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C-1

BASE Jumper

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Police tackle BASE jumper upon touchdown from Centennial Plaza stunt

BASE Jumper Apprehended

Police, Fire Units Respond

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

Well known local daredevil and adventurer Casey Jones got a surprise Saturday afternoon when he BASE jumped (parachuted) from the roof of a relatively small apartment building in downtown Seattle. Police were waiting for him to touch down.

"I've BASED about 90 buildings across the country," says an angry Jones. "I've been arrested about twenty times out of all those jumps. But I've never been beaten like I was on Saturday! That was ridiculous!"

A team of "about twenty" SPD officers were alerted to Jones's stunt, and had assembled at the most likely landing area on 4th and Vine.

Witnesses reported that Jones touched down, and then immediately put his hands in the air as a token of surrender.

"Then the cops just charged him like it was a football game," said a bystander. "That guy (Jones) didn't have a chance! He wasn't aggressive in any way. He knew he was being arrested, and he wanted to just go with the flow. You could see that. So why did the cops beat the hell out of him like that?"

Bob Charlen, a senior Detective with SPD, said that he couldn't comment formally on the case until all the facts were in, but it appeared that Jones "had made a threatening move", and that was the motivation for the police team to tackle him.

Jones said, "It's ironic---the jumps are always perfectly safe. It's the landing parties that're going to kill me."

See DAREDEVILS, A New Breed, Page D-5

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C-2

Bear Comes to Town

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Local businesses visited by carnivorous patron.

Bear Finds Way to Fife

Police, Fire, Animal Control Units Respond

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A young bear found its way into the Fife industrial area this morning, and was cornered by law enforcement and animal control officials.

"The animal just wandered around looking at things," commented a county animal control executive. Apparently the bear was observed shaking locked doors in the area, and using his considerable weight to try to push the doors inward.

"It's highly unusual for a bear to make it all the way into inhabited areas like this," said another animal control employee. "Of course there are bears outside of town, but I can't see this animal making it all the way over here unnoticed. Someone would have called it in."

No zoo in the area reported any missing animals, and animal control personnel suggested that the bear appeared to have been living in the wild, as opposed to having come from a zoo.

Police set up a perimeter while animal control distracted the animal long enough for a zoo veterinarian to dart it. The bear did not immediately 'go to sleep' however, and spectators were kept out of the area until it was cleared sometime after 7 a.m..

"We try to never be surprised," said one man from animal control. "But sometimes we are."

The bear was loaded into a truck, given a complete physical, and taken to an undisclosed location.

"This bear won't have to be put down," said Earl Wanker, an associate at the Zoo. "He maintained his manners and didn't eat anybody. He was just curious---and maybe hungry. He'll be introduced back into the wild."

Residents and business owners should sleep a little better tonight, knowing that.

See WILD ANIMALS Page D-5

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C-3

Screw Loose

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

X-Ray shows bolt embedded in skull.

Headache Sufferer Diagnosed

Doctors Baffled

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Port Ludlow man may have finally found the source of migraine headaches he has suffered for over twenty five years.

Casey Jones, a retired minister, sought the help of doctors dozens of times over the years, but none could alleviate his chronic headaches.

"They put me on this drug, then that drug," Jones said. "I think all the drugs over the years have caused me more discomfort than the headaches."

Finally, in August of 2000, Mr. Jones was being treated for an unrelated ailment when his doctor ordered a series of head x-rays.

"When we put up the first film," said Jones's physician, Dr. Bill Campbell, "we all just sort of stood back and no one said anything. Then someone chuckled, because we assumed the x-ray technician was having some fun with us."

"The doctor came in and was kind of laughing, and he said I had to do the x-rays again," said Jones. "So I figured 'what the heck', and I went in and did them all over again."

"When the second series showed the same results, we stopped laughing," said Dr. Campbell. "But no one could think of anything to say, either. We just stared at the films, and no one knew what to do next, or how to advise the patient."

Several more series were taken over the next weeks by two different labs, and all the results were the same: Casey Jones had a bolt in his head.

"They questioned me at length," said Jones, "trying to figure out how the bolt might have gotten there. They found a small scar behind my right ear, and we figured that's where the bolt entered. I was in an industrial accident many years ago, and I did have a cut behind my ear there," Mr. Jones continued, "and it was sore for a long time, but I never suspected this."

Doctors believe Jones's bizarre condition is not life threatening, and they are exploring ways to alleviate the headaches the bolt seems to cause.

Casey's wife, Hazel, saw the humor in the situation, however, when she commented, "Now I know he's got a screw loose!"

See 'Strange But True' Page D-5

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C-4

Fakey Alien Abduction

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Victim asserts alien photo (above left) is genuine

First Documented Abduction

Dozens of Witnesses in Mall Parking Lot

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Kent woman, Casey Jones has filed a report with the Pierce County Sheriff's office claiming that she was abducted by aliens while attempting to unlock her car door after shopping at Auburn's Supermall. Dozens of witnesses support the allegation.

"I was just getting in my car to go home," said Casey. "I was tired. I'd been shopping for hours. All of a sudden, I heard this weird kind of 'whirring' noise. I looked up, and there it was---a bright light was right above me. It was coming from the bottom of a disk-shaped craft. I could see little aliens looking at me out of small portholes. Then the light got even brighter, and the next thing I knew, I was sitting on the pavement next to my car, and there were people standing all around me."

Witnesses corroborate virtually every detail of Casey's statement. Apparently the Kent resident was "beamed" into the saucer, then spirited away for "about an hour". Then the craft returned, and deposited Ms. Jones right back next to her car.

Casey has subsequently undergone extensive hypnosis therapy, which also tends to support her entire story.

"A lot was revealed during hypnosis," said Casey. "For instance, they (the aliens) told me that they are very concerned for our environment. They told me that I must spread the word and convince the world's population to stop polluting. It's a huge responsibility. They also seemed very concerned over the current world shortage of Rocky Road ice cream. This seems to be one of their most profound priorities. They want me to appeal to the ice cream industries of the world to step up production of this vital food source. They warn that there could be 'serious consequences' if this is not done. I don't know what they mean by that," she added.

Other than that, though, Casey says the aliens are friendly, intelligent, and witty, demonstrating a peculiar strain of dry humor.

"Before they dropped me off," continued Ms. Jones. "We buzzed the White House and made all their lights flick on and off. Those little guys laughed and laughed. It was a blast."

The investigation is continuing.

See 'Indications of a Growing Alien Threat' Page D-5

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C-5

Sperm Donor

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Baby's biological father (inset). Baby (above) bears startlingly human features.

Genetics Research Advances; Experiments Right or Wrong?

It's a boy!

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

The newborn belongs to Vaughn and Julie, a couple of African Gorillas residing at Seattle's Woodland Zoo. The pair has been caged together for fourteen years and this is their second offspring to live.

"Their first baby, a girl, was natural in every way," says Dr. John Weston, Gorilla specialist at the zoo, and the man in charge of genetics experiments for a chain of Zoos from San Diego to Vancouver, B.C. "But this one.......this one is, uh, different."

Casey Jones, a local resident of Kent and an employee for Hanson warehousing, was in college 23 years ago when this all began.

"I needed the money," Casey shrugged. "They offered me $25 for my sperm. I signed a bunch of waivers. And I forgot about it."

But Casey's small contribution wasn't forgotten by science. Four years ago geneticists began experimenting with techniques to clone certain characteristics of humans and gorillas together. That research has resulted in "Frankie", the baby, uh, gorilla/human shown above.

"He's as healthy as a horse," beamed Dr. John. It's too early to know exactly what we've produced. His facial features obviously appear very human, but who can say what else is human?"

Casey Jones has refused to discuss the matter at length, except to say that he has gone into intensive psychiatric therapy to deal with the ramifications of having produced a modern day "ape boy". Mr. Jones appeared dazed and confused during this interview.

"He needs his rest," offered a family friend. "He just needs lots and lots of rest."

See 'Indications of a Growing Alien Threat' Page D-5

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C-6

Lotto Winner

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Three lucky Washingtonians (inset) among twenty three to win Lottery.

Biggest Jackpot in National PowerBall Lotto!

Washingtonian Buys Lotto Ticket on Dare

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

Twenty three people from almost as many states will share a whopping $100 million in one of the Nation's largest lottery payoffs.

Split twenty three ways, the winners will receive over four million each. After taxes, the amounts could be as little as 2.5 million bucks, but, as one Washington winner, Casey Jones says, "That still ain't chump change!"

Paul Jacoby, a winner from Edmonds, Washington, says he bought his ticket while getting gas on the way to work in downtown Seattle. "Even if I only end up with the two million or whatever, that's still more than I'd make in my lifetime," Mr. Jacoby beamed.

Janine Broderick is a successful real estate agent in Bellevue, East of Seattle, and commented that 2.5 mil is roughly equal to her annual earnings for the past few years. "Still," she said, "this is great. This will buy me a new kitchen!"

Jones says she plans to sink the bulk of the four mil, before taxes, into various tax deferred investment plans. The remainder, she said, will buy a little bungalow in the South Pacific, and that's where she'll stay. "I'm ready to retire from the human race," Ms. Jones said. "What would I do around here? If it's a choice between loafing in the cold weather, or loafing in a tropical paradise, it's really a no-brainer." Asked if she'd give notice at her job, Jones laughed and turned away.

Though none of the Washingtonians attended, twenty of the winners traveled to Chicago for the award ceremony. After the banquet, the group parted with no plans to stay in touch.

See AMERICA'S FREE MONEY CRAZE Page D-5

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C-7

Double Decker Outhouse

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Double-decker outhouse says "Management" and "Employees"

New Toilet Facilities Installed at Local Warehouse

A Joke in the Poorest Taste? Or Something More Sinister?

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

An unlikely structure was discovered in front of the Acme warehouse in Kent, this morning. And no one seems to know how it got there.

