Broken Boner

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X-Ray shows problem after series of missed diagnosis

Medical Science Admits Mistakes; Patient Finally on Way to Recovery

“We Just Don’t Know How We Missed it,” Claims Panel of Physicians

A Kent man says he feels confident he’s on the road to recovery, after eleven long years of suffering.

“I’ve been hounding these doctors for over ten years,” says Casey Jones. “I’ve told them over and over that it’s not a psychological problem—the problem’s right here!”

Mr. Jones first realized he had a problem over ten years ago when he experienced “difficulties”. He sought help from nine doctors in three states.

“They kept sending me to shrinks,” said Jones. “Then they started making me take Viagra. That just made it hurt all the more!”

Doctors admit they had misdiagnosed Mr. Jones for years, and claim they don’t know how the mistakes seemed to keep happening.

“The patient told us what was wrong; we (the medical profession) just refused to believe him. He’s got a broken boner. It’s just that simple.”

Casey says his doctors are working on ways to mend the fracture. So far, all they’ve come up with is a plaster cast. “But I don’t think that’s really the right avenue to pursue,” said Casey.

Asked what he thought would help his condition, Jones replied, “Hell if I know. I’m just a truck driver. I pay the doctors to figure that out.”

Jones’s wife said she was “very relieved” that at least the problem had been identified. “It was hell,” said a somewhat distraught Mrs. Jones between sobs. “It was just…..it was HELL….”

Doctors hope for a full recovery.

See Over-Sexed and Poorly Trained Page

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C-102

Flasher

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Local man (above) arrested in string of public exposure complaints.

Break in Flasher Case

Suspect Identified in Seven Cases

A local man was arrested this morning in connection with a rash of public indecency complaints that ranged from Seattle to Tacoma over the past month.

Casey Jones was arraigned and released on $25,000 bond hours after he was apprehended in the Queen Ann district of Seattle.

Three women and four men identified Jones in a total of seven cases where the defendant allegedly approached groups of two or three people in broad daylight, and exposed his genitals.

He kept saying, “Poly want a cracker,” said one witness who asked not to be identified. “He just kept saying that while he shook his penis in the air. Several people saw it. Then he ran away giggling.”

A Kent man told police that the suspect walked up to him as he left a local restaurant with his wife, and opened his pants, singing, “I gotta be me”, and making his penis move with the lyrics.

The district attorney’s office claims this particular crime is on the rise in western Washington.

“We’ve seen this crime almost double over the past two years,” said Earl Johnston, assistant city attorney. “Maybe it’s an MTV thing—too many whackos watching Tom Green or something.”

One victim’s husband told reporters candidly that he planned some retribution against Jones. “If I had been there,” the husband continued, “I’d have shot (it) right out of his pants. These people need to be locked away. Enough is enough.”

Casey Jones’s attorney did not return our calls.

See DEVIATES Page D-5

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C-103

Viagra Fatality

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First Viagra Fatality in Washington.

VIAGRA Claims Local Man

Industry Insists Drug Still Safe

A Kent man, Casey Jones, was pronounced dead yesterday of an apparent overdose of the impotence drug “VIAGRA”.

Jones had been taking the drug under his doctor’s supervision for several months.

“We’ve seen a few fatalities nationwide,” said Jones’s physician, Dr. Johnson Bebig. “But those were related to a particular heart condition. Casey didn’t have that condition.”

Initial indications are that Mr. Jones had consumed seven times the recommended dosage in a 24 hour period. “That could be a factor,” Jones’s doctor conceded.

Mrs. Jones could not be reached for comment. She was admitted to the University of Washington Medical Center in Seattle several hours before Mr. Jones’s demise, for exhaustion and difficulty breathing. Her condition was reported as “guarded” by hospital officials.

Services for Casey Jones will be held in the “Lady of Our Holy Orgasm Chapel”, in Covington.

Jones is survived by his wife and forty seven children, living in various locations across the country.

Jones’s co-workers offered a simple sentiment upon hearing of Jones’s death:

“What a man.”

