Pre-Written "News" Stories You Can Modify to Suit (change names, locations, etc.)

C-1    BASE Jumper Apprehended
A variation---be a bold, outlaw BASE jumper

C-2    Bear Finds Way to Fife
Another bear bothers even more people somewhere

C-3    Headache Sufferer Diagnosed
At last, PROOF that your spouse has a screw loose

C-4    First Documented Abduction
Get abducted (and maybe anally probed) by a spaceship. Or something

C-5    Genetics Research Advances
You sold your sperm 20 years ago---now it comes back to haunt you

C-6  Biggest Jackpot in National Powerball Lotto!
Win the Lotto; Send a copy to your uppity in laws in Bethesda and watch
'em eat their hearts out (remember how they dissed you last Thanksgiving?)

C-7     New Toilet Facilities Installed at Local Warehouse
Work for a cheap company? Expose them. Literally.

C-8    Tragedy Averted for Pup
Save a puppy stuck in a tree (and you thought only cats got stuck)

C-9    Bizarre Stunt Goes Off Without Hitch
Be a skydiving daredevil

C-10   Local Man Gets Slacker Award
Recognition for the slacker in every company and in every neighborhood

C-11   Unidentified Object Over City
Everyone needs to keep a copy of this lying around. 
There's never a UFO when you need one

C-12   Local Woman Sought in Grisly Homicide
Tired of hubby's shenanigans? Kill him, then cast his parts far and wide

C-13   Outlaw Bikers Hit Seattle
Be a bad-ass biker and terrorize a city

C-14   Another Emergency Landing at SeaTac
Save an entire airliner (corporate execs buy this most often)

C-15   Seattle Man Announces New Concept in Mass Transportation
Set your pot-brained biker buddy up with this one

C-16   Seattle Hairdresser Wins "Miss Western Washington"
For the girl who's beautiful---and aren't they all?

C-17   Private Plane Crashes Near Industrial Area
Embarrassing tale of two lovers who crash their plane and walk away

C-18   Always Short on Time?
A wife's revenge for "Internet Man"

C-19   Meteor Demolishes Local Home
Get time off work when you prove to your boss how rotten life has treated you

C-21   Bungee Jumpers Take Stunt One Step Further
Bungee jump your motorcycle off a huge bridge

C-22   Local Man Causes Stir
Pass these out to your husband's fishing buddies (then take his guns away)

C-23   Hijacker "D.B. Cooper" Caught!
DB Cooper. What a guy. Can you imagine the hero status he'd enjoy from 
his cell if he were to surface now?

C-24   Washington's Grand Wizard for Seven Years Goes Public
eBay auctions banned this because it makes fun of the KKK

C-25   Santa Claus and Four Reindeer Slain!
For those with a little Grinch blood who never liked that trespassing sucker

C-26   Local Woman Cured of Congenital Malformations
Expose your mean sister's sorted past; once a freak, always a freak

C-27   Backhoe Being Hauled on Truck Hits Bridge
The owner of TrixiePixGraphics had almost the identical thing happen once---
with virtually the same aftermath. Any trucker knows this drill. It's great for 
those long layovers at the truck-stop, though. You'd be AMAZED at how many 
truckers will buy you a drink after reading this tale of woe

C-29   Tacoma Street Prostitution "Out of Control" Says Mayor
For your cousin who "just has a lot of male friends"

C-30   Ferry Sinks!
Save a bunch of people from a sinking ferry

C-31   Would-Be Mugger Gets Surprise
We love this one. Beat the living crap out of some scum-sucking robber 
type and leave him quivering in the john. YOU. GO. GIRL.

C-32   Most Valuable Employee Award
"It was an easy choice this year," said Gloria Johnson.

C-33   Seattle Man Arrested After Monorail Stunt
Ride your sport bike down the monorail track and do a stoppee at the end

C-34   Vessel Rescued from the Deep
Be a rich and famous deep sea salvor

C-35   Deep Dive Recovers Lost Artifact for Local Woman
Be a kind-hearted deep sea salvor

C-36   Local Man Returns Home After San Diego Shark Attack
Impress your landlubber friends

C-37   Grand Canyon Jump Successful
Jump the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle and set a record

C-38   Local Skydivers Take to the Raft
Be a wild and daring stunt man (or woman)

C-39   Local Man Arrested Again for Indecent Exposure
For the guy in your life who just can't keep his pants on
Get attacked by a shark---and live

C-40   Biggest Surf in 40 Years Hits Washington Coast
Ride the really big ones

C-41   Man Dressed as Devil Beaten
We don't know what in THE HELL this guy's supposed to be doing downtown 
in a devil suit. We just snapped the shot and tried to put a story to it. Seems 
like there must be a story in there somewhere. We never really found it. 
Maybe it's good for seed though