Workers arrived for their early morning shift on Thursday to find a "double-decker outhouse" sitting in front of the customer load-out dock. On the top level, there is a sign which says "Management", and the sign on the lower unit, directly below that, reads: "Employees". The hole from the top unit empties directly onto the head of someone who might sit in the lower unit.

"This is in the poorest possible taste," commented Paul Johnson, an executive with the firm. "We can't believe that anyone would think this is funny."

Eric Smith, manager of the complex, vowed to get to the bottom of the stunt. "Whoever did this will pay the price," said Mr. Smith. "We have little management / employee disagreements from time to time, like any large company, but this....this is just disgusting."

Several hourly employees milled around the spectacle during their break periods. Most thought the whole thing was hilarious.

"This is in the best possible taste," John Walker chuckled. "I'd like to meet the man responsible for this and shake his hand."

Pete Ogden didn't quite agree. "This is just going to cause us trouble," he said. "Management will be out to get us for sure, now."

Secretary Carol Joy refused comment altogether, while Dave Smothers thought it was all just mild entertainment with no political agenda attached. "It's just good, clean fun," commented Mr. Smothers. "Personally, I think Gary James is responsible. That's what I've heard, anyhow."

Acme management was busily trying to make arrangements to have the "atrocity" removed and disposed of; however the outhouse remained as of press time.

"This is not good advertising," lamented one member of the management team who asked to be identified as "Caryl. "When I find the responsible party, there'll be some blood-letting. And you can count on it."

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C-8

Pup in Tree

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Puppy lodged in tree near 11th Street park.

Tragedy Averted for Pup

Local Man Saves the Day

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A puppy found itself in a bizarre predicament Friday as it was discovered wedged in the fork of a tree near the 11th street park.

Fire units responded to the call around noon, when several children noticed the dog. The puppy was approximately forty five feet off the ground, and the children were unable to climb that high to rescue it.

John Decker, of the Kent Fire Dept., said, "We got a hi-rigger (bucket boom) on the scene, and tried to get it up to the dog, but the area was strewn with power lines and other tree branches. It was going to be a long and tedious process to get the bucket up to the dog. Frankly, we didn't think the puppy would stay stuck in the tree like that---it looked like he would slip out at any moment. We weren't sure what we were going to do."

Several minutes after the first units arrived, a passerby stopped and asked firemen to help him hold a large blanket near the base of the tree, so as to catch the pooch if it fell.

Meanwhile, Casey Jones was watching the bizarre event unfold from a nearby drive-in where he was spending his lunch hour. Casey is a dispatcher for a local trucking company, Dart International.

"I knew the puppy didn't have much time left," said Jones. "It was barely wedged in there. It could fall at any second."

Firefighters said that while they pondered their next move, a man bolted from the drive-in, ran straight to the tree, and just started shinning up like a monkey. That man was Casey Jones.

But Jones was almost too late. When he was only about five feet below the pup, it wriggled loose and fell.

"I figured that was it for the pup," said Jones. But luck was on everyone's side.

As the dog fell straight toward Jones, it glanced off a branch. That deflected the pup's path so that it was going to miss the blanket that was being held to catch it. Jones let go of the tree with his hands, then swung out and tried to snatch the dog in mid-air. He didn't quite get it, but he was able to alter its fall just enough so that the firemen on the ground could catch it in their blanket.

"Casey slipped down the tree about eight feet after that," said a fireman. "We thought we were going to lose him then, instead of the dog. But he managed to grab a big branch as he slid past it, and caught himself. He (Jones) was able to get down from there."

The pooch was fine---and apparently very glad to be on the ground again. Jones suffered minor scrapes and cuts, but says he'd do it again, anytime.

The pooch's owner had not been located as of press time, and speculation continues as to how the lucky little dog got up there in the first place. Aliens?

See 'Strange and Bizarre', Page D-5

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C-9

Skydiving Car

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Skydivers exit vehicle as it plummets to earth

Bizarre Stunt Goes Off Without Hitch

Area Skydivers Drop Car from 8000 Feet

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

Four Western Washington skydivers set up and performed a bizarre in-air stunt on Saturday, about 15 miles east of Ellensburg. The feat was organized by world famous adventurer Casey Jones, and filmed for the upcoming Hollywood movie, "Style".

Jones arranged to have the automobile dropped from a helicopter at 8000 feet.

"We exited the car at about 6000 feet," said Casey. "Then the script called for us to fly back into the car and sit there through 1000 feet. Then we were allowed to get out and deploy out chutes. It was a fun ride. I could do that all day long!"

The other three parachutists were local men and associates of Jones from other jobs around the world. All three work out of the jump center at Kapowsin, Washington.

The car impacted an empty field right on target, going about 160 mph straight down. The gasoline tank had been removed from the car prior to hauling it up to 8000 feet, so there was no danger of explosion. In addition, all air traffic was cleared from the area.

"We didn't want to see a 2000 pound missile go down through the wing of some Cessna," chuckled Jones.

The car, a 1967 Camaro, left a hole in the ground about four feet deep. It was hauled off later in the afternoon by a local auto wrecker.

Jones travels to Antarctica next month to freefall from 10,000 feet directly into a blimp. "Hopefully," said Jones, "I'll punch right on through the blimp, and will pop my chute once I'm below it. That's the plan anyhow. We'll see!"

See 'Daredevils; Natural Selection' Page D-5

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C-10

Slacker Award

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Local man, Casey Jones (above) awarded Kent's "Slacker of the Year".

Local Man Gets Coveted Slacker Award

Says He's Worked Hard for the Honor and Feels He Deserves It.

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Seattle employee for Hanson Inc. was awarded the city's first annual "Slacker Award" today. Casey Jones, a dock worker for a local warehouse, was chosen in a unanimous vote by friends, fellow employees, and, surprisingly, by the Kent City Council.

"We've never seen so many people pull together in such a concerted effort." Said Eileen Johnson, who worked on the nomination committee. "It was so refreshing to see so many of Kent's citizens utterly galvanized in this movement. We all wanted Casey to win. He was the natural choice. In fact," Ms. Johnson added, lowering her voice, "Casey was the only nominee."

When asked why the city decided to award the honor this year, the Mayor was quoted as saying, "Mr. Jones's level of commitment and his attendance

record of late just seemed to call out to the community: 'I'm a slacker!

I'm the King of Slackers everywhere! Recognize me!' "Well," the Mayor went on, "we just couldn't ignore this man's accomplishment. It deserved attention and recognition, and that's what we're giving him."

Jones will be enjoying the fruits of his award soon. The city plans to have a gift certificate delivered to the Jones residence. Officially, it's contents were unknown; however this reporter has learned from reliable sources that Mr. Jones will be given a certificate for "Dinner for One at Burger World," (redeemable only at the Miami outlet).

Comments from the man's superiors at Hanson Inc. were less than gracious, with Mr. Jones's boss saying candidly, "I hope he chokes."

See SLACKERS, a sleazy new class of American, Page D-5

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C-11

UFO Over City

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Mysterious object in sky over Tacoma.

Unidentified Object Over City

Calls Flood Police and Media

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

An unidentified object hovered for about fifteen minutes today over west Tacoma before vanishing without a trace in an eastward direction.

Hundreds of calls flooded Tacoma Police lines and local news papers, radio stations and television studios, as witnesses tried to make sense of what they saw.

"This is an unusual case," stated John Pilluk, spokesman for MUFON, an International UFO reporting and research agency. "There's lots of documentation in the (Tacoma) case in the form of videotape and pictures, but we're not willing yet to say it was of extraterrestrial origin. We just don't know what it was."

McChord Air Force Base officially stated that they had no "unusual" aircraft in the area, and military officials also stated that they were not tracking any objects over west Tacoma.

The object was witnessed by numerous police and fire officials, but their accounts were varied and speculative. One Tacoma Policeman who asked not to be identified, said

he felt it was definitely a balloon of some type, and that it was merely hovering in stagnant winds.

But the Tribune also spoke with numerous local pilots who all agreed that there was plenty of wind to move the object away, had it been a balloon or a hoax of some type.

Some witnesses said they could see the object spinning, while others said it definitely did not spin at all.

Estimations of the object's position were varied as well. Many witnesses claimed the object was hovering only a few hundred yards in the air near a 6th avenue strip mall, while other reports came in which suggested the object was high above Point Defiance.

"We may never figure this one out," said Pilluk. "We'd love to be able to say this is a definite and indisputable sighting of an extraterrestrial craft, but we're just not there yet."

On Tuesday night, Seattle television stations reported large, bright green lights which "criss-crossed" the skies over Seattle and Edmonds for several minutes. It is unknown if there was any connection to the Tacoma sighting.

See EXTRATERRESTRIALS Page D-5

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C-12

Husband Killer

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Body Parts (above left) Found in Suspect's car

Local Woman Sought in Grisly Homicide

Suspect Believed Still in Area

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

On a routine traffic stop Thursday night, police discovered the remains of what appears to be a Caucasian male. A female, Casey Jones, shown above right, is being sought by police in connection with the grisly crime.

"I performed a routine stop about 7 p.m.," says patrolman Amos Blackfield. "I wasn't expecting anything unusual. When the suspect's car had almost come to a stop, a woman bailed from the driver's seat and disappeared into thick brush off of Maple Road. I called for backup and then went on foot pursuit, but she had slipped away in the twilight."

The officer returned to the suspect's car and was shocked to find a number of body parts in plastic bags on the passenger side floor.

"We discovered two feet, two eyes, one hand, and some miscellaneous organs, you know, a lung, a liver, and whatnot," stated Detective Jorgenson. "I really can't comment beyond that. We don't know where the rest of this person is. We need the suspect to tell us that. We're hoping this girl will just come in and talk to us."

The partial body is presumed to be that of the suspect's husband, who did not show up for work Tuesday and was reported missing by his family.

Ms. Jones's co-workers expressed only mild surprise at the incident.