See Crazed Sex Fiends in City Government Page

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C-104

Male Prostitution

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Graphic photos reveal the dark side of illegal sex trade

More Arrests in Aurora Ave. Male Prostitution Stings

“I was an innocent victim!” Cries local man

Six Seattle men, along with one donkey and three chickens, were taken into custody Saturday night in SPD’s intensive crackdown of male prostitution along Aurora Avenue near the 8500 block. A dozen officers were involved.

“This is one of the most depraved and disgusting roundups we’ve had in years,” commented Seattle Vice Detective Horace Jonson. “We’ve seen a lot of abuse over the years, but this is the first operation which required that we bring in units from animal control.”

Among those charged was a local student, Christopher Jones, who lives in the controversial Aurora district. Mr. Jones was treated and released at Harborview for “undisclosed” injuries. One doctor, who asked to remain anonymous, said Mr. Jones received “about forty sutures”.

“This Jones guy—he was the one that brought the donkey,” lamented Detective Jonson. “He’s apparently been ‘very close’ to the donkey for many years. Those animals are the only true victims here.”

Trial dates will be announced in about a week.

See A New Breed of Deviate Page

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C-105

Stuck Bottle

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X-Ray shows predicament

Local Man Suffers More Embarrassment than Injury

“I don’t usually do things like this,” says patient.

A local man, Casey Jones, was admitted to Harborview Hospital in Seattle over the weekend complaining of “rectal pain”.

Jones said he was at a party “just horsing around with friends, you know.” One thing led to another, and before Jones realized it, he had a problem.

“We put duct tape over the broken end of the bottle,” Jones continued. “But still, no one could get it out. They all pulled and pulled. They seemed like good guys at the time. They worked on it for, oh, a couple of hours. Finally there was nothing left but to come on in [to the ER].”

Jones’s friends put him in the back seat of a car, face down, and drove him to the hospital. They helped him out of the car at the ER entrance, and got the blanket around him.

“They helped me figure out how to walk. They pointed me at the doors. Then they ran like hell. They’re all a bunch of bastards.”

The wine bottle was successfully extracted from the patient around 3:00 a.m. He received an undisclosed number of sutures in an undisclosed location, and was sent home in a taxi.

Said one nurse, “We offered to bag up the bottle for him in case he wanted it as a souvenir, but he said that was in ‘the poorest possible taste’, and he stomped out. Imagine that.”

Seattle PD says it has no evidence that any crime was committed, so it will not become involved in the incident.

‘Just Old and Smelly…’

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C-106

Bush Calls to Say Happy Birthday

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Bush in Oval Office

Bush Calls to Wish Local Man Happy Birthday

Prez Takes Time to Remember Old Friends

President George W. Bush took time out from a busy schedule on Sunday to call up an old friend–just to say “Happy Birthday”.

Local resident Casey Jones, who was 49 on Sunday, was glad to hear from his old grade school pal. “I haven’t seen George for many years,” said Jones. “But I think of him a lot. We were best buddies in 5th grade. He got me out of some jams–got me into some too!”

The Prez says he’ll always remember Casey Jones as a good an honest friend. “I can’t possibly find the time to call everyone I’ve ever known on their birthdays,” says Bush. “But there are some people in your life you just have to make the time for.”

Jones said he’d like to one day meet with Bush after so many years, ‘just for a cup of coffee and to shoot the breeze’. Bush expressed the same desire, saying, “You just never know what the cat might drag up onto Casey’s porch one of these days.”

See ‘Old Friends; Good Friends’ D-5

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C-107

Mystery Rods

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Hazmat and CDC Teams Respond

So-Called “Mystery Rod” Finally Captured

Gov’t Agencies Won’t Assure Public Phenomenon Poses No Threat

State and Federal agencies from around the country descended on the little berg of Federal Way Thursday, in response to claims that a so-called “Mystery Rod” had finally been collected and was being contained in an old refrigerator in the garage of a retired Lutheran minister, Don Moore. Said Moore, “I’ve never heard of the phenomenon before.” He just happened to find the creature stuck in his badminton net, and called a friend at a local school, who called the police, who called the Center for Disease Control—and before the community knew what hit it, government teams were scouring the area and evacuating neighborhoods.

