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Personalized Fake and Joke Newspapers and Personalized Newspapers and Personalized Headlines for Gags and Gifts, Birthdays, Movies and Plays, Advertising, Publicity Stunts, Baby Showers, Wedding Showers, Stag Parties, Corporate Recognition, Awards, Thank You's, Revenge, Make a Point, Birth and Death Announcements, Wedding and Marriage Announcements, Practical Jokes, Cerebral Terrorism, Personalized Birthday Gags, Gifts. Fake Newspapers available in Small (pocket clipping) size, Full single page, Whole newspaper, Giant Poster, and Tabloid (by special request)

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Stock Fake Newspapers
Designed to Amaze, Perplex, Irritate, Delight, and Scare the Hell Out of Your Friends

Stock fake newspapers are complete, eight-page layouts (two sheets) featuring one (1) fake news story. The remainder of the publication consists of normal, generic news, carefully crafted so as to be "era non-specific". Newspaper names may vary but will always be "untraceable" to any existing real newspaper. The newspaper headlines may or may not be related to the fake story. The fake story may be placed on the front page, above or below the fold, or on the back page, depending on how important such a story may be considered in the real world. Fake articles may or may not feature an image or two. No specific date is printed on any newspaper.

Fake news stories are generally an "extrapolation" of some silliness or outrageousness that's going on in the world, or which "might" occur in the world at some later date.The purpose of stock fake news stories is to provide the bearer ammunition with which to HAVE FUN. Got a rabidly liberal friend who thinks all conservatives are war-mongering nation-killers? Hit 'em with a story detailing the Republican plan to re-take western Germany and watch 'em do a meltdown. Know a conservative who's appalled at Obama's pro-abortion stance? Whip out the article explaining the Dem's new plan to pay $500 to each woman under 25 who has an abortion, and enjoy the show. We sent a handful of articles to a friend in Finland years ago, discussing the American Corporate agreement to "lease" roughly one third of the country of Finland, displacing all the Fins in that region. There were protests in the streets. Talk about FUN.

While our stock stories can NOT be altered, you can always use our texts to personalize one of your own. Go HERE to do that.

Our texts are copyrighted. We do perform routine Internet scans to find unauthorized copyright infringement and we do file suit in those cases. We've grown more than a little sensitive to copycats and we will pay a reward for information that leads to a successful conviction and civil collection of damages. Even stories that are "substantially similar" are grounds for legal action. Sorry-- if you want to be a writer, you must think up YOUR OWN material. Simple morality ain't Rocket Science.

Orders for stock newspapers yield one (1) copy.

Pre-Written Stock Fake Newspapers, Example Layout

The newspaper shown above is REPRESENTATIVE of the layouts we use for the selections below. Newspaper names, headlines, images, positioning -- all are subject to change and modification, but will generally be similar to that shown above. It's a two-sheet layout with four pages per sheet, just like any other mainstream newspaper. The newspapers LOOK real because they ARE real (these are printed as limited runs of real news going out to real readers in smaller communities, though not featuring outrageous fake stories like those found below, of course.)

We have hundreds of stories to add to this page as time allows. We'll try to average the posting of at least one or two per day, but if we become swamped with other work there may be no new postings for several days at a stretch, or even a week.


Stock Fake Newspaper Articles

 

Please See http://www.fakenewspapers.com for ordering and updated product information.

The articles on this page are subject to occasional change and/or correction. If you decide upon a selection, but don't order for a week or a month, please re-read the selection again before placing the order. Thanks.

 

Article 1, Pacific Bridge Nearly Completed (Bridge to Hawaii)

Pacific Bridge Progress Ahead of Schedule

Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 1 (internal stock #252)
Written:
Copyright (c) 1999 FakeNewspapers.com
Placement:
Front Page
Newspaper Headline: Stocks Surge, Falter, Recover
Image Descrip. or Quip: New bridge scheduled for completion
Image?: Yes
Byline:
Jim Roberts
, AP
Article Text:

Coos Bay, Or.—  

Project authorities announced today that the "Pacific Bridge" project (sometimes referred to as the Pacific Span) is ahead of schedule and under budget---good news for taxpayers. "We expect to see traffic flowing from Coos Bay to Hawaii in three to five months," said Paul Kimble, chief architect for the project. "We're very pleased with our progress, and we think we can maintain the pace through completion."