"We knew she was capable of something like that," stated Dave Brown, a truck driver employed by Casey's company, Dart International. "We've all had some pretty scary encounters with her. She's always made me uneasy. She used to keep little dolls in her desk drawer. Dolls with no heads. She was unbalanced. We all knew it."

Another employee, who asked to be called "Timmy", suggested that Casey's husband might have deserved such a gruesome end. "It's pretty clear to us that Casey had something going with her boss, and together they off'ed the husband. He wasn't much. That's what we all think, anyhow."

A $2000 reward has been offered for Casey Jones, by the family of her husband.

"We'll git thet bitch," commented a distraught family member. "She can run, but she can't hide."

Anyone having information as to the whereabouts of Casey Jones should contact Kent Police immediately.

"We believe Ms. Jones is armed with a rather large knife. And it's obvious she's extremely callous and dangerous," a police spokesperson said. "Don't try to apprehend this woman yourself."

See "Women: Violent Killers" Page D-5

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C-13

Outlaw Bikers

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Rear tire literally on fire as outlaw biker rolls on throttle

Outlaw Bikers Hit Seattle

Bikers Used to Ride "Hogs". Now They Ride 220 mph Missiles.

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

The Capital Hill area of Seattle fell victim to another onslaught of so called "outlaw bikers" Saturday night. The group consisted of about 14 men and 3 women on new, very fast, mostly Japanese motorcycles.

"We're seeing a new breed on the streets these days," says Seattle Detective Maurice Constance. "We used to have to deal with a lot of felons on Harleys, or 'Hogs'. Those bikes were relatively slow, and they weren't all that reliable. Many times we'd be in pursuit of a lawbreaker on a hog, and his bike would give up the ghost before the rider did. We could pretty much always catch 'em."

But the new biker is different. Conversations with local motorcycle dealers reveal that many off-the-shelf sport bikes nowadays can top 200 mph, and can go much faster with only a little custom tuning. In addition, they're getting to those higher speeds much, much faster than the old technology Harleys. Some new bikes can do 0 to 60 mph in under 2 seconds.

"That's fast," admits John Boker, an SPD motorcycle patrolman. "Even our own Japanese machines can't begin to match that."

The "gang" that terrorized Capital Hill Saturday night was made up of 20-35 year old "hooligans", as one officer described them. "They scared the hell out of women, children, dogs and Goths," said the cop. "And we only made one arrest, one 'Casey Jones'. He's one of the worst, and he's going to pay."

See "Bikers; The New Breed" Page D-5

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C-14

Crippled Airliner

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Airliner "drags" in low and slow at SeaTac; smoke billows, crowds gather

Another Emergency Landing at SeaTac

Passenger Plays Critical Role in Dangerous Landing

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Confederated airliner made an emergency landing at SeaTac International Airport last week after developing a malfunction in-flight.

Alaska Air flight 345 was grounded at LAX due to a computer glitch in scheduling, so 119 passengers were rerouted to the Confederate flight as a courtesy by Alaska Air.

"We thought we were doing our customers a kindness (by re-routing them to another flight)," said Darlene McKinley, spokesperson for the airline. "Of course we had no way of knowing something like this would happen."

The flight was enroute to Seattle when one engine displayed a fire warning at 34,000 feet.

"Everything had been uneventful until then," commented the co-pilot. "When we were forced to shut down the starboard engine, the plane naturally yawed. But the yaw was extreme and the cause of such an extreme yaw was unknown to us at the time. Apparently the fire in that engine had weakened a large section of the wing, and that section was causing the drag that caused the yaw. It's kind of like you're flying sideways," the co-pilot added. "It's very uncomfortable and the plane is quite hard to handle in that configuration."

The pilot had his hands full controlling the plane, while the co-pilot was forced to place both feet on the left hand rudder pedal to keep the plane from yawing even more.

"That engine kept re-igniting," said Shirley Andersen, senior flight attendant on the flight. "We had to keep pulling the fire handle to put out the fire. I had to do that, since the flight crew was busy keeping us in the air. But we also had quite a few of the passengers with emergencies of their own. We had two heart attacks in First Class alone. That's when Mr. Jones stepped up to the cockpit and asked if he could help."

"I'll be honest with you-we were glad to have him," the co-pilot continued. "We put Casey to work at the Halon control, and whenever we got a flare-up in the starboard engine, Casey fired the (fire) suppressant and knocked the flames down. We were only about 20 minutes out of SeaTac by that time, but it was still a long 20 minutes. We all applaud Mr. Jones. He was a great help and we won't forget him."

The plane landed safely at Sea-Tac.

See Airline Safety Page D-5

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C-15

Ten Passenger Motorcycle

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Seattle Man Announces New Concept in Mass Transportation

"This machine will revolutionize mass transit."

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

"This machine will revolutionize mass transit," says inventor Casey Jones.

Jones is so sure he's on the right track that he has mortgaged his home to finance mass production of the unusual motorcycle.

The vehicle is a hybrid made from components of nearly a dozen production bikes. Jones said he took the best from all, and left the mistakes.

The odd contraption has been dubbed "The Centipede". Jones says he does not support the handle.

"She puts out almost 200 horse," says Jones. "Her frame is strong enough to hold the weight of ten 'full figured' passengers. And she'll do about 80 mph."

Jones hopes to start production within five months, under the trade name "Shizzam! Motors Inc."

DOT officials admitted that Jones is seeking to license the vehicle as a taxi.

"I can compete with any cab company in America with a fleet of these," said Jones.

The company is taking orders; the ten passenger model will retail for about $26,000, or $3000 over the price of a four-wheel taxi cab.

See Honda Stock UP Page D-5

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C-16

Contest Winner

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Trophy Awarded to Local Girl

Seattle Hairdresser Wins 'Miss Western Washington'

Judges Voted Unanimously---First Time in 94 Year Contest History

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A three man/two woman panel voted unanimously today to award the state's 94th "Miss Western Washington" to Casey Jones. She was chosen from a roster of over four hundred ladies, with twenty three making it as far as the finals. This is the first time in the contest's history that the vote was unanimous.

"Casey is a heart throb in every sense of the word," commented 57 year old judge Thomas Brighton. "As the contest progressed, we were all left fairly speechless. Ms. Jones's charm was captivating, her intelligence was like a sunbeam in a dark and irrational world, her beauty was utterly unsurpassed. No other contestant came close in my estimation."

Ms. Jones will formally assume her duties in about two months time. She will continue her hairdressing career with 5th Ave Barbers in Seattle. Ms. Jones has vehemently refused a million dollar photo-op offer from Playboy, saying she doesn't feel that's what the region needs right now.

"I have lots of plans for the betterment of our area," says Casey. "But taking my clothes off for money isn't among them."

Darlene Johnson, one of the two female judges on the panel, said simply, "Casey is a Princess. Her heart is true and her mind is straight. We love her."

See Contest Principles and Goals Page D-5

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C-17

Plane in Wires

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Light Planes Hangs in Wires

Private Plane Crashes Near Industrial Area

Pilot Feels Lucky to be Alive

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

Pilot Casey Jones says he feels lucky to be alive after an incident which left 30,000 without power for twelve hours yesterday.

"I was flying with my wife at about 4000 feet over the edge of town. We were sort of, you know, making out," Jones admitted a little sheepishly. "We've done it before. It was no big deal. But, well, I don't know---something just went wrong. Next thing I knew, the plane had stalled. I tried to recover, but a part of my wife's clothing got hooked on the yoke, and I couldn't push it forward."

That kept the plane in a stall for about 3700 feet. With only 300 feet to spare, Mr. Jones was able to start recovering from the stall, but he still couldn't miss the wires.

"Sure it was scary," said the pilot. "We figured we'd bought the farm. If it hadn't been for the wires, we probably would have hit one of the buildings."

The FAA is investigating, and will decide later whether or not to cite the private pilot.

"We see quite a few of these," said John Kenny, FAA inspector. "I investigate maybe 20 cases a year."

The plane was extracted from the power lines by crane later in the day.

There were no reported injuries.

See 'Mile-High Club' Page D-5

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C-18

Toilet Computer

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Your Spouse Spends How Much Time On-Line?

One Woman Says Enough!

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Kent Man, Casey Jones, spends so much time on-line that he has moved his desk into his bathroom to reflect the needs of his lifestyle.

"It's all fully functional," says Jones. "I spend a lot of time at both activities, so why not consolidate my schedule?"

The family has two bathrooms, so Mr. Jones is free to spend as much time as he likes, uh, "working"..

"Now I don't have to feel rushed no matter what I'm doing."

Casey's wife, Delann, says this is the last straw.

"I hardly ever saw him before this!" she fumes. "Now, I'm tempted to just seal off the door and slip his meals through the crack. After all, what reason would he ever have to come out again? Maybe someday the toilet will overflow and he'll drown. I guess when his emails stop, we'll know he's dead."

See America's Laziest People Page D-5

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C-19

Meteor Destroys Home

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Meteor Roars Through Sky, Impacts on Rainier Beach Residence

Meteor Demolishes Local Home

"Hopefully Not Precursor to Bigger Event," Say Scientists

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

At 11:05 A.M. Pacific time, Monday, a meteor of unknown size rocketed through the skies of the western United States. But where would it land?

"We didn't even see it coming," said Paul Zurflu, a spokesman for the Lowell Observatory outside of Flagstaff, Arizona. "Generally, when there's a 'significant event' in the offing, even if we don't see it, someone will call it to our attention to it so we can take a look. But there was no warning whatsoever in this case, and that's a little frightening."

Hundreds of drivers and pedestrians stopped and watched in awe---and some in terror-as the ghastly sight plummeted through the atmosphere.

"It was just like the movie," said one couple. "You think it won't really ever happen, but this is proof that it not only can, it will."

Alex Martinez, whose house was utterly flattened by the disaster, said he was unable to fully express how he felt.

"I'm glad we weren't home, for one thing," said Martinez. "But once you get over the relief of that, you start to think about your house, your pets, all your belongings, all the things insurance can never replace. Then the really scary part hits you: Will insurance even cover this? I don't remember checking the box on the policy for 'meteor protection'. It could be that we're really wiped out, and we just don't know it yet."

