December 19, 2006
NEW YORK (FN) - Miss USA Tara Conner, who had come under criticism amid rumors she had been frequenting bars and sleeping around, will be allowed to keep her title, Donald Trump announced Tuesday. "I've always been a believer in second chances, except for men," admitted Trump, who owns the Miss Universe Organization with NBC, with Conner at his side. "And if you've got a bod like this hot little tart here," he quipped, "we're probably talking -- what? Ten, forty more chances?"
Trump said he and Conner had "met" earlier Tuesday morning. "She left a small town in Kentucky and she was telling me that she got caught up in the whirlwind of New York," Trump said at a news conference. "It's a story that has happened many times before to many women and many men who came to the Big Apple. They wanted their slice of the Big Apple and they found out it wasn't so easy. Honestly, I don't think that Miss Tara should be limited to only a handful of sexual partners per day. Let's give love a chance. For the love of God, forgive and forget!" lamented Trump.
Conner "won" the title in April and has been living in New York. Recent media accounts of heavy drinking and bizarre sexual escapades brought a storm of criticism. In a tear-choked voice, Conner said, "In no way did I think it would be possible for a fifty-seventh chance to be given to me. I'll do anything Big Donald wants to keep this title," Tara winked between affected sobs. Turning to Trump, she said, "You'll never know what this means to me, and I swear I will not let you down." In a huskier voice, as the hint of a smile played across her full, red lips, Conner murmured, "And you know exactly what I mean."
Turning back to the audience, Conner gasped loudly in a deep southern drawl, "With God as mah witness, Ah shall nevah be hornay agin!"
Trump said Conner would be entering three days of "intensive rehab", requiring "several hours" of educational film-watching, a good deal of therapeutic ping-pong, and some prayers to Allah, after which her illegal drug consumption will be "strictly monitored to stay within the guidelines set forth by the pageant commission". A pageant official said details would be worked out privately with Conner over the next weeks.
"I think Tara is going to be the great comeback kid," Trump said. "And if she doesn't cut it, well, she'll still be a hell of a lot of fun in the weeks and months to come."
A spokesperson for the pageant stated that Miss Tara would be strictly limited to sex with warm-blooded mammals for the duration of her reign, and that she would be excused from public appearances when she was too stoned or drunk to stand or speak coherently. Conner appeared to ponder these restrictions briefly, then with her chin held high, plastic tears sliding down her angelic face, she proudly announced, "Ah think ah kin do thet!" to which applause roared.
While the American public continued to call for Tara's head on a popsicle stick, the Donald defended his pet project just as vehemently, asking, "Can't we all just [sniff] get along?" Obviously irritated, Trump offered a final quip: "Hey! Tara Conner is the best woman America can produce. Get used to it!"