Constance Construction, the primary contractor on the project, openly admits that the rapid progress has been due to "irregular" weather---meaning lighter winds and fewer winter storms than normal, a possible side-effect of global warming. "Weather is critical to a floating span," said Mr. Kimble. "The calmer the ocean, the faster we can fit floating span segments, and the more miles we can cover each week."

The toll for the bridge is expected to be hefty---perhaps as high as $250 for one car and two occupants, each way. Still, major US airlines are calling foul on the Federal Government, citing 'unfair competition'."We need a certain reliable flow of consumers to keep our trans-Pacific flights operating," lamented Jane Hellings, spokesperson for a conglomeration of airline-oriented corporations.

"We're concerned that this (new bridge) is going to leech customers away from the air travel market, which will ultimately cause some of those carriers to fail and collapse. We don't feel the Federal Government has any business funding projects that compete with us---and this bridge is a blatant example of direct competition."

Government officials counter that the bridge has been needed for decades, and that construction is for the greater public good, and therefore warranted. In any case, Pacific Island Real Estate values are expected to soar, while tourism in the Coos Bay area is expected to increase by as much as ten thousand percent within two years of the completion of the bridge.

"This is America's 'Chunnel'," commented Senator Bill Campbell. "England has its great historical bookmark, which is the tunnel under the English Channel from the UK to France. Now we (Americans) have something just as romantic and impressive in our resume.
-----------------------------------
See “End of an Era?” Page A-5

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Article 2, Moon Slightly Out of Orbit

Scientists Call Situation "Serious", but Not Time to Panic

Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 2 (internal stock #253)
Written:
Copyright (c) 1999 FakeNewspapers.com
Placement:
Back Page
Newspaper Headline: Stocks Surge, Falter, Recover
Image Descrip. or Quip: Scientists Closely Monitor Situation
Image?: Yes
Byline:
Jim Roberts
, AP
Article Text:

NASA Miami—
NASA astronomers disclosed today that, according to calculations from scientists around the world, Earth's moon may be tracking in an altered orbit.

John Simpson, Chief of Astronomy for NASA's interest at Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Arizona, reported that scientists in some circles have become "concerned".

"We're able to calculate trajectories (orbits) for celestial bodies going back many thousands of years. That's never been at issue," he said. "And we can extrapolate orbits, movements and alignments for celestial bodies far into the future. That's not a problem, either. Based on those simple calculations, we've always known that in terms of any foreseeable future, none of the heavenly bodies that could affect our lives on Earth, would change their courses. We've always been comfortable with that. But what we haven't taken into consideration, however, was the possibility that repeated alignments of certain bodies could have a cumulative effect on other, otherwise stable bodies. In other words, let's say that once every million years, a number of large bodies have a tendency to line up in a certain way. That alignment exerts abnormal gravitational pulls on other bodies, which tends to shift their orbits very, very slightly. The changes are so slight that they've never been a concern to us. What we're realizing now, however," Mr. Simpson continued, "is that, in the past thousand years, our solar system has endured about a dozen of those abnormal astronomical alignments. That means that those very small orbit-changing forces have, cumulatively, become fairly large and significant forces. The immediate result has been that our (Earth's) moon has sustained a 'significantly altered orbit'."

The long and the short of it is that (a) scientists don't know exactly how far out of whack the moon has been pushed, and won't know to any degree of accuracy for one to two months. And, (b), even if the moon's course change has been large, few scientists can agree on exactly what that means for Earth.

"This is the biggest point of contention among scientists in anyone's memory," Simpson said.