Scientists say that meteors often come in "groups", or "meteor showers".

"There's no way to predict what could happen in the next few days to a week," said Paul Zurflu. "We've got people looking---I think it's safe to say there are thousands of people looking after this event. But right now there's no way to know anything for sure. This could be a one-time, isolated event, or it could be the remains of a larger rock, and dozens of more fragments, larger or smaller, could come in at any time. This epitomizes the need for a great deal more funding in this area. This was a complete surprise, and it shouldn't have been."

See New Data from Mars Probe Page D-5

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C-20

Not Used

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

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C-21

Motorcycle Bungee

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Local Man Rolls Off Bridge Near Twin Falls, Idaho

Bungee Jumpers Take Stunt One Step Further

"This has got to stop!" says Twin Falls Policeman.

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Tacoma man has pulled off an amazing feat by bungee-jumping his motorcycle from the I.B. Perrine Bridge outside of Twin Falls, Idaho over the weekend. The jump covered the entire distance to the river, 265 feet below.

"It was a perfect jump," beamed Casey Jones. "I was able to just dip the front wheel into the river. I scooped a handful of water, then the bungee pulled me back up. It was magical."

Promoters of the stunt filed with Guinness to have the feat recorded as a record, but since the event wasn't monitored by official Guinness staff, the request was denied.

Asked what his next adventure might be, Casey smiled and said, "I can't be specific, but it might have something to do with a tall and unique building in Seattle. We're still working out the technical side of it."

Although neither Jones or his crew was arrested at the time of the stunt, the Idaho Highway Patrol has made it known that it would like to speak with Jones, or anyone else connected with the stunt, "as soon as possible."

See Daredevil Splats After Montreal Jump Page D-5

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C-22

Machine Gun Fisherman

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Local Man Taken into "Protective Custody"

Local Man Causes Stir

"He just kept saying, 'I Never Catch a Fish'!"

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A local man, Casey Jones, was taken into custody Sunday morning after numerous fishermen called in to police headquarters that there was a 'crazy man' loose on the lake.

Officers responded, but didn't have a boat with which to approach the subject.

"We stationed units along the shore," said Paul Ripley of the county Sheriff's office. "We didn't want this guy to get away."

Officers with Fish and Game finally arrived on scene with a boat and transported sheriff's deputies out to where the suspect was motoring around in the odd little craft.

"As we approached him, we kept our guns trained on him, naturally," reported a spokesman for Fish and Game. "We started calling to him through a bullhorn, but the man didn't seem to be aware of our approach. We couldn't figure out what he was up to."

Finally the officers worked their way close enough to the suspect to be able to hear him muttering to himself.

"He seemed to be talking to the fish," said one deputy. "He was just quietly swearing at them. Like 'Elmer Fudd huntin' wabbit'. Then he'd giggle. Then he'd curse them some more. It seemed that he was having trouble catching fish, and had resorted to more 'powerful' means."

"When we came alongside the dingy," said officer Ripley, "he seemed surprised to see us. He had been training his gun (later identified as a .50 caliber machine gun) into the water whenever he thought he saw a shadow, but he never fired it as long as we were on scene."

The man was taken into "protective custody" and his boat and apparatus impounded.

"We're discussing the case with the prosecutor's office," said Ripley. "At this point, we don't know if charges will be filed. We're not sure if he (Jones) even committed a crime. He's been sedated, and we have him under observation. He just keeps muttering about fish, and how hard it was to catch them. He called the fish a lot of names. We don't know what he might have done if we hadn't come along when we did. He might have opened up with that cannon, and that couldn't be a good thing for anyone."

Jones was resting peacefully before press time, and refused an interview.

See America's Dying Ecology Page D-5

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C-23

DB Cooper

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Route of Cooper's 727; Right: The real Daniel (D.B.) Cooper

Hijacker "D.B." Cooper Caught!

FBI Says No Question of Identity: "This is Our Man!"

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

The hijacker actually called himself Dan Cooper; a law officer mistakenly described him to the press as "D.B." and the name stuck.

The original jumping skyjacker, Cooper boarded a Northwest Orient flight for Seattle on Thanksgiving Eve in 1971.

He had no unusual characteristics, flight attendant Larson recalled. He wore a dark suit, dark tie, white shirt and the sunglasses, which he never took off, and chain-smoked.

He also had a black briefcase, which he opened for Larson, showing her a couple of red cylinders, wires and a battery.

Once aloft he threatened to blow up the plane and demanded $200,000 and four parachutes. The plane landed at Sea-Tac to accommodate his demands.

After Cooper's demands were met, he ordered the 727 to again take off from Sea-Tac and then jumped from the rear of the plane somewhere over Washington state.

Cooper dove into a freezing rainstorm at 10,000 feet, wearing only a business suit and loafers. The temperature was 7 below zero, not counting a wind chill factor estimated at minus 70 because of the plane's speed of 200 mph.

When the jet landed in Reno, the stairs were down and Cooper was missing, along with the money and two parachutes.

Despite exhaustive searches, Cooper's body was never found and his whereabouts were unknown.

Until now.

FBI agent Himmelsbach had always believed Cooper either landed in the Columbia and drowned, or died in the mountains and the money was washed out.

But last week a Kent man, Casey Jones, walked into FBI Headquarters in Olympia and provided proof that he was the original Daniel Cooper, AKA "D.B".

"The proof is irrefutable," said John Bookman, special agent with the Olympia Bureau. "Although the case is technically open, we really never thought this could happen. But we've checked and rechecked this man's story and documentation: He's the real thing."

Jones's attorney claims the statutes have run out on any crimes his client "may have" committed in the hijacking. But the FBI and the Justice Department aren't so sure.

"We're checking our list and checking it twice," said a Department spokesman. "Right now Mr. Cooper-or rather Mr. Jones is not in custody, but that could change at any moment."

Jones said he was glad it was finally over. He had undergone extensive plastic surgery in the Seventies to disguise his identity, and had used the loot from the hijacking cautiously all these years.

"I've lived a new life since those dark days back in 1971," said the man. And I'm going to continue enjoying that life."

See More on Cooper, Page D-5

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C-24

KKK

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Local man (center) 'fesses up: I Am the Grand Wizard!

Washington's Grand Wizard for Seven Years Goes Public

"Why Did I Do It? I'm Tired of Being Asked That---It was My Version of an IQ Test for These People. I Wanted to Know if They Could Really Tell the Difference Between a White Man and a Black Man. They Couldn't."

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

The "Good 'Ol Boy" network of KKK members in Washington state was rocked on its heels today as Casey Jones, an African American dock worker for Hanson Inc., announced publicly that he was installed as the KKK's Grand Wizard seven years ago, and has held that position ever since.

"There's no question that's the man," conceded an angry Billy Bob Wanker, spokesman for the NW Chapter of the Klan. "We put (Casey) in that position and we've supported him all these years. We're not sure where the breakdown occurred, but you can be hot-damn sure some heads are gonna roll because of it!"

Casey says he took the position on a lark.

"Everything with those folks is done in secret. Most of them don't even know what the others look like," said Casey. "There was a slip-up nine years ago, when one of the Klan accidentally called me at home and informed me that I'd been

"cleared" to join the KKK by some guy named Jimbo, who was the third cousin of some other guy named Billy Ray, a member of the Klan in good standing. For the heck of it, I played along with the phone call. I never expected it to go further than that. But on the morning of the meeting, I started having crazy thoughts. I attended the meeting that night, with a white sheet over my head of course. Well, those guys liked me. They liked me a lot. And two years later they elected me Grand Wizard. What an honor! I never laughed so hard in my life, and I've been laughing ever since. Hell, I even cancelled my cable TV---who needs more entertainment than this? The KKK has made me a happy man. Watching those guys has been like watching Beavis and Butthead for seven wonderful years. I owe them a lot."

Heads have indeed begun to roll within the inner sanctum of the KKK.

"Frankly," said one KKK member, "We don't know if the Klan can survive this. It's a disaster."

See Intelligence: What is it Exactly? Page

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C-25

Santa Killer

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Suspect shown with Santa; several reindeer lay slain nearby

Santa Claus and Four Reindeer Slain!

Suspect Arrested, Released on Bail

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Tacoma, Washington man, Casey Jones, was arrested Sunday on suspicion of homicide and cruelty to animals. He was taken into custody after witnesses reported the individual shooting at a man in a red suit, who was riding in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, about twenty miles due east of Nome.

"This is a sad case," said Federal Marshal John Menthe. "We've identified the victim as one 'Kris Kringle', AKA Claus, Santa, age, uh, well, I don't have that information. Apparently Mr. Kringle was testing a new sleigh, and conditioning his reindeer for an upcoming trek in December. It's a common event in these parts. -Kind of a practice run for the old guy. Most everyone hereabout knew him."

Casey Jones had been querying local residents regarding this annual practice of Mr. Kringle. Several residents of Nome had been corresponding by mail with Mr. Jones, thinking he was merely interested in writing a story about Kringle.

"We never dreamed that this guy, Jones, had anything sinister on his mind." Said Hannah Barclay, who runs the Nome Chamber of Commerce. "He seemed so polite."

Authorities have traced Mr. Jones's actions during the 24 hours prior to the shooting.

Sheriff Wheldon offered an accounting of the facts his office has uncovered:

"Mr. Jones was tipped by a local that Kringle was out testing his new sleigh. That was on Saturday afternoon. Jones booked a flight to Nome and arrived within eight hours.

The suspect stayed in the 'Log Cabin' motel Saturday night, then headed out into the bush on snow shoes early Sunday morning. He carried with him a Remington .338 Magnum rifle, outfitted with a 15 power Leopold scope. It's not uncommon to see folks troopin' around the countryside with a rifle," added Wheldon. "Bears and all."

