CAUTION:
This item has the potential to be used irresponsibly.
By completing and submitting the form below, you agree not to use this product
for purposes which may be illegal, immoral, fraudulent or hurtful
to others. Like almost any item in existence, this product may be
used for fun or for evil, depending solely on the intentions of the
user. It is designed as a novelty/gag device. Be sure your "mark" has a sense of humor before unleashing this product upon them!
Ideas....
Gay
/ Lesbian Tendencies (tests for closet gay-ness)
Heterosexual
Tendencies (tests for closet straight-ness)
Cranky
(tests for "genetic crankiness") (terminal / incurable)
Bitch
(prove conclusively that your mate's a BITCH!)
Asshole
(prove conclusively that your soon-to-be ex is a RAGING ASSHOLE!)
Malaria
(proof for your boss that you're having a malaria flare-up and need
the day off)
A.D.D.
(tests for "Attention Deficit Disorder, which you already know
your S.O. has)
Computer
Illiterate (tests for computer illiteracy---hey, it's in the genes)
Stupid
(tests for genetic stupidity---get 'em to take the test, then show 'em
what it's for)
Blond
(specifically tests for the blond gene (is it real or is it bleached?)
Happy
in Relationship (tests to determine if a person is generally happy or
unhappy)
Sexual
Fantasies About Animals (animal molesters carry a certain gene---this
test shows whether or not you have it)
Deviate
(sexual deviates all have a particular malfunctioning gene---see if
your boyfriend has it)
Pervert
(see above)
Intelligence
(this test will react positively if the subject's intelligence is genetically
superior to the average)
Hottie
(think you're a Hottie? Real beauty is more than skin deep. If you're
TRULY a Hottie, this test will prove it. Find out for sure)
Stud
(tests to see if you have abnormally high levels of testosterone (which
makes you more of a man than your friends)
Rickets
(test to see if you need the day off because you have Rickets. What's
rickets? We have no idea)
Flesh-Eating
Disease (prove you have the Flesh Eating Disease and you're sure to
get the day off---probably with pay)
Had
Sex with a Horse (people who've had sex with a horse invariable undergo
a physiological change which can be determined by this test)
Alien
DNA (tests for the presence of Alien DNA--are you a space baby?)
Anally
Probed by Aliens (when aliens probe you anally, they leave behind certain
DNA markers which are revealed by taking this test)
Anally
Probed by Anyone, Ever (this test shows if anyone has ever probed you
anally---not just aliens)
Mad
Cow Disease (use this with extreme caution---there's a disclaimer sticker
on the bottom of the test)
Sex
Change Operation (tests to see if your sexual orientation has been changed
surgically)
Anal
Sex (if you've ever had anal sex, this test will reveal it)
Impregnated
by Aliens (if you've ever been impregnated by aliens, this test will
give you the proof you need to file complaints and file suits)
Nuts
(tests to see if you're a nut-case)
Virginity
(tests to see if you're truly a virgin--remember, every test always
shows positive)
Virginity
(tests to see if you're NOT a virgin--remember, every test always shows
positive)
Syphilis
(tests for Syphilis---watch your partner run screaming to the VD clinic,
and watch the docs roll on the floor when they see your victim's frozen
specimen)
Gonorrhea
(see above)
Crabs
(sometimes you can't see 'em, and you have to run a test)
Worms
(got worms? This test will show it)
Black
Blood (tests for African American DNA---give this to your Good Ol' Boy
bigot friend from Mississippi)
Homicidal
Maniac Tendencies (tests to see if you're a natural-born killer)
White
Blood (tests for Caucasian DNA---give to your racist black friend to
show him he's really white deep down)
Indian
Blood (prove you're a Native American---get grants, free medical coverage,
land, monthly payments from the BIA, etc.)
Iraqi
Blood (a la "Ich bin ein Iraqi")
Guilty
(guilt brings about profound hormonal changes in the body---this test
shows that you're guilty, guilty, GUILTY!)
Wants
a Divorce (a person who wants a divorce can be tested for the XA-3572b
hormone---this test will show it conclusively)
Pregnant
(everyone (even our friend Bob) wants to know if they're pregnant)
Hoof-in-Mouth
Disease (we tested a friend once and told her she had a faulty gizzard.
Unfortunately, her doctor told her we were bullshitting. Hoof'n'Mouth
is every bit as good an affliction as a faulty gizzard)
Malfunctioning
Gizzard (see above)
Genetically
predisposed to: (genetically predisposed to whatever you can think of:
bad driving, dishonesty, nymphomania, cheating, infidelity, wife beating)
Exposure
to Radiation (shows your victim has radiation poisoning. Where'd they
get it? Probably from those aliens)
Distemper
(got distemper? Of course you do)
Positive
for Drugs (you KNOW your husband's been into the cocaine again, but
you can't prove it---test him and make him spill his guts)
Immediate
Result for Lying (the world's full of lying liars. For about 60 seconds
after you lie, your body chemistry will betray you. Ask your question,
then quick---make 'em pee. You'll get the truth--at least your version
of it)
Female
Hormones (males start out as females after conception. Sometimes, those
female hormones still rage, even decades later. Test your overly macho
boyfriend to knock him down a peg or two--a positive test result shows
he's basically a girl who's been trying real hard to be a man)
Male
Hormones (test your tom-boy girlfriend)
Diabetes
(test for diabetes. Why? We're not sure)
Allergic
to Cats, Dogs, Ferrets (do you absolutely hate your girlfriend's cat?
Well, who wouldn't. Show her the test results, then tell her the cat
has to go (better than killing the mangy little shit))
High
Blood Pressure (want someone to have high blood pressure? Now you can
give them the gift that keeps on giving (watch 'em hit the Atkins diet,
then the gym)
Huge
Breasts (men who swear they don't care about the size of your breasts
are probably lying. Test 'em and prove your point)
Small
Breasts (some men really do prefer small breasts. If you have big breasts,
and your mate says he loves 'em, but you suspect he's lying, test him!)
Sex
with Pygmies (there is a certain gene in males AND females which makes
them prefer sex with pygmies. They may hide this secret lust all their
lives, but in the end they can't help it---it's genetic. Test to be
sure)
I.Q.
Less than 80 (people with very low IQ quotients can sometimes fool the
standard IQ test. If they're genetically STOOPID, this
test will show it)
Fake
Medical Tests, Fake Pregnancy Tests, Fake IQ Tests, Fake Drug Tests,
Fake Lesbian Tests, Test for Lesbianism, Test for Homosexuality, Test
for Cowardice, Test for Truthfulness, Test for Honesty, Test for Infidelity,
Test for Fidelity, Test for Stupidity, Test to See if Your Mate is a
CRANKY BITCH or an ASSHOLE! Buy a test and call it a "Chemical
Polygraph Test". Tell your gullible mate the test will show if
they've lied in any significant way in the previous 60 seconds---then
make 'em take the test real quick. Trust us--it'll say they lied!