According to a polling of astronomers, predictions, ranging from best case to worst case scenarios, run something like this: Best case: The Earth's rotation will be slowed over the next eleven years, meaning that a 24 hour day will become 24 hours and 23 minutes. Worst case: Within four years, the Earth's rotation will be slowed so that a 24 hour day will be more like 26.3 hours. Nights will become very long, but so will days. Nights will be colder, days will be warmer. In either case, violent weather will be likely, and no estimates of crop and ecological upheaval are even available as yet.

See Ocean Currents Running Rampant Page D-5

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Article 3, Eiffel Tower Clone Erected in Seattle (Grand Opening)

Eiffel Tower Clone Finally Completed in Seattle

Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 3 (internal stock #254)
Written:
Copyright (c) 2001 FakeNewspapers.com
Placement:
Back Page
Newspaper Headline: Stocks Surge, Falter, Recover
Image Descrip. or Quip: Skyline takes on ‘European Airs’
Image?: Yes
Byline:
Jim Roberts, AP
Article Text:

SEATTLE--- The real tower is located on the southern bank of the Seine River in France and is 300 m (984 ft) high. Seattle’s newest skyline icon is a scale model measuring only 401 feet tall. But it’s an exact replica in every other way, and it’s an impressive addition to a booming tourist industry. The scheme was hatched five years ago when Seattle was scram­bling to improve its tourism prospects.

“The Eiffel Tower was a natural choice because it already had its own aura of popularity, and that meant minimal advertising to maximize its profile here in Seattle,” said John Barker, chief architect for the project. “Soon it will be as famous as the Space Needle, and that’s good for all of us.”

The structure, shown here ablaze with lights to celebrate the Grand Opening, will be open to general tourism in ‘about two weeks’. The fee to ride to the top, $4, is designed to ‘borrow’ a few of the Space Needle’s patrons who might already be a little miffed at the steep prices re­quired to hitch a ride to the observa­tion deck of the Needle.

“We don’t have a restaurant at the top of the (Eiffel) Tower,” said Joline Carter, official spokeswoman for the project. “What we do have is history. The Eiffel Tower is one of the richest historical icons in the world. That gives it an undeniable romance. And now we can experience a little of that culture and mystique right here in our own backyard.”

More information on Seattle’s new baby can be found at www.towers-r-us.com.

-----------------------------------
See Tourism—Good for the Few
or the Many? Page A-5

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Organ Harvestors

Organ Harvesters Strike Again

Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 4 (internal stock #255)
Written:
Copyright (c) 2001 FakeNewspapers.com
Placement:
Front Page
Newspaper Headline: Stocks Surge, Falter, Recover
Image Descrip. or Quip: "Organ Harvesters" Strike Again; Seventh Case in as Many Months
Image?: Yes
Byline:
Jim Roberts, AP
Article Text:

A local man hovers between life and death after being assaulted by so-called "organ harvesters"--- the seventh incident in nearly as many months in this area.

Ho Sing, a 34 year old warehouse worker, was found in his own bed in critical condition this morning when he failed to report for work. His eyes and one kidney had been crudely removed.

"The [thieves] took the organs in a rough and hasty procedure," said ER surgeon Dr. Donald Walker. "They made a half hearted attempt at closing [the incisions of] Mr. Sing after the, uh, operation, but it appeared as though they didn't really care if he lived or died."

"There have been a lot of rumors flying around-'local legend' kinds of things," admitted Sgt. Adam Laskey with the Sheriff's office, who is working closely in conjunction with city police and the FBI. But we've only documented the three cases locally. We're concluding that this is the beginning of a trend."

It's believed that several foreign factions are responsible for the organ thefts. "These groups generally anesthetize an entire household by pumping various gases into a structure after a family is asleep," continued Sgt. Laskey. "It's silent and effective. Then they're free to enter the home at will, knock the victim out even more thoroughly with an injection, and remove whatever organs they feel they can sell to desperate recipients. Often they botch the removal and the organ is wasted, and often they can't find a recipient with matching tissue types, and the organ is wasted. There is no crime more dumb than this."

Three fatalities are associated with this bizarre crime; four more victims languish with near mortal injuries.