"Folks heard the first shots about 10:15 a.m.. A couple of village kids ran their snowmobiles out there to see if someone had had a run-in with a polar bear. But what those poor kids saw was---well, it was..."

Deputy Verger was forced to take up the Sheriff's place:

"Santa was just flyin' across the sky. It's a beautiful sight, if you've never seen it. This guy, Jones, was blasting away with that elephant killer of his. First one reindeer was hit, then another. They were screamin'. The sleigh was startin' to spin toward the ground. Four of the reindeer broke loose of the harness and flew off into the clouds. And Jones, cool as you please, just kept firin'." Deputy Verger paused to compose himself, then went on:

"You can all see the end result. Santa augured in like a meteor. He was probably dead when he hit the ground. Jones finished off the reindeer as they lay tangled in the harness. Then he just stood there with one foot on the old guy, yelling 'YES! YES!', until we cuffed him."

Jones was released on $1,000,000 bond and has returned to Western Washington. He was unavailable for comment at press time.

See Shameless Commercialism Page D-5

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C-26

Child Creature

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Local Woman Cured of Congenital Malformations

"She Looks Almost Completely Normal!"

Early Childhood Photo

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Kent woman has undergone some of the most intensive and invasive plastic surgery ever performed on a human being.

Casey Jones has endured 23 operations in four years to redefine her appearance in its entirety.

"Ms. Jones suffers from a condition known as 'reptilica estradus magnaminous'," said doctor Thomas Elgin, a plastic surgeon of wide repute. "Casey's condition was as severe as any we've seen. Her skin was completely covered in reptilian scales. She had a tail. And you can see for yourself how hideous was her snout. I'll tell you frankly, I was afraid of her. And several of my OR assistants refused to come in the room until Ms. Jones was very securely restrained on the operating table. Oh, sure, there were a lot of jokes, like 'This ain't no veterinary hospital'; you know, crude things like that. But I believe in treating anyone (and anything) that needs my help. I took an oath, after all."

Ms. Jones had been prevented from attending public school because she frightened the other children. And sometimes she bit them. She couldn't talk because her throat was anatomically that of a crocodile. And she never seemed completely comfortable unless she was in the water, the more brackish the better.

"Casey has a whole new life ahead of her," said her doctor. "Yes, we do have some concerns about, well, about the possibilities of producing offspring. We're looking into that. But even if she produced a litter of chomping little crocs, imagine the research opportunities!" the doctor chuckled.

Ms. Jones's medical expenses, which totaled over 3.4 million dollars, have been waived by the hospital on the condition that she allow medical science to study her for the rest of her life.

Casey says she's happy to come forward and tell her story, if it will help others.

"We need to know where creatures like this come from," said a hospital spokesman. "She's a marvelous specimen, and she can teach us a lot. We can't wait to get our hands on her."

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C-27

Backhoe Hits Bridge

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Overturned backhoe stuck under bridge near Fife, Washington

Backhoe Being Hauled on Truck Hits Bridge

DOT Admits Bridge Improperly Marked

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Sequim, Washington truck driver got a surprise Tuesday when the backhoe he was hauling on his 'low-boy' trailer hit the underside of a bridge on I-5 near Tacoma.

"It was a hell of a sudden stop, I'll say that," commented driver Casey Jones. "From sixty to zero in one point three seconds. It gets your attention."

The backhoe was being hauled from San Francisco to Seattle and had completed 99% of the trip with no incident.

"We've measured and re-measured the clearance," admitted DOT investigator Rob Milhouse. "The bridge is not as high as it's supposed to be. There's no mistake." Mr. Millhouse added that recent repairs on the bridge may have inadvertently lowered the clearance a few inches without anyone really paying attention to it.

Truck driver Jones was understandably angry. Asked if he felt he was liable in any way, Jones hesitated, then said, "That's a damned stupid question."

Rob Milhouse of the Dept. of Transportation answered the question differently.

"I don't think there's any question the driver is at fault," said Milhouse. "He may have been issued a document by the DOT which states that all bridges on his approved route are of sufficient height to handle his load. But that doesn't relieve him of the responsibility of making sure that's the case."

Mr. Milhouse was asked what steps a driver might take to assure his load would clear each and every bridge. He replied, "That's not the department's problem. We can't hold these drivers' hands. If they feel they need to stop at every bridge, get out of the truck, and measure the clearance with a tape, then I guess that's what they better do!"

It was unclear at the scene if driver Jones would be cited by Washington State Patrol.

Jones says he's sick of bureaucratic stupidity, and wants to elect Mr. Ed for President.

See Bureaucrats---Can't Live With 'Em---But We Can Sure Live Without 'Em! Page D-5

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C-28

My Anus

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Casey Jones Slips Into Tank of Raw Sewage

So, You Think Your Job Stinks?

Another Day, Another Dollar

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

It's pronounced "my-A-nus, named after William Mianus, town father. It's a real place in Western Washington. And it's all about.....sewage.

The plant consists of a series of huge concrete tanks set in the ground, which are used to direct the flow of sewage through various settling areas. Large valves are set into the concrete in the bottoms and side of the tanks, which may be as deep as 25 feet. Occasionally those valves get plugged, and, just like an overflowing toilet, something needs to be done quickly in order to avoid a horrendous mess.

That's where Casey Jones comes in. He's the employee who's charged with the dubious responsibility of keeping the valves clear.

"Unfortunately," says Jones, "there's no automatic or mechanized way to clear the valves. The engineers have tried to come up with something over the years, but nothing has ever worked as well as a 'hands on' approach."

Several times a day an alarm sounds in the main control booth, and Jones snatches up his mask, snorkel and flippers, and sprints toward the tank that's getting ready to overflow.

"I'm in a hurry," says Jones, "because if the tank does overflow, it's my job to clean up the mess. Think about 800,000 gallons of slippery poop oozing out across the countryside like The Blob. An ounce of prevention is worth a lot here."

When Jones finds the offending tank, he wastes no time in "getting right into" the task.

"I immerse myself in my job," Casey chuckles.

"I used to use SCUBA gear, but it was too time consuming to put all the gear on. And the high concentration of urine in the water tended to disintegrate my wetsuits. I also had a lot of trouble with turds getting stuck in the mechanism of the regulator. When you just use a snorkel, you can cough those babies right on out."

It generally takes Jones about ten minutes to clear a clogged valve. Then he hoses down with one of the lawn sprinklers outside, and returns to the control shack to wait for the next alarm.

"I make about $8 an hour. I just do this part time, after my regular job, to make a few extra bucks. I really enjoy it. Sure, I've had some trouble with diseases. But I keep a bottle of Clorox handy, and I douse any little lesions that pop up, and it kills the parasites and worms too," said Jones. "It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it."

See Occupational Therapy Page D-5

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C-29

Street Prostitution

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Streetwalkers Ply Their Trade in Ponder's Corner Area

Street Prostitution "Out of Control" Says Mayor

Vice to Initiate Major Crackdown

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

Tacoma Vice Detectives announced Thursday that street prostitution in the Ponder's Corner area near Lakewood has become a major concern, which "merits major action".

"We're seeing a 60% increase in street prostitution," said Paul Williams, spokesman for Tacoma PD. "The vast majority of crime that's associated with prostitution stems from the street level, as opposed to organized brothels."

Police arrested 27 women Saturday night alone, for prostitution related charges. Among them was a young girl named Casey Jones.

"Look, I'm just trying to make some friends out here," said Jones. "So what if they give me money? I'm not doing anything wrong. I like lots of people---lots of guys. There's no law against that. Guys like me too. Why can't they (the police) just leave us alone. This is all bull****."

"This girl is a hard case," said Detective Morain. "We've seen her come through the system several times. It won't be long before she graduates from simple prostitution to assaults and robberies. There just aren't enough counseling resources to help steer these girls straight before they end up like Casey here."

The Mayor's office says it simply has no alternative but to crack down, and crack down hard.

See "Young Morals" Page D-5

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C-30

Ferry Sinks

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Ferry Sinks!

119 Rescued

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

The Washington State ferry "D'Sonoqua" was rammed by an Australian freighter today in Elliot Bay. Despite massive salvage and rescue efforts it sank in 43 minutes. There were no fatalities.

At 2:47 p.m. the Australian freighter "Princess of Sydney" entered Elliot Bay under the command of a Washington State pilot from Port Angeles. It was also maneuvering under the direction of the Seattle Traffic Service, a United States Coast Guard service which monitors, directs and advises all shipping traffic on inland waters.

"There was a catastrophic lapse in communications," declared a Coast Guard spokesperson. "It may be months before we get to the bottom of it."

There were dozens of heroes on the scene, mostly pleasure boaters who were cruising in the area and responded to the vessels' MAYDAYs. Coast Guard Officials conceded that the reason there was no loss of life is directly attributable to the heroic actions of those local boaters.

One man, Casey Jones, was credited with the single-handed saving of the Browns, a family of six, when he found them trap-

Continued Page

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C-31

Mugger Gets Surprise

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"Victim", right, demonstrates technique; "suspect" shown on left

Would-Be Mugger Gets Surprise

"That man hasn't got the brains God gave a crowbar if he's gonna mess with me," says victim

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Tacoma man, Harley Birch, thought he'd make a few easy bucks on Saturday. He didn't plan on working for the money though. He figured he'd just take someone else's.

"I work hard for my money," says victim, Casey Jones. "I work at Sears, and I only make about $4 an hour. There's no way that guy was going to get it!"

Ms. Jones was headed for her car in Southcenter parking lot when a man approached her and said he had a gun.

"He said, 'Gimme your money or I'll blow your (expletive) brains out.' But I didn't want to give him my money. And I didn't want him to blow my brains out either."

The victim reportedly retorted, "You take your clothes off and dance like a chicken, or I'll beat you ugly."

Mr. Birch laughed, and that's when Ms. Casey snapped and started beating Mr. Birch with her fists.