C-42   "Organisms" on Mars Rock are Life---But Not from Mars
Never, EVER touch yourself before handling rocks from Mars

C-43   Sport Diver Recovers Propeller from Steamship Sunk in 1918
Be a rich and famous deep sea salvor

C-44   Largest Penis (ahem) in the World (2000, 2001, 2002 Most Viewed)
This was originally written for President Clinton,  but it was first titled
"Biggest PR_CK in the World"

C-45   4th Sexual Harassment Lawsuit Filed Against Clinton
Clinton. The pervert. We're pretty sure he was chasing his old hound dog when 
it ran in front of that car. We'll never cut the man a quarter inch of slack

C-46   Local Mom Wins "Mother of the Year"
For Mother's Day. Moms really DO deserve something nice

C-47   Hoard of Rare Cigars Smuggled from Cuba
Be a commie killer and impress your friends

C-48   Seattle Man Arrested After Monorail Stunt (2nd version)
Ride a motorcycle along the monorail track

C-49   Local Daredevil Pits Skills Against Bridge
Ride a motorcycle up the cable stays of a huge bridge

C-50   Fort Lauderdale Couple Given "Gift of Friendship" from Fidel
Be a commie spy and impress your friends

C-51   Bear Finds Way to Downtown Seattle
Bears in downtown Seattle, bears in downtown 
New York, just say where. We deliver

C-52   Eiffel Tower Clone Finally Completed in Seattle
People have spent literally DAYS looking for the Eiffel Tower in Seattle. 
We feel badly about this one. No we don't     

C-53   Recent Astronomical Alignments Alter Moon's Orbit
Convince most everyone that time has been altered

C-54   Second Face Discovered on Mars Surface?
After we wrote this they DID discover a second face up there. 
Guess we'll have to make it a 3rd

C-55   BASE Jumper Apprehended (2nd version)

C-56   Crocodile Found in Seattle Sewer
Every sewer in every major city has man-eating crocs in it. Now you can prove it
Be a fearless daredevil

C-57   It's a Boy!
The record-breaking Pompano can be any fish you like

C-58   Seattle Man Puts it All on the Line for Love
A nice, albeit somewhat convoluted little Valentine's Day tale. Don't like it? Re-write it!

C-59   Man Sues to Include Bizarre Event in Olympics
For the man of many talents who wants to scare off impress the ladies

C-60   Local Man Suffers More Embarrassment than Injury
Guy gets a beer bottle or something stuck up his butt. This was the 
result of many requests. Does this crap really happen?

C-61   Bear Finds Way to Downtown
Bears and critters roam your neighborhood (variation)

C-62   Giraffe Finds Way to West Side
Giraffes and critters roam your neighborhood

C-63   Break in Flasher Case
For the gal who just CAN'T keep her pants on

C-64   Blimp "Lands" on Monorail
Was originally a promo for a local biz. We'll put your business name in there too

C-65   Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!
Bears and critters roam your neighborhood

C-66   Not AGAIN!
Our hero is that guy who flew around in the lawn chair years ago. 
Judging from sales, he's other folks's hero too

C-67   New Traffic Lights Arrive Ahead of Schedule
A demonstration of how bizarre city life will probably become

C-68   Man Dies in Blazing Head-On (fake your own death)
Fake your own death. It's WAY more fun than it seems

C-69   Pacific Bridge Progress Ahead of Schedule
Far too many people believe this without question. 
There IS NO BRIDGE TO HAWAII! Get it?

C-70   Bizarre Sea Creature Caught
Catch a record-breaking fish

C-71   Quake Flattens Seattle
Scare your friends who live, lived, or aspire to live in Seattle

C-72   Quake Flattens Seattle #2
Scare your friends who live, lived, or aspire to live in Seattle (variation)

C-73   Monorail Crash
Scare anyone who's ever ridden on the Seattle Monorail

C-74   Meteor Destroys Your Neighborhood
Scare your neighbors with a doomsday gag

C-75   FORTEAN Blobs
Gooey white globs of human cells which fall like rain. It's actually true!

C-76   Organ Harvesters
Rewrite this to feature a certain neighborhood, then send it to your mother-in-law

C-77   Stock Market Crash
Rewrite the figures as you like, this will scare the daylights out of your investor friends

C-78   WWII Heidenvolkker Restored
Restore the famed Heidenvolkker. Why? 
Because your car-buff friends will be envious

C-79   Was it Demi or was it Memorex?
For those few who can STOMACH Demi Moore (gag, cough, hurl)
Impress your friends. Maybe.