—————-
See “Need for Organ Donors
on the Rise” Page D-5

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Obama's Speech, FakeNewspapers.com

"Change You Can Finally Believe In"

Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 5 (internal stock #256)
Written:
Copyright (c) 2009 FakeNewspapers.com
Placement:
Front page, continued to back page
Newspaper Headline: "Change You Can Finally Believe In", Sez the Prez
Image Descrip. or Quip: Sweeping National changes get mixed reviews
Image?: Yes
Byline:
Jim Roberts, AP
Article Text:

The Obama administration campaigned hard on the mantra, "Change you can believe in." Some Dems have chastised the president for not delivering the goods. Obama has admitted that he hasn't moved as "fluidly" as some thought he should in implementing the "significant changes this country craves", but countered the criticism by reminding Americans that he's been busy fighting two wars -- three if you count Fox News.

In a speech last week, President Obama announced several new programs designed to "free up the American People", and stimulate the economy with the "real change" it needs if America is to remain a "significant authority" on the world stage. For instance, the Administration will be working to ease the cost the taxpayer bears when unwanted children are born to mothers incapable of caring for them. Said the President, "Abortion is a sensitive and controversial topic, but the fact remains we, as a society, cannot continue to bear the burden of these mistakes." A new Czar will be appointed to make sex education mandatory by the age of ten, and part of that curriculum will be to "de-stigmatize" the option of abortion. "It's not beyond the realm of possibility," the Prez continued, "that my administration will institute a program that offers direct financial support to young women faced with the unpleasant prospect of unwanted pregnancy. We will always continue to stress abstinence, but when abstinence isn't effective, the government needs to step up and provide financially assisted abortion in appropriate cases, meaning most cases, along with other venues of support and assistance to the would-be mother. She may require an assist along the lines of day-to-day living expenses, for example, for some brief period of time before and after an abortion." The President stressed that in no way should this be considered an "abortion incentive."

President Obama attacked law enforcement over the subject of so-called "drug-wars" that have plagued the country -- and the budget -- for decades: "It occurs to me," Obama went on, "that in virtually every battle we've fought against illegal drugs in this country, we've lost. I think it's time we admit we've not only lost the battles, but have lost the war, and move ahead to a new and more effective strategy." Law enforcement agencies across the country will be directed to "tone back" their aggressive stance against almost all illegal drugs, and to learn to tolerate their use "at lower levels", thus saving the country untold billions. "Society needs to finally 'get it'", said the President. "People will always seek recreational activities and releases. In the case of Marijuana, for example, there is really no evidence to suggest that it's harmful in any significant way at all -- certainly it's less harmful than alcohol -- and it's time the right hand stopped battling the left hand; we're all part of the same body of society, and I'm confident one way of thinking can learn to tolerate a different way of thinking. It's what this country was built on, after all." Obama has instructed the legislative bodies to begin "hosing out the closets where overzealous drug laws hide in ignorance and darkness", and to replace most penalties which require or allow for jail time for drug offenses, with new policies of education-only, both in areas of drug abstinence, and proper and responsible recreational drug usage by individuals who find it hard to abandon their use. "A truly diverse society," Obama said, "offers and supports all methods and modes of relaxation. Monitored and handled properly, there's no reason why we can't declare a truce in the war on drugs, and learn to be more tolerant as a nation and as a people."

Obama did say that he was confident Health Care Reform would become a reality, and suggested that, in lieu of a voluntary wage or salary reduction by medical personnel nationwide, his administration has begun implementing a new plan to "partially socialize" the setting of wages and salaries in the private-sector medical field, and in a few other fields which directly effect the medical, economic and social health of the nation as a whole, and medical care is at the top of that list. "Doctors, physicians....tell me almost to a man or woman, that they would be proud and privileged to take a pay cut of up to 50% in the honorable pursuit of a healthy populace," Obama said. "And for those un-Americans who scoff at the idea, it's the government's job to help them along with that decision, and to outright decree it in stubborn, unrealistic corners of American medicine." A Czar is expected to be appointed "soon" to map out the legal requirements of such a strategy. "If physicians won't work for less for the good of their fellow man," Obama quipped. "Do we really want them at all?"