"At some point during the altercation," said Detective Perone, "the guy lost his gun and realized he was in trouble. He decided to do as Ms. Jones asked, in hopes she's stop beating on him. He took his clothes off and danced naked in the parking lot. But I guess Ms. Jones wasn't amused, and she laid into him again. Birch finally crawled back to the mall and begged a security guard to call the police. We found the guy naked, bleeding, barely conscious, barricaded in the men's john. We had a heck of a time convincing him to come out. He wasn't coming out until he was sure the victim was no longer in the area."

Mr. Birch is recovering from serious injuries, but he said the incident turned his life around.

"I been in prison quite a few times, but I always came out feeling just the same. Now I gotta rethink some things. That woman was mad," said Birch. "I don't ever want nobody to be that mad at me again!"

Casey Jones suffered no injuries in the altercation except a skinned knuckle, and refused to press charges against Mr. Birch.

"He got what he deserved. He'll be a good boy now, I'm sure of it," said Ms. Jones.

Tukwila police consider the matter closed.

See "Frontier Justice; It's Wrong, but is it Wrong as Often as the Courts? Page

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C-32

Nicest Employee Award

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Warehouse Employee Awarded "Nicest Employee"

City of Seattle Awards Warehouse Employee Title

"It was an easy choice this year," said Gloria Johnson, spokeswoman for the contest.

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Kent woman, Casey Jones, was awarded Kent's 39th annual "Nicest Employee" award. Casey works for XY Enterprizes, a regional distribution center for Hanson Inc. in the valley.

"Well, sure, I'm happy to be chosen," said Ms. Jones, "but," she added in characteristic modesty, "I'm not sure I deserve it."

But her coworkers disagree.

"Casey has always been a rock of helpfulness and compassion," said John Walker, a dock worker. "No matter how unruly or obstinate a customer might become, Casey always has time to help them through a problem or a mix-up. No one deserves this award more than Casey. No one at all."

"I wish I had a whole company made up of Casey Jones's," commented her boss, Rob Smith. "We have a fine crew here, and lots of these folks are deserving of their own awards. But Casey has always been special to us. We wouldn't know what to do without her."

Dave Brown, a truck driver who's in and out of the warehouse most days, said, "I can always count on Casey to be one of the brightest spots in my day. I look forward to stopping at this warehouse just to see her smile."

Paul Moore voiced an almost identical opinion, as did everyone else this reporter spoke with.

"Casey is just a sweet, sweet woman," said another co-worker, Bette Davis. "I don't know if Casey knows how many friends she has here. Maybe it's time we let her know."

"That's just what this award is about," said Gloria Johnson. "...to let someone know when they're cared about and appreciated. We're happy to have someone like Casey Jones to present it to."

See 'Good Help's Hard to Find These Days' Page

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C-33

Outlaw Bikers on Monorail

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Biker nears end of Monorail track at Seattle Center

Seattle Man Arrested After Monorail Stunt

Suspect says, "I didn't see a single "Keep Out" sign!"

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A local man was arrested Saturday after completing a bizarre stunt in which he rode a motorcycle from Westlake Mall to the Seattle Center---about a mile and a half---along the track of the Monorail, over 40 feet above street level.

Scot Hasenkamp was taken into custody without incident after he stopped on the track on the west end of the route.

"It was a lark," Hasenkamp admitted. "We've been planning this for a couple of years now. I did a lot of practicing in parking lots by chalking off a course that was exactly as wide as the monorail track, and then riding along that path until I knew I could stay within the lines no matter what. Then there was all the planning involved in sneaking the bike to the monorail platform at Westlake, and then we had to get it through the toll gate and out onto the track. We worked hard to pull this off."

Asked if it was worth it, Hasenkamp replied, "Let's wait and see how much my bail is before we make that determination."

Hasenkamp had arranged to videotape the stunt, and then sell rights to the video tape to various "Extreme Sports" shows in the TV market. In a twist of cruel irony, one photographer forgot to bring a charged camcorder battery, and the other was mugged for his camera at 5th and Blanchard, so no videotape was taken.

See Outlaw Bikers Page D-5

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C-34

Divers Raise Ship

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Vessel Rescued from the Deep

"She was in forty fathoms and the currents were hard."

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Hoodsport man, together with several SCUBA diving friends, have raised a 99 ton fishing vessel from the briny deep.

The ship, "Cape Star", was sunk in over forty fathoms in Rosario Strait after suffering an explosion aboard which ripped a hole in her bottom. The vessel sunk in about twenty seconds, taking all hands with her. Salvage Master Casey Jones was hired by the insurance underwriter to raise her---if he could.

Jones said it was a tough job. "We were working in four knot currents, at a formidable depth. Our bottom times were severely restricted. Visibility was zero. We suffered numerous gear failures. The vessel had been substantially damaged, and that made it all the harder to raise her."

Coast Guard officials, who monitored the salvage operation, said, "It was a job well done. We'd like to send more work Jones's way."

Mr. Jones earned about $140,000 for four days work. Of course that's before expenses.

"I've been wanting to get into this level of salvage for a long time," said Jones. "I'm happy to finally get the chance to do something big, and then to have the luck to pull it off without a hitch."

Jones and his dive crew said they'll be soliciting more work of this type in the future.

See Shipwrecks of Old Page D-5

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C-35

Diver Recovers Ring

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Tenders ready diver for deep dive; barge waits patiently (background)

Deep Dive Recovers Lost Artifact for Local Woman

Woman Loses Wedding Ring---and Husband---in Sinking Nearly 75 Years Ago

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

"I can't bring my husband back," says 94 year old Ezmerelda Fitsimons. "But now at least I have his ring."

The saga began nearly 75 years ago. John and Ezmerelda Fitsimons were newlyweds on their way to the Alaska gold fields aboard the HMS Sergeant when she struck another ship in fog in the middle of the Queen Charlotte Straits, near the Canadian and Alaska border. The ship went down in minutes, taking 24 men with her. All the women were put into lifeboats.

"I cried. I cried so hard," said Ezmerelda. Her eyes grew wet as she told the story. "I tried to stay with John. I told him we should be together no matter what. We were both crying."

The sirens were screaming and fog horns from other ships in the area were rumbling through the dark, swirling fog. John carried his bride to the last lifeboat and pried her trembling hands from his clothing as he said good bye. Then the lifeboat pulled away and John stood at the tilting rail, blowing kisses to his wife.

"I don't know what made me do it," remembers Ezmerelda. "In one second I took off my brand new wedding ring and threw it to John. I didn't think it would even reach the ship, but my husband just put his hand up in the air and it fell right into it. He looked at it, then I could see the tears streaming down his face. By this time the deck of the ship was starting to go under. John's feet were underwater. The men were yelling at us to row harder so the suction of the sinking ship wouldn't pull the lifeboat under. Then I saw John kneel down and take one shoe off. I thought, 'What could he be doing'? Quick as a flash he stripped the shoelace out of it. Then he used the shoelace to tie my wedding ring to the rail of the ship. By the time he was done tying it, the water was up to his neck. We looked at each other, then he just went under. He was standing right there at the rail where he tied my ring, and he just went under the water like that. He never came up. I never saw him again.

75 years later Ezmerelda read a magazine article describing new hard-hat deep diving techniques, and she had a crazy idea.

"I just had to try," she said.

In October, renowned deep diver Casey Jones took on the challenge free of charge.

"This dive was to 483 feet," said Jones. "It's not a dive one takes lightly."

A barge stood by with the team's support equipment, and 97 minutes later Jones surfaced with his fist clenched around an object.

"The shoestring had long since rotted away," said Jones. "But a bunch of marine growth had attached itself to the string before that happened, and that formed a new string of sorts, holding the ring to the rail exactly as it had been for 75 years. It was exciting to find it."

Mrs. Fitsimons says she feels she can now rest in peace. .

See Shipwrecks of the Pacific Page D-5

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C-36

San Diego Shark Attack

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Diver swims frantically to avoid second attack---to no avail

Local Man Returns Home After San Diego Shark Attack

"I'm just glad to be back in shark-free waters!" says victim.

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Tacoma man, Casey Jones, is resting comfortably this evening after surviving a harrowing shark attack while visiting relatives in the San Diego area.

"We were down about 90 feet, looking for Abalone, when we started seeing big, dark shapes all around us. This little shark came in real fast and chomped Casey's leg. Casey knocked it in the head with his Abalone knife and it went away, but I could see a cloud of blood coming from Casey's leg, and then right away the other, bigger ones came in. One swam right past me to get to Casey's bloody leg. It was a rush, for sure."

Jones thought he'd gotten away clean when he fought off the smaller shark. "But when I saw the big one coming, I swam like you couldn't believe," recounted Jones. "I didn't even feel that leg."

The second, much larger shark circled Jones once, then went directly for the kill.

"It was amazing," said Jones. "I saw him coming, I knew he wasn't going to waste time circling again, with all the other sharks around there. I couldn't begin to out-swim him. I tried to think of something to use as a weapon, but all I had was my Abalone knife, and it was like a twig against a fish this big. I pretty much figured that was it. End of the game."

"I was trying to think of maybe some way to distract the shark," said Jones's friend. "Maybe I could conk it with my camera. But then I realized I couldn't get to Casey in time. There was nothing I could do but watch. I was so horrified that I let the camera slip out of my hand, and it sank down to the bottom."

As the shark closed in, it opened its mouth. But Jones was lucky twice in a row.

"It seemed like I could just slip right into that mouth and never come out again," said Jones. "But when it finally chomped down, it chomped right onto my SCUBA tank. I could hear its teeth grating on the aluminum, like fingernails on a blackboard. For a minute, I thought, 'You dumb (expletive). This serves you right.' I figured at least the shark was going to break a few teeth before finishing me off."

But it seems the shark didn't like anything about the taste of Casey Jones or his SCUBA gear. After that one initial bite into the tank, it swam off and didn't return. The two divers didn't waste any time getting out of the water.

"Sure, I'm glad to be alive," admitted Jones. "My leg's still pretty sore, but what the heck. Now I have a story to tell."