C-80   Naked Men Arrested
Groups of naked men just standing around in yards all over the burbs. The horror
Ride the really big ones

C-81   Mysterious Object Removed in Operation
Prove to your mother-in-law that you have the POWER to send her to Zeta Reticuli

C-82   "Desktop Black Hole" Out of Control
Scare everyone you know with this science-out-of-control documentation

C-83   For the Guys: Britney and YOU
Britney Spears. Well, she has POTENTIAL, anyhow---not like that Demi bitch

C-88   "Occupy" the Country of Your Choice!
Originally written for a Finnish client, we almost started a war

C-89   Local Man Wins Kentucky Derby
Win the Kentucky Derby. Be rich. Make your friends feel like non-winners

C-91   Brown Noser's Special
Make sure the brown-noser gets a snoot-full. Those bastards...

C-92   Mystery Man Helps in Police Search
Be arrogant and aloof. Command respect and awe. (It actually works)

C-93   Crop Circles in a Field Near YOU
Drive your friends crazy by sending them on a wild alien chase

C-94   Smallest Male Organ in the World
Originally written for President Clinton, now this treasure can be yours

C-95   Alternative Dance Studio
For that "gentle soul" in your life

C-97   Goat Molester
This was originally written for President Clinton, but now it can be yours

C-98   Horse Crazy
This was originally written for President Clinton, but now it can be yours

C-99   Head Up Ass
This was originally written for President Clinton, but now it can be yours

C-100  Old (old) Hookers
This was originally written for President Clinton, but now it can be yours

C-101  Broken Boner
This was originally written for President Clinton, but now it can be yours

C-102  Over-exposed AGAIN!
This was originally written for President Clinton, but now it can be yours

C-103   Viagra Fatality
This was originally written for President Clinton, but now it can be yours

C-104   Male Prostitution Ring Finally Broken
This was originally written for President Clinton, but now it can be yours

C-105   You Got a Beer Bottle Stuck WHERE?
This was originally written for President Clinton, but now it can be yours

C-106  The Most Perfect Little Gift in the World (birthdays, occasions)
You could even have Elvis call the birthday girl (he calls us a lot)

C-107   Mystery Rods
Mystery rods are very mysterious. Not really---but you can scare some kids with it

C-108   Birthday Cake Fire
We were caught in a birthday cake fire once. We were left with 90 degree burns

C-109   Space Cows on Mars
We know there's life on Mars. We just got tired
of waiting for someone to discover it

C-110   Killer Deer Kicks Ass
Wild deer turns carnivorous, kicks hunter's ass then runs away

C-111   Killer Deer Gets Eaten
Wild deer turns carnivorous, but ends up on the barbie (where he belongs)

C-112   Freeway Sign Says Anything You Want
Change the traffic advisory signs to send YOUR special message

C-113   Breaking Up? Get VACCINATED so it never happens again
Medical science finally announces a new treatment: This drug makes you immune
to the opposite sex. Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is.....

C-114   Surfer Attacked by Great White Shark
This surfer owes a lot to those who went before him

C-115   Alien Anal Probe
Hey. It happens. We know lots of people who could benefit from one,
who deserve one, and who probably WANT one. You know someone too.....

C-116   Crap on bin Laden
We just can't think of anything horrible enough or painful enough for the dumb ass

C-117    Fan Encounter of the Worst Kind (stick a weener in a fan)
We knew a guy this happened to. Sort of. We don't like to talk about it.

C-118   Terrorist Arrested
Person with suspected terrorist ties gets arrested, then grudgingly released.

C-120   Unexploded Bomb in YOUR Yard
Precision Bombing (aka "The Sky is Falling")

C-121   Write Your Own Obituary to See Who Cries
Gruesome and dreary, the Goth's delight, by popular request we offer
proof of your untimely demise. Well, sort of.

C-122   "Doing Atkins"---a Spoof on the Atkins Diet
"I lost 296 pounds in only 11 days and I feel great!"

C-123   "Ah Gonna be da Gov...!"
California. Too silly for comment (you too can be the governor of California)

C-124   Haunt Your Own House (Haunted House Story)
Haunt any house or structure you choose (scare your cousins)

C-126   Did Michael Jackson Molest Your Dad too?
Your victim meets The Gloved One by happenstance, and gets a Thriller

C-128   World's Largest Ball of Pubic Hair
Roast your boss in a stinky, disgusting way. Doesn't s/he just beg for it?

C-130   Did the Santa Barbara Police Beat YOU TOO?
Another Michael Jackson travesty....

C-131   "Jennifer Wilbanks, Runaway Bride"
More silly, spoiled girls.... And YOU get to pay for their irresponsible antics!

C-132   Laura Bush vs. Teresa Heinz Kerry
Death Match

C-133   California Judicial System to be Disbanded
Caly-FORN-ia. No further comment.