The President said he is leaning toward a "complete and total" pullout in Afghanistan, though he hinted that he may "toy around" with sending extra troops abroad "for a year or two", mostly to appease some powerful Repubs who may otherwise "rise up to confront [him]" in years to come. Obama stressed, however, that he would never allow Afghanistan become a political pawn.

Mr. Obama says he's looking into extending the "Cash for Clunkers" program for a full four years, but that it would be too expensive to offer the perk to all auto-makers, and that he would give "serious consideration" in the coming months to the question of which manufacturers would be included in the "club".

Asked about the President's controversial appointment to an important position in public education of an outspoken, public admirer of the "man/child appreciation" movement, NAMBLA, Obama shrugged and said he simply couldn't see where there was a conflict, and cited "childish, anti-American sentiment" on the part of bitter Republican activists as being at the root of the controversy. "I want people in my administration who can be counted upon to pull their share in the fundamental restructuring of America," he said. "I'll focus on their abilities to accomplish that, largely to the exclusion of silly, minor controversies that are invented out of thin air, nurtured, then heaped upon them by 'conservative spin doctors'. I just don't have time for that, and my patience for it has grown a little thin as well".

Obama seemed to want to make sure he wasn't seen as "going soft" in his assault on Conservative news opinion organizations, when he mentioned Fox News yet again, promising that he has "taken steps" to see to it that the FCC has "all the tools it needs" to "regulate --or stop-- so-called news entities who operate 'to the detriment of the nation'".

The topic of Hugo Chavez' bizarre confiscation of all golf courses in the country of Venezuela came up during the questions and answers segment of the appearance, and Obama was asked his opinion on the shocking take-overs. He said, "I don't agree with the out-and-out taking of private businesses. I think it's wrong in most cases. Besides, as you all know, I like golf myself (chuckles). But let's face it. There are some so-called 'past-times' even in this country that are questionable at best, and at worst documentably contribute to our faltering Gross National Product. I'm talking about video games, and they tie in directly with the health care emergency we're facing today. Sedentary kids could bankrupt even a Universal Health Care program, and I'll be working closely with my advisors and legal staff to look at ways to not take over the video game industry, but rather to 'bring it under the watchful umbrella' of the government for the purpose of regulating proper and appropriate usage. I don't think we need kids sitting in a stuffy bedroom for an hour every night playing video games, or, really, any games at all. Society will someday need these kids, but they'll be unable to contribute to the greater social good because their minds will be dull and their bodies will be weak. That's an intolerable situation, and during my term here I promise to mitigate that prospect to a monumental degree. I'm doing it for the kids, and the country."

When pressed further for comment on the economy, Obama appeared to lose patience with reporters, and snapped: "Look. The root of our entire economic breakdown lies within the banking industry. I've said this again and again. So far, I'm not seeing much improvement in their practices and policies, so I am directing my administration to begin putting 'considerable pressure' on that industry, up to and including actual legislation, that will compel them, compel them to begin making loans. Look. People need housing. Businesses need capital. The banking industry exists to fulfill those needs; if they won't step up to the plate and loosen those purse strings, I will persuade them that they must, or they'll face consequences that will convince them to go along with the flow. And you all know how persuasive I can be. That.....is change you can believe in."

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Santa Murdered

Santa Murdered

Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 6 (internal stock #257)
Written:
Copyright (c) 2007 FakeNewspapers.com
Placement:
Front page
Newspaper Headline: Santa Claus and Four Reindeer Slain!
Image Descrip. or Quip: Suspect shown with Santa; several reindeer lay slain nearby
Image?: Yes
Byline:
Jim Roberts, AP
Article Text:

A Tacoma, Washington man, Casey Jones, was arrested Sunday on suspicion of homicide and cruelty to animals. He was taken into custody after witnesses reported the individual shooting at a man in a red suit, who was riding in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, about twenty miles due east of Nome, Alaska.