See First Giant Squid Captured Page D-5

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C-37

Grand Canyon Jump

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Motorcyclist flies high and long

Grand Canyon Jump Successful

"This was the greatest jump of my career!"

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Tacoma, Washington man has successfully jumped the Grand Canyon---well, a piece of it, anyhow.

Casey Jones has been planning the jump over a portion of the south rim for five years. Although the jump wasn't a record breaker for length, it was for height. Jones jumped a linear distance of only 245 feet, eight feet less than the 253 foot record. However, the drop from the centerpoint of the bike's trajectory was 1,461 feet.

Asked if it looked like a long way down from the top, Jones retorted, "I wouldn't know. I had my eyes closed."

Jones plans another stunt in Seattle within the next few months, though details are sketchy.

"I've always wanted to ride right off the roof of the Space Needle and parachute into downtown Seattle," Jones grinned. "Maybe that one's in my future."

Videotape rights to the Grand Canyon jump are being sold to the highest bidder. The starting bid was $110,000.00.

"Taxes and expenses will eat the vast majority of any amount like that," said Jones. "But it'll still leave me with a good day's wages."

See Biker BASE Jumpers Page D-5

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C-38

Skydiving Raft

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Rubber Raft Floats to Earth Like a Leaf. Sort of.

Local Skydivers Take to the Raft

"It was just a lark," said organizer Casey Jones

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A number of Tacoma skydivers got together over the long weekend to have some fun.

They "abandoned ship" as it were, from 9,000 feet near Mt. Rainier, and took to the life raft.

"The raft would only fit three of us," said Casey Jones, the man responsible for thinking up the stunt. "So we drew straws. I got to sit in the middle between Bob Hernandez and Eddie Jones. I figured I could use them as padding in case my chute didn't open," he chuckled.

The skydivers who weren't in the boat spread out and deployed their chutes at about 3,000 feet. But Jones and the others stayed with the boat all the way down to 1000 feet.

"It was floating along so nicely, none of us wanted to get out."

The raft hit the ground in a vacant field and was completely undamaged after a couple of bounces.

"We'll use it again sometime," said Hernandez, who was the one who shelled out the $89.95 to buy the raft at K-Mart. "That's a quality ship."

This was Jones's first jump.

"I wasn't scared," he said. "I was tethered to Hernandez! I figured I was perfectly safe, knowing how cheap that guy is. He'd never let anything happen to that boat. It's his most valued possession."

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C-39

Naked Man in Carwash

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Security tape shows struggle between naked man and car-wash manager

Local Man Arrested Again for Indecent Exposure

"I just needed a shower!" claims man after stripping down in public car wash

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

"It's gotten to be a crazy world," said Doug Moore. "I have no idea what prompted this guy to take his clothes off in my car wash. He kept saying he just wanted to take a shower. As far as I could tell he hadn't been drinking. It didn't seem like he was on drugs. He just wanted to take a shower in my car wash. I don't know what else to say."

Casey Jones admitted to taking his clothes off in the car wash, and also to an altercation that took place between himself and the business manager. But, he says, there were extenuating circumstances:

"I just needed a shower," Jones complained. "There wasn't anybody around. There weren't any customers. So what the hell? I was going to pay the guy. But then he had to come up and put his hands on me. Now I ask you, is that a healthy situation? A guy's all soaped up and naked in your car wash, and you think you can just walk up to him and put your hands on him? That guy's a (expletive) pervert. His hands were slippin' all over the place. You never know where a man's hands are going to end up in a situation like that. Know what I mean, Vern?"

The business manager has elected not to press trespass charges against Jones if Jones agrees not to press assault charges against him.

"We removed the man from the premises for everyone's good," said officer Paul Eaton. "He was cited for public indecency, but the car wash has refused to pursue a trespass complaint. We're quite familiar with Mr. Jones. We want to see him get some help."

Jones was cited and released after officers located his clothes under some nearby shrubbery, and he promised to keep them on, and to not trespass on the business's property again.

See City Struggles with Increase in Deviate Behavior Page

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C-40

Big Surf Anywhere You Want it

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Local man shows talent

Biggest Surf in 40 Years Hits Washington Coast

Only the bravest and most intrepid surfers try these waves

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

The biggest surf in over 40 years hit the central Washington coast over the weekend, sending many to watch, few to surf.

"This is big, big stuff," said one man who stood on the beach with board in hand---but who never went in the water.

"The sets in this part of the world come much closer together," said Casey Jones, one of the few who did surf. "A 30 foot wave here is much more challenging than a 30 footer in the lower latitudes. This is some heart-stopping stuff out here today," he grinned.

Casey says he's a "mid-level" surfer, but many who called themselves experts or pros never got their feet wet, saying they "just weren't used to conditions in this part of the world." A prudent stance, perhaps.

The Coast Guard station at Westport publicly announced that surfing was "not advised" in current conditions. "We see very few surfers this far north," said Petty Officer John Hanks. "We're not really equipped to deal with emergencies involving swimmers in the surf. The beach has no lifeguards, and by the time we got a rescue 41 (footer) out there, it would almost certainly be too late."

Those intrepids like Casey Jones said they accepted the risks.

"We're not asking to be rescued," he said. "We're out here on our own, and we'll take our chances. Thanks for the concern though!"

The mammoth conditions only lasted about six hours. When the tide changed, the seas calmed, and even the tourists went home.

See El Nino Lingers Page D-5

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C-41

Devil Beaten

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Confrontation escalates

Man Dressed as Devil Beaten

Devil Not Liked in Locally

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A man showed up on the streets of downtown Seattle yesterday, dressed in a devil's costume, holding a sign that read: "Get to Know Me! I'm Not so Bad!"

Reports vary and witnesses were scarce, but apparently the 'devil-man' met with vocal---then physical resistance almost immediately.

"We saw him get out of a car on 4th," said one witness who asked not to be identified. "We figured he was going to a costume party, and we didn't think too much of it at first. But then he held up this sign and started running around trying to hug people. People got really, really angry. The guy didn't have a chance."

The devil-man was identified as Casey Jones only after he checked himself into Harborview Hospital in Seattle with various cuts and abrasions, none of which were serious.

"His devil costume was kind of messed up," said Amy Christiansen, a nurse in the ER. "But considering, he was in pretty good shape. We had to take his sign away from him. It was, uh, bothering some of the other patients. He seemed like a really nice guy otherwise," she added.

Jones said he was just trying to make a point. It was unclear exactly what that point was. Seattle police asked the hospital to hold Mr. Jones for a psychiatric evaluation, but hospital staff said the man didn't display behavior that was aberrant enough to suggest that he was a threat to himself or to others---after all, it was the public at large that beat him up. Jones was treated and released.

A spokesman for the Seattle police said there was no evidence of Jones having committed any crime. "But," the spokesman said, "he's just asking for trouble if he goes back on the streets again like that."

Jones was last seen in an office supply store near the hospital, buying supplies with which to build a new sign.

See Religious Freedom, an American Right Page D-5

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C-42

No Life on Mars Rocks

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Photos show ALH84001, a Mars rock once thought to contain alien life

"Organisms" on Mars Rock are Life---But Not from Mars

NASA Scientists say they've solved riddle of Mars rock.

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

Scientists studying the Mars sample ALH84001 have reached a conclusion regarding whether or not it contains the fossils of alien life forms, announced Diane Freeman, spokeswoman for the NASA panel.

"We have definitely concluded the rock harbors the remains---I said remains, not fossils--- of life forms," Ms. Freeman said to a somewhat confused crowd of reporters Saturday afternoon. "The organisms are organic. They are the leftovers of carbon-based life forms. But they originated right here on Earth."

A stunned crowd murmured their disappointment.

"As you know," Ms. Freeman went on, "There has been considerable controversy regarding this sample. In order to get to the bottom of it once and for all, we began a trace of the sample, a very painstaking trace of its movements from the time it was discovered, until it was placed into safe keeping in our laboratory. We've concluded that there was only one brief period when the sample was not under complete and unbroken quarantine by the scientists who brought it back to the United States. I'll introduce Mr. James Reavner to explain what we've discovered."

"Sample ALH84001 was technically 'exposed' for approximately 60 to 90 seconds, in the men's room of SeaTac Airport near Seattle," Mr. Reavner explained. "Mr. Farquarson, the man who was actually carrying the rock in his briefcase, had entered the men's room at this location during a brief layover of his flight to Los Angeles. At some point during his time in the men's room, he was approached by another gentleman, a Mr. Alex Gardner---actually he was spoken to by Mr. Gardner from an adjacent stall. Mr. Gardner's request was simple: 'Do you have any toilet paper?' Mr. Farquarson replied that his roll was empty as well, but that he thought he had a travel kit in his briefcase, and he would be happy to share with Mr. Gardner. Mr. Farquarson did, in fact, find some travel wipes, and he passed several to Mr. Gardner under the stall divider. While fumbling to pass the wipes, their hands touched briefly. We have discovered that what we thought was an alien life form from Mars, is actually the result of that contamination from Mr. Gardner to Mr. Farquarson in the men's room at SeaTac Airport. It is not an alien life form at all, but a rather virulent and aggressive form, a certainly rare form of jock itch, introduced by Mr. Gardner when he brushed hands with Mr. Reavner, and Mr. Reavner then later touched the Mars sample.

We deeply regret our handling of the sample, and we deeply regret the false alarm that has spread to every corner of the planet."

Mr. Reavner then invited questions from the reporters.

See Jobs at NASA Page D-5

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C-43

Diver Recovers Prop

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Diver shown working on removing giant propeller

Sport Diver Recovers Propeller from Steamship Sunk in 1918

Lucky Find is Diver's Dream

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Tacoma man has located the sunken wreck of the Lithuathian-registered steamer "Edmond Horacio" which sank in a storm in Hood's Canal in 1918. All hands were lost.