Mysterious “Rods” first entered the collective American consciousness about 1984, when consumers using newer and more sophisticated video equipment noticed extremely fast-moving streaks across their screens when they played back everyday footage..” Since then discussions of the phenomenon have abounded on the Internet.

“There’s no question about the existence [of the flying rods],” admitted John Browne, public liaison for the CDC. “We’ve been aware of them for some time. Lots of agencies have tried to capture one, but they move at speeds of up to 900 mph, and seldom slower than 700 mph, or about the speed of a slow-moving bullet. They’re never visible to the naked eye, so no one knew anything about them until the proliferation of relatively high-speed camcorders.”

The presence of Hazmat workers made locals nervous, and more controversial still was the evacuation of certain areas by the CDC.

Local man Andy Mahon summed it up, “If these things are harmless, like some kind of supersonic butterfly, then why is the government using full bio-hazard suits to handle the dead ones, and why are people being forced to leave their homes?”

Authorities offered no answers.

The rods seem definitely to be organic. They are living creatures, says the CDC, and presumably they’ve been with us for millennia, but not a single specimen has been captured until now.

The rods run from 4 inches to about 20 inches in length. Reports that the creatures have accidentally or intentionally penetrated human bodies resulting in fatalities are un-confirmed. Some discussions suggest the creatures have been seen and photographed by astronauts in space.

See FORTEAN BLOBS Page B-5

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C-108

Cake Fire

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Satellite imagery shows smoke over three states –or– Firefighters struggle to save home

“Cake Fire” Claims Local Home

“It was like a furnace—like the furnace of Hell!” laments party survivor

Local man Casey Jones barely escaped serious injury Thursday afternoon when a fire gutted his home in the University District. Firefighters were amazed by the ferocity of the blaze. Said Jim Blake, spokesman for LRFD, “We’ve never seen a fire spread so quickly. The ignition point must have been like the heat from a super-nova. We just don’t know what kind of accelerant could have caused this much damage in so short a time.”

On-lookers said Jones was having a get-together with family and friends, and neighbors noticed a “significant glow” through the curtains from inside the house. “It was like someone was making a movie in there,” said one spectator. “Then, all of a sudden, all those people came boiling out of that house, and the next thing we knew, the whole place was in flames. It was like a bomb went off in slow motion!”

Firefighters interviewed several of the party-goers, though most seemed reluctant to talk about the incident. One man, however, confided to the Times that the home-owner was celebrating his birthday when the problem began. “Casey’s cousin, Joann Huntsford, had just brought the cake out into the living room and was lighting the candles,” admitted the man, who requested that his name be withheld. “There were more candles, and more candles, and pretty soon that cake was roaring like a gasoline fire. Everybody started moving back. The children were crying, ‘No more Mommy! No more!’ The heat was really getting fierce. Pretty soon, even the candles that weren’t lit just started melting and falling over. The frosting on the cake was beginning to vaporize. Then it got hard to breath in there.”

Fireman Blake explained that, due to the size of the flames, the oxygen was likely being removed from the room. “It’s lucky they got out when they did,” he conceded. “That cake was like a giant flame-thrower.”

Mr. Jones suffered only minor burns when he tried to retrieve one of his birthday presents, but friends and family likely thwarted the grim reaper by admonishing the man to forget the cheesy gifts, and save his own skin.

“I owe them my life,” admitted Casey. “I do.”

When asked just how many candles were on the cake, the crowd grew quiet and refused to reply.

See “Old as the Hills” Page D-5

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C-109

Space Cows

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Arrows show shaded areas which appear to move over time

Mars Has Ice! Says Science. And “Other Things” Too

A new global map of Mars has revealed a host of valleys carved from otherwise smooth areas that might be signs of the Red Planet’s most recent ice age. The features also bolster the case for a vast reservoir of liquid water just below the surface.