"This is a sad case," said Federal Marshal John Menthe. "We've identified the victim as one 'Kris Kringle', AKA Claus, Santa, age, uh, well, I don't have that information. Apparently Mr. Kringle was testing a new sleigh, and conditioning his reindeer for an upcoming trek in December. It's a common event in these parts. -Kind of a practice run for the old guy. Most everyone hereabout knew him."

Casey Jones had been querying local residents regarding this annual practice of Mr. Kringle. Several residents of Nome had been corresponding by mail with Mr. Jones, thinking he was merely interested in writing a story about Kringle.

"We never dreamed that this guy, Jones, had anything sinister on his mind." Said Hannah Barclay, who runs the Nome Chamber of Commerce. "He seemed so polite."

Authorities have traced Mr. Jones's actions during the 24 hours prior to the shooting.

Sheriff Wheldon offered an accounting of the facts his office has uncovered:

"Mr. Jones was tipped by a local that Kringle was out testing his new sleigh. That was on Saturday afternoon. Jones booked a flight to Nome and arrived within eight hours.

The suspect stayed in the 'Log Cabin' motel Saturday night, then headed out into the bush on snow shoes early Sunday morning. He carried with him a Remington .338 Magnum rifle, outfitted with a 15 power Leopold scope. It's not uncommon to see folks troopin' around the countryside with a rifle," added Wheldon. "Bears and all."

"Folks heard the first shots about 10:15 a.m.. A couple of village kids ran their snowmobiles out there to see if someone had had a run-in with a polar bear. But what those poor kids saw was---well, it was..."

Deputy Verger was forced to take up the Sheriff's place:

"Santa was just flyin' across the sky. It's a beautiful sight, if you've never seen it. This guy, Jones, was blasting away with that elephant killer of his. First one reindeer was hit, then another. They were screamin'. The sleigh was startin' to spin toward the ground. Four of the reindeer broke loose of the harness and flew off into the clouds. And Jones, cool as you please, just kept firin'." Deputy Verger paused to compose himself, then went on:

"You can all see the end result. Santa augured in like a meteor. He was probably dead when he hit the ground. Jones finished off the reindeer as they lay tangled in the harness. Then he just stood there with one foot on the old guy, yelling 'YES! YES!', until we cuffed him."

Jones was released on $1,000,000 bond and has returned to Western Washington. He was unavailable for comment at press time.

See Shameless Commercialism Page D-5

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 7 (internal stock #258)
Written:
-----
Placement:
------
Newspaper Headline: Iran Has Nukes!
Image Descrip. or Quip:  Iran Admits Plan to Sell Nukes "To Highest Bidders"
Image?: -----
Byline:
-----
Article Text:

Body Text: PENDING

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Tiger Woods Sex Scandal

Tiger's Sex Partners Continue to Emerge

Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 8 (internal stock #259)
Written:
Copyright (c) 2009 FakeNewspapers.com
Placement:
  Front page
Newspaper Headline: New allegations in the Tiger Woods sex scandal
Image Descrip. or Quip: Tiger Woods makes himself scarce
Image?: Yes
Byline:
Molly Bumgartner
Article Text:

New allegations surfaced today in the Tiger Woods sex-scandal debacle. Despite brewing tensions with the middle east, a struggling economy, and rampant corruption in the US government, most media deferred to the Woods story as a spokesperson for Woods' legal team announced publicly that there are more than the originally-known five women who have come forward to confirm that they've been sleeping with Golf's Mega-Star. In fact, the spox reported, no less than 36 additional "victims" have joined the ranks of those purportedly being boinked, or who had at one time been boinked, by Woods on a regular basis.