The vessel was undergoing sea trials after extensive repairs to her boilers and propeller in Seattle. A freak NE wind struck in late December, and she was forced to run her boilers at maximum pressure in order to keep herself off the lee beach at Hoodsport. One boiler blew up, and the 293 foot ship went down in about three minutes.

The exact location of the ship was sketchy, since there were few people living around Hoodsport at that time, and only one or two residents claimed to have witnessed the event. In those days, underwater salvage wasn't common, so no one really cared where the ship was.

Casey Jones finally located the wreck in 185 feet of water this summer, and has been planning to recover the huge propeller ever since.

"We didn't know if the prop was bronze or iron," Jones said. "If it was iron, it was almost worthless. If it was bronze, well, then it was worth getting."

Jones said he went back and tested the prop a few months ago, and was disappointed to find that it was black iron. But his disappointment was short-lived. A California collector of old ship memorabilia heard of the find, and offered Casey $90,000 for the prop, give or take, depending on condition.

"It turned out the prop was virtually new," said Casey. "It had been refitted only days before in Seattle. And the black iron held up beautifully at that dark, cold, low-oxygen depth. My buyer has a gorgeous prop, and I have enough money to go find some more of them---plus the memories and experiences of having recovered this one. It couldn't have worked out better."

Casey worked on removing the propeller for about two weeks. The propeller shaft was tougher than he had counted on. Additionally, the prop was housed inside of a device that today is called a "Kort nozzle". "Such a thing was unheard of in 1918," said Casey. "Some marine engineer was way ahead of his time."

Casey said he may return to the site from time to time to scavenge more goodies. He claims the ship's location is a secret, known only to him.

See Treasure Hunters, Legalities and Liabilities Page

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C-44

Largest Penis in the World

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Guinness Defends Choice in Records.

Man Sues Over World Record

Kent Man Claims Damages Against Guinness

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A local man has filed suit against Guinness Corporation, the company that markets the "Guinness Book of World Records".

The Washingtonian, Casey Jones, claims in court documents that Guinness Corporation has refused to honor his claim to the largest "appendage" (penis) in the world. The suit asks for unspecified damages, alleging that the claimant (Jones) has suffered monetary damages in that his fame for holding the world record has not been properly and duly advertised due to Guinness's decision not to record or publish the record. Mr. Jones claims that if Guinness were to publish the record, he would be recognized officially as the record-holder, and could thereby enjoy the profits that such fame would inevitably bring him.

Guinness calls the reasoning ludicrous.

Mr. Jones's attorney states that the claim has been documented by numerous agencies, and that the size of his client's penis is not in question.

That being the case, the attorney argues, Guinness has a moral, legal and honor-bound duty to report the record, as it has reported thousands of other records over the years, many of which were, the attorney suggests, "much more obscure than the size of the largest penis in the world. That's something that everyone wants to know about."

Casey Jones says he'll gladly drop the suit if Guinness will simply give him the credit he deserves----in print.

Hustler Magazine claims to have documented the record, as has the Multi-National-104, a self professed union and activist group for the pornography industry in the United States and France.

Both agencies agree on two measurements: one for a length of 17.3 inches fully erect, and a circumference of 9.2 inches in the same state.

Representatives from Guinness Corporation refused to examine the appendage, but suggested that "if those measurements are correct, then the thing can't possibly be genuine, and therefore would not qualify for a record in our book anyway."

See 'Does Size Really Matter?' Page

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C-45

President Clinton Felt Me Up

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Hoodsport man tells all on Oprah: Clinton Felt Me Up!

4th Sexual Harassment Lawsuit Filed Against Clinton

"I Don't Have the Money to Continue Fighting these False Allegations," says the Prez.

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A Hoodsport man has joined the ranks of people claming to have been groped by President Clinton.

Mr. Ron Ault has filed suit in Federal Court alleging that during Clinton's most recent visit to Seattle, in August of 2000, he was visiting his attorney in the Columbia Tower in downtown Seattle when the "assault" took place.

"I was just leaving my attorney's office," the claimant said, "when I saw a group of men coming down the hall. I knew the (Clinton) was in the building, but I never expected to run into him."

Mr. Ault further states that the President stopped and said hello. Ault said hello back, because, "I didn't know what else to do! I was so shocked at even seeing the president, let alone to have him actually stop and talk to me."

The suit alleges that President Clinton then dismissed the Secret Service, asking them to wait down the hall. Court documents further allege that Mr. Clinton asked to speak to the victim in an unused office of the law firm.

"I didn't know what to do except to go with him," Ault said. "After all, he's the president. I mean, all that power. How do you refuse a man with that much power?"

Mr. Clinton then proceeded to "grope me up one side and down the other," states the complaint. "I just stood there and let him do it. I mean, what else could I do? I let him do whatever he wanted. I was afraid to resist. He kept calling me 'Monica, Monica, oh Monica'. I didn't really like that part."

The suit has asked for seventy five million dollars as "a token restoration of Mr. Ault's heterosexual reputation."

"I think that's more than fair," said Ault's attorney.

Mr. Clinton's public relations liaison office issued a simple statement: "By the time they (the secret service) heard Mr. Clinton yelling for help, the claimant had already molested the President." The Clinton team says it will counter-sue for $500 million.

See Clinton's Harem Page D-5

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C-46

Mother of the Year

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description" and/or "article title". Use them, or not, as you wish.

Trophy Awarded to Local Woman

Local Mother Wins 'Mother of the Year'

Judges Voted Unanimously---First Time in 94 Year Contest History

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A three-man, two-woman panel voted unanimously today to award Washington State's 94th "Mother of the Year" to Mrs. Casey Jones. She was chosen from a roster of over four hundred ladies, with twenty three making it as far as the finals. This is the first time in the contest's history that the vote was unanimous.

"Mrs. Jones is the obvious choice in every sense of the word," commented 57 year old judge Thomas Brighton. "As the contest progressed, we were all left fairly speechless. Casey's charm was captivating, her intelligence was like a sunbeam, her beauty was utterly unsurpassed. No other contestant came close in my estimation."

Mrs. Jones has refused several magazine offers, saying she feels the award is a solemn honor, which she doesn't want to commercialize.

Casey's daughter, Julia Childs, says she's "thrilled beyond words" for her mother. "We've had good times and stressful times---mostly good times," said Childs. "But Mom's most striking beauty was always manifest in one special way: She stuck by me no matter what, no matter why, no matter when, no matter how. That is the truest expression of a character that's as pure as gold."

Darlene Johnson, one of the two female judges on the panel, said simply, "Casey is a Princess. Her mind is straight and her heart is true. We love her."

See Clinton's Harem Page D-5

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C-47

Smuggled Cuban Cigars #1

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Vessel scuttled and abandoned (left). CG searches Keys (right)

Hoard of Rare Cigars Smuggled from Cuba

"This case gets curiouser and curiouser," say US Customs Officials. "It's mystery heaped on intrigue."

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

US Coast Guard Officials ended their search today for the occupants and crew of an old wooden luxury yacht which eluded law enforcement agencies and was finally found scuttled and abandoned in a remote area of the (Florida) Keys.

US Customs has taken over the case.

"They're professionals," admitted George Applegate, spokesman for the Miami office. "And they're good."

The whole thing began when US officials received word from certain unofficial entities within the Cuban government that a "significant" theft had been effected by unknown Americans, against a secure warehouse in Havana owned by the Castro regime. Reportedly, the thieves got away with "about twenty two tons" of "pre-Cohiba Lanceros" (cigars). It is unknown why the Castro government was holding such a large cache of such a rare product.

"It may be just a case of hoarding," said Emile Francisca, Customs Offical. "It's odd though, because Castro was reported to have stockpiled the 'Trinidad' cigar, which was reportedly one of his favorites. But why he'd be hoarding such a large quantity of these (Lanceros) is beyond us at this time."

Indeed, the plot thickens as US officials are informed by official channels in Cuba that no such cigars ever existed in any government-owned warehouse, and, further, that no such cigars were stolen.

But US Coast Guard officials disagree: "We know the yacht docked in Cuba. We know Cuban authorities 'interacted' with a number of Americans. We know the yacht departed in a hurry, possibly under fire from Cuban authorities. We tried to intercept the vessel; it eluded us. These are all facts. Once we found the yacht scuttled in the Keys, it was searched, and several hundred pounds of the pre-Cohiba Lanceros were found in the hold. The evidence suggests that the yacht carried many times that amount-perhaps as much as twenty two tons. The street value of that many is almost incalculable."

Customs has few clues in the case. They are seeking two "persons of interest", Mr. and Mrs. Robert and Carol Jones, who are believed to have been involved in the incident. "These folks aren't 'suspects' per se," commented Customs Officials in Ft. Lauderdale. "We're not sure exactly what their involvement was. But we are seeking them, and we do need to speak with them without delay."

See Cigars at Sotheby's Page

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C-48

Biker on Monorail Track

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Biker Races Monorail as it Departs Westlake

Seattle Man Arrested After Monorail Stunt

Suspect says, "I didn't see a single "Keep Out" sign!"

Yourtown---- (NOTICE: Any names of towns, locations, people, institutions, etc., are purely fictional, chosen at random, and are not meant to portray or represent any real person, place or deed. Remember that no matter what name a writer chooses to use in any fictional story, there is a real person (or many persons) SOMEWHERE who have that exact name.

A local man was arrested Saturday after completing a bizarre stunt in which he rode a motorcycle from Westlake Mall to the Seattle Center---about a mile and a half---along the track of the Monorail, over 40 feet above street level.

Scot Hasenkamp was taken into custody without incident after he stopped on the track on the west end of the route.

"It was a lark," Hasenkamp admitted. "We've been planning this for a couple of years now. I did a lot of practicing in parking lots by chalking off a course that was exactly as wide as the monorail track, and then riding along that path until I knew I could stay within the lines no matter what. Then there was all the planning involved in sneaking the bike to the monorail platform at Westlake, and then we had to get it through the toll gate and out onto the track. We worked hard to pull this off."