While Mars is known to contain significant volumes of water ice at its poles, researchers have yet to prove their suspicion that liquid water lurks under the rest of the planet’s dusty surface. If found in warmer non-polar regions, water would be an invaluable resource that could support human colonies and exploration.

The discovery of vast regions of ice was surprising enough. But another possibility is just now being raised by NASA scientists examining recent mission images of the ice regions.

John Hansen, senior Mars expert with NASA is quick to explain that NASA plates 8-B4532aa and b, respectively, depict an as-yet “totally unexplained phenomenon”.

The mystery involves the dark areas near the southeast corner of the image region (the lower right-hand corner of the photos above). Image 8-B4532aa, taken on March 3rd, 2002, from the lowest altitude ever, and using the most sophisticated imaging equipment ever used, shows two distinct areas of gray matter.

“We’ve seen suggestions of these types of areas in the past,” admits Hansen, “but we’ve never had the clarity we’re getting now.”

The problem facing NASA researchers is to explain why the gray smears in the first plate are significantly smaller than the gray blobs depicted in the second plate, shot from Mars orbit roughly twenty four earth-hours later.

More troubling still is the fact that some researchers are claiming they can resolve the gray areas into dots—tens of thousands of brownish dots.

NASA is quick to denounce suggestions that the Mars dots tend to look identical to vast herds of Caribou, bison or even domestic cattle when photographed from satellites far above the Alaska tundra or Nevada.

“It would be ludicrous to make that connection,” admonished one NASA representative, who refused to be identified. “The notion of space cows, or any other kind of herd animal existing on the Mars ice fields is beyond fantasy.”

NASA has refused to issue an official statement pending further investigation.

See “Second Face Discovered” Page D-5

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C-110

Killer Deer Kicks Hunter’s Ass

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Struggle ensues—quickly turns into fight for life

Local Man in “Fair Condition”

When Good Animals Go Bad

Local deer hunter, Casey Jones, was mauled by a “killer deer” Tuesday afternoon while on a rain-soaked hike about 30 miles east of Puyallup.

Jones, 39, complained that he didn’t even have a rifle with which to defend himself, and that the attack was “totally unprovoked”.

Jones was hiking in the area when he heard some thrashing in the brush about thirty yards away.

“I just froze, you know, thinking it might be a bear. Maybe I had invaded its territory or something.”

But it wasn’t a bear—it was something far more vicious: a big carnivorous deer.

Jones said the animal poked its head out of the thick underbrush and seemed to “size him up”. Then, said Jones, the big buck charged.

“I’ve worked bear country before,” says Casey. “When a bear charges, you hold your ground, maybe back up a little, slowly. I’ve never been charged by a deer before. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do!”

According to witnesses, the buck seemed to have vengeance on its mind, as it made a straight-line charge for Jones and knocked him down right off the bat.

“I thought that was going to be the end of me right there,” admitted Jones. “Once I was on the ground with the wind knocked out of me, and that thing was snorting and digging at my body—I didn’t think I’d ever get up again.”

But Jones did get up, and fought the marauding animal man to man—er, man to beast, that is.

“I got in a few good licks,” said Jones proudly. “I bloodied his nose. Everyone saw that. He won’t be forgetting me so soon.”

But while Jones was making uppercuts and roundhouse swings at the critter’s snout, the beast got in a few good licks of its own.

Casey survived with only minor scrapes and bruises, and one fairly serious bite. When asked about the bite, Jones refused to reply. But a nurse confided quietly, “It was ‘below the belt’.”

“Can you believe a low blow like that?” piped up Jones. “What kind of deer kicks your ass for no reason at all, then bites you there?! That’s just wrong.”

Jones was treated and released. His hunting buddies have vowed to “git thet sucker” next season.

Jones is unsure if he’ll go along.

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C-111

Killer Deer Kicks Hunter’s Ass (gets eaten)