Some of the names added to the list are familiar faces, while others are not. Martha Stewart has held a press conference admitting that she and "The Tiger" have been "tight" [Martha winks to photogs] for about five years now, including numerous romps at Tiger's posh hideaway near Big Sur. Retired Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher reluctantly admitted her on-going affair with the sports legend, as did Hillary Clinton, Jane Fonda, Christie Brinkley, Helena Louisa Garcia, the girl at the local Starbucks, a motel maid near Disneyland, Minnie Mouse, David Letterman's wife, David Letterman, David Letterman's cousin "Vicky Lopez", David Letterman's dog, Ed McMahon, Geraldo Rivera's mistress "Lucy-Lou Epstein", Glenn Beck's sister, the entire female staff of the Hilton Hotel in Puerto Rico last year, some girls on the beach outside of San Diego, the woman who played the maid in the Brady Bunch, and her daughter, Courtney Love (only once on that one), this reporter, this reporter's FREAKING MOTHER, some attorney in Seattle named Elena Garella, Michelle Obama, Michael Jackson's mom, the Queen of England and a bunch of others whose names I forget.

According to the Woods-camp legal team, most of the women, and all of the men, are seeking monetary compensation from Tiger, claiming he "degraded their moral fabric", thus making it hard for them to either keep their jobs, or to find new employment in the future. Tiger's soon-to-be-ex wife, Elin Nordegren, has brought in her own legal team to force the star to renegotiate their prenuptual agreement. "Elin's asking for 99.99% of Tiger's worth," admitted one of Tiger's attorneys, "on the grounds that she has now been made [by Tiger's actions] to look like 'a money-grubbing whore', and because of that, she will find it difficult to find suitable employment once she kicks Tiger out."

Tiger's response was...."Huh?"

A number of world-class golf courses have announced that Tiger is now on their list of "persona non grata" ex-members, stating that they just don't need "that kind of stink hanging around", while a larger number of five-star courses around the world hail Woods as a hero, suggesting that Woods is "the man of the hour" at their establishments, and always will be.

Tiger has apologized publicly for his behavior and claims he has signed up for professional psychological help as a "sex addict", but adds that he really doesn't have a lot of time for silly things like that, and thinks his energies could be more profitably spent learning the secrets of clandestine CIA operatives around the world. "Ah just ain't been too smurt," admitted Woods. "Ah im goin' to promise ta do bettah. Thet woman won't ketch me nex tahm no how."

Tiger said he would speak no more on the topic, and suggested that the media "get a life" and leave him the hell alone.

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 9 (internal stock #260)
Written:
-----
Placement:
------
Newspaper Headline: Local "Hottie" Admits: "I've had a five year sexual relationship with Tiger"-
Image Descrip. or Quip: Tiger's Newest Conquest
Image?: -----
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Body Text: PENDING

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 10 (internal stock #261)
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Body Text: PENDING

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 11 (internal stock #262)
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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 12 (internal stock #263)
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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 13 (internal stock #264)
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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 14 (internal stock #265)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 15 (internal stock #266)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 16 (internal stock #267)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 17 (internal stock #268)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 18 (internal stock #269)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 19 (internal stock #270)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 20 (internal stock #271)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 21 (internal stock #272)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 22 (internal stock #273)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 23 (internal stock #274)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 24 (internal stock #275)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 25 (internal stock #276)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 26 (internal stock #277)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 27 (internal stock #278)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 28 (internal stock #279)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 29 (internal stock #280)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 30 (internal stock #281)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 31 (internal stock #282)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 32 (internal stock #283)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 33 (internal stock #284)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 34 (internal stock #285)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 35 (internal stock #286)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 36 (internal stock #287)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 37 (internal stock #288)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 38 (internal stock #289)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 39 (internal stock #290)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 40 (internal stock #291)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 41 (internal stock #292)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 42 (internal stock #293)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 43 (internal stock #294)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 44 (internal stock #295)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 45 (internal stock #296)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 46 (internal stock #297)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 47 (internal stock #298)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 48 (internal stock #299)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 49 (internal stock #300)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 50 (internal stock #301)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 51 (internal stock #302)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 52 (internal stock #303)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 53 (internal stock #304)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 54 (internal stock #305)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 55 (internal stock #306)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 56 (internal stock #307)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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Item # Pre-Written Fake Newspapers -- Article 57 (internal stock #308)
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Is this what you had in mind but......not quite? Write your own from scratch!

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