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Selection is Alive and Well (Charles Darwin Award)
Charles Darwin Award
Item Number --- FC-48
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Who the heck
is Charles Darwin and why do you want to receive an award from him?
First: You don't want to receive an award from him! Of course
he's long-dead and rotted, so it wouldn't come directly from him anyhow
(one hopes)---it would come from a fair-weather friend, a cranky neighbor,
back-biting in-law, evil secret admirer, a stalker, an enemy, your nemesis,
your wife, your boss, your kids, your parents, your legal guardian,
your psychiatrist, your tax attorney, your divorce lawyer, your banker,
was the guy who came up with the Theory of Evolution. The theory goes
that animals (us) evolve from lower beings to (so-called) higher beings
-- always have, and always will. The theory is diametrically opposed
to the notion that we're all the misbegotten spawn of a couple of horny
teenagers, Adam and Eve. Lots of folks believe the human race was just
sort of plunked down upon the Earth by Adam and Eve, and that we're
pretty-much the same now as when we hatched a Gazillion years ago. Lots
of folks think the world is flat, too.
In the end,
it doesn't matter if you believe in the Theory of Evolution or not.
This is all a joke. By virtue of its very name (t-h-e-o-r-y),
it's not necessarily fact. Heck---we don't believe in
either Adam & Eve OR the Theory of Evolution. We know
that we hatched from alien eggs at Area 51 two years ago
So what would
you do with one of these certificates if you had one? Consider this:
Most of the crew at TrixiePixGraphics rides motorcycles (or flies airplanes
of questionable structural integrity). We do so because we like them.
We like them because they're fun. They're fun because they go fast and
they offer almost unprecedented freedom. The trouble is, they (speaking
of motorcycles) are so incredibly dangerous in today's traffic that
a person would have to be downright stoopid to ride one.
No sane or intelligent individual rides a motorcycle on today's highways.
That means that, pretty-much, we are too stupid to live.
If we were living in caveman days, we'd be the people out there taunting
the Leopards, poking them with sticks to see what they'd do, teasing
the King Cobras, riding the Rhinoceri -- in short, we'd be what we like
to refer to as "Lion Fodder". We'd be the first ones eaten,
and that means we'd have no offspring to pass along those faulty, trouble-making
genes. We would be prime, classic examples of "Natural Selection",
and we'd sure as Hell deserve a Charles Darwin Award.
eligible to receive this handsome certificate?
You gotta ask yourself:
"Who most elegantly demonstrates the theory of Natural Selection?"
who drive too fast
People slowly frying their brains on drugs
Your friends who ride motorcycles
Your friend, the pilot
Your friend who breaks his/her leg sliding down an icy slope on a stick
Your Husband who aggravates you when you've got PMS
All bicycle couriers
Osama Bin Laden
You get the idea...
are personalized with:
Monkey's RECIPIENT'S Name
(the name and date font is made up of little
Gold seal is pressure-embossed (not printed).
8.5 x 11 inches.
Printed on heavy glossy stock
friend or relative who's done something really freaking stupid?
Then you know what you have to do:
Honor 'em with a DARWIN